Thursday, April 8, 2010

Baby Showers revisited

It appears I wrote about my baby shower issues on my old blog. To recap, with my first pregnancy I was so excited about the whole process that when my friend insisted on throwing me a shower upon hearing about the two lines on the pregnancy test I had even made out a whole list and browsed two registries! My SIL upon hearing about it snidely pointed out that baby showers are a bad idea because you never know what can go wrong and such a gathering is counting chickens before hatching. I rolled my eyes at her and then miscarried the next day.

Two miscarriages under my belt later, when I began telling people the news, two friends offered to throw me one. I said no its okay, I don't need one. Why? I had several reasons (1) My SIL's words were stuck in my head and I was still scared at 20 weeks when the shower was offered (2) I had such a long aversion to showers due to IF and loss I felt weird having one (3) I'm kind of a shy person and it feels weird to say yes throw me a shower dammit and being the center of attention and asking for gifts. (4) Jack was not enthusiastic about me having one because he was struggling with the same fears. (5) I was planning to have a cultural rite of passage for the baby upon his birth where you throw a party and feed the poor to celebrate the baby's arrival.

So I said no. One never asked again. The other- did- and I hesitatingly said yes around week 28 because I was slowly believing in the pregnancy and Jack too thought I should have one. This friend was super excited and told me to send her a list of the guests and then had marital problems and moved out of town. She just got back into town last Friday and it appears her marriage is here to stay.

I get that it was my choice to say no to the baby shower offers. But the looks of pity that I'm not having one are starting to get to me. I miss the close friends I have that live far away that wouldn't have cared if I had said yes or no to their offer simply because they knew me and knew that sooner or later I'd regret not having one (as they pointed out numerous times, as did, ahem, many of you). I'm starting to regret it. I have most of what he needs- so its beyond a gift grab thing- it just feels I've somehow missed out an important acknowledgment.

I am having a post-baby celebration. At least that's the plan. Who knows how I'll feel once baby actually arrives and I'm working on no sleep? So this should be enough right? I'm possibly having lunch with the two girls who'd offered me a shower months earlier and part of me is tempted to backtrack and say I feel more comfortable now and if maybe in two weeks. . . but then, two weeks is not a long time to get a baby shower ready, I said no earlier, and its kind of too late, they'll be annoyed, the end of April I'll be 38 weeks pregnant, possibly already with baby in tow, so its too late.



  1. I'm sort of in the same boat with the baby-shower issue, so I have no words of wisdom. I doubt I'll have one, simply because most of my friends don't live anywhere near me anymore, and I'd feel weird inviting co-workers and inlaws to one.

    However, I totally want to hear more about your "cultural rite of passage" to welcome baby & feed the poor. Giving thanks in such a meaningful way sounds better than any stupid shower where grown women play games (that would bore an eight-year-old!) and if you feel comfortable, I would truly enjoy hearing more about your plans for this.

  2. it's totally NOT too late, k. you could even call it a pre-baby celebration to go along with your post-baby celebration (like little celebratory book ends!)...everyone loves getting excited about a baby and there's no reason for you to deprive yourself of this if it's something you'd enjoy...and you're already regretting your decision, so i'd say you're just in time to change you mind--not too late!
    don't we have enough "regrets" with infertility and loss? i say, lighten your load a little by simply asking your friends...that way whatever the result, you'll not have to wonder "what if?"

  3. It's never too late. In my family (or rather in G's) it's very common to have a shower before the baby and a welcome party when the baby is between 1 and six weeks old. The shower is thrown by friends/family and the welcome party is thrown by the parents. But there have been times when the baby has come ahead of schedule and both parties were had after the baby was born.

    Tell your friends you've re-thought and would like one after all.

  4. I'd just go for a great post-baby party at this point.
    I feel like a bit of a loser because no one even offered to throw me a shower. Not even my own mother, who threw a shower for a friend's daughter a few year's ago. Oh well.

  5. Sorry K!! I think someone should have def. thrown you a baby shower. They just seem a part of the celebration of the baby coming into the world. I mean even if it was a small one with a few close friends. I would def. throw you one if I lived near you!! Even if you *did* say no ;).

    Hmm, how does one throw a bloggie baby shower?

    How bout an after baby is born shower? Is anyone close enough to you to throw you one even if it is at your house? I have heard of these being the most special and neat kind ;). Don't hesitate to speak up!!

    I really hope someone does something special for you. You sooooooooooooooooooooooo deserve it.

  6. It's never too late if it's what you want! If they re-offer at lunch, definitely take them up on it! I'm like you I think, I'd feel awkward asking them, but if they should offer, jump on the opportunity! :-D

  7. Well, there are actually many cultures that wait until after the baby is born to have a shower, so that wouldn't be so awful. Still, if you really want one now...have you considered throwing one yourself? I know it might feel a little weird, and it certainly isn't traditional, but it's becoming more popular.

    I, for one, can't stand baby showers. I hated the one I had with SS. When other people throw them, it is about them not you. There are all these rules and the games and...just not my thing. However, PB and I would really want to have something, much closer to the due date, that was meant to celebrate the baby. So why not throw your own party? Invite all and make sure it's seen as a celebration of the baby coming, not so much a shower. People will bring gifts anyhow, though it sounds like that's not your goal (nor would it be mine). But this way you get to celebrate like you want and you don't have to ask someone else to do it for you.

    Just a thought. :)

  8. i totally know how you feel, most of my close friends live out west and i'm here in michigan. my step-mom threw me a shower though and she managed to get about 20-25 people to show up, it was very nice but also a little strange since there were a few people there who i didn't know (my step-mom's co-workers). my shower was eight days before i had louise!! it's not too late for you to have one, some people even have them after the baby is born. i hope you do it because i think it's important for us if'ers to experience some of the normal pregnancy stuff that non-if'ers get to enjoy.