Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Ultrasound and advice on neurotic hormones?

I had another ultrasound today. Little sprout measured at 8w1d right on target bouncing around like a jellybean in a can with a HB of 144! I feel relieved and for the first time I'm feeling optimistic. Last time with W we didn't tell people I was pregnant until I was 24 weeks along but this time around we're thinking we might start sharing the news with close friends and family once we pass the first trimester. It feels good to think this way. To allow myself to be like other pregnant folks. Maybe I'll actually get a chance to enjoy being pregnant? [Well, once the nausea fades that is]

One thing plaguing me from time to time is the hormones and the havoc they are wreaking on my emotions. Since the last go around I'd been in the throes of IF and loss I thought my state of mind during my pregnancy was just who I was, an anxious stressed neurotic person. But now, two years into motherhood I know this isn't true. I'm happy and content with my life. Yes, I have bad days and sometimes I get grouchy or sad or moody, but over all I'm thankful for the state of things and I'm not walking around considering worst-case scenarios and freaking out about the smallest of things.

But now? Now, I am. Today we found out there are some insurance issues, serious but not life or death. And the lawn guy didn't come and my bushes look wonky. And the trash hasn't left the driveway. And my house post house-guests is a mess and I'm too tired to clean it.  Maybe these are the triggers maybe they aren't but I am sitting here wondering what is the point of this life and what is the point of me and what a waste of space I am and all sorts of negative thoughts. Yesterday I watched the season finale for Modern Family a show I'm mostly lukewarm about, but when Mitch and Cam didn't get the baby and Mitch said I'm so tired of wanting a child and getting so close and never getting it and I literally sat on the couch and cried for ten minutes and then spent the rest of the day discussing how sad this was with my husband. Some days when I have NO excuse not even a sitcom ,I'll just feel these tears in the back of my throat just waiting for a reason to unfurl. I know this is crazy, I know this is not based on logic but I feel so devestated and depressed so sincerely and truly that I'm tempted to believe it all.

I'm going to start journaling again and writing out things I'm thankful for but I was wondering if any one reading has ever battled depression, or crazy hormones during pregnancy and what they did to deal with it? I'm wondering if I can manage this on my own or if I need to see a therapist. My kid deserves a non-neurotic mother and I hate that I'm aware of how great everything is, and yet the hormones one day will give me peace and the next day make me feel awful. Any advice appreciated.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The nausea and the fruit

Well, it's happened, I'm nauseous. Be careful what you wish for? Worse than I ever was with my son. With him I'd get a bit queasy from time to time, but this go around I'm running to the bathroom and lying around eating saltines for the past few days unable to move much while my son helps 'unpack' the house [by which I mean scatters toys, and Q-tips, and the like into every crevice available].

Today began that way but then I remembered Mina's words of wisdom to have a variety of fruit in the house and to eat that throughout the day as it helps nausea. And well, Mina, you are officially annoited to sainthood in my book because I have done just this, eating bits of watermelon, grapes and apricot and lo and behold things are so much better. Probably not the cure all for everyone, but it has done the trick here.

I have another ultrasound next week and as much as I hate this nausea and how its preventing me from cleaning up or unpacking before we have a house full of guests come Thursday, I am thankful for the reassurance [whether its accurate or not I don't know] it gives me in the here and now.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Ultrasound

I've been without internet since Sunday so I apologize for writing a post about my Tuesday ultrasound and then never updating again. I was ready to head to a starbucks to update my blog until we managed to get a cable tech here to connect us again. Phew!

The ultrasound went well. I was at 6w1d and a heartbeat of 115 with a due date of January 3, 2013.

I cried like a baby because I was convinced I was getting bad news, but while I'm relieved that things are good right now I'm still skeptical. For one, I thought I'd be further along. Second, I have no symptoms at all really. I have been getting weird emotions lately, like one minute I feel so upset and unhappy and empty I feel there is no point to life [all the while knowing in my rational mind this is crazy] and then the next minute feeling normal. It's like there are storms brewing inside of me and just like real weather and climate I can't control it, much. I guess this is a symptom but really, nothing else.

