Friday, April 30, 2010

Induction, Conflicted**

I'm so frustrated I want to punch a door or something. I went to the OB today and I'm not 2 cm dilated as one of the step-OBs thought. Just like Dr.MFM my OB thinks I'm 1cm dilated and the cervix is still long and hard. She then said how about get you in Monday to soften the cervix and induce Tuesday? Say what? I asked her, I thought I needed to have a ripe cervix to have success at an induction. She said she'd ideally like to see me at 2-3 cm dilated before scheduling an induction but because of my 'special circumstances' she doesn't want to have me go past my due date. What are the special circumstances:

1) Blood Thinners: This is not an issue once I'm off of it heparin is out of my system in 12 hours. Once out of my system the risks are gone, unless I've misunderstood something?
2) Gestational Diabetes: yes, I likely have a big baby. How much bigger will he get if I don't get induced Monday versus Friday or Saturday? Not much, while my odds of going into labor on my own do increase as the days pass.

Jack is bewildered. He said I thought you wanted the baby out? Now you want to wait. While I am uncomfortable and nervous I don't want to act on my own discomfort. I want what's best for the baby and I don't want to force an induction on myself that could lead to a C-Section simply because I'm in a hurry. That's stupid. I waited 2.5 years to have a baby, to speed up and consequently fuck up the last few days is just stupid.

I felt flummoxed at the appointment and agreed to induction but I feel so uncomfortable now. I don't know what to do. I was open to an induction Monday if I was dilated and ripe but I'm not. On the other hand, I'm going in just a few days prior to my due date and I will have my own OB doing the delivery and its not a guarantee that I'll have a C-section. She pointed out that there's no guarantee that I will go natural or that things will progress by waiting a few more days.

My gut, my heart is saying no don't do this, just wait. But how much do I wait with GD? I can't go over weeks. She will likely not allow me to even go past my due date. Jack is urging me to go ahead on Monday. I need to make a decision today. I might just let the OB know I'm conflicted and will make a final decision later. I'm just so confused.

***I just called again since I haven't heard back and the answering service picked up and said the office is done for the day. Not sure if that means they're not going to call me back. Well, they got the message and if they don't want to call me back that doesn't mean I have to go in on Monday for the induction. It's on them to return my call. I don't HAVE to go into an induction simply because they're not calling me back. Sigh

39 Weeks- 7 more days

7 more day though quite frankly I'm convinced he's going to stay in here until he's 32. My amniotic fluids were back to normal. Discharge increased but its not amniotic. My cervix remains barely 2cm dilated. I'm 50% effaced. He's sunny side up so I'm at risk for back labor. In a nutshell: My body is practicing like hell but labor doesn't seem close. At all.

I'm emotional lately most likely because I'm sleep deprived getting two hours of sleep these days due to cramps and contractions. I want to laugh at the lack of progress and joke that little guy is just messing with me. I guess I'm too tired to laugh and it doesn't help that none of these pains did anything to further dilate me. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated. I'm full term what more do I want? I'll tell you: him. Until he's here, nothing is certain. He moves less these days. He passes his kick count test daily though it takes longer each evening to get the 10 kicks. This is normal, I know. But. There are enough scary stories on the web and in my own extended family for me to feel its a done deal simply being "term".

I'm in love. Hook line and sinker. This is the most intense love I've ever felt and the thought of losing him makes me want to die. That's why I'm impatient. That's why despite full days, the days crawl. I can deal with the waddling, the headaches, the fatigue, and this troubling toothache that is creeping up. But I need someone to promise me nothing will go wrong. While the odds are in my favor, they are only odds until he's here. I know its just a matter of time- today the nurse taking my vitals said I understand how it feels like forever, these last few days, I felt that way too when I was in your shoes and now my children are 30 and 33. Yep- time flies. It only feels like we live in the moment forever. I know this time next week I will most likely have him in my arms. Until then, I wait.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

8 more days

Despite the eagerness, the apprehension, the fear, there is this a sacred feeling in the air these days. The full moon casting a glow over the house tonight adds to that feeling. I am waiting to meet a pure being. Someone who has yet to hurt anyone or be hurt. Someone who has yet to think an impure thought, or feel arrogant, entitled, in any way. Someone unconcerned with whether they are more beautiful, or smart than the next person. The very definition of purity. And this child will be entrusted in my care. They will release him to me after making sure (God Willing) he is healthy and send us on our merry way. After all the needles, ultrasounds, speculum exams, and fundal measurements they will simply hand him over to me and leave it to me to guide him through this world. When I really think about it, it brings tears to my eyes.

In the meantime I wait. I feel twinges and pulls. Kicks and wiggly butts. It is an uneasy feeling to know that soon I will experience one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don't know when. I don't know how how. It might be manageable, it might make me kneel over and want to die. One simply can't be sure. I'm allowing myself the right to be a bit frightened. I'm allowing myself the right to be a bit on edge these next few days.

At 3:15pm we see if my amniotic fluid levels are good. They were borderline normal Monday, if they fall below the approved levels I meet Sunflower tomorrow. Otherwise possibly Monday. Maybe sometime in between.

In the meantime I'm washing the nursery walls. I'm walking. I'm reading books. Replying to texts, e-mails, and phone calls from friends and family waiting with me, wondering with me when this little guy arrives. He has no idea how many people are waiting. He has no idea how much love is waiting for him just as soon as he is placed in my arms.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Lady in Waiting

I woke up at 3am last night with painful gas pains and my uterus hard as a rock every few minutes. Wasn't able to fall back asleep. It wasn't a labor contraction because after the practice runs, I have a hint of what actual labor contractions might be like and braxton hicks contractions are just cute little bunnies really. This morning I called the OB and they told me a med to take to ease the pains. I was going to head to babysrus and return some gifts, and do some shopping at the mall but I'm a little scared by last night's contractions and don't really want to leave the house because I don't know how well I could drive if those contractions attacked me while I was out. Luckily the pharmacy is less than a mile away.

Tomorrow I have a repeat amniotic fluid scan at the MFM. If it went down significantly again- tomorrow might be the day I meet Sunflower. So, if you don't hear from me tomorrow night- you'll know what happened. [But- I'm not holding my breath] As I sit here, a lady in waiting, I'm trying to find ways to occupy my time.

1. Practicing the moby wrap on a stuffed teddy.
2. FINISHED packing the hospital bag.
3. Power walking in the neighborhood [well its a power walk for me, bearing in mind I waddle mostly these days- most people would call it an old lady shuffle]
4. Making thank you gift bags for the nurses. I've heard from nurse friends that this is most appreciated. I'm thinking of putting in some lollipops and chocolates with a little note that says Thanks for taking care of my mommy, love, Sunflower.
5. Organizing duplicate gifts to return to BRU and Target.
6. Installing the car seat
7. Making a mental list of the stuff I will eat once the baby comes out (Strawberry milkshake from Steak-n-Shake, chocolate chip cookies, soft serve frozen yogurt, a nice frosted cupcake).
8. Bribing sunflower with promises of TV viewing and anything naughty he wants if he will just come out [don't intend to follow through but I'm betting he wont remember!]

Any other ideas on how to help pass the time as productively as possible most appreciated!

