Sunday, April 11, 2010

A year ago. Today.

Its been a year since the sounds of birds chirping in the morning make me cringe. A year ago today a bird rested on a tree next to our opened bedroom window. A year ago today Jack wouldn't rouse from sleep to shut it. A year ago today I got up to close that window and the sounds outside ceased. A year ago today I discovered bright red blood.

Today I woke to birds chirping by my window but this time the window was closed. Today Jack doesn't sleep quite so soundly. Today I lay in bed watching the morning light filter in I felt my stomach harden and knew I didn't need to panic. Today my womb is filled with life.

I can recall every vivid moment of that 24 hour nightmare as if it happened yesterday. I remember I thought I would die from the grief. While a part of me feels like time flew, I see myself in the mirror- pregnant for the third time- and I see a testament to the length of a year.

There is a sense of sadness today for the dreams I had and the innocence I lost but there is equal parts gratitude. Yes there are scars, yes there are holes, but today I am also filled to the brim in my womb, my heart, and my soul.

7 comments:

  1. i am so happy for you, i can't wait for the day when you meat sunflower!

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  2. i meant meet of course, not meat!!

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  3. I'm so happy that you are filled with joy, you so deserve it!

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  4. Hello... happened upon your blog through another's blog roll, and your title struck me.

    Having just passed the two-month mark of my own loss, I find this beautiful and painful all at the same time. I wish you all the best as the time when you get to meet your little one draws nearer.

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  5. ((Hugs))

    It's strange but I totally don't remember the date I found out I did not have a viable pregnancy. I know it was 2 days after Easter and it was in the ultrasound room. I remember the smells and sounds of spring, that much I know.

    I remember the same still, eeary silence the u/s technician gave me.

    Horrible memories. This spring you will make new happy ones!

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  6. Amazing what a year can do! Yes there are scars, but they are covered up by precious memories now!!!

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  7. Lost, but not forgotten.
    I am so happy for you that this year everything is 180° different.
    Good time to make new memories indeed.

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