Still, all is good right now. I'm trying not to be skeptical. I believe somewhere deep down I'm doing this because I'm trying to protect myself from potential hurt that may come by being prepared but you can't ever prepare so I may as well enjoy the moment. Like Mo said on her blog about her own pregnancy, sometimes things just take time that is the only thing that will help one feel better. The doctor is seeing me the week after next for a quick peek to still my nerves and here's hoping the news remains good!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Waiting for Tuesday

My symptoms are still light and/or nonexistent save the fact that I can get angry in a flash. Like, I know there's no need to be angry about the fact that I can't find the remote control but my hormones rise up like a geyser. The good thing is despite said anger I don't show it, I just take a deep breath and wait for the geyser to fall back to normal levels since the feelings are not rational. Otherwise all is quiet except pulling sensations in my groin/uterus area like when you pull your calf muscles. This morning there was brown-red spotting but it wasn't fresh blood so I'm surprisingly calm about that development. Thankfully its stopped.

There was a song by Lisa Loeb I used to love. Waiting For Wednesday. It was a break up song that had no bearing on my life but I just loved singing the chorus waiting for Wednesday with all the angst I could possibly muster. Well now I'm waiting for Tuesday. That's when my ultrasound is scheduled and I'm hoping it will show me good things.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

It feels over

I wish I could give a logical reason but today I simply don't feel pregnant anymore. I've not had to wake to pee this time around and today I have no fatigue, no nausea, no emotional hormone feelings-- nothing. Don't you have to wake up and pee when you're pregnant?! I always have. I feel like myself completely and truly. So, it must be over. I'm not crying. I'm not panicking. I am just feeling this way and am certainly sad, slightly frustrated, and wishing that I didn't have to feel this way. I haven't started bleeding so I'll keep hope alive as much as I can but . . . I just don't know at this point.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Lovenox and other thoughts

  1. Lovenox hurts. The needle is thin and sharp. And it burns. I don't remember the burn quite so crisp. Is this normal? Might be, perhaps two years has dulled the memory of the pain. 
  2. Aside from being tired, I'm not full of symptoms. I got a touch nauseous this morning because I was shopping on an empty stomach, but aside from this, nothing. Not even the "get up and pee in the middle of the night" as I have with my three previous pregnancies.
  3. This worries me.
  4. I'm not incapacitated nor am I having anxiety-attacks about this but I do wonder if the pregnancy is over. I'm checking for blood daily [not hourly as in the past] and then I feel bad that my negative thoughts will end this pregnancy.
  5. Except I know this is not true. If bad thoughts and dark fears ended pregnancies, I wouldn't have my son. So though being worried is not great, I know the only harm is towards me, not towards the dividing being within.
  6. Really, more than feeling anxious or upset, I'm a bit concerned. . . and stunned that I'm pregnant. I can't believe my good fortune.
  7. But my belief is not requisite. This simply is what it is.
  8. My friend told me there is only one truth but its our choice to pick among the million different ways to feel about that truth. The truth may not be our doing, but our emotions and how we tackle it largely are. 
  9. So despite the worries that gnaw, I'm choosing to remain hopeful. I'm choosing to focus on the precious miracle that I am lucky to have at this particular moment in time.
  10. Because life is traveling forward regardless of how I choose to feel about it, so I may as well choose to feel good.

Friday, May 4, 2012

The OB Visit and Lovenox. . . to do or not to do?

[Note: please don't read on if you're still TTC- lots of baby stuff ahead]

I have to admit as we drove to the doctor's office I had a split second fear that I'd dreamed this all up and was in fact, hallucinating. That they would pull me into the examination room and raise their eyebrows with a straight jacket in the distance asking so why did you think you were pregnant? Did you bring your 'pregnancy test'? But as it turns out their test matched mine and I am five weeks pregnant.

We discussed the usual suspects like avoiding sushi, cigarettes, and deli meat. She also told me my allergies were pregnancy symptoms since I never get allergies [and this is what happens when you're not googling at all times for symptoms!] and that my bloating was perhaps slightly early showing and that by week 12 I might be blatantly pregnant to the world. Well, then!