Nine more days

I'm feeling a little drained. And annoyed. As I stated in my last post I had labor-like contractions for nearly an hour. It hurt like hell. I could not walk nor talk through them and then- they slowly tapered off and now the volcano is silent again. I feel teased. I feel a little frustrated. From the way sunflower is now kicking me, he is feeling teased too. I realize I cannot control my body and I realize this is just a practice run and that as a type-A minded person, my body is apparently a type-A bodied creature that simply must practice 100 times before doing the real thing but I still kind of want to cry. The pain was scary and more powerful than the last time I had painful contractions two nights earlier. This time I felt the pain in my back and pelvic area as well. I know labor hurts. I know that what went in was microscopic but what's going to come out is at least 8 pounds. So yes- pain is to be expected- but wow- that pain is amazing. That pain is otherwordly. I now understand why people of my faith pray for others while in the throes of this pain- I felt like I was on another plane in the midst of the intense pain. But what scares me is that if this isn't labor- will actual labor pains hurt more? That is terrifying.

I want my body to go into labor on its own. I don't want to be induced. So I shouldn't complain. I'm just confused. Is this going to lead to something? Or is my body just messing around? I feel like someone told me you won a million dollars!! and then said oh whoops, not you, the *other* girl in the yellow shirt. Sigh.

Forgive me for my twitter like updates lately but as always this is my place to write about what's going on, and helps me make sense of what is going on. Thank you for listening.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


No contractions today- not a one. Went for a walk with Jack just now. As we came home my tummy started hurting like a painful (TMI alert! Read no further if you're squeamish!) bowel movement was coming. Like when you're constipated. Except, I'm not constipated. Anyways, then proceeded to have the most painful bowel movement of my entire life. Since then the pain remains. It's not powerful like a labor contraction [which I'm told 'if you're having it you won't have any doubt what it is'] but, it HURTS. The uterus is not necessarily hard at all times during the pain (though sometimes it is) but this pain? This pain is like a really really horrible menstrual cramp. It makes me want to put a heating pad on and curl up in a corner with ten Midol tablets. I'm going to distract myself by writing some thank you cards. . . but damn. Ow. I hope this pain is because something is getting started.

Question for anyone who knows: Can you have a labor pain related contraction that hurts like HELL but your uterus is still soft? I'm having this pain and its coming and going in intervals but the uterus is not necessarily always hard.


Please let this pain have a good end result of labor beginning. PleasePleasePlease.

**For one hour the pain came and went, some points was so painful I couldn't walk or talk properly, but now, its gone. I still feel like I'm on my period, but not in a painful way like earlier. This is exhausting and I must say despite sounding like a wimp, that the pain I felt was SCARY.

Letting go of control

I've jokingly likened the wait for Sunflower to watching a kettle and waiting for it to boil. But I realized today I'm not waiting for it to boil, I'm willing it to boil as if by the sheer force of staring at the metaphorical kettle I will produce within it the bubbles I desire. I'm reading Momma Zen, a book given by a lovely friend, which, if you are pregnant or a new mama, you must read. She talks a lot about living in the moment, letting go of the illusion of control and being in the moment that is before us and she says it in a way that makes you stop in your tracks and listen.

Logically, I accept I can't control everything. I couldn't get nor keep pregnancies at will. I can't will a publisher to put an offer on the book my agent is shopping. We fight the carpenter bees in our awning daily but we can't control their hardiness. I know this and yet I still try to control things I can't. It's why I find myself up at 2am filled with anxiety as I wonder when will this happen? Why not now? And yet, these thoughts won't affect labor. I can do my best, walking and otherwise, but ultimately I don't hold the key to the outcome.

I'm trying to let go of the attempts to control and instead enjoy the time I have left. I can't wait to hold him in my arms but I will miss these karate kicks in my womb. I can't wait to hear him cry hearty sobs from healthy lungs but I'm sure a part of me will miss this silence in the middle of the night.

I guess I've been trying so hard to figure out what the next step is I forgot I can't. And the book helped me realize, that when it comes to control and my plans, they will all flip upside down once the baby comes. I plan to breastfeed but maybe I'll be unable to. I shudder at the thought of a C-section but that may be the only option. I have my Wii Fit ready to go to drop the baby weight but maybe it will go slower than I think. We imagine a happy cooing baby but we might have a colicky little bundle. If I thought I had little control now, that control is likely slipping away further once he arrives.

I'm telling myself: If I go all remaining ten days still pregnant- that's okay. I will re-read my favorite books. Call a friend and indulge in a one hour chat. Sleep in and watch the morning filter in through the windows letting the silence feel sacred. Go out with Jack Saturday night, hold his hand on an evening stroll and appreciate this brief interlude before we are coated in spit up and leaky diapers. I'm reminding myself I can't control the outcome but I can control what I do with the time I have.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Amniotic fluids and induction

Dr. MFM told me my amniotic fluid decreased to the borderline level, dropping half in volume since last week. Oh, I said, well I have been leaking some watery discharge. Jack and MFM stared at me like I had morphed into a Cockatoo. And you didn't mention this because. . .? Jack asked. I felt myself grow red well I figured it was normal, plus its not a continuous trickle like Dr. Google said. She took a sample of the fluid [though I wasn't feeling the discharge then] and said I'm going to test to see if its amniotic fluid if it is we'll send you across the street to the hospital and you can deliver today! We just stared at her with our jaws dropped as she left the room. I don't have my bags packed! I shrieked. And today? We meet him today? I know I want to meet him, and yes I'd love to meet him today but wow it hit me like an anvil as Mekate pointed out, whether its this week or next his arrival is imminent!

She didn't find any evidence of a rupture though she said it didn't mean I wasn't leaking earlier. They're having me come in again Thursday to continue monitoring the levels. Friday I'm meeting my OB and the nurse hinted that my OB is on call next Monday and Tuesday so if I'm going to be induced it would likely be then.

If the fluid continues falling its a different matter, but otherwise I'm conflicted about inducing. On one hand my cervix is ripening and I'm dilating and effacing so the risks of C-Section due to induction are lower. Plus I know I'm carrying a large-ish baby so the longer I go the bigger the baby will be. BUT- as I was typing this I had a contraction from hell. I couldnt walk. I couldn't talk through it. My uterus hardened for three minutes while I breathed my way through it. If my body is revving up like an engine trying to get to a comfortable laboring hum, then why not let it? And even though labor feels like its coming tonight, I'm a first timer so odds are I'm not going until at at least my due date. Should I wait it out if I can?

In the meantime I'm going to finish packing my hospital bag, write out a checklist of things to take, and tidy up the bedroom. Sweets are my safe comfort food and I wish so much I could have a nice large milkshake right now. Dang you GD! In the meantime I ate a slice of pineapple. Nothing proves it sends you to labor but right now old wives tales on the internet sound like scientific based medical journals. I wish I could have that nice fun water broke moment soon erasing all doubt of what exactly is happening!

Is it possible to be simultaneously excited and frightened out of one's mind?

NOW I'm scared of labor

I was having a perfectly pleasant dream about bottles. Avent versus Dr. Brown. Me and a friend were discussing the benefits of each quite passionately. Then my stomach started hurting and when I awoke the pain remained and my stomach was hard as a rock and I had to take deep breaths to stave off the pain. It went on for 3 minutes. Then it went away. After that I got more painless braxton hicks tightening [I officially love braxton hicks, they are so gentle, why couldn't we labor with braxton hicks gentle tight and release?] on and off. And then- SLAM. The next contraction was again strong enough I couldn't talk through it and the pain? Damn. Ladies, how do you do it? I found myself moaning and just pacing, walking, lying down, trying to do anything to make this pain go away. This one hurt enough to send a call to the doctor. The meanest Step-OB was on call and when I described my symptoms she said its not real labor (Being the bearer of bad news I suppose does not make her mean though) and such false labors are normal at this stage. I was hoping that since I was contracting every five minutes, just that some were those cute bunny rabbit braxton hicks, that maybe it all added up to labor, but no. She said they all have to be that painful and every five minutes.

