Sunday, April 11, 2010

A year ago. Today.

Its been a year since the sounds of birds chirping in the morning make me cringe. A year ago today a bird rested on a tree next to our opened bedroom window. A year ago today Jack wouldn't rouse from sleep to shut it. A year ago today I got up to close that window and the sounds outside ceased. A year ago today I discovered bright red blood.

Today I woke to birds chirping by my window but this time the window was closed. Today Jack doesn't sleep quite so soundly. Today I lay in bed watching the morning light filter in I felt my stomach harden and knew I didn't need to panic. Today my womb is filled with life.

I can recall every vivid moment of that 24 hour nightmare as if it happened yesterday. I remember I thought I would die from the grief. While a part of me feels like time flew, I see myself in the mirror- pregnant for the third time- and I see a testament to the length of a year.

There is a sense of sadness today for the dreams I had and the innocence I lost but there is equal parts gratitude. Yes there are scars, yes there are holes, but today I am also filled to the brim in my womb, my heart, and my soul.


  1. i am so happy for you, i can't wait for the day when you meat sunflower!

  2. i meant meet of course, not meat!!

  3. I'm so happy that you are filled with joy, you so deserve it!

  4. Hello... happened upon your blog through another's blog roll, and your title struck me.

    Having just passed the two-month mark of my own loss, I find this beautiful and painful all at the same time. I wish you all the best as the time when you get to meet your little one draws nearer.

  5. ((Hugs))

    It's strange but I totally don't remember the date I found out I did not have a viable pregnancy. I know it was 2 days after Easter and it was in the ultrasound room. I remember the smells and sounds of spring, that much I know.

    I remember the same still, eeary silence the u/s technician gave me.

    Horrible memories. This spring you will make new happy ones!

  6. Amazing what a year can do! Yes there are scars, but they are covered up by precious memories now!!!

  7. Lost, but not forgotten.
    I am so happy for you that this year everything is 180° different.
    Good time to make new memories indeed.