And then we delved into the deeper question: Lovenox. She told me it was entirely up to me as one doctor had told me I didn't need it, one told me I needed it until twelve weeks, and one had said I could do it throughout if it meant we were better safe than sorry. She didn't feel I needed it but she didn't want me to deal with anxiety being off of it and so its entirely my call at this point.

I don't know. On one hand I'm not sure that lovenox had any bearing on the success of this pregnancy. On the other hand I'm not sure it didn't. At the moment we agreed I'll take it for the first trimester just because that's when my losses occurred and so we'll be safer that way from an emotional standpoint and perhaps also a physical health standpoint. But beyond twelve weeks, I just don't know. Anyone reading have any insight? Would love some perspective.

She noted my weight loss, and then, she noted how less panicky and frantic I was now, she noted my happiness. You are so happy, you exude a sense of fulfillment I didn't see in you before. I want to believe joy comes from within and a sense of happiness can't be from external forces, but for too many years I did forget what it was like to be happy. For so many years I didn't know much beyond panic, worry and tears. So much so that I truly believed this is just who I was. But now, I know I'm more than my paranoias and my doubts and worst-case-scenarios. I'm happy. So thankful to my son for giving me this gift. Because as much as joy is found from within, its my son who gave me this inner peace after years without.

Fully aware that things can go off-kilter as we're still quite early in the game.  But I'm hopeful. And I'm happy. So different from so long ago.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Pregnancy, toddlers, and eating plans

First off, thank you to all of you who left such sweet comments on my previous post. I post here so infrequently so amazed that you're still here, and ever so grateful since outside of y'all only my husband, my best friend, and my mother knows. I'm pregnant. But I know nothing is certain, particularly at this early stage in the game. If you also read my other blog, I won't be writing about anything pregnancy related until I feel truly confident things will be okay, which might be around the 36th week. [old habits die hard? Oh, and my sister-in-law reads it religiously and I'm superstitious about pregnancy.  . . ]

My doctor's appointment is Friday. The positive line was super-dark. Does that mean anything? Does it imply a stronger pregnancy than a faint one? [wow, it didn't take long for my inner crazy to come out did it?] Symptom-wise nothing much happening except I feel like someone has snuck tranquilizers into everything I've eaten today. I am so tired I want to just lie down and nap constantly. And my son is an energizer bunny so this combination is not working great especially when I can't get my sustenance from caffeine in the quantities I once did.

It's a good problem to have.

Since last posting about my efforts to lose weight I've gone from weighing 167 pounds to 145 pounds which puts me safely in a healthy BMI for my height. I had ten more pounds to go to reach my goal weight, but that is perfectly okay!!! This is a good place to start a new pregnancy and unlike the last time when I ate as if the planet would be devoid of food any minute now, I'm going to try to do better.

The issue is relearning new eating habits. I've been sustaining on 800 calories daily since January 2. Once in a while I'll splurge up to 1200 calories but those moments are very rare. I'm used to eating fruit and tea for breakfast. Egg and toast for lunch. A small snack. And a sensible dinner prepared healthy. Now I'm confused how many calories I should consume afraid to take too little and hurt anything going on, and afraid to eat too many because diabetes [and gestational diabetes] is a real and present danger and I don't want to deal with it if I dont' have to. It's odd to have to relearn how to eat more when I was for so long trying to learn how to eat less.

Right now the plan is to eat egg and toast for breakfast, a salad with cheese and olives and an olive oil dressing for lunch, all the fruit and vegetable snacks I desire and a handful of nuts, and a sensible dinner. I can't be certain how many calories this is, but I'm hoping with the focus on good nutrients this will be okay? I also began power walking thirty minutes today and plan to bump it up to an hour a day because going through labor unfit the first time around I realized the value of having endurance.

This is all so surreal. So different than last time. I am hoping for good things. I'm prepared for the worst [as prepared as anyone can be, which is, not much]. And despite my heavy lidded eyes, I'm happy. Ever so happy. Ever so hopeful.