So- veteran mothers, don't laugh- but- I had this image of me going into natural labor. I imagined myself packing my bags (because they're not fully packed), taking a shower, grabbing a bite to eat, saying a quick prayer, and then heading to the hospital. Frolicking really. This isn't going to happen, is it?

Now the volcano has calmed down, my uterus is soft, baby is kicking like crazy as if asking what the fuck was that? And I'm left wondering: Is my body sadistic? Or does it mean the real thing is imminent? I guess time will tell. In the meantime- is incessant blogging a symptom of labor?

Texting while laboring

For the past few weeks when we bid adieu to friends they say please send a mass text out when you have the baby so we can come by the hospital to visit you. While incredibly sweet this is surprising. It never occurred to us that friends visited at the hospital. We figured you visited once the family was home. Our plan was to e-mail everyone with an announcement and pictures once Sunflower came and invite people to come visit. I'm planning to order these Hershey bar announcements to give people when they came but obviously can't give them out at the hospital. I can tell my friends are sincere and really would want to come to the hospital so that leaves me confused since we didn't think anyone would ask. When asked we just say yeah for sure if we can remember to do that in the moment. I make a joke about my pregnancy brain and move on, but I guess I'm trying to figure out if you would want (or did you have) friends visiting while at the hospital? If you asked someone to let you know when you went into labor, and then they didn't tell you until later once you were home and the baby was born- would you be hurt?

Sunday, April 25, 2010


At 20 weeks Noelle's baby got a devastating prognosis. My heart is breaking for her, if you can, please send her your support.

Showers and Inductions

The baby shower of which I've written incessantly and you, like true friends, have tolerated patiently is now over. To those of you who urged me to have one, who told me I'd regret it if I didn't: you were right. My friends did an amazing job. The decorations, the personalized goody bags, the delicious food, the generosity of my friends with the gifts blew my mind. How many showers have I left early, driving home as hot salty tears ran down my face? How many excuses did I make to avoid going after my losses? I'm glad I got to experience what its like to be a normal pregnant person. I'm glad I got to sit with people touching my belly and telling me labor horror stories and ooh and aw over onesies. I feel overwhelmed. As soon as I get pics I will put some up!

Another reason I feel overwhelmed is I allowed myself sweets despite the GD and I seriously am shaking and fidgety like I inhaled a bag of crack. Sunflower too, is mighty stoked. I checked my numbers and I was high but not above my numbers. Phew.

As soon as it was over I came home and stared at my belly, willing myself to be the urban legend "she had the shower and went into labor that night!" I know, I sound demented but hope is a crazy thing. The biggest gift of all is wrapped up inside my womb right now. Anyways, I've learned that while the mind is a powerful thing, its not enough to put you in labor at will. I'm walking, eating spicy food, and tomorrow we're going to eat lunch at a famous place in town where the Eggplant dish purportedly puts women into labor. The only one we're not trying is the only one proven to work, the sex. I feel like I swallowed a bowling ball so the thought of getting jiggy with it just doesn't appeal at the moment.

In any case, I'm happy. So incredibly happy. When I feel this happy I sometimes get scared that it will be snatched from me because happiness is a temporary gift sometimes. I'm going to try to let that fear go and just relish the moment right now of feeling like a normal pregnant person.

Random Thoughts

To the 14 year old girls hanging at the mall who loudly whispered as I walked by OMG is she carrying like sextuplets? Followed by maniacal giggles: You shouldn't make fun of people who you'll likely resemble one day such as the pregnant, and the elderly. I will not wish anything seriously bad upon you, but like Sophia in the Golden Girls I put upon you a curse: when the time comes may you grow large as a house,waddle like a penguin with cankles with stretchmarks coating your currently taut bellies!

Looks like Sunflower is holding strong until at least the shower despite a contraction that felt like an earthquake in the middle of Bath and Body Works. I swear sometimes I get this sensation like he's just going to fall out. There are about 19 people including me attending. I'm ignoring the pics on facebook of other showers with 45+ people. Its quality not quantity and I'm grateful to the people choosing to attend. Thanks to those of you who said its okay to feel nervous. Once I'm there, I'm sure the nerves will die down. I love hosting things for other people, but I have a really hard time being hosted.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Waiting For Sunflower- seriously, waiting.***

I think the first year of my IF blogging all I blogged about were my symptoms during the two week wait. Measuring my nausea, and levels of fatigue and squeezing and then reporting on the tenderness of my boobs. [oh yes, this blog was once quite riveting] I am beyond grateful to be on the other end of the TWW but I apologize if I show this gratitude by indulging myself in Symptom Watch 2010, particularly when most of these 'symptoms' are likely not symptoms at all. Still to humor myself here's an accounting:
  1. Nausea. I've been slammed with nausea. Nothing tastes right. Even chips or sipping soda doesn't help like it normally does.
  2. I constantly feel full. I ate breakfast but had to force myself to eat lunch at 4pm not due to hunger but because I needed to eat. I just am not getting hunger pangs.
  3. Weird feelings in the land down under like someone with knitting needles gently tapping.
  4. Walrus-Like. Its not just girth (though I am by all accounts enormous), its how I feel. I want to sit on a rock (or sofa) and just wallow in the sun (or under the fan). Mind you, I had the energy today to vacuum, fold laundry, clean our bedroom and the toilet, all things that need to be done, but I didnt want to. Sure no one ever wants to do household chores but I do them routinely without whining. These days I just can't. Today, I bought the hostess gifts, came home and read, napped, and watched Judge Judy. I did nothing more.
  5. Funky emotions. One minute I want to cry [though not sad]. The next, I feel at peace and feel like I'm on top of the world [though I'm still just walrusing on the couch].
  6. **Edited, add to the list now menstrual cramping, watery discharge, and a hard contraction/cramp that woke me from sleep. Come on, you just know this baby is going to decide to come right before the baby shower! [I realize this is likely of no interest to anyone outside of me, I guess I'm record keeping]
The contractions aren't very strong. Once in a blue moon these past few days I'll get a doozy of a hicks but otherwise its calm but I wonder are all these symptoms the eye before the storm? Can anyone relate?

I know in under two weeks I'll be meeting little guy so theres no need to read into any of this. My family reminds me of this constantly (after they calm down from asking, ARE YOU IN LABOR OMG OMG!) but, you know how it is. So thanks for listening to this silly contemplation as I sit here waiting and wondering, waiting and wondering, when when when.

