My mother cried when Sunflower poked her hand from within.
We brought home his crib, I helped Jack assemble it.
At the park a breeze followed us like a trace of heaven.
Jack lay his head on my stomach at night to listen to his heartbeat while I ran my fingers through his hair which today I saw had more strands of gray than it once did.
Each of these moments were perfect. Each moment felt achingly beautiful as I realized how brief each moment is. I may or may not have other similar moments, but I will never have this moment right now ever again.
I don't often think about dying. I focus on living. There's an illusion that I have forever. But today the illusion shifted. One day the people I love will be gone. One day I will be gone. My mind can grow toxic with powerful forces: worry, anxiety, loneliness. Bruised spots I touch despite the ache. Why do I do it? I don't have forever. I don't have time to waste. Instead of saddening me this thought feels freeing.
FIL is a ball of doom and gloom. The dishes are never washed right. The food, too spicy. The car might skid off the road. The roof might cave in tonight. His dark cloud constantly threatens to coat everyone around him. Jack always tells me he feels bad for his dad. It must be awful to feel miserable while you hug your child, take a hot shower, eat a delicious cake. It's a special hell to never fully live in the now, to be surrounded by so much but not have the ability to see it.
My father spent six weeks overseas in a third world country. His mother's home had no heat, internet, intermittent electricity, dirt roads. At first he felt discomfited by the sudden brakes to the urgent e-mails, lists of things to do, bills with underlined deadlines. He said in some ways now he misses the easy pace where while one noticed time passing, one didnt live dictated by it, unable to enjoy a moment while you worried or planned the next. Living in the moment, was the rule, not the exception.
Sometimes I can get caught up in the fast paced life I feel I should live. The frequent wondering about tomorrow or next week often blind me to the now and the moments happening right under my nose. Today I got a glimpse of what it must be like to live fully in the now, push away the thoughts of tomorrow and simply enjoy the then and there. I'm amazed. There must be people who live all their lives like this. Tasting this flavor, I want more. The key will be learning not to forget.