Finding anger in silence

Yesterday was kind of a rough day for me. Its the day I believe I lost Speck one year ago. I miscarried him a week later but yesterday was when all my symptoms disappeared and I had called my doctor in a state of panic telling her I felt the baby died. She dismissed it telling me symptoms can vanish with time. Later I dealt with a lot of anger at this dismissal though today I realize that even if she had taken me seriously, nothing could have been done to prevent the outcome.

I'm not sure what came over Sunflower yesterday but he decided yesterday was a great day to go from squirmy pokey jumpy baby into a hibernating bear. He just stopped moving. He has his on days and off days so for most of the day I thought nothing of it until later in the evening when I realized I hadn't really felt him move all day. So, I tried the usual things that get him moving, I poked him, drank cold water, jiggled my belly- nothing. Nothing. Before going to bed I listened to him on the cheapo doppler I bought and haven't used in weeks. I could hear a heartbeat but it sounded faint and in the 130's. Still- I told myself it was him and all was well. But I couldn't sleep well. I kept waking up, poking, pressing, prodding- nothing.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and around 3am I went downstairs to the fridge and pulled out a sickeningly sweet pineapple drink that as a diabetic I know I shouldn't drink but I felt desperate to feel the kid move so I drank half a glass and then half a glass of ice water. I went upstairs and lay down, waiting for something- and again- nothing. I stared at the clock it was 3:15. I felt rage building in me as tears slid down my face. I felt angry. Angry that it had to be today of all days that he grew quiet. Angry that I had to worry about whether he was alive or not. Angry that there are pregnant women right now who don't think bad things can happen to them and don't live with this type of fear. I looked at the crib, the glider, thought of all his onesies and Jack who had urged me not to buy so much until we were sure. And when would I be sure? I wondered. After child birth? After the SIDS danger zone passed? Or was it too late? I felt the anger might choke me as I pressed my hand on my quiet belly.

Jack woke up. He was equally concerned. We lay there discussing what to do. The heartbeat was there but should we still call the doctor? Five minutes later a gentle poke. Then another. In total about ten gentle taps and then silence.

Today he's back to his usual schedule. He's practicing his hula-hooping or whatever it is he does in there and turning my grateful womb into his punching bag. I'm not sure if I fell into a tailspin because he fell silent on the anniversary of my loss but I know that I am now officially staring at a kettle, waiting for it to boil- and well, we all know how that goes.

35 Weeks and shopping

35 Weeks and 35 days to go! Five weeks to due date. Two weeks to full term.

Nothing much to report. I'm well. Sunflower is well. All is ho-hum (i.e. perfect). So what does a non-freaked out K do? Apparently, she shops. Physical and on-line shopping. And on-line shopping- tis a devious thing since it doesn't feel like you parted with copious sums of money when you're simply hitting buttons. [and its so fun to get packages!] Plus, Amazon wisely saves my credit card info so I don't even have to pull out my card before buying.

I've kept a tab on my spending and so far I'm at $1,000 [BOY am I missing that baby shower] What are the necessities? According to me: crib, mattress [Colgate Classica I foam mattress], sheets, bouncer [thanks Mae!], rocking chair, receiving blankets, clothes, mittens, hats, baby tub, changing pad, boppy, stroller frame, car seat, pacifiers, lotion, soap, baby bjorn, Moby wrap, wash cloths, hooded towel, and Curious George board books [not a necessity per se but for a bookworm like me, very important] My cousin is buying me a diaper bag. [Because of PCOS I'm holding off on bottles and pump until I see what's up with breastfeeding] Am I missing a necessity?

I'm blown away by how much itty bitty babies cost. I know, duh, but for so long since I was so focused on just keeping baby alive that now all this stuff surprises me. My parents generously covered half our expenses and I'm grateful for that. Plus according to Baby Bargains, we're well below the average spending parents do. Not that I mind spending $ on bebe but considering I want to be a SAHM for a while, we need to be careful how we spend.

