Oh Baby

Apparently I''m not the only one who thinks I swallowed Jupiter. My step-OB today had a gentle talk with me about my ahem, weight gain. I've officially gained 40 pounds, up 3 pounds from two weeks ago. My belly is measuring two weeks ahead and step-OB predicts I'll be having an 8+ lb baby. Keep the tags on your baby clothes, he said. When I laughed, he looked at me sternly, I'm not kidding. Yikes. Am I seriously in danger of birthing a baby so large he won't fit into 0-3 month clothes?! [Speaking of clothes- I found the cutest baby boy clothes at bargain prices at The Children's Place outlet today. If you're having a boy you must check it out $3 plaid shorts that will make you turn to mush!]

I told him my numbers are within range though higher than they once were. He said I need to be stricter on eating low-cal food and cutting out potatoes and toast entirely despite the lack of effect it has on my sugar levels. I love little guy no matter how little or big he is, but the thought of birthing a toddler does terrify me. Here's hoping a diet change can help keep Sunflower growing as he should.

Bye Bye Lovenox and. . . aspirin?

In about a week I say goodbye to Lovenox. The drug that despite taking daily for months on end still hurts like I'm injecting fire through my bloodstream. I'm glad I'm so far along its almost time to stop but I'm not looking forward to switching to heparin which I will take twice daily and must measure myself. In addition to lovenox I take a daily dose of baby aspirin. I've asked each doctor I see when to stop and each doctor defers to the other. When I finally realized the circle of "ask your mom" "ask your dad" they each gave me different end dates (1) stop now and (2) stop at 36 weeks (3) Feel free to take until delivery. I thought I'd ask y'all if you have taken baby aspirin at what point did you stop taking it? And, is Heparin. . . not so bad? Does taking it mean I'll have extra wires when I go into labor, or is it really not that big of a deal?

Thoughts on unconditional love

I woke this morning to a wiggle

Against my womb
I gently pressed down
He poked a foot up in greeting
And that’s all it took
To make my heart swell with love
This love is unlike any love
I’ve ever experienced
His toes make me giddy
When he hiccups
I sit still in awe
Just his presence is the blessing
The love he receives from me
Is completely unearned
But more powerful than any I’ve known
My father once said
No one will love you like your parents
I bristled at this
But now I’m slowly understanding
I love Jack more than my heart can count
But he started off a stranger,
someone my heart
like a puppy had to sniff out before letting in
But my son
The gates part immediately
He need not show ID
To get inside
He is
And because he exists
I’d lay my life down for him a thousand times over.

Moments.

My mother cried when Sunflower poked her hand from within.
We brought home his crib, I helped Jack assemble it.
At the park a breeze followed us like a trace of heaven.

Jack lay his head on my stomach at night to listen to his heartbeat while I ran my fingers through his hair which today I saw had more strands of gray than it once did.

Each of these moments were perfect. Each moment felt achingly beautiful as I realized how brief each moment is. I may or may not have other similar moments, but I will never have this moment right now ever again.

I don't often think about dying. I focus on living. There's an illusion that I have forever. But today the illusion shifted. One day the people I love will be gone. One day I will be gone. My mind can grow toxic with powerful forces: worry, anxiety, loneliness. Bruised spots I touch despite the ache. Why do I do it? I don't have forever. I don't have time to waste. Instead of saddening me this thought feels freeing.

FIL is a ball of doom and gloom. The dishes are never washed right. The food, too spicy. The car might skid off the road. The roof might cave in tonight. His dark cloud constantly threatens to coat everyone around him. Jack always tells me he feels bad for his dad. It must be awful to feel miserable while you hug your child, take a hot shower, eat a delicious cake. It's a special hell to never fully live in the now, to be surrounded by so much but not have the ability to see it.

My father spent six weeks overseas in a third world country. His mother's home had no heat, internet, intermittent electricity, dirt roads. At first he felt discomfited by the sudden brakes to the urgent e-mails, lists of things to do, bills with underlined deadlines. He said in some ways now he misses the easy pace where while one noticed time passing, one didnt live dictated by it, unable to enjoy a moment while you worried or planned the next. Living in the moment, was the rule, not the exception.

Sometimes I can get caught up in the fast paced life I feel I should live. The frequent wondering about tomorrow or next week often blind me to the now and the moments happening right under my nose. Today I got a glimpse of what it must be like to live fully in the now, push away the thoughts of tomorrow and simply enjoy the then and there. I'm amazed. There must be people who live all their lives like this. Tasting this flavor, I want more. The key will be learning not to forget.

