Thursday, March 11, 2010

The tourist buying real estate

We found a crib we love, a $500 Berg crib on clearance for $200. The only issue is the mattress hanger is designed different than other cribs. We would never have noticed this had the crib been displayed like a store model but we noticed and now we wonder. Research has yielded no insight on this particular hanger and considering I have nightly dreams about this crib floating around in the air, I think if its still there Saturday we're going to buy it.

Buying a crib is huge but its not a financial investment as much as it is an emotional one. The first thing Jack said when we saw the crib was, are you sure you don't want to wait until he's here to buy one? Just to, you know, be sure? I'm almost 8 months pregnant and though we've scrubbed most of the fear away, a tinge remains like filmy residue.

I checked my preggo ticker today. I'm 57 days away from my due date. 57 is close to 50 which is near 40 which is near 30 which is. . . . and then suddenly it hits me: I'm going to be a mother. Despite the round belly, the injections, the ultrasounds, it hasn't sunk in. I know this from the way I clutch my baby bargains book and walk around baby stores like a tourist in Istanbul. It's like we're pretending, wouldn't it be fun to live here? but ofcourse tourists don't actually buy the local real estate. They look and dream. Except the days are coming closer. The odds increasingly in my favor. My life is going to change.

I've been on this journey for so long trying to make sure the wheels don't fall off, that the windshield wipers function, and the AC keeps cooling that I forgot to notice the green signs on the highway telling me you're almost there. Holy Shit. How amazing. How beautiful. How terrifying.

I suddenly feel unprepared. Not in physical items (though yeah- that too) but more so just processing how huge this is. I've dreamed of, waited for, and wanted him for so long.
I'm in amazement at the innocence of these little feet poking my insides and the hiccups that gently rock my stomach, the heart that now sounds more human than theoretical. Like all babies resting in their mother's wombs, he is pure and whole and good. I hope I will be worthy of this beautiful child. I hope I don't fuck up.


  1. my advice would be to start buying the things you need now. like you i was scared to buy anything, we ordered our furniture earlier on but that's because my parents bought it for us as a gift and they kept bugging me about it, if we had been paying for it ourselvees i don't know when we would have gotten it, probably at the very last minute. anyway, my point is that i really wish i would have started preparing sooner since i ended up with the kidney stones and then couldn't do anything. you never know what's going to happen, i hope the rest of your pregnancy is boringly uneventful and nothing goes wrong and it probably won't, but if that baby were to come now would you be ready? i think you should let yourself buy the crib and whatever else you need, it will feel scary at first, but then it will start to feel good, you'll enjoy getting sunflower's room ready, washing and folding his clothes, picking out a stroller, all of that stuff, you can do it, you are not going to lose this baby.

  2. Oh K, you are so so SO worthy. You are going to be an excellent mother. But that doesn't mean you won't fuck up every now and then. Just don't get so caught up in worry and guilt when it happens that you lose the beauty of learning and growing with your son. You have so much to teach each other!

  3. I personally don't avoid all nuts, just peanuts. From what I understand, peanuts are the biggies... you rarely hear about people having a severe walnut allergy. But I suppose it could be a risk!

    And no, for some reason I don't have to check my keytones. I've heard of some people having to do that, I'm not sure if it's just a difference between doctors, or if they have a reason??

  4. You are ready. You are going to meet your beautiful little sunflower boy. I'd say get the crib and the essentials that make you happy. You are wonderful and smart and loving and insightful. He is going to have a great mom.

  5. I have been a mother for 13+ years now to a wonderful son that I couldn't live without. I have some regrets and I have some proud and confident moments. There is no such thing as a perfect mother or perfect father. We just have to remember to do the best we can and also that kids are forgiving. You will be great ;)

    I don't think it is too early for you to prepare for Sunflower. I know it is a surreal feeling for you right now...but believe me it will be here bfore you know it. So go buy that crib ;) and have fun shopping. Treasure every moment.

    I don't test my ketones. My doctor said it wasn't necessary unless I was losing weight.