A question about clothes. How many does a baby need? In 0-3 he has three cute 'for the guests' outfits. 9 onesies. 8 footed PJs and gowns, 2 mittens and 2 hats. Is this enough? Does he need socks? He's not walking. . . ? I have 8 receiving blankets- is that enough? And- how do you organize them?

It's blowing my mind that I will be full term in just 14 days. Mind blowing- awesome- fantastic. I'm so giddy with anticipation and yet- all you can really do is wait. And shop.

Parenting Expectations

The crib and glider are set. His clothes are ready to be washed and folded. Minus pacifiers and a few small items, we're ready [Well, sort of, but that's a post unto itself!] I just hope we'll be emotionally ready. For eight years its been Jack and me. Sleeping in, eating out, traveling, renting loads of DVDs. Now we will bring in an unknown variable, a cute pouty lipped variable but a variable to what we've known.

Sometimes I worry about Jack's expectations. When you've dealt with IF and loss, and waited a while to have a baby, you have a lot of time to dream and fantasize. A few times now Jack has said our baby will be really chill, I can tell because he doesn't kick you very hard. He envisions him cooing in the crib, or snuggled between us in bed on a lazy Sunday morning. he knows his boy will share his toys, eat his greens and thank us for parenting him. (Well he didn't put it quite this way but its the impression I got). While I hope this will happen- I have tentatively told him its also going to be hard and challenging, sleepless nights, hormones I'm crashing from, not understanding his needs. He waves this away. Yeah but it will be okay, we won't mind because we'll love him so much, and besides, I think he's going to be an easy baby.

But just like acid reflux is annoying despite a much wanted pregnancy, I'm assuming you can love your child and still miss sleep. I'm lucky. I've had a few friends who refused to sugar coat it for me, and I'm blessed to have y'all, many of whom are parenting after IF and say it straight so I know it won't be kisses and giggles at all times. I just wonder about Jack and how he'll handle it if little dude isn't as easy as he predicts. I'm sure we'll roll with the punches but I hope he doesn't get punched too hard.

On another note, I hope he is prepared for the emotions I may experience. Having wanted this pregnancy for years, one would expect that I'll be just smiling and starry eyed at all times. I desperately hope this will be the case but I'm aware of the hormone-crash. That my mother had Post-Partum depression. That sometimes I struggle with regular old depression. And that if PMS is any indication, I might have emotional lows upon giving birth. We've been talking about it and he says he understands. I hope he knows that if God forbid I do have emotional instability, that its not because I don't love the miracle I've been given, but hormones that in some ways are out of my control.

Last April I lost Speck. Since then we've been through so much and our marriage only got stronger. I hope that if parenthood tests us unexpectedly that we will also find our way through this too.

33 weeks

33 weeks. 49 days to my due date. Six more weekends. One month to full term. This is the first week that flew by. The first week I didn't stare at a preggo ticker pining for Friday so I could turn the chapter to a new week.

Could be because I'm busy draining our bank accounts on baby purchases.

Jack said no son of his will be going home in a sunflower onesie. Which is just as well since the seller said she doesn't make them in newborn sizes. I get Jack's take on this but am surprised since he's fine with little dude wearing this on Halloween:Instead, I've ordered this from Etsy, the most addictive site ever:The seller has a good deal since she'll make you three personalized onesies for the listed price and she's very responsive to personalizing it as you want and will actually show you the final version before mailing it out to you. I'm going to see if I can get the green block in light blue and then with cute little pants and a hat- it will be a perfect going home outfit!

I'm normally not a big shopper but lately Amazon and I are BFF. I never lived in a grimy hovel, but I never felt particularly distressed by dust on a picture frame. Lately, I feel the urge to scrub every inch of the house. I think this buying/cleaning thing is what they call nesting. If its temporary- that's cool... but I worry that somehow a personality switch happened- I miss my old Non-OCD self who could put her feet up and just rest while a dish rested in the sink and not think about the dish!

