Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Letting go of control

I've jokingly likened the wait for Sunflower to watching a kettle and waiting for it to boil. But I realized today I'm not waiting for it to boil, I'm willing it to boil as if by the sheer force of staring at the metaphorical kettle I will produce within it the bubbles I desire. I'm reading Momma Zen, a book given by a lovely friend, which, if you are pregnant or a new mama, you must read. She talks a lot about living in the moment, letting go of the illusion of control and being in the moment that is before us and she says it in a way that makes you stop in your tracks and listen.

Logically, I accept I can't control everything. I couldn't get nor keep pregnancies at will. I can't will a publisher to put an offer on the book my agent is shopping. We fight the carpenter bees in our awning daily but we can't control their hardiness. I know this and yet I still try to control things I can't. It's why I find myself up at 2am filled with anxiety as I wonder when will this happen? Why not now? And yet, these thoughts won't affect labor. I can do my best, walking and otherwise, but ultimately I don't hold the key to the outcome.

I'm trying to let go of the attempts to control and instead enjoy the time I have left. I can't wait to hold him in my arms but I will miss these karate kicks in my womb. I can't wait to hear him cry hearty sobs from healthy lungs but I'm sure a part of me will miss this silence in the middle of the night.

I guess I've been trying so hard to figure out what the next step is I forgot I can't. And the book helped me realize, that when it comes to control and my plans, they will all flip upside down once the baby comes. I plan to breastfeed but maybe I'll be unable to. I shudder at the thought of a C-section but that may be the only option. I have my Wii Fit ready to go to drop the baby weight but maybe it will go slower than I think. We imagine a happy cooing baby but we might have a colicky little bundle. If I thought I had little control now, that control is likely slipping away further once he arrives.

I'm telling myself: If I go all remaining ten days still pregnant- that's okay. I will re-read my favorite books. Call a friend and indulge in a one hour chat. Sleep in and watch the morning filter in through the windows letting the silence feel sacred. Go out with Jack Saturday night, hold his hand on an evening stroll and appreciate this brief interlude before we are coated in spit up and leaky diapers. I'm reminding myself I can't control the outcome but I can control what I do with the time I have.

12 comments:

  1. Look at you, all zen and everything! ;-))
    I think this is a very positive attitude. Indeed, there are a lot of things we so much fuss about and can't ever control that we lose sight of what we have right now.
    The amniotic fluid leakage is a bit scary. I hope all is fine.

    ReplyDelete
  2. If the fluid is still decreasing on Fri, just get induced. Maybe you'll go on your own before then anyhow. Excitig times! For sure enjoy the quiet while you can.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Beautiful post- and so very true. You make me WANT to be all contented, even though I am still nothing but a big bundle of nerves and terror & readiness to move on to the next step.

    ReplyDelete
  4. YEP, Yep, and yep. I'm going to get a massage today. I may not have the chance to just 'relax' for a long while. And while I'm truly bored out of my mind not working, I'm trying to follow all that 'enjoy it while you can' advice. Because truly. The silence will all be gone very very soon.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I need that book right about now!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. What a beautiful post! and such a great reminder of the little control we have to MAKE THINGS HAPPEN, but we do have control over where our attention goes-- good for you for taking time being!
    this will happen, that I know.

    xx
    Kate

    ReplyDelete
  7. Love that post - something to remember no matter where you are in life. We're so focused on tomorrow that we forget to live in today.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Loved your post!!!! I also had a miscarriage, and my next pregnancy was really stressful! I wish I could have enjoyed it, before I had my beatiful baby boy!! your post makes me want to be pregnant again, and this time to actually ENJOY it!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm sorry I haven't commented on the last few posts...I am reading everyday though! Every time I log on I'm hoping for the big news, though you probably won't be able to post for a while after your little guy is born - I guess if there's a long break after a post, we'll know!

    I hope you're able to get through the rest of your pregnancy with calmness (Ha!) and be a Momma Zen! You're wonderful, and your wonderful little baby is almost here! I'm so happy for you :-D

    ReplyDelete
  10. This was inspirational for me. I think I need to read that book. I am beside myself with excitement for you!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Wow! You definitely sound prepared. It's so hard to know what to expect when you don't reallly know what to expect! I wish you all the luck in your journey into motherhood...AND on your book! That is awesome by the way! Happy ICLW! I think I need to read that book!!
    By the way, I would LOVE to feature your success story on my blog!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I think this sounds like a great plan. You will not regret taking this tome to indulge! :)

    ReplyDelete