Friday, April 23, 2010

38 Weeks

38 weeks. K twiddles thumbs. Looks left. Looks right. Back to twiddling thumbs. Yep we've arrived, can someone please tell Sunflower?
  • I'm meeting with my OB one week from today to discuss next steps and a possible induction the first week of May but- its my sincere hope I'll go on my own before then.
  • Anytime I call almost anyone these days before I can even say hi they say you're having the baby aren't you!!?! I guess I'm not the only one on alert.
  • My brother graduates on my due date. My mom has mentioned at least five times A will remember forever I wasn't there so if you can plan the induction on Saturday, after his graduation. . . I get that college graduation is a big deal (though I didn't attend mine) and that A is a very sensitive baby of the family, but I do not want to be made to feel guilty that she can't attend his graduation. If I went into labor May 3 or so she plans to drive 8 hours here and then drive 8 hours back to make it to his graduation and then turn around and come back here. That makes NO SENSE. I told her she should attend his graduation because if she seriously thinks he'll hold a grudge forever then his event should take priority over being here in time for Sunflower's arrival. I'm just tired of being made to feel guilty, I didn't plan to have a due date overlap his graduation date. Jack and I are debating not calling anyone to tell them I'm in labor until Sunflower arrives making it simple for everyone, but I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do either.
  • I haven't taken any birthing classes (out of laziness, though I watched a ton of 16 and pregnant and the baby story on TLC- does that count?) but I'm so calm about this upcoming reality. Maybe its because I know there is no way to get around it or maybe its because I have no idea whats in store for me.
  • My hospital bag is almost packed. I don't have enough maternity clothes to pack them away yet but his clothes, my nursing bras, creams, sugar free candy, socks, etc are all squared away.
  • I finally picked a pediatrician who seems great and came highly recommended. They have several locations and are open seven days a week!
  • I found a nice dress for my shower, and tomorrow I'm hitting up the mall to find a lotion set for the hostesses. I was going to get them a bracelet with Sunflower's birthstone but a) I'm not sure if he'll come in April or May, and b) April's birthstone? Diamonds. So, yeah- Origins lotions it is.
  • I feel like Enfamil and Similac are stalking me. Seriously. I got huge boxes of Enfamil in the mail and my OB office offers me a bag of Similac each time I go and today the pediatrician offered me more too! Maybe I shouldn't have refused some of the free stuff but a) I don't want to formula feed if I can help it and b) the aggressive approach these formula makers use makes my D.A.R.E training from elementary school kick in since I feel like they're pushing me with free samples to hook me. (I hope ya'll remember DARE?)
  • In Milk Watch News, Kroger's Milk now expires May 5. Two days away people! I am currently wondering if I'm neurotic enough to go out and buy the milk once it bears my due date. Me thinks I just may be that crazy.
  • Speaking of Milk Watch. . . I got a Medala from one of Jack's co-workers for about $75 (obviously will be getting separate accessories for it!) but have been nervous that I'm not really showing signs of impending milk production. A friend suggesting I squeeze and um, yep, there's something in there. This is good news but also amazing to consider that these boobs will soon be working girls not just there to sit and look pretty.
  • And- HOLY CRAP this is my 100th post for 2010?! How have I managed to have THAT much to say? Wow.
38 weeks- here's hoping this is my last weekly update for this pregnancy! [Sunday night, baby. Sunday night!]

Thursday, April 22, 2010

The final two week wait

I'm feeling this weird lower pelvic pressure from time to time. It may be in my head, but its like I have a balloon filled with water low in my pelvis and its just about to pop. I'm hoping it means something is happening but its equally liking baby boy is just head bumping me. I'm 2cm dilated so I guess I'm technically in the early phase of labor though this doesn't mean active labor is around the corner. I feel like a volcano, quietly brewing, but yet to erupt. I'm waiting for the fireworks to begin.

TTC involves so much waiting. The wait to ovulate (or not). The two week wait. The wait to the second trimester. To the 20 week ultrasound. I'm in the final wait. Two weeks until my due date. It's certainly the best wait I can possibly ask for but waiting still involves a lot of staring at countdown tickers and judging one's body for signs of something.

It was so weird yesterday when the OB told me she could feel his head. He feels so far away, but he's in me. He's as close to me as anyone will ever be. Once he's out, that's when the physical connection that ties us ends and the true distancing process little by little begins. I'm trying to remember that to stave off the impatience and I can enjoy this brief interlude before he arrives.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Two Centimeters

I went to the OB today for my weekly check-up. Last week I was 1 cm dilated, this week I am 2 cm dilated. She said she could feel his head and that he was quite low. What does this mean? I felt hopeful. Nothing, the OB said, you're progressing but we can't predict labor, could be tonight could be in three weeks. Gah. Why check then? Its good I'm progressing so if an induction is in the cards for me at least we're not starting at 0, but I'd really like to go naturally. I know this sounds morbid but with my miscarriages my body went through the process crazy fast. My body is capable of going into labor naturally so if I can stave off being chemically induced that would be ideal. I have a lot of issues with my body and how its let me down in the past few years, but when it comes to evicting, it can certainly do that. I'm asking little guy to come out soon. Ideally Sunday evening- after the baby shower. And on that note, I know I said I wanted one but I'm getting all nervous and fluttery thinking about it. All eyes on me? Not everyone knows each other? Hopefully it goes well. And on an entirely unrelated note, I now waddle. I wish it amused me as much as it amuses those who love me that I am now officially a penguin:

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Slice of life in the world of a fertile friend

Friend: You're almost there aren't you?
Me: Yes! I'm 37 weeks and 4 days. 17 days until due date, about 10 days until they might give me an induction date. How many weeks pregnant are you?
Friend: Hm, good question. *pause* I think I'm 24 weeks.
Me: Whoo Hoo! You must be so relieved!
Friend: Why?
Me: You know, 24 weeks!
Friend: *crickets*
Me: Well it means you reached viability!
Friend: Via-what?
Me: At 24 week a baby is considered viable so he has a chance of survival outside the womb.
Friend: So if he came out now he'd be fine? How cool!
Me: Well, no, I mean, you don't want him to come out. . .

I bear no ill will towards my friends for not knowing these things. I'm just amazed she doesn't know. In my little fear filled bubble all these months I know statistics and count down days an weeks like its second nature to me. As automatic as breathing almost. I guess I forgot not all pregnant people are similarly preoccupied! Must. be. nice.

Pregnancy Girth

Today after a blessedly uneventful MFM visit, the doc said, see you next week unless you have the baby! One can hope but I don't think he's coming out anytime soon. Though I was having frequent contractions that got me giddy with hope, they've gone down in frequency considerably. I feel like the annoying kid in the back of the car Is it time? Now? Are we there yet? What about now? Um, okay, maybe now?

The thing is, I feel like a whale. Yes in the size department, but more so in the, unable-to-move-well-on-land department. My confidence was much helped today by a lovely sales clerk at the grocery store. Wow, she said with wide eyes, you are huge! I smiled politely. I mean it! Are you overdue? That is one gigantic baby you got in there! Golleee! I just stared at her. Granted, she's taking liberties discussing my largeness because I'm pregnant (I hope!) but you know what? Its hurtful to be called ginormous [even if you are].

Speaking of being huge, that is one thing that makes me sad about this pregnancy ending. I've kind of enjoyed not feeling concerned about my weight. Like most people raised in Western society (or its influence) I have striven for thin my whole life. I have judged myself by the size of my jeans and eaten a slice of cake only to feel horrible afterward vowing to remain on Atkins until I'm 70. Today Jack said to me Pregnancy has made you so much less self-conscious. You seem so much more confident. He's right. It's been nice to not hate my body but instead, pat my roundness and feel proud of my expanding curves. But once Sunflower arrives, this changes. We're going to have a ceremony honoring his arrival in July and then in December my cousin is getting married. The pressure to lose weight for these events and get the 'wow you just had a baby? Can't tell!' will be high and I'm already not looking forward to that. Oh well.

Also, thanks for your insight into the last post about the future of this blog. A post on that is forthcoming- that is, unless this baby makes his way out before then! pleasepleaseplease!

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Ending my blog

Three years and three blogs earlier I started an anonymous IF blog because I needed a place to talk about my struggles, a place I could cry about a negative, wonder what was wrong with me, and say the things family and friends were growing tired of hearing. In my mind I planned to stop the blog once I got pregnant. Because you know, those two pink lines is the end of the TTC journey right? Ha. When I had my miscarriages, blogging kept me from going crazy. Ever since I began blogging about IF and loss, my plan was to stop blogging once I actually met my baby. I mean, I'm Waiting For Sunflower, once he's here, I'm not waiting anymore, right? [Mind you, I didn't plan to stop keeping up with any of your blogs! I just planned to stop blogging myself.]

