Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Finding anger in silence

Yesterday was kind of a rough day for me. Its the day I believe I lost Speck one year ago. I miscarried him a week later but yesterday was when all my symptoms disappeared and I had called my doctor in a state of panic telling her I felt the baby died. She dismissed it telling me symptoms can vanish with time. Later I dealt with a lot of anger at this dismissal though today I realize that even if she had taken me seriously, nothing could have been done to prevent the outcome.

I'm not sure what came over Sunflower yesterday but he decided yesterday was a great day to go from squirmy pokey jumpy baby into a hibernating bear. He just stopped moving. He has his on days and off days so for most of the day I thought nothing of it until later in the evening when I realized I hadn't really felt him move all day. So, I tried the usual things that get him moving, I poked him, drank cold water, jiggled my belly- nothing. Nothing. Before going to bed I listened to him on the cheapo doppler I bought and haven't used in weeks. I could hear a heartbeat but it sounded faint and in the 130's. Still- I told myself it was him and all was well. But I couldn't sleep well. I kept waking up, poking, pressing, prodding- nothing.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and around 3am I went downstairs to the fridge and pulled out a sickeningly sweet pineapple drink that as a diabetic I know I shouldn't drink but I felt desperate to feel the kid move so I drank half a glass and then half a glass of ice water. I went upstairs and lay down, waiting for something- and again- nothing. I stared at the clock it was 3:15. I felt rage building in me as tears slid down my face. I felt angry. Angry that it had to be today of all days that he grew quiet. Angry that I had to worry about whether he was alive or not. Angry that there are pregnant women right now who don't think bad things can happen to them and don't live with this type of fear. I looked at the crib, the glider, thought of all his onesies and Jack who had urged me not to buy so much until we were sure. And when would I be sure? I wondered. After child birth? After the SIDS danger zone passed? Or was it too late? I felt the anger might choke me as I pressed my hand on my quiet belly.

Jack woke up. He was equally concerned. We lay there discussing what to do. The heartbeat was there but should we still call the doctor? Five minutes later a gentle poke. Then another. In total about ten gentle taps and then silence.

Today he's back to his usual schedule. He's practicing his hula-hooping or whatever it is he does in there and turning my grateful womb into his punching bag. I'm not sure if I fell into a tailspin because he fell silent on the anniversary of my loss but I know that I am now officially staring at a kettle, waiting for it to boil- and well, we all know how that goes.


  1. I'm sorry you had such a rough day yesterday...I can't imagine what you are going though. You're little sunflower will be with you soon, I know he will, and he will be perfect and wonderful!

  2. Sorry you had a rough day. I did the whole drink something sweet routine like once a week throughout the third trimester. We even ended up in labor and delivery once. Even though my head told me those quiet days are normal, my heart was afraid. Hang in there - you're getting closer and closer.

  3. That sounds like a really rough day. I just wanted to tell you that you should talk to your doctor about what to do when that happens. My doctor told me that if I'm worried about my baby's movements (ie that he hasn't moved much) I should drink or eat something and then lay on my left side and wait to feel something. If I feel four movements in an hour, that is fine (that is what they look for when they do a non-stress test). If I haven't felt four in an hour, drink more cold sugary drinks and lay down on my left side again. If I still haven't felt four kicks by the end of the second hour, call in. I don't know if you doctor told you anything similar, but it was nice for me to know the exact protocol when I'm worried. You should check with your doctor and see what they recommend.

    I think you responded in a totally understandable way, and believe it or not, I think most women would, not just those of us who have suffered loses. I know many women at my prenatal yoga class who have not suffered loses who have been very freaked out over quite days. You'd be surprised how much anxiety even those people who seem blissfully ignorant feel.

    I'm so glad sunflower is up to his old tricks again. I hope you don't have anymore days like that.

    Kait @

  4. scary, i'm glad he's ok. i hope you're ok too :)

  5. it always amazes me what our bodies remember...the cells, muscle fibers...our flesh and's no wonder you would have so many feelings bubbling over yesterday--the day your world took a majorly unexpected and devastating turn...and yet days like that are so difficult to navigate, to hold ourselves in our grief, anger, feel without punishing.
    i'm thinking of you today as you find your way through all the many feelings that are alive in you as your due date approaches...hoping you are able to feel all of your feelings without judgement, as my dear mentor always encourages me to do. with care, l

  6. Sorry that happened. V has his quiet days too and I sometimes I get a little concerned but as long as he moves once I am okay.

    I lost my second around this time last year. I was pregnant along with my cousin and sister and niece in law. I had to do Easter dinner and hear all about my cousin's pregnancy but I was silenced about my own for fear of losing it again. Two days after Easter I went for my 8 week ultrasound and yet again a blighted ovum. I went in for a D&C the next day.

    The smell of the house warming up and signs of spring are all reminders for me.

    We are in such a better place this year. We are the luckiest people alive ;)

  7. I am sorry you had such a hard time yesterday.
    Sunflower picked a bad time to relax.
    You will hold him in your arms soon.
    And everything will be wonderful.

  8. Kara also had some very quiet mornings/nights when I'd lie there poking her and trying to make her move. I even went to L&D once at work to give myself a quick doppler check to put my mind at rest.
    You probably should go to L&D for an NST for peace of mind if this happens again.

  9. Ok, maybe he was remembering Speck right along with you and doing so in a place of silence and stillness out of respect - sounds far fetching and yet not so much all at the same time.

    Granted he should have been more thoughtful and rather than offer a vigil of silence and stillness been dancing around like Ricky Martin on speed but hey he's not even a day old yet :-P give the kid some slack lol

    Big hugs, I'm glad he's back to his usual wiggly self this morning.

  10. What a frightening, maddening, emotional evening. =( I'm so sorry, K.

    I can't even imagine what it was like to live this first hand.

    Thank goodness Sunflower is back to his jovial, active self.

    It's my wish that these last few weeks fly by in reality, but still leave you with many intimate moments between you and Sunflower.

  11. oh K, I'm so sorry that on all days, yesterday he decided to chill out.... I don't blame you for being upset.

  12. What a crappy day all around. You will feel so much better once he is out and you can see with your own eyes that he is ok, he's breathing, he's sleeping, he's cooing, he's healthy and he's yours. You really are almost there and look how far you've come!!

    It does suck that you have all these worries when so many others never give them a second thought, but the upside is, you're in tune with your body and your baby, and you won't miss something they might.

    May the next few weeks pass quickly!

  13. The worry never ends in my opinion it just shifts. I worried when I was pregnant and I had spotting, when she didn't move. After she was born I worried about how to keep her alive, every time she got sick, many many bumps. Now I worry about a ton of other things. But with time the worrying gets less intense (generally). That is actually the thing I find about parenting the hardest. The constant concern for someones health and welfare.

    Glad to hear your baby is doing well. Good luck. I am sure you will be an awesome mom.

  14. I'd agree with Kait - find out what the protocol is for calling the office, and don't be afraid to ask for a non-stress test if he is making you nervous! At my hospital, I also had the number for labor and delivery, and knew I could call them anytime if I got nervous.

    I was also pregnant after a miscarriage at 12 weeks, and it is tough not to be scared. You are doing great, and I wish you all the best.

  15. What a horrible night for you and Jake! All those fears coming to the surface would have made me drink the juice too!