34 weeks

34 weeks! 42 days to go. Six weeks to due date. Three weeks to full term. What's been happening?

• I creak. Literally. When I sleep on my side I can feel my pelvic bones and legs making crackly noises. Since last night, I have a hard time walking come evening. My hips and pelvic area literally hurt as I walk. It hurts so much I can't put on pants standing up because bending hurts. It hurts to take the stairs. Has this happened to you?
  
• I'm also winded after a casual stroll. I plan to shed the 40 pounds I've gained during pregnancy but this wimpy behavior is troubling.
• The ute continues to grow, any day now it will need to apply for its own zip code.
• The uterus is also tightening here and there. I began recording them today and throughout the course of the day I had 9 instances of tightening. About once or twice per hour. Is this normal? Does it mean I have a higher chance of going into labor before my due date?
  
• I had a 'Murgdan' moment when she saw the OJ expiration date was her son's due date. I just bought OJ expiring May 14th, a week past the due date. Reminds me how soon its all happening (and how long OJ stays fresh). Next up: Milk expiration watch!
• My family is coming into town for the weekend. I told my mom I'd pick my brother up from the airport and she sounded confused asking are you still allowed to drive? Now I'm confused. Will there come a time in this pregnancy that I won't be able to drive?
  
• My parent's minivan will bring home our crib and glider! So excited to see them (my family, not the furniture) that I'm in full baking frenzy, none of which I can eat but. . .
• Speaking of sugar, my blood sugar is slowly climbing up each day. I haven't been overeating but the same foods I could once eat safely are now taking me dangerously to the edge of 'normal'. I hope I don't need to go on insulin.
• I just got a onesie hand embroidered with Sunflower's name but I got a 0-3 month Gerber onesie. I measured it against other 0-3 month onesies and its ridiculously smaller. If you order Gerber clothes just know they run very small. There's a chance if little dude becomes a GD giganto baby he won't even fit into his going home outfit, but still, its cute.
  
• But I am SO happy with the receiving blanket I ordered from Etsy. It was a splurge for me at $30 but the quality is great and it'll be my special 'when guests come a'knockin' baby blanket [plus the vendor is great to work with]:
• I'm still lotioning despite the presence of the stretch marks. Today as I was driving I saw a remarkable likeness to the happenings bellow my belly button:

Henceforth said stretchmarks will be lovingly referred to as Spaghetti Junction.

Thoughts on being a stay at home mom

I quit my job as an education attorney in September because my boss had twisted my career into a dead-end job. The economy sucked. I felt burnt out. I had finished a novel. I figured I'd take some time off. Jack and I had saved enough and refrained from buying enough to make this a possibility. My family thought I was insane. Only Jack supported me, which is really the only one that matters since he is supporting me. In the meantime I got pregnant and as I recovered from burn out and felt able to consider going back to work I grew a belly that made it complicated to attend interviews and logistically, was I planning to start a job and then stop a few months later?

I've been home since September and there are benefits to being home. I'm pursuing my writing. The house is spotless, dinner is not store-bought pizza. I am less stressed out. But- being home all the time isn't easy either. Writing is solitary business and financially, it is still uncertain. I'm in the middle of my 5th rewrite for a publisher considering buying my book- but the rewrites are done for free, and they still have the option at the end to say no. It very well could be that despite my and my agent's best efforts, this book will not be published.

If I didn't have a baby on the way, I'd likely be applying for jobs. But because I do, my plan was to be a SAHM for at least the first year of his life. Yesterday we were taking an evening walk and he asked me when I was planning to start applying for jobs again. I felt stunned. I thought we agreed on the SAHM thing? He said that was fine but he worried that I seemed a bit stifled lately and that I would get too claustrophobic home cooped up all day at home with a baby and maybe it would be too much. Maybe I'm living in a bubble but though I know raising a baby is not going to be kisses and giggles all the time, I do think I will find it rewarding and meaningful. There will likely be days I will question why I do this, but that is the same of any job anyone has. He went on to point out that he thinks I'm too educated to be sitting around at home, baking and changing diapers.

I have a masters in education and a law degree. Sometimes instead of assets these feel like chains because they engender guilt in me. I am capable of making a lot of money. And yet I'm bringing in nothing right now. Since I was 16 I have made money and while I've never been rich (public school teacher, public interest lawyer) I have always contributed. It feels weird to have done all that schooling and sit at home.

