Thirty weeks pregnant! Single digits a'comin. So thankful. So grateful. I simply cannot wait. And yet I'm sitting here trying not to bawl my eyes out. This is a frustrated woe is me post so please feel free to skip if you're not in the mood.
My doctor called and refused to give me a three-hour saying I definitely have GD. This frustrated me but I took a deep breath and told myself its okay. Ten more weeks. It's okay.
Then I sat down to dinner. Already full. There is too much damn food in this diet. Trust me, I love food but. . . this is ridiculous. I have to eat almost every two hours and not just a small bit. Here's what I ate today:
Breakfast: whole wheat toast, egg, tea, apple (2 carbs 1 protein)
Snack: one whole grapefruit plus nuts (2 carbs 1 protein)
Lunch: Tilapia Salad plus grapefruit (2 carbs 1 protein- I was supposed to eat three carbs but I was too damn full)
Snack: I was supposed to eat 2 carbs 1 protein but I was TOO FULL so I had some tea with a teaspoon of sugar (1 carb)
Dinner: Chicken salad plus random potatoes I included for carbs sake (3 carbs 1 protein)
I still have my night snack left and despite walking around I am so full I feel sick yet I've been told I must eat 2 carbs plus 1 protein before bed because I risk spiking my insulin overnight. This means an apple, milk, nuts. I'm FULL.
This just doesn't feel right. But still. I told myself to be grateful I'm not starving. It's okay. Sunflower is okay.
Then- it was time to check my after dinner levels- Twenty minutes go by. I pricked every single damn finger, I bled on every single damn finger- but not enough blood. Error says the meter each time. I'm down to two test strips now. Each finger is throbbing and the damn machine still tells me error.
Jack- trying to lighten the moment smiles and says aw honey its okay you'll get it, its no big deal, you can't let this upset you. Yeah that didn't work. I felt like John Locke on LOST who screams out all the time don't tell me what I can't do!! I just started crying my eyes out seriously contemplating a sewing needle or something to get me to f-ing bleed enough! I finally had to sit down and try composing myself- the dietician told me stress will spike my numbers but I was still shaky as I tried it on the highest needle setting and started bleeding profusely, finally it read my number: 80- well below danger zone- again.
I'm frustrated. I feel I'm being punished for wondering why people complain about this diet. Its not the deprivation of sweets, its eating like I'm on a Road Rules challenge on MTV. It's pricking myself until I gush to get a damn reading on that meter.
And then there's the other issue. I found out Jack has a required ten day trip to San Diego less than two weeks after the due date. I don't want to be home alone. My mom has to go back to work by then, my dad used up all his vacation for the year tending to his mother overseas, and he suggested I could ask my mom to come stay with you while I'm gone, once sunflower is here you guys might bond and it would be nice. What the fuck? I'm sorry- she stresses me out sans bebe and now you want me to be ALONE with her and my crazy FIL for ten days with a baby and my pregnancy hormones? Let me assure you that is not happening. I'd rather be alone or I can ask a cousin or my brother to sacrifice a week and spend it with me. Jack is not a jerk. He's really not. He's an awesome husband and has been great through all this- but I don't get it. He thinks that this me being a mother thing is going to automatically create a bond between MIL and me and that is just as unrealistic as puppies driving cars. Not. Going. To. Happen. AND even if it were to happen- I'm not going to test his hypothesis two weeks after giving birth living alone with them for ten days. Jack is going to try his best to get out of this trip but he's getting heavily pressured, hopefully this will be a moot point and his boss will understand- but right now its sitting like a boulder on my head.
So there you have it. I'm an emotional mess today. I want to be super-happy at reaching this wonderful milestone. And I am happy. I really am. I feel bad at this much frustration. Maybe its hormones. I'm not usually this easily unsettled to the point of tears. I guess I just feel frustrated.
In an attempt to be positive I'll end with three things good things at 30 weeks:
1. Parking in the expectant mama parking at stores gives me an inordinate sense of joy. For so long it hurt and now when I pull in and park my car there I feel like I have truly arrived.
2. Lately when Sunflower kicks he uses all his body parts. I love talking to him while he kicks. I like to imagine we're having a conversation and his little pokes are feedback on my thoughts.
3. The staff at my OB office are so happy for me and counting down with me. I love feeling like a person at my doctor's office, not just a billing code.
Phew. That made me feel better. So grateful to be here. Being in my 30's never felt so good. Here's to week 32, may it come sooner than I can ever imagine and may the thing that frustrate me now seem very silly then.
i hope you'll trust your intuition and feed yourself according to your hunger...you obiviously know how to eat well...no need to force yourself at someone else's directive. doctors don't always know more than we do about our own bodies. i'm sorry they wouldn't give you the 3-hour test. i bet you'd have passed it.
