[Note: please don't read on if you're still TTC- lots of baby stuff ahead]
I have to admit as we drove to the doctor's office I had a split second fear that I'd dreamed this all up and was in fact, hallucinating. That they would pull me into the examination room and raise their eyebrows with a straight jacket in the distance asking so why did you think you were pregnant? Did you bring your 'pregnancy test'? But as it turns out their test matched mine and I am five weeks pregnant.
We discussed the usual suspects like avoiding sushi, cigarettes, and deli meat. She also told me my allergies were pregnancy symptoms since I never get allergies [and this is what happens when you're not googling at all times for symptoms!] and that my bloating was perhaps slightly early showing and that by week 12 I might be blatantly pregnant to the world. Well, then!
And then we delved into the deeper question: Lovenox. She told me it was entirely up to me as one doctor had told me I didn't need it, one told me I needed it until twelve weeks, and one had said I could do it throughout if it meant we were better safe than sorry. She didn't feel I needed it but she didn't want me to deal with anxiety being off of it and so its entirely my call at this point.
I don't know. On one hand I'm not sure that lovenox had any bearing on the success of this pregnancy. On the other hand I'm not sure it didn't. At the moment we agreed I'll take it for the first trimester just because that's when my losses occurred and so we'll be safer that way from an emotional standpoint and perhaps also a physical health standpoint. But beyond twelve weeks, I just don't know. Anyone reading have any insight? Would love some perspective.
She noted my weight loss, and then, she noted how less panicky and frantic I was now, she noted my happiness. You are so happy, you exude a sense of fulfillment I didn't see in you before. I want to believe joy comes from within and a sense of happiness can't be from external forces, but for too many years I did forget what it was like to be happy. For so many years I didn't know much beyond panic, worry and tears. So much so that I truly believed this is just who I was. But now, I know I'm more than my paranoias and my doubts and worst-case-scenarios. I'm happy. So thankful to my son for giving me this gift. Because as much as joy is found from within, its my son who gave me this inner peace after years without.
Fully aware that things can go off-kilter as we're still quite early in the game. But I'm hopeful. And I'm happy. So different from so long ago.