Monday, February 15, 2010

My grandmother, the hot potato

Tonight my father is an ocean away in the home he left behind 40 years ago to create a better life for himself and his family. He is there to care for his mother who is in her 90's, bedridden and completely alone. Her daughter lives fives miles down the road. Her son lives forty minutes away in a neighboring city. And my dad is there to care for her because no one else is willing. He can't stay beyond February and we're not sure what will happen to her then. The country he is from, from what my mother tells me, does not have nursing homes. Even if there is some obscure nursing home somewhere, to utter the word would cause one to shiver because that's considered abandoning your parents, the ultimate disgrace. I guess leaving them stranded in a bed in a small village with two servants who leave at night, is okay.

I'm surprised I have any sympathy for my grandmother. She is an unpleasant, bitter woman. She lived with my family on and off for three years and tried bringing my parents to the brink of divorce several times. I still remember her smiling sweetly to me at eight years old and telling me how much she loved me, and then as soon as my father left the room her expression changed I don't care about you one way or the other, get out of my room. It takes work to be that mean.

My grandmother has become a hot potato. I can only wonder how that must feel to know that none of your children care enough in your final days to help you. In some ways, its what you get for spending your life dividing your family and stirring anger and resentment. I'm just a little frustrated because my father, as the eldest, is left to figure out what to do. He's in his late 60's, and he's been under the weather. He's in a cement home with no heating, erratic running water by himself and his mother doing what he can for the few weeks he is there. My aunt, five miles down the road has a home with central heat and flushing toilets and four spare rooms. My uncle too has a home that would be middle class in the US and lives in a city where she could get the proper care she needs. No cigar. I'm proud of my father for doing the right thing but I'm angry at her for having been such a lousy mother that most of her children have become what they are. I'm angry with her that the life she lived has resulted in this final treatment. I wish she had been a nicer person.

But I also feel sorry for her. Because I'm going to be a mother soon. And I think about my son living miles from me, knowing I'm bedridden and dying, and feeling indifferent. Don't get me wrong, she was a horrible mother and I know I will be nothing like her. But- she is a mother, and she is dying and five of her six children simply can't be bothered, and despite her wretchedness, its a very sad way to end your final days. My mother says God can punish us in this life or the next and perhaps he has begun to exact for her misdeeds now. Maybe- I just look at my dysfunctional relatives and think of the family I'm hoping to create and just hope that I can do better. I hope my children will never have to know relatives as disappointing as mine.

10 comments:

  1. When you do become a mother, it will be even harder to imagine how she could treat her own children that way. Fortunately, your son will know nothing like that.

    I'm sorry your dad is the only one to put hurt aside to help her.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This one of those things I wish so many of us didn't have in common. Trust me, I feel you. And unfortunately, I believe I understand your father's position all too well. When my mother goes, I will take care of her because it's what I'm supposed to do, not because I want to, not because I love her, but because no one else will and it will need to be done. Having bad parents is a horrible hand to be dealt.

    Lucky for you, it sounds as though your father was not the kind of parent your grandmother likely was. And because you've seen the good in your father and the bad in your grandmother, and just because of who you are, you will be a wonderful parent. And you won't have to worry about your son abandoning you in your final moments, or him helping only out of a sense of duty. He'll be there because he loves you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. that is sad, my grandmother was a fairly unpleasant woman as well, but lucky for her her children didn't abandon her, actually it was my mother who really took care of her at the end, she died of cirrhosis of the liver. i'm sorry to hear your father has to travel to another country to care for her, i hope he is able to get back home soon.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow, what an important lesson. The story of your grandmother is the opposite of mine. She passed with her two daughters at her side and visits from her grandchildren. It's hard to imagine having 6 children and only one responding to your need.

    The problem is that it's your father who is being punished for his mother's bad behavior.

    ReplyDelete
  5. How sad...I hope that your father will be able to do what he needs to do and that he makes it back safely. Some of my family members are similar to your grandmother - I too hope my children do not have to know such ugliness.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh how sad. I'm sorry your dad has to deal with this. I'm sorry your grandmother was the way she was. I admit I'm pretty quick to walk away from people who I think treat me poorly. But I hope that I still have my limits.

    ReplyDelete
  7. That's really sad. I've become more sympathetic the older I've gotten too. I think it's the age-old golden rule thing - no matter how awful they are, their situation can't help but remind us that we too will grow old and need help. So those of us with a conscience tend to internalize and can't stand by and do nothing. Others of us, however...I can't believe how her other kids are treating her. I think there's a lot to be said for knowing how you don't want your life to be. Your sunflower's life will be better off for the effort your father is putting in now (and likely has throughout his life) because of the lessons being handed down and the influence of such a great person.

    ReplyDelete
  8. What a story. I'm glad your Dad is a bigger person than his siblings, and that you've obviously recognized how not to parent. Hope he manages to escape as planned on Friday.
    Sunflower will be lucky to have the parents he does and no poisonous great-grandmother in his life.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm so sorry, it's horrible to think about that. We live in a similar situation, where my grandfather has burned just about every bridge he has... I just got off the phone with my Dad, and said, I'm glad we are never going to be like that! I'll microwave your meals for you! He laughed and said he was glad. However, just like you said, you will never be a parent like she was, just like my father was a million times more of a father than his ever was. Good luck, its such a hard situation to have to deal with.

    ReplyDelete
  10. sadness...your compassion for your grandmother who treated you and others so cruelly says so much about the person and mother you are.

    ReplyDelete