We went on our Labor and Delivery tour today. We saw the labor rooms, the aftercare rooms, the nursery. It was all relayed so matter-of-fact and yet the entire time this hormonal preggo was choking back tears. I know that 35 weeks into this pregnancy this should all feel pretty fucking real but I'm still taken aback as to how it hits me as though anew- this is happening. I saw the check-in desk, the wheelchairs lined up, the storks outside of new mother's rooms. Soon, I will check in. I will sit in a wheelchair. There will be a stork outside my room. I thought by now I'd feel ho-hum, but nearly every single day I have a moment be it running my hand on a onesie, or walking past his crib where it all hits me as though for the first time this baby is real, he's coming, he's going to be mine-- no, he's already mine. Standing in the very hospital I used to drive past on my way to work and feel an ache, I wonder when will I wake up from this dream? I wonder when will all this feel old and something I take for granted? Because surely that time will come. Will it be in the final days? Will it be after the tenth diaper change? I'm beginning to think this is the one gift IF and loss has given me, the constant awe and wonder. I know I'm fortunate- so fortunate, that words can't fully capture it.
[And in other non-sentimental news- once these emotions washed over me, I then stared in panic at the birthing room, and the stirrups, and the bags of pitocin in the fridge and suddenly this ostrich has lifted her head from the sand and um, holy shit! What is coming out of WHERE? and WHEN? My Braxton Hicks are now different- whereas once they simply tightened painlessly, now there is a subtle pressure despite the continued irregularity. Oh yes, this is really happening. Oh yes- someone needs to figure out a plan and soon!]