Monday, April 5, 2010


My MFM appointment went well. The tech sucked and we got no pictures but the important thing is Sunflower is doing great. He was sucking his fingers, karate chopping me and taking in huge gulps of fluid but I was surprised by his heart rate,167, since its usually in the 140s. The doctor was not concerned saying that baby heart rates fluctuate. But I felt a little guilty.

You see, I hate to admit it, but I'm getting a little nervous. I hope that my nerves are not the reason his heart rate is higher and I'm trying to control the anxiety as best I can. According to what I've read preggos at my stage often feel needy, vulnerable and lonely in the final weeks to labor- I'm feeling exactly this. I can't figure out why. Jack is supportive, we've bought almost everything we'll need, and though my friend circle isn't what it was I have caring friends always a phone call away. So I should not be feeling these feelings.

It started Friday. Some friends were discussing planning a LOST finale party since its in the final season when it hit me: LOST ends May 27. Sunflower will be here! Then today at the MFM they mentioned they don't want me going past my due date and if my cervix is ripe they want to induce me at 39 weeks. That's three weeks away. My stomach is full of a thousand butterflies just typing that.

I can't make sense of the nerves. I want my baby. I've been waiting for years to meet him. So how can the knowledge that this is finally going to happen freaking me out? I think I'm anxious about labor, breastfeeding, knowing how to care for him, I mean sure I've read a ton of books but that's all theory. I'm nervous about how much we're spending and how I don't have a job. Nervous that the house is still messy post-painter and I lack the energy to clean as I should. Nervous because his nursery looks like a tragic war zone. Just flat out nervous and its seriously making me breathe shallow and my tummy hurt. And then this makes me nervous because I shouldn't be feeling this way and I wonder what is wrong with me? and I proceed to have anxiety about my anxiety!

My mom reminded me that most of what I'm doing is for me not him. He doesn't care about bed ruffles or monkeys on the walls, the perfect onesie, or how messy our living room is. He just wants to be loved, fed and have a place to sleep. I'm trying to reign in the anxiety by taking walks, deep breathing and figuring out what else to do. It's such a weird mind-body disconnect because I am anxiously counting down to the due date but now I'm also anxiously nervous about the due date.

I hesitate even posting this. I feel I've said all this before in many different ways and I probably sound ungrateful. While I may be repetitive I'm not ungrateful. I love Sunflower more than I knew I could. I don't want to feel this way- I just do. Sigh.


  1. I think it is totally okay to feel that way - be gentle with yourself - it is overwhelming - and you will get through it!

  2. I think it'd be a little strange if you weren't feeling apprehensive. As you say, you've been waiting to meet him for years, this little person who is going to be the most important thing in your life for many years to come. Plus, it's a lot of new stuff coming up. Anyone would be a bit nervous.

    And you know what? That's ok. You're going to do great with all this, I just know it. And Sunflower is going to be one of the luckiest, most-loved kids I've ever heard of. Hang in there. You're in the home stretch now. Do whatever you have to do to take it easy - mentally as well as physically. Thinking of you.

  3. I'm with your mom, I truly am. We put all this pressure on ourselves to get things perfectly ready, but the reality is, they don't require much. And with the first, I'm sure it's overwhelming, but I had a baby at 19 and managed not to kill her, so I have complete confidence that you'll do fabulous with little boy.

    All that said, I agree with sprogblogger. It would be more shocking if you weren't at least a little anxious, especially since it's your first time around, and you've had to go through so much to get here. It's natural to worry and be anxious. As hard as I know it is, try not to be so hard on yourself. Everything's going to be great!

  4. Gee, your whole life is about to be transformed... you are going to experience joy and worry beyond what you thought possible... a piece of your heart is about to be born into the world... I wonder why you are nervous! :)

    If it makes you feel any better, I struggled a lot in those final weeks of my pregnancy with Bean. I was in mourning, I really was. Every time I could, I cornered DH to talk about how much I would miss the freedom of our life together without kids. He couldn't understand, but I needed to grieve that. Even a new beginning -- one of the most beautiful and miraculous beginnings on the planet -- is an end of sorts. I'm not saying your anxiety is grief, but it's an emotional journey no matter how you look at it.

    Don't beat yourself up for feeling this way. Just let the nervousness come and go, it will be easier that way. If it makes you feel better to work on the nursery for your own sake, then go for it! You are going to be a wonderful mom, I promise.

  5. oh my god, it is soooo totally normal how you're feeling, anyone who says they aren't scared and nervous is a LIAR!!!! and 167 is a totally normal heartrate, i don't think your nerves are affecting sunflower.

  6. Aww ((Hugs)) I too felt that way with my first especially and am feeling a little apprehensive as the days get closer with this one.

    How come they are inducing you at 39 weeks? Is there a specific reason like GD? My OB hasn't said anything to me yet about it. I am wondering, but I don't see what reason he would have to want to induce me.

    Labor and parenting is extremely scary stuff so yeah I can see why you are feeling nervous. I have been feeling very nervous about Cesarean section. I told my husband yesterday that I have become this obsessive lunatic about where my baby is situated, and I just can't wait to find out the verdict.

    I have been praying to myself to find the courage I need to get through whatever comes my way.

    When you find yourself being nervous, try to take deep breaths and focus on the "excitement" of it and try anything to distract yourself. Rent lots of movies :) and Google is BAD, lol.

    My husband told me he was going to disconnect mine because all I do lately is google about baby being "head down" and about Cesarean section.

  7. Oh I wanted to tell you that V's hr was in the 160s too not long ago. So, that seems to be the normal pattern?? He was in the 140s for a long time.

  8. *sigh*...thanks for posting this. Because if you're normal, then I'm normal with you. Right along with you. And also glad to know it's normal for the last few weeks to feel lonely, needy, and vulnerable. Those words are me. Perfectly described. Also like what your mom said, although I already have that perfect onesie picked out....

  9. I'm pretty sure what you are feeling is COMPLETELY normal. Your mom is right about having to have everything ready for US, but that doesn't stop us from feeling that way!

  10. K, I can't belive that it is three weeks away until you meet Mr. Sunflower! That is truly amazing, and I'm sure that all of those feelings are valid. You have been on an emotional rollercoster, way before he was ever concieved. I hope that the next three weeks you can truly enjoy, because in reality a messy house, and a cluttered babies room doesn't really matter, all that really matters is that in three weeks you will be holding your beautiful son!

  11. I was apprehensive for a while before my du date about whether I was ready. The when I went so verey overdue and wanted my Mum gone and peace and quiet, all I wanted was for K to be born.
    You'll do great, no worries.
    And the HR? Totally normal, specially as you say he was active as all heck at the time.

  12. Thank you for this post and your honesty.I have 4 and a bit weeks to go and I feel overwhelmed.I am tired,puffy,scared,emotional and the house looks like a mess explosion happened,I actually fall into bed at night and ask my bump not to make tonight the night as I think I would be too tired to get thru labour and I don't feel ready.But what your mum said is right,a place to sleep,something to wear,milk either boob or bottle and lotsa love is all they need so your little one will be just fine.

  13. You sound like every mother and father we all worry. You are normal! Be well. Try and think happy thoughts.