Even though it feels ten years away, my son is coming soon (God Willing) and so I'm thinking about the future of this blog. Do I stay? Do I go? Do I start a new parenting after IF blog? Do I lift the anonymity and blog under my real name at a new site? My question to you: Do you plan to stop blogging upon parenting? If you are an IF parent blogger what makes you stay? Did you consider stopping once you had a baby? Just curious for your insights on this. [And I'd leave this blog up ofcourse as a success story. . . I know how much that meant to me when I first started on this road]

Friday, April 16, 2010

Kick Count*****

After I hit publish on my previous post, I went to bed. Jack wanted to listen to Sunflower with our doppler. We couldn't find it. After ten minutes, the longest ten where the world went completely pitch silent, we found it, faint at 120 beats a minute. Jack felt satisfied. I didn't. I poked him. Nothing. I jiggled my belly. Nothing. I drank half a glass of OJ. Nothing. I went downstairs and lay on the sofa. Two hours ten kicks is the standard. In two hours he made about 7-8 subtle movements, mostly in response to my pokes. I decided he was alive and somewhat moving so I'd call if he didn't get a little more active in the morning. This morning again, nothing in response to my pokes. he did get the hiccups but Dr. Google says that doesnt count as part of the kick test. The OB advised me to eat breakfast with some OJ and lie on my side and do a kick test for an hour. If that does nothing they'll have me come in for monitoring.

I'm on a parent listserv. Just had the nerves to sign up for it last week. Sometimes people sell things that have never been used like a bumbo or jumparoo. This makes sense, maybe they thought they'd use it but never did. Today I saw someone selling a bouncer, a car seat, a swing, a baby tub, never used. My blood went cold. Why are they selling never used baby things? I think of my living room filled with amazon boxes, the baby registry I'm working on, and. . . yeah, I begin feeling scared shitless.

I get that I shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch. Totally get it. But. For fuck's sake, can't I ever just preen naively, liken myself to a cute walrus and say everything looks good without the universe gut punching me a reminder that nothing is certain?

**He managed the ten movements in an hour after drinking OJ. The nurse was pleased but since then I've felt uneasy. I can feel his little foot which I normally tap and he kicks me back. Now, nada. I've grown used to his routine and its changed. I called and asked if they can monitor me just so I'm not nuts this weekend and she said ok so I'm going in at 2EST. I wish I could say I'm trusting my gut, but I'm not sure I have a gut anymore. Fear has warped it beyond recognition. I'm indulging my paranoia is more like it. But you know what? Better peace of mind and better safe than sorry

*** Thanks for your reassurances, as you predicted, all was well. Ofcourse, as is always the case, one I was strapped on the monitors Sunflower decided to show his dancing skills to the theme of Kung Fu Fighting. I stared helplessly at the OB I swear he wasn't doing that before! The OB said around this stage movements change due to size. Phew. She told me to start kick counts daily and I'm so glad no one made me feel stupid for my fears. Three.More.Weeks.

37 Weeks

I am 37 weeks pregnant. I am full term. No more countdowns. It could happen anytime. Perhaps today. Perhaps next week. I have tears in my eyes typing this because I never thought this day would come. I still remember at 9 weeks pregnant wiping and finding blood. Rushing to the OB knowing it was over. Watching her expression as she shielded me from the u/s machine and then the smile as she showed me the heartbeat. And now while I know nothing is certain until it is certain and we're not there yet, I'm amazed to have come this far.

In other news. . .
  • My preeclampsia results were normal!
  • On an important note: In my faith, women often pray for their friends and family while in labor because it is said the prayers of a laboring woman are given special consideration. I dont know if this is true but I'm hoping it is and please know if I read your blog or know you read mine you're on my prayer list. If there's anyone who wants me to add them to the list or if there is a specific prayer please leave a comment.
  • Thanks for your advice on baby showers! It was last minute and we're only giving people two weeks notice (It is next Sunday April 25) so I was hoping for maybe 8 people to show up but so far 20 people RSVPd which is pretty much everyone I invited. I'm touched and honored and am going to try my best to be at ease being the center of attention. I'm not used to that. I also feel weird not contributing to the event. I'm not used to people doing things for me and I think the hostesses want to kill me because I keep asking them to let me help.
  • Speaking of baby showers, any ideas for a good hostess gift? I was thinking maybe a bath set from Origins (you know. . . shower?) but not sure. Ofcourse . . .
  • I wonder if I'll go into labor before the party. Contractions continue to come and go. Some are painful and wrap around my body, some are period cramps, some are so mild I hardly notice and then there's the nightly someone is stabbing my cervix with a knitting needle pain. Im fine with little guy coming whenever he wants but I'd feel bad if he came right before the shower since they're working hard with very little time to put it together.
  • With my two miscarriages, my body, like a bouncer, pushed them out astonishingly fast. This is why I'm so grateful to reach full term. I just wonder if now my uterus is so busy cuddling little guy we'll have to file eviction papers to get him out.
  • As anxious as I am to meet him my dear friend and new mama reminded me I should enjoy these last few weeks too. I went to Karaoke on Monday with some girlfriends, we're going to a festival on Saturday with friends and doing a movie on the green. I'm trying to enjoy the time left instead of staring at the clock as it ticks down.
  • And that nesting instinct I talked about previously? The one that led to me repainting the walls and smoothing our ceilings and cleaning behind the couch? It's gone. I am enjoying nothing more lately than sitting on the couch wallowing.
  • And finally, since I'm full term, I thought I'd give you a pic of what I now resemble:
Oh yes, sexy is my middle name. Happy Full Term to me. Good job little guy. Thank you womb. Note to Sunflower: you're a 7 pounder. Come out come out whenever you want!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

My first pediatrician interview

I knew I needed to pick a pediatrician for little dude so I looked up the ones my insurance takes and set out to interview them. I hate doing it this way. I went through so many bad OBGYNs in my search for answers to my infertility and the one who ultimately helped me was through recommendations. Recommendations are the way to go but unfortunately my friends with babies don't live close to me, plus I am on Tr.ic.are which limits my doc choices exponentially.

So I saw Dr. Ass [not his real name, is my foreshadowing of how this appointment went working?]. I knew things were bad when I first walked in and sat down and heard him shouting down the hallway Hey Gail, ever heard of jiggly eyes being normal? The nurse yelled back no and Dr. A proceeded to tell the nurse (and everyone in the waiting room) the details of this patient's issues. Um, doctor-patient confidentiality anyone? I was tempted to get up and walk out right then and there but I tried reasoning that it was late and maybe he didn't realize anyone else was in the office. Once he closed the room to continue with the patient, I could hear every word through the door. Again- awkward but I thought, how can he know we can hear things through a closed door? It was weird to see the family file past me after the appointment knowing all about their five month old baby. As he led me to his office he said Sorry to keep you waiting but that kid had a looot of ear wax.

We sat down to talk and that's when things got even funner. The first thing he said was Is this your first kid? I nodded. He leaned back and laughed welcome to the real world! it was all just play until now. Nothing pisses me off more than this statement. Still I bit my tongue. He then proceeded to guess my race, my religion, and make stereotypes galore. He said my mother's generation was useless as far as taking care of babies. He said that if I could get a wet nurse until my milk came in that was the way to go. And he assumed I knew nothing. Do you know what a wet nurse is? I nodded. He smirked, oh yeah? Tell me? I told him. Oh wow, you know so much! Did you go to Harvard or Yale? By now I'd stopped smiling and just stared at him with raised eyebrows. We ended our conversation and I left.

