Thirty weeks pregnant! Single digits a'comin. So thankful. So grateful. I simply cannot wait. And yet I'm sitting here trying not to bawl my eyes out. This is a frustrated woe is me post so please feel free to skip if you're not in the mood.
My doctor called and refused to give me a three-hour saying I definitely have GD. This frustrated me but I took a deep breath and told myself its okay. Ten more weeks. It's okay.
Then I sat down to dinner. Already full. There is too much damn food in this diet. Trust me, I love food but. . . this is ridiculous. I have to eat almost every two hours and not just a small bit. Here's what I ate today:
Breakfast: whole wheat toast, egg, tea, apple (2 carbs 1 protein)
Snack: one whole grapefruit plus nuts (2 carbs 1 protein)
Lunch: Tilapia Salad plus grapefruit (2 carbs 1 protein- I was supposed to eat three carbs but I was too damn full)
Snack: I was supposed to eat 2 carbs 1 protein but I was TOO FULL so I had some tea with a teaspoon of sugar (1 carb)
Dinner: Chicken salad plus random potatoes I included for carbs sake (3 carbs 1 protein)
I still have my night snack left and despite walking around I am so full I feel sick yet I've been told I must eat 2 carbs plus 1 protein before bed because I risk spiking my insulin overnight. This means an apple, milk, nuts. I'm FULL.
This just doesn't feel right. But still. I told myself to be grateful I'm not starving. It's okay. Sunflower is okay.
Then- it was time to check my after dinner levels- Twenty minutes go by. I pricked every single damn finger, I bled on every single damn finger- but not enough blood. Error says the meter each time. I'm down to two test strips now. Each finger is throbbing and the damn machine still tells me error.
Jack- trying to lighten the moment smiles and says aw honey its okay you'll get it, its no big deal, you can't let this upset you. Yeah that didn't work. I felt like John Locke on LOST who screams out all the time don't tell me what I can't do!! I just started crying my eyes out seriously contemplating a sewing needle or something to get me to f-ing bleed enough! I finally had to sit down and try composing myself- the dietician told me stress will spike my numbers but I was still shaky as I tried it on the highest needle setting and started bleeding profusely, finally it read my number: 80- well below danger zone- again.
I'm frustrated. I feel I'm being punished for wondering why people complain about this diet. Its not the deprivation of sweets, its eating like I'm on a Road Rules challenge on MTV. It's pricking myself until I gush to get a damn reading on that meter.
And then there's the other issue. I found out Jack has a required ten day trip to San Diego less than two weeks after the due date. I don't want to be home alone. My mom has to go back to work by then, my dad used up all his vacation for the year tending to his mother overseas, and he suggested I could ask my mom to come stay with you while I'm gone, once sunflower is here you guys might bond and it would be nice. What the fuck? I'm sorry- she stresses me out sans bebe and now you want me to be ALONE with her and my crazy FIL for ten days with a baby and my pregnancy hormones? Let me assure you that is not happening. I'd rather be alone or I can ask a cousin or my brother to sacrifice a week and spend it with me. Jack is not a jerk. He's really not. He's an awesome husband and has been great through all this- but I don't get it. He thinks that this me being a mother thing is going to automatically create a bond between MIL and me and that is just as unrealistic as puppies driving cars. Not. Going. To. Happen. AND even if it were to happen- I'm not going to test his hypothesis two weeks after giving birth living alone with them for ten days. Jack is going to try his best to get out of this trip but he's getting heavily pressured, hopefully this will be a moot point and his boss will understand- but right now its sitting like a boulder on my head.
So there you have it. I'm an emotional mess today. I want to be super-happy at reaching this wonderful milestone. And I am happy. I really am. I feel bad at this much frustration. Maybe its hormones. I'm not usually this easily unsettled to the point of tears. I guess I just feel frustrated.
In an attempt to be positive I'll end with three things good things at 30 weeks:
1. Parking in the expectant mama parking at stores gives me an inordinate sense of joy. For so long it hurt and now when I pull in and park my car there I feel like I have truly arrived.
2. Lately when Sunflower kicks he uses all his body parts. I love talking to him while he kicks. I like to imagine we're having a conversation and his little pokes are feedback on my thoughts.
3. The staff at my OB office are so happy for me and counting down with me. I love feeling like a person at my doctor's office, not just a billing code.
Phew. That made me feel better. So grateful to be here. Being in my 30's never felt so good. Here's to week 32, may it come sooner than I can ever imagine and may the thing that frustrate me now seem very silly then.