ReplyDeletealso, ironically my huz has a business trip just three weeks after our baby's due date. i so know what you mean about the boulder on your head. i nearly had a major anxiet attack when i was trying to figure out what i was going to do...but i wrote an honest email to a very small group of trusted friends and asked for them to consider donating some of their time to us...we were blown away by their love and support...and their generous giving of their time. maybe that's something you'd consider doing?
Hi, gotta delurk here.
ReplyDeleteI am Mina and have been reading your blog for quite a while.
Why would the doc refuse the 3h test is beyond me. It's just another way to make sure. It's not harming you or the baby or the practice, so why, oh, why would he refuse? I would agree with huntformyfertility above and perhaps it is wiser to eat according to your needs. Not starving, not binging on icecream, but not stuffing yourself when you can't eat either.
As for MIL bonding - I have heard of such cases when MILs suddenly turn human after they become grandmothers, but I think it is as often as the woman who tried for years to get pregnant and finally got it when she was trying for adoption. I know for sure that this will not happen in my case anyway. Try talking to friends, it would be better by far than MIL. I am sure you will find a solution for this.
Stay well. Oh, and 'try to relax'. (wink, wink) (Too good an opportunity to miss it, really...)
yay, yay, yay for 30 weeks!!!! I can only imagine how frustrating the GD diet must be - I am really sorry - and sorrier still that you have to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has a 4 day trip scheduled in mid-March - he found a substitute person - and hopefully will not have to go because it is stressing me out too!
Hello!! Thanks for commenting and congrats on 30 weeks too!! What an awesome milestone. I finally feel like I am getting somewhere.
ReplyDeleteAbout the GD, if your numbers are really low, try eating how you normally would and see what they do? My sugars have not been that low ever since I was diagnosed. I think my lowest was in the low 80s. So, you could be right. Maybe you aren't GD and wouldn't that be nice? I think if I was you, I would test my limits ;) lol.
Just ask me anything you want if you have any questions and I will be happy to answer them, if I can that is, lol.
Oh that sounds like a crapload of stuff to hit on the same day. I've heard that before, btw, that the GD diet is way too much food for normal people. Which doesn't make it any easier, I'm sure. Blech. And your post-delivery situation sounds crappy. Having a person you're not close with hanging around all day every day? No thanks. Thinking of you and rejoicing at the 30 week milestone!
ReplyDeleteEw, what a bunch of YUCK! I'm sorry honey. Although I can't relate to being too full because I feel like I have been starving every minute of every day for the past 3 weeks! Still :) I get that it sucks.
ReplyDeleteAs for the MIL bit. . .um, yeah. I would go effing balistic over that suggestion. Not happening here either :)
awwwwww honey, i'm sorry. you'll get through it, just another hurdle in the seemingly endless journey to motherhood, i know how you feel. you are in the home stretch mama, hang in there, i know you know that it's TOTALLY worth it in the end.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on making it to 30 weeks!
ReplyDeleteAs for the doc not letting you take the 3 hour test, it just doesn't really make sense? I thought that was pretty standard. It seems illogical to put you on a diet there's no clear basis for.
I was recently diagnosed with Type II Diabetes and am having to check my sugar as well. I tried the needle pricks to my fingers for a while, but that just wasn't cutting it! My fingers hurt so badly and I could never get enough blood. I asked a friend who is also diabetic but pricks her palm instead what I needed to do this. She told me to get a clear cap for my lancet tool. Then, you can prick the fleshy part of your palm instead. It is much less painful, so you might want to try that!
And about MIL - after the history you have with her and FIL, I can understand your not wanting to be around them at that time! I second the asking a cousin or your brother to come stay with you.
Good luck!
I'm so sorry about the GD and the pricking, what an awful situation. It sounds like you are making some awesome food choices tho - that all sounded really good. I am in awe of your 30 weeks. I can't WAIT to be there. That's the time I keep saying I will actually start feeling like I'm going to have an actual baby. 30 weeks. I'll be excited for real at 30 weeks.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely hold strong about the MIL business. What a nightmare that would be. Don't do it. If you don't want her around now, you definitely won't want her around when you have your baby and are in the throes of the initial bonding and protectiveness. My DH travels a lot and I have started to look at it as an exciting thing - I look at all the things I get to do that he doesn't usually want to do - even if it's just watching certain shows or having girlfriends over. And it won't be too lonely...'cause you'll have your BABY!!! 10 days is long though and it sucks that he'll miss those inital days. That has to be rough.
Wow, that sure is a lot of food - don't think I could do it. Congras on 30 weeks, and hope you'll get the diet somehow adjusted to work for you.
ReplyDeleteI've been very lucky this time around in terms of MIL. We'll never be BFF's, but she does not have a strong personality, so we're able to work things out. My first MIL, my daughters Nana...she is one of the top 5 reasons that marriage ended in divorce. Never in a million years would that woman and I survive 10 days in a house together. I'd kill her, and we both know it. I hope you're able to find some other arrangement for help during those 10 days. If you don't though, I think you are more capable than you realize. You could handle it on your own. I know you could!
ReplyDelete