My MFM appointment went well. The tech sucked and we got no pictures but the important thing is Sunflower is doing great. He was sucking his fingers, karate chopping me and taking in huge gulps of fluid but I was surprised by his heart rate,167, since its usually in the 140s. The doctor was not concerned saying that baby heart rates fluctuate. But I felt a little guilty.
You see, I hate to admit it, but I'm getting a little nervous. I hope that my nerves are not the reason his heart rate is higher and I'm trying to control the anxiety as best I can. According to what I've read preggos at my stage often feel needy, vulnerable and lonely in the final weeks to labor- I'm feeling exactly this. I can't figure out why. Jack is supportive, we've bought almost everything we'll need, and though my friend circle isn't what it was I have caring friends always a phone call away. So I should not be feeling these feelings.
It started Friday. Some friends were discussing planning a LOST finale party since its in the final season when it hit me: LOST ends May 27. Sunflower will be here! Then today at the MFM they mentioned they don't want me going past my due date and if my cervix is ripe they want to induce me at 39 weeks. That's three weeks away. My stomach is full of a thousand butterflies just typing that.
I can't make sense of the nerves. I want my baby. I've been waiting for years to meet him. So how can the knowledge that this is finally going to happen freaking me out? I think I'm anxious about labor, breastfeeding, knowing how to care for him, I mean sure I've read a ton of books but that's all theory. I'm nervous about how much we're spending and how I don't have a job. Nervous that the house is still messy post-painter and I lack the energy to clean as I should. Nervous because his nursery looks like a tragic war zone. Just flat out nervous and its seriously making me breathe shallow and my tummy hurt. And then this makes me nervous because I shouldn't be feeling this way and I wonder what is wrong with me? and I proceed to have anxiety about my anxiety!
My mom reminded me that most of what I'm doing is for me not him. He doesn't care about bed ruffles or monkeys on the walls, the perfect onesie, or how messy our living room is. He just wants to be loved, fed and have a place to sleep. I'm trying to reign in the anxiety by taking walks, deep breathing and figuring out what else to do. It's such a weird mind-body disconnect because I am anxiously counting down to the due date but now I'm also anxiously nervous about the due date.
I hesitate even posting this. I feel I've said all this before in many different ways and I probably sound ungrateful. While I may be repetitive I'm not ungrateful. I love Sunflower more than I knew I could. I don't want to feel this way- I just do. Sigh.