Braxton Hicks and Police Officers

He's been quite active today. Hiccups, jumps, pokes, squirms. My stomach looks like an invisible person is using it as a water mattress. Along with it I get pressure like I'm having a period. It went on for 2-5 minutes and then went away, and then returned. Maybe its gas so I'm not calling my OB yet- but can you get this pressure during pregnancy? I have an MFM appointment tomorrow so I'm trying to wait it out. I've already discussed with little dude in full detail: two more weeks! Hopefully he's listening.

In unrelated news we woke up today to loud banging and ringing of our door. Jack opened the door. Two cops in two cop cars on our driveway asking to speak to ME. Apparently, our painter who nicely offered to take some of our trash bags to the dump when he went, illegally dumped the trash a mile down the road from our house and bills with my name were scattered for miles down the road. The cops were very concerned someone broke into our house, stole these bills and then scattered them a mile down the road. They then handed us our torn bills and left. So there are in fact two lessons to be gathered here (1) Shred your documents (2) If you want to live in a city where no real crime apparently happens resulting in two officers showing up to deliver trash to your home- live in my city.

Moments.

My mother cried when Sunflower poked her hand from within.
We brought home his crib, I helped Jack assemble it.
At the park a breeze followed us like a trace of heaven.

Jack lay his head on my stomach at night to listen to his heartbeat while I ran my fingers through his hair which today I saw had more strands of gray than it once did.

Each of these moments were perfect. Each moment felt achingly beautiful as I realized how brief each moment is. I may or may not have other similar moments, but I will never have this moment right now ever again.

I don't often think about dying. I focus on living. There's an illusion that I have forever. But today the illusion shifted. One day the people I love will be gone. One day I will be gone. My mind can grow toxic with powerful forces: worry, anxiety, loneliness. Bruised spots I touch despite the ache. Why do I do it? I don't have forever. I don't have time to waste. Instead of saddening me this thought feels freeing.

FIL is a ball of doom and gloom. The dishes are never washed right. The food, too spicy. The car might skid off the road. The roof might cave in tonight. His dark cloud constantly threatens to coat everyone around him. Jack always tells me he feels bad for his dad. It must be awful to feel miserable while you hug your child, take a hot shower, eat a delicious cake. It's a special hell to never fully live in the now, to be surrounded by so much but not have the ability to see it.

My father spent six weeks overseas in a third world country. His mother's home had no heat, internet, intermittent electricity, dirt roads. At first he felt discomfited by the sudden brakes to the urgent e-mails, lists of things to do, bills with underlined deadlines. He said in some ways now he misses the easy pace where while one noticed time passing, one didnt live dictated by it, unable to enjoy a moment while you worried or planned the next. Living in the moment, was the rule, not the exception.

Sometimes I can get caught up in the fast paced life I feel I should live. The frequent wondering about tomorrow or next week often blind me to the now and the moments happening right under my nose. Today I got a glimpse of what it must be like to live fully in the now, push away the thoughts of tomorrow and simply enjoy the then and there. I'm amazed. There must be people who live all their lives like this. Tasting this flavor, I want more. The key will be learning not to forget.

Bone Tired

I'm tired. It doesn't seem normal to be this tired. I feel like I'm walking around in a fog. My blood sugar hasn't been as low as it was when I first started checking my numbers though most days I stay in the 70's and 80's, after lunch yesterday I spiked to 140 (max 120). I thought high blood sugar would have me feeling a bit wired but I felt even more sluggish then. Luckily it was a one-time occurrence but this exhaustion is getting old. I have a 32 week checkup in a week, hopefully the doc can tell me what's up. I'm still trying to get my insurance taken care of and its annoying. I had my brother spend his Friday getting me a certified copy of my marriage license as required, and got it in the mail today only to be told they don't want a certified copy, they want the original. I can't find the original so what are you going to do? Deny a high risk preggo access to health care? Hopefully I'm worrying for nothing.

Nesting is sort of in full gear. We hired a guy to replace our popcorn ceilings with smooth and do some other needed work around the house. He's not a professional but he's affordable and when he worked for us in the past he did a good job, but this time its shoddy. He created such a mess in two rooms that I'm going to have to throw away some of the things and the ceilings are streaky. Tomorrow I have the joy of telling him to redo them. It sucks. I hate telling people what to do and I know he's working his butt off and that he's financially broke so it feels mean but I have to, I mean we're paying him to do a job. Right? Sigh.

And the Oscars, they underwhelmed.

Hmm- I am quite boring when dead tired. Ah well.

Other Uses For Baby Aspirin

Every state but one saw snow in the past 48 hours. Living in the south when we see flurries we get giddy with dreams of snowmen but to no avail. Except today. Wow did it snow, the nice sticky kind. Now I can attribute two rare occurences to February: my first pregnancy and snow you can sink your shoes into. The rather rare occurrence of snow helps explain the ahem, unorthodox manner in which we gave our little snowbaby eyes. . . aspirin: fever reducer, blood thinner, and a good way to give a snowman eyes! (Doesn't he look so thug?) Hope you enjoyed the snow wherever you are (except Hawaii, sorry, you had no snow, but you live in Hawaii, so there's that).

How to make K feel like a loser

X: Hi! We're with American Express ready to offer you account protection that will protect. . .
Me: No, its okay I don't need it. . .
X: Oh yes you do! What kind of job do you have right now?
Me: I'm not working.
X: Oh, in school?
Me: No
X: Oh, um, do you plan to go back to work anytime soon?
Me: No
X: So you're just. . . home.
Me: Yep
X: Oh- you're right you don't need it.

Wow- the credit card lady whose sole job it is to sell me unnecessary stuff gave up on me. I stared at my soapy washcloth and felt a little. . . lame. My novel is currently being shopped around by my agent, I hope it strikes an editor's fancy soon.

Random aside, Katery had her baby Louise! She is the one person I followed from the start when she pretty thought it would never happen to the positive pee stick to the agonizing first trimester and now here, to a beautiful little girl!