Despite the eagerness, the apprehension, the fear, there is this a sacred feeling in the air these days. The full moon casting a glow over the house tonight adds to that feeling. I am waiting to meet a pure being. Someone who has yet to hurt anyone or be hurt. Someone who has yet to think an impure thought, or feel arrogant, entitled, in any way. Someone unconcerned with whether they are more beautiful, or smart than the next person. The very definition of purity. And this child will be entrusted in my care. They will release him to me after making sure (God Willing) he is healthy and send us on our merry way. After all the needles, ultrasounds, speculum exams, and fundal measurements they will simply hand him over to me and leave it to me to guide him through this world. When I really think about it, it brings tears to my eyes.
In the meantime I wait. I feel twinges and pulls. Kicks and wiggly butts. It is an uneasy feeling to know that soon I will experience one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don't know when. I don't know how how. It might be manageable, it might make me kneel over and want to die. One simply can't be sure. I'm allowing myself the right to be a bit frightened. I'm allowing myself the right to be a bit on edge these next few days.
At 3:15pm we see if my amniotic fluid levels are good. They were borderline normal Monday, if they fall below the approved levels I meet Sunflower tomorrow. Otherwise possibly Monday. Maybe sometime in between.
In the meantime I'm washing the nursery walls. I'm walking. I'm reading books. Replying to texts, e-mails, and phone calls from friends and family waiting with me, wondering with me when this little guy arrives. He has no idea how many people are waiting. He has no idea how much love is waiting for him just as soon as he is placed in my arms.