How are there people with functioning practices who behave this way? I am bewildered beyond belief. Needless to say, back to the drawing board.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Losing Speck

Today is the anniversary of when I lost Speck. I dreaded this day for months. I wondered what I would say, but today, I feel fine. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Why should this day hurt less or more than any other? It's like the silliness of Valentines Day. It's fine to set aside a day but the truth is, I don't miss or feel sad any more today than I do any other day of the week just as my love for Jack doesn't alter because its an anniversary or V-day. Regardless of what people may think of a 10.5 week fetus, the fact is he was a part of me. When I lost him, I lost a part of me. I don't need a date to remember this. When you lose a piece of yourself, you always remember.

Monday, April 12, 2010

MFM Update

I have mixed feelings about today's MFM visit:
  • Sunflower weighed in at 7lb3oz. After I proceeded to have a heart attack the tech remeasured and revised her estimate to 6lb14oz. 70th percentile. No one except me and Jack seem concerned that this puts him on track to be about 9 pounds at birth.
  • My blood pressure was pretty high which is unusual for me since I'm usually on the lower end, on retest I was borderline normal but my ankles are swelling and there was a tiny bit of protein in my urine so they took my blood to make sure I'm not getting preeclampsia.
  • While sitting in the waiting room I began having menstrual like cramps to the point that it was hard to breathe through it, but. . .
  • A cervix check shows that the baby has not dropped and while slightly soft, my cervix is only dilated a fingertip so. .
  • Labor aint coming no time soon, I'm just having good old fashioned braxton hicks.
I'm glad the cervix is slowly softening and its slightly opened (albeit just a fingertip) so at least the contractions I'm having aren't in vain. Everyone tells me that when its labor I'll know, so I guess I'll resist the urge to read into anything. It's so weird though. This time next month I will have Sunflower in my arms. I've been through so many months of waiting. Yet, this final wait, of a mere three weeks, it feels like I will have a fluff of white hair and a cane by the time I get there.

Sunday, April 11, 2010


The contractions- they just keep on coming. So much so I've stopped counting. Pretty much anytime I stand up, I contract. Sitting, I get them too. The contractions today are a little different. There is more pressure. A few times I felt a sharp pain like a needle go down my cervix on downwards and there's been a few contractions lately that are making me catch my breath. But not all of them, and not consistently, and I can still talk through them, so its likely not labor. This is an important doctor week. Tomorrow MFM will tell me how much little dude weighs which will help us figure out what the plan will be and Tuesday when my OB does the swab test they do at 36 weeks she can also just see how my cervix is holding up. Its so weird- last year this time I had contractions like this though a tad more painful and I knew what was happening and that it was happening soon. But now- with these contractions there is no telling. My body might be contracting to do practice runs (makes sense, I'm so type A!) or it might be pre-labor, or who knows. ARGH.

A year ago. Today.

Its been a year since the sounds of birds chirping in the morning make me cringe. A year ago today a bird rested on a tree next to our opened bedroom window. A year ago today Jack wouldn't rouse from sleep to shut it. A year ago today I got up to close that window and the sounds outside ceased. A year ago today I discovered bright red blood.

Today I woke to birds chirping by my window but this time the window was closed. Today Jack doesn't sleep quite so soundly. Today I lay in bed watching the morning light filter in I felt my stomach harden and knew I didn't need to panic. Today my womb is filled with life.

I can recall every vivid moment of that 24 hour nightmare as if it happened yesterday. I remember I thought I would die from the grief. While a part of me feels like time flew, I see myself in the mirror- pregnant for the third time- and I see a testament to the length of a year.

There is a sense of sadness today for the dreams I had and the innocence I lost but there is equal parts gratitude. Yes there are scars, yes there are holes, but today I am also filled to the brim in my womb, my heart, and my soul.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Contractions, continued

As I said in my last post, I'm contracting more than usual for me. I stayed off my feet. I drank 13 glasses of water. And they keep coming. As of 9:00pm I've contracted: 9:09; 9:11; 9:20; 9:34; 9:55; 10:11; 10:17. I feel a weird pressure, like something pressing down in my pelvic region. But if the standard of my OB is true: a true contraction is not being able to talk through it, then I'm not there. What the heck is this? Does this mean labor is coming soon? They're not five minutes apart for thirty minutes so I won't call in but its weirding me out. This weekend last year I began my miscarriage at my in-laws home. This year my first real eyebrow raising contractions on the very same weekend? I'm still a few days shy of full-term so its not time for this yet. I just wonder what is going on. Anyone else go through this? And 10:29 as I sign off- yet another one!

Oh Contractions

Before pregnancy, I thought labor would be simple to figure out. My water would break, contractions would begin and with a dainty hand I'd lift my packed hospital bag and Jack and I would, with flushed faces, head to labor and delivery.

Then I began reading blogs and I learned that going into labor is not as simple as the movies.

I'm having contractions today. They're uncomfortable. I get pressure. Sometimes they last for ten seconds, sometimes one full minute. I read that I should call the OB if the contractions are more than 4 per hour. After the fifth one today I called. The on-call OB said if I was able to talk through the contraction its not labor and to call only if contractions were every five minutes for thirty minutes. She said I could go into labor today or go past my due date, the contractions were no indicator of that. Thanks to Kate's experiences, I already knew that.

I just feel uncomfortable today. When he moves it hurts. I feel pressure in my abdomen. I could liken it to when one is constipated, except, I'm not. The uterus is contracting but not every five minutes and not painful to the point of not being able to talk through it. The OB said this is normal.

I guess its time to get a notepad out and time them and see what's going on. The craziest part about this was the doctor was totally unconcerned. She simply said you're 36 weeks pregnant so we're not worried anymore, if you have him today or next week, it will be okay. Wow- hot diggidy damn. We have arrived.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Baby Showers- advice needed.

I just went out to lunch with two friends who had offered months ago to throw me my baby shower. As you recall, I said no. Well, from a few posts down I mentioned that I was beginning to regret this decision. At the lunch, one of my friends ('sue'), the one who had insisted but then had marital problems and left town, brought it up again. I felt weird since the other friend ('jane') was quiet while sue really urged me to do it even if it was post baby. So I said hesitatingly okay maybe but when would it be? She suggested May 1 or 2. That's Week 39. My due date is May 7. My question to you guys is, is that too close to the due date to have a shower? As for inductions it likely wouldn't happen until that week, but aren't there high odds I could go into labor on my own before then?

I said okay and she asked me to get a list to her by tomorrow and she'll start planning it. Sue told me she was planning the shower even out of town with her marital issues and had e-mailed Jane but Jane had told her I didn't want one. Which is true. I didn't. So now I feel like since Sue is going to be relying on Jane to throw the shower too, am I inconveniencing Jane since there are only three weeks to go for the shower? Should I even be doing it at this point?

Any advice much appreciated.

36 Weeks

36 weeks. 28 days to go. 4 weeks until my due date. 1 week to full term.

It's hard to grasp how close this all is. This entire pregnancy, time has felt amorphous, as Eve so eloquently put it it: 10 days sounds more like 10 years to me. The impending delivery of the twins is abstract from time, like the way my son understands time. He knows what a day is, what tomorrow is, and yesterday, but beyond that…a week may as well be eight weeks, a month may as well be a year.

I'm getting rounder both in stomach and face and I now officially waddle. I'm psyched about this 37th week as I get to find out if Sunflower weighs 20 pounds and my OB visits become weekly. Why? Because his arrival is just around the corner! And as nervous as I may sometimes feel about my parenting abilities, the physical discomfort helps me grow increasingly eager for him to come on out and meet me!