33 weeks. It's a beautiful place to be. Most of this pregnancy has been very emotionally difficult. The whole waiting for the other shoe to drop issue. While I know that bad things can still happen, God forbid, the daily hiccups that rock my body and the butt that is wedged to the right of my uterus and wiggles when I drink cold water help more than I could have imagined. I wish someone could have knocked me out from week 4 of the pregnancy until now. Because now? Now is beautiful.

The onesie dilemma

Please tell me, without sparing my feelings, whether my son will have years of therapy in his future if I pick this as his "going home" outfit:

[Like? In my defense the ad says its for girls or boys]

Spotting, Inducing, Slings

I've gotten very comfortable in this pregnancy. According to my OB too comfortable. You see, I've been brown spotting all weekend. I didn't mention it because I'm not feeling contractions so surely things are okay? I called today to tell the OB just because it was three days on and they called me in immediately. It worked out since I was due for my 32 week check up anyways. The cervix seems closed and she ordered a fFN test and the MFM will measure my cervix Wednesday to make sure all is well. I got a stern lecture to call when things are wonky since brown spotting is not normal, but in good news on the GD front she's happy with my numbers so I no longer have to test for ketones in the morning and only have to check my blood sugar twice a day. My fingers are pleased.

I told her I really wanted her to deliver my baby. She said thats possible if we induce and she'd be open to inducing me in the 39th or 40th week. I feel since I have GD I'd be induced anyways so why not plan it? Is there some harm in doing this that I'm missing? At the end of the day I just want my baby and want to feel confident in the doctor delivering the baby.

I'm having issues walking lately. I feel like the Tin Man in Oz and my upper right leg by the pelvic area is in need of a good oiling. It seriously feels like it creaks as I walk. Dr. D told me its my belly weight. I dont know. I barely move lately. A painter has been in our house for over a week changing our popcorn ceilings to smooth and painting a few rooms and has essentially turned our house into what looks like twister came through so we're living out of a guest room and are moving as much as slugs do on any given day. Can't wait until he's done. This nesting phenomenen is weird. We've lived in this house for over five years and none of the imperfections bothered me until now. I mean, is Sunflower going to raise his eyes with disgust at popcorn ceilings or scratches on the walls? Very odd.

In purchasing news, I decided to return my Balboa Sling since it looks like the type that the advisory was targeting (and the baby in the picture looks so disturbed!) and I'm considering getting a Moby wrap, but its looking mighty complicated with lots of crossing over and tying. I was the last kindergartner to master the art of shoe tying and that hasn't really improved with time. I really wanted a wrap I could quickly put on to take baby out and about and the Moby looks a bit unweildy. Do any of you use a wrap/sling that you can just kind of toss on when heading out?

Buying and Babies

We did it. We bought the crib. We're waiting for my parents to visit in two weeks so we can fit it in their minivan but the deed is done. We were suspicious as to why a crib that purportedly retailed for $600+ was going for $200 but the salesman said a) Berg is getting out of the crib business and dumping remaining inventory and b) This crib was part of a raffle for Georgia Baby's store re-opening and no one won. Neither point seemed enough to walk away from a well made $200 crib with excellent ratings so now, its ours. Wow. Our infant car seat arrived today as well. So if he came tomorrow we have a means to take him home and a place to put him to sleep (And we want to buy a foam mattress but they cost almost as much as as our crib!?!)

Some of you pointed out that though I won't have a baby shower, friends may want to give gifts when they come visit the baby, so I made a gift registry. Wow you can go silly clicking things you think you need. I made sure to pick things that wouldn't be urgent before the baby comes stuff, but instead other things that I plan to get but if baby came tomorrow he wouldn't stare at me in horror at my incompetent parenting skills if I didn't have them on hand.

But speaking of stuff, what does a baby need? I now have a place for him to sleep, and a means to be transported. Those aer needs but there's a lot out there they don't need despite how they're marketed. If a baby arrived tomorrow, what would he absolutely not be able to do without?

And- Random- but- when do people get a hospital bag ready?

AND Ms. Bluebird and Lisa had their babies! So so happy for them! I hope the births of their babies will inspire Kate's little one to make her grand entrance before Pitocin must play a part!