We found a crib we love, a $500 Berg crib on clearance for $200. The only issue is the mattress hanger is designed different than other cribs. We would never have noticed this had the crib been displayed like a store model but we noticed and now we wonder. Research has yielded no insight on this particular hanger and considering I have nightly dreams about this crib floating around in the air, I think if its still there Saturday we're going to buy it.
Buying a crib is huge but its not a financial investment as much as it is an emotional one. The first thing Jack said when we saw the crib was, are you sure you don't want to wait until he's here to buy one? Just to, you know, be sure? I'm almost 8 months pregnant and though we've scrubbed most of the fear away, a tinge remains like filmy residue.
I checked my preggo ticker today. I'm 57 days away from my due date. 57 is close to 50 which is near 40 which is near 30 which is. . . . and then suddenly it hits me: I'm going to be a mother. Despite the round belly, the injections, the ultrasounds, it hasn't sunk in. I know this from the way I clutch my baby bargains book and walk around baby stores like a tourist in Istanbul. It's like we're pretending, wouldn't it be fun to live here? but ofcourse tourists don't actually buy the local real estate. They look and dream. Except the days are coming closer. The odds increasingly in my favor. My life is going to change.
I've been on this journey for so long trying to make sure the wheels don't fall off, that the windshield wipers function, and the AC keeps cooling that I forgot to notice the green signs on the highway telling me you're almost there. Holy Shit. How amazing. How beautiful. How terrifying.
I suddenly feel unprepared. Not in physical items (though yeah- that too) but more so just processing how huge this is. I've dreamed of, waited for, and wanted him for so long.
I'm in amazement at the innocence of these little feet poking my insides and the hiccups that gently rock my stomach, the heart that now sounds more human than theoretical. Like all babies resting in their mother's wombs, he is pure and whole and good. I hope I will be worthy of this beautiful child. I hope I don't fuck up.