This week was kind of rough. Thanks, as always, for holding my hand. This weekend, my in-laws are visiting. They're on the smile offensive right now since we stopped contact after their behavior in November. MIL asked Jack the other day please let us know when the baby is born. They're getting nervous. She told Jack I'm not to cook as she plans to come and cook enough for the following days and weeks. She's a splendid cook so I'm not complaining about her offer but am suspicious since in 8 years, through law school and miscarriages she's never offered this before. I know she's trying to be nice so she can have an edge back into our lives. I'm hopeful, but wary since last time we spoke she said when you have contractions let us know and we'll drive to the hospital. This after Jack already told them we'll call them when we want them to visit. Luckily Jack and I are on the same wave length MIL WILL NOT be in the delivery room. Not. Happening. I'm hopeful that since they'll be trying to make nice, this weekend will go well. MIL can be very nice if she's in the mood and regardless of motive, I'll take it. FIL is always difficult to take- but he can't help it, I take it less personally.

This was the weekend I went to my in-laws last year. This Sunday last year I lay in their guest room and felt blood. Monday last year I miscarried. I can't believe its been a year but I'm focusing on what I have, not what I don't have. Tuesday, April 13, the anniversary of the miscarriage I have OB visits, pediatrician visits, and lunch with a friend. My hope is packing the day will minimize the urge to wallow and feel sad. I will certainly not fight the sadness if it hits me because Rain, after all, is only rain; it is not bad weather. So also, pain is only pain, unless we resist it, then it becomes torment. -I Ching.

I hope you all are doing well. Here's to week 37. I hope this week flies by as quickly as it can. Of course having said that. . . sigh!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Baby Showers revisited

It appears I wrote about my baby shower issues on my old blog. To recap, with my first pregnancy I was so excited about the whole process that when my friend insisted on throwing me a shower upon hearing about the two lines on the pregnancy test I had even made out a whole list and browsed two registries! My SIL upon hearing about it snidely pointed out that baby showers are a bad idea because you never know what can go wrong and such a gathering is counting chickens before hatching. I rolled my eyes at her and then miscarried the next day.

Two miscarriages under my belt later, when I began telling people the news, two friends offered to throw me one. I said no its okay, I don't need one. Why? I had several reasons (1) My SIL's words were stuck in my head and I was still scared at 20 weeks when the shower was offered (2) I had such a long aversion to showers due to IF and loss I felt weird having one (3) I'm kind of a shy person and it feels weird to say yes throw me a shower dammit and being the center of attention and asking for gifts. (4) Jack was not enthusiastic about me having one because he was struggling with the same fears. (5) I was planning to have a cultural rite of passage for the baby upon his birth where you throw a party and feed the poor to celebrate the baby's arrival.

So I said no. One never asked again. The other- did- and I hesitatingly said yes around week 28 because I was slowly believing in the pregnancy and Jack too thought I should have one. This friend was super excited and told me to send her a list of the guests and then had marital problems and moved out of town. She just got back into town last Friday and it appears her marriage is here to stay.

I get that it was my choice to say no to the baby shower offers. But the looks of pity that I'm not having one are starting to get to me. I miss the close friends I have that live far away that wouldn't have cared if I had said yes or no to their offer simply because they knew me and knew that sooner or later I'd regret not having one (as they pointed out numerous times, as did, ahem, many of you). I'm starting to regret it. I have most of what he needs- so its beyond a gift grab thing- it just feels I've somehow missed out an important acknowledgment.

I am having a post-baby celebration. At least that's the plan. Who knows how I'll feel once baby actually arrives and I'm working on no sleep? So this should be enough right? I'm possibly having lunch with the two girls who'd offered me a shower months earlier and part of me is tempted to backtrack and say I feel more comfortable now and if maybe in two weeks. . . but then, two weeks is not a long time to get a baby shower ready, I said no earlier, and its kind of too late, they'll be annoyed, the end of April I'll be 38 weeks pregnant, possibly already with baby in tow, so its too late.


Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Finding anger in silence

Yesterday was kind of a rough day for me. Its the day I believe I lost Speck one year ago. I miscarried him a week later but yesterday was when all my symptoms disappeared and I had called my doctor in a state of panic telling her I felt the baby died. She dismissed it telling me symptoms can vanish with time. Later I dealt with a lot of anger at this dismissal though today I realize that even if she had taken me seriously, nothing could have been done to prevent the outcome.

I'm not sure what came over Sunflower yesterday but he decided yesterday was a great day to go from squirmy pokey jumpy baby into a hibernating bear. He just stopped moving. He has his on days and off days so for most of the day I thought nothing of it until later in the evening when I realized I hadn't really felt him move all day. So, I tried the usual things that get him moving, I poked him, drank cold water, jiggled my belly- nothing. Nothing. Before going to bed I listened to him on the cheapo doppler I bought and haven't used in weeks. I could hear a heartbeat but it sounded faint and in the 130's. Still- I told myself it was him and all was well. But I couldn't sleep well. I kept waking up, poking, pressing, prodding- nothing.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and around 3am I went downstairs to the fridge and pulled out a sickeningly sweet pineapple drink that as a diabetic I know I shouldn't drink but I felt desperate to feel the kid move so I drank half a glass and then half a glass of ice water. I went upstairs and lay down, waiting for something- and again- nothing. I stared at the clock it was 3:15. I felt rage building in me as tears slid down my face. I felt angry. Angry that it had to be today of all days that he grew quiet. Angry that I had to worry about whether he was alive or not. Angry that there are pregnant women right now who don't think bad things can happen to them and don't live with this type of fear. I looked at the crib, the glider, thought of all his onesies and Jack who had urged me not to buy so much until we were sure. And when would I be sure? I wondered. After child birth? After the SIDS danger zone passed? Or was it too late? I felt the anger might choke me as I pressed my hand on my quiet belly.

Jack woke up. He was equally concerned. We lay there discussing what to do. The heartbeat was there but should we still call the doctor? Five minutes later a gentle poke. Then another. In total about ten gentle taps and then silence.

Today he's back to his usual schedule. He's practicing his hula-hooping or whatever it is he does in there and turning my grateful womb into his punching bag. I'm not sure if I fell into a tailspin because he fell silent on the anniversary of my loss but I know that I am now officially staring at a kettle, waiting for it to boil- and well, we all know how that goes.

Monday, April 5, 2010


My MFM appointment went well. The tech sucked and we got no pictures but the important thing is Sunflower is doing great. He was sucking his fingers, karate chopping me and taking in huge gulps of fluid but I was surprised by his heart rate,167, since its usually in the 140s. The doctor was not concerned saying that baby heart rates fluctuate. But I felt a little guilty.

You see, I hate to admit it, but I'm getting a little nervous. I hope that my nerves are not the reason his heart rate is higher and I'm trying to control the anxiety as best I can. According to what I've read preggos at my stage often feel needy, vulnerable and lonely in the final weeks to labor- I'm feeling exactly this. I can't figure out why. Jack is supportive, we've bought almost everything we'll need, and though my friend circle isn't what it was I have caring friends always a phone call away. So I should not be feeling these feelings.

It started Friday. Some friends were discussing planning a LOST finale party since its in the final season when it hit me: LOST ends May 27. Sunflower will be here! Then today at the MFM they mentioned they don't want me going past my due date and if my cervix is ripe they want to induce me at 39 weeks. That's three weeks away. My stomach is full of a thousand butterflies just typing that.

I can't make sense of the nerves. I want my baby. I've been waiting for years to meet him. So how can the knowledge that this is finally going to happen freaking me out? I think I'm anxious about labor, breastfeeding, knowing how to care for him, I mean sure I've read a ton of books but that's all theory. I'm nervous about how much we're spending and how I don't have a job. Nervous that the house is still messy post-painter and I lack the energy to clean as I should. Nervous because his nursery looks like a tragic war zone. Just flat out nervous and its seriously making me breathe shallow and my tummy hurt. And then this makes me nervous because I shouldn't be feeling this way and I wonder what is wrong with me? and I proceed to have anxiety about my anxiety!

