Its been a year since the sounds of birds chirping in the morning make me cringe. A year ago today a bird rested on a tree next to our opened bedroom window. A year ago today Jack wouldn't rouse from sleep to shut it. A year ago today I got up to close that window and the sounds outside ceased. A year ago today I discovered bright red blood.
Today I woke to birds chirping by my window but this time the window was closed. Today Jack doesn't sleep quite so soundly. Today I lay in bed watching the morning light filter in I felt my stomach harden and knew I didn't need to panic. Today my womb is filled with life.
I can recall every vivid moment of that 24 hour nightmare as if it happened yesterday. I remember I thought I would die from the grief. While a part of me feels like time flew, I see myself in the mirror- pregnant for the third time- and I see a testament to the length of a year.
There is a sense of sadness today for the dreams I had and the innocence I lost but there is equal parts gratitude. Yes there are scars, yes there are holes, but today I am also filled to the brim in my womb, my heart, and my soul.