Thursday, March 29, 2012

From the mouths of babes

About one week ago, my son pulled me to him from where he sat in his highchair and lifted up my shirt pressing a hand against my stomach. He paused and grinned at it and rubbed my belly and then said baby. He did it again that evening in front of my husband. Later on Skype with my parents. Baby, each and every time. Babies sometimes know these things my mother said with a raised eyebrow and a smile. I imagined the story I'd tell this child, how his/her brother knew they were coming before anyone else did, because he had a sense beyond all of ours borne of pure innocence that is part and parcel of babyhood.

And today I got my period. It's heavy like last month, heavier than I've ever had in my life and hurt more than I can bear. It's funny, I've lost a lot of weight, over twenty pounds so far, and its been difficult involving a lot of dieting and care, but the weight of infertility comes back on in an instant, fitting like an old glove.

Before my son the obstacle in pregnancy was simply ovulating. Once I ovulated pregnancy always followed. I ovulated three times. Each time I got pregnant. My cycles are normal again, I've ovulated three times now this year, and yet there is no pregnancy. I know these things take time but for me its all such a guessing game.

I hung out with a friend last night and she's pregnant with her second timing it to be two years after the birth of her first little girl. She said they wanted to space them this way as its easier according to studies. I wanted to tell her it must be nice to have that luxury to follow studies so faithfully, but how can I fault her for having it easier? How can I feel a tinge of bitterness when I have one, one I thought I wouldnt have.

In some ways its nice to feel this sting. It's good to remember how much I now have and how dark it was when I didn't. How while I nurse an empty womb, I am holding my son all the same.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight. Losing my . . .

As some of you know I'm a contributing author in an anthology that came out last month. To put a long story short, my local religious community shunned the book, removing it from their book club queu and informing the facebook world that they hated it. While I understand if someone doesn't like it and I didnt' frankly expect them to given their conservative leanings, I didn't expect them to defy the norms of politeness and announce it so harshly online for all the world [including me] to see.

I'm not as spiritual as I'd like but I do want my son in addition to having friends of all walks of life, race and faith, I do want him to have friends in the religious community, the issue is where I live my particular religious community sucks. No other word for it. They are stunted at 10th grade with 10th grade bullying, gossiping, drama, and pettiness. They judge you for the cars you drive, the purse you have, and no matter what they will be your best friends as long as you host tons of fun parties and invite them to it. It's small petty and as much as I enjoy me some guilty-Real House Wives of Blank County on BRAVO I don't want it in my personal life.

And yet that is what I have. That is my community.

I want my son to have friends who are part of his faith. I'm terrified that I'm setting him on a road where he will not have faith and for me this is important. HE can choose later if he doesn't want it, but I need to do my part to give him the opportunity to want it. But what do I do? Invite people I hate who are rude to my face and talk about things that dry up my soul so he can play with their kids? My parents did it. Do I have to do it too?

I feel guilt that I want nothing to do with these people. And guilt that all I have to do to give W these friendships is to host a couple of dinner parties and put on a pained smile and then go to the homes of these people myself. I'm so torn over this I'm literally walking around choking back tears. Part of it is hurt to be publicly called out. Part of it is a deep fear of how much my son will be shortchanged.

I've struggled mightily with sharing this on my regular blog but the shitstorm that could erupt makes me think its not worth the trouble especially since the ramifications could also affect my husband and his friendships and I don't think that will be worth it, so I'm coming here to my safe space. Thanks for reading, have any of you remotely had to struggle with this? Any advice or perspective would be much appreciated. Thank you.