My mom reminded me that most of what I'm doing is for me not him. He doesn't care about bed ruffles or monkeys on the walls, the perfect onesie, or how messy our living room is. He just wants to be loved, fed and have a place to sleep. I'm trying to reign in the anxiety by taking walks, deep breathing and figuring out what else to do. It's such a weird mind-body disconnect because I am anxiously counting down to the due date but now I'm also anxiously nervous about the due date.

I hesitate even posting this. I feel I've said all this before in many different ways and I probably sound ungrateful. While I may be repetitive I'm not ungrateful. I love Sunflower more than I knew I could. I don't want to feel this way- I just do. Sigh.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Braxton Hicks and Police Officers

He's been quite active today. Hiccups, jumps, pokes, squirms. My stomach looks like an invisible person is using it as a water mattress. Along with it I get pressure like I'm having a period. It went on for 2-5 minutes and then went away, and then returned. Maybe its gas so I'm not calling my OB yet- but can you get this pressure during pregnancy? I have an MFM appointment tomorrow so I'm trying to wait it out. I've already discussed with little dude in full detail: two more weeks! Hopefully he's listening.

In unrelated news we woke up today to loud banging and ringing of our door. Jack opened the door. Two cops in two cop cars on our driveway asking to speak to ME. Apparently, our painter who nicely offered to take some of our trash bags to the dump when he went, illegally dumped the trash a mile down the road from our house and bills with my name were scattered for miles down the road. The cops were very concerned someone broke into our house, stole these bills and then scattered them a mile down the road. They then handed us our torn bills and left. So there are in fact two lessons to be gathered here (1) Shred your documents (2) If you want to live in a city where no real crime apparently happens resulting in two officers showing up to deliver trash to your home- live in my city.

Labor and Delivery Tour

We went on our Labor and Delivery tour today. We saw the labor rooms, the aftercare rooms, the nursery. It was all relayed so matter-of-fact and yet the entire time this hormonal preggo was choking back tears. I know that 35 weeks into this pregnancy this should all feel pretty fucking real but I'm still taken aback as to how it hits me as though anew- this is happening. I saw the check-in desk, the wheelchairs lined up, the storks outside of new mother's rooms. Soon, I will check in. I will sit in a wheelchair. There will be a stork outside my room. I thought by now I'd feel ho-hum, but nearly every single day I have a moment be it running my hand on a onesie, or walking past his crib where it all hits me as though for the first time this baby is real, he's coming, he's going to be mine-- no, he's already mine. Standing in the very hospital I used to drive past on my way to work and feel an ache, I wonder when will I wake up from this dream? I wonder when will all this feel old and something I take for granted? Because surely that time will come. Will it be in the final days? Will it be after the tenth diaper change? I'm beginning to think this is the one gift IF and loss has given me, the constant awe and wonder. I know I'm fortunate- so fortunate, that words can't fully capture it.

[And in other non-sentimental news- once these emotions washed over me, I then stared in panic at the birthing room, and the stirrups, and the bags of pitocin in the fridge and suddenly this ostrich has lifted her head from the sand and um, holy shit! What is coming out of WHERE? and WHEN? My Braxton Hicks are now different- whereas once they simply tightened painlessly, now there is a subtle pressure despite the continued irregularity. Oh yes, this is really happening. Oh yes- someone needs to figure out a plan and soon!]

Friday, April 2, 2010

35 Weeks and shopping

35 Weeks and 35 days to go! Five weeks to due date. Two weeks to full term.

Nothing much to report. I'm well. Sunflower is well. All is ho-hum (i.e. perfect). So what does a non-freaked out K do? Apparently, she shops. Physical and on-line shopping. And on-line shopping- tis a devious thing since it doesn't feel like you parted with copious sums of money when you're simply hitting buttons. [and its so fun to get packages!] Plus, Amazon wisely saves my credit card info so I don't even have to pull out my card before buying.

I've kept a tab on my spending and so far I'm at $1,000 [BOY am I missing that baby shower] What are the necessities? According to me: crib, mattress [Colgate Classica I foam mattress], sheets, bouncer [thanks Mae!], rocking chair, receiving blankets, clothes, mittens, hats, baby tub, changing pad, boppy, stroller frame, car seat, pacifiers, lotion, soap, baby bjorn, Moby wrap, wash cloths, hooded towel, and Curious George board books [not a necessity per se but for a bookworm like me, very important] My cousin is buying me a diaper bag. [Because of PCOS I'm holding off on bottles and pump until I see what's up with breastfeeding] Am I missing a necessity?

I'm blown away by how much itty bitty babies cost. I know, duh, but for so long since I was so focused on just keeping baby alive that now all this stuff surprises me. My parents generously covered half our expenses and I'm grateful for that. Plus according to Baby Bargains, we're well below the average spending parents do. Not that I mind spending $ on bebe but considering I want to be a SAHM for a while, we need to be careful how we spend.

A question about clothes. How many does a baby need? In 0-3 he has three cute 'for the guests' outfits. 9 onesies. 8 footed PJs and gowns, 2 mittens and 2 hats. Is this enough? Does he need socks? He's not walking. . . ? I have 8 receiving blankets- is that enough? And- how do you organize them?

It's blowing my mind that I will be full term in just 14 days. Mind blowing- awesome- fantastic. I'm so giddy with anticipation and yet- all you can really do is wait. And shop.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Parenting Expectations

The crib and glider are set. His clothes are ready to be washed and folded. Minus pacifiers and a few small items, we're ready [Well, sort of, but that's a post unto itself!] I just hope we'll be emotionally ready. For eight years its been Jack and me. Sleeping in, eating out, traveling, renting loads of DVDs. Now we will bring in an unknown variable, a cute pouty lipped variable but a variable to what we've known.

Sometimes I worry about Jack's expectations. When you've dealt with IF and loss, and waited a while to have a baby, you have a lot of time to dream and fantasize. A few times now Jack has said our baby will be really chill, I can tell because he doesn't kick you very hard. He envisions him cooing in the crib, or snuggled between us in bed on a lazy Sunday morning. he knows his boy will share his toys, eat his greens and thank us for parenting him. (Well he didn't put it quite this way but its the impression I got). While I hope this will happen- I have tentatively told him its also going to be hard and challenging, sleepless nights, hormones I'm crashing from, not understanding his needs. He waves this away. Yeah but it will be okay, we won't mind because we'll love him so much, and besides, I think he's going to be an easy baby.

But just like acid reflux is annoying despite a much wanted pregnancy, I'm assuming you can love your child and still miss sleep. I'm lucky. I've had a few friends who refused to sugar coat it for me, and I'm blessed to have y'all, many of whom are parenting after IF and say it straight so I know it won't be kisses and giggles at all times. I just wonder about Jack and how he'll handle it if little dude isn't as easy as he predicts. I'm sure we'll roll with the punches but I hope he doesn't get punched too hard.

On another note, I hope he is prepared for the emotions I may experience. Having wanted this pregnancy for years, one would expect that I'll be just smiling and starry eyed at all times. I desperately hope this will be the case but I'm aware of the hormone-crash. That my mother had Post-Partum depression. That sometimes I struggle with regular old depression. And that if PMS is any indication, I might have emotional lows upon giving birth. We've been talking about it and he says he understands. I hope he knows that if God forbid I do have emotional instability, that its not because I don't love the miracle I've been given, but hormones that in some ways are out of my control.

Last April I lost Speck. Since then we've been through so much and our marriage only got stronger. I hope that if parenthood tests us unexpectedly that we will also find our way through this too.