    Oh and I don't avoid nuts or peanuts. I haven't been told to, so I go on eating them. Maybe I should read up on this?

  6. Beautiful post. And yeah - I think you're going to be one fantastic mother. And enjoy your shopping trips - you deserve them, and you deserve to feel like a local. Thinking of you.

  7. I don't think you give your self enough credit. Because of the journey you have been on, you realize how much of a responsibility AND blessing that this new part of your life will bring. Unlike those women who get knocked up without planning, and see their child as an inconvenience (like my sister in law). Mr. Sunflower will have just about the best two parents around.

  8. Go buy that crib! My crib ended up with a different matress suspension thing than others I had seen. But it means I won't have to disassemble it to change the mattress height in the future, unlike the spare crib my mother bought that was more standard. I know from putting it together that that thing is solid, and the nuts and bolts aren't going to come apart and collapse under my kid in the middle of the night. Maybe you can phone and put it on hold and pick it up on Sat? $200 sounds like a crazy good deal to me.
    You're going to be fantastic parents, both of you. I'm sure we'll all screw things up here and there, but our parents all did too, and I think we turned out pretty well. Guess we'll just do our best, and love them lots, and hope things turn out ok.
    With 57 days to go, I think you can start feeling a litle more confident now (though even this morning I was poking and poking to wake her up and get a little movement going, cause I had this sudden panic that maybe I'd killed her by spending too much time on my back last night. I'm sure after she's born I'll have plenty of nights where I'm up multiple times checking to be sure she's still breathing.
    The worry will never end!

  9. i know what you mean about the crib-buying-mother-becoming disbelief. but i hope you and jack will find a way to celebrate your crib buying and assembling!

  10. Considering my recent semi-meltdown's relating to my teenager and everything else, it may be my advice is not so good. That said, a lot of what people said in response to my depressing post was right on the money.

    No one is a perfect parent. Some people are abysmal parents and some are very near perfect, but most are in between. Knowing what is right isn't always easy but from what I know of you through your blog, you are never going to lose focus. Parenting and your son will always be your first priority and that puts you WAY ahead of the pack.

    Another thing I tell myself often (and naturally I may be very wrong on this) is that all children wish their parents had done something a little differently. Too strict, too lenient, too bossy, too fussy, too involved, not involved enough, wouldn't let me have a get my drift. And sometimes you have to do things as a parent that make them not like you. They won't always understand your decisions. But as long as YOU know you had their best interests at heart, you'll be ok. You can't be a perfect parent so don't aim for it. Take the pressure off yourself and aim for being a great parent who gets it right most of the time. :)

  11. First of all, of course you are worthy. And I think all parents fuck up in some way. Its inevitable.
    I love the tourist metaphor. I felt the same way. So many things felt so surreal. I also felt as if setting up the crib, or having a baby shower would somehow jinx it. Normal fears I think. You should just do whatever feels right.

  12. Oh sweetie, I have tears in my eyes as I read this. You are going to be a wonderful mother - seriously. You don't go thru all that you've been thru to have a child and not cherish that baby every single day. He will be so loved and that's all that matters. You know crappy mothers don't worry about whether they're gonna fuck up or not. You won't, he is gonna love you to bits.

  13. I'm excited this dream is becoming a reality! I can't wait to see pics of the gorgeous new crib!

  14. I absolutely love this post. You've really summed it all up perfectly. My husband didn't want to buy the crib until after either. And I still walk into the room with the crib and the clothes and think...maybe I've jumped the gun.

    Buy the crib. You can do this.

  15. Oh it is terrifying isnt it?
    I laughed at the first part because it struck a chord with me (the crib having a different hanger than others) because we bought a vanity that we didnt realise wouldnt fit a standard sink for our bathroom and it has caused so many headaches and sleepless nights! See I have renovation on the brain!

    Deep breaths honey...that real estate is are not a tourist you live here now. Welcome to motherhood. Its terrifying ;)


  16. You are absolutely worthy and you will not fuck this up. I promise! ((hugs))