In an ideal world my book will sell, and be successful enough that I can work as an author while raising a family. But that's ideal and there are no guarantees. I told Jack that if this didn't work out I'd likely return to the working world once my youngest was nursery school age because I wanted there to be a primary caregiver at home watching them. Then- he suggested his mom could come and watch our son. Needless to say the conversation did not end well.

And as an aside, we haven't seen Jack's family since Thanksgiving because of how they acted, but I guess time heals all wounds because now he thinks that this baby will be some kind of salve, and that we will gather around him and all our issues will be solved. He's going to a conference two weeks after the baby is born and suggested his mother come to help me out. When I stared at him incredulously he said what? you'll have the baby to bond over. Or kill each other over? I'm concerned about this since a baby does not heal marriages nor in-law issues.

The truth is, I want to stay home with my son. I know being a SAHM isn't an option or even desired by every mother and I respect that completely. For me, its been something I always planned to do and because there is no job I'm leaving right now to do this, the transition is seamless. I just wish I could rid the guilt I feel when I consider my earning potential and the college fund that won't be growing while I stay at home.

Stretchmarks strike back

Only recently I was blithely asserting how I had nary a stretchmark on my belly. Yes I was aware that everyone in my family gets them. Yes I was aware that puberty left me with enough to make a hot tire jealous. It's called denial. Each day I smiled as I slathered on cocoa butter and told others the virtues of lotioning and hydrating. But you see- I hadn't really fully examined my belly since at the moment its hard to access visually the dark side of the moon, or as its otherwise known the underside of my planetary belly. Today after my shower I took a hand mirror and looked and um, yeah- there they were, enough to congregate and have marches and rallies. On that note I must say I love Jack very much. Why? Because I've shown him my belly as I lotion up and have proudly said see honey? no stretch marks anywhere! To which once he hesitatingly said um I think I might see one.... To which I shrieked with a look of panic, to which he quickly covered his tracks and said no no, it was just a shadow. And yes I believed him because I'm quite good at the art of denial. I'm not saying moisturizing/hydrating doesn't work. Maybe I'd be beat up skating rink if I hadn't done so, but I am saying that I gots them. And yes- I will accept them like the battle marks they are. I got these from carrying my son so if one must have such marks, they're the best damn stretch marks one could ask for.

Jack is nesting

I thought I've been running around like a frantic bird because of hormones. Maybe its a bad case of couvades syndrome, but Jack- it seems he is nesting too. On Saturday I got out of the shower to find him vacuuming behind the sofas. Sunday I woke to find he had removed all the petals from our ceiling fan and was scrubbing them with bleach. We had a carpet salesman come by yesterday to give an estimate and suddenly he's researching carpenters on Craigslist. You have to know Jack and how much, ahem, prodding, he needs to put his plate in the sink to know how peculiar this is. Granted its still tough to buy things with him since you can see the anxiety pass over his face when we do, but in all other respects I wouldn't be surprised to walk in to find him baking cookies or something in a new york minute. And speaking of cookies, I have somehow been able to suppress my sweet tooth since getting GD but I saw a commercial for softserve ice cream and now I'm craving it like crack. I heard there's a McD's in the lobby of where I'll deliver so methinks that will be the first thing I eat post-delivery.

Perspective

Note to ICLWers, pregnancy mentioned here, the gushy mushy sort that once made me want to hurt small animals [not really- but you get what I mean]

I woke up to a call from a friend who lives far away, due for a C-section today. She called from the hospital bed to tell me about her healthy baby girl born just hours ago. I felt touched she thought of me- and so happy for her good news.

I logged on today and ordered a bouncer from Amazon with a gift card from a dear bloggy friend. I'm touched beyond measure.

Jack and I went out for lunch before the MFM appointment. We talked about the whole friend situation. R behaved rudely based on a misconception, and while it hurts I can at least learn from it and make sure I don't shut people out before knowing where they're coming from. Maybe right now we're experiencing a slight friendship lull, but today I was reminded that we do have people who care for us even if they don't live here. And maybe if we ever find a group of friends here we fully connect with, this lull will help us appreciate them all the more.

As we finished our lunch I noticed an old man having lunch with his daughter. He was hunched over with large glasses texting on a large cell phone. I found it odd such an old man texting so intently. When he got up to leave I saw his face and realized he was not an old man but a teenage boy, emaciated and bald from cancer. The woman I thought his daughter was his mother.

The most sobering perspective of all.

It suddenly felt incredibly foolish to lament the passing of friendships, when in truth I'm blessed to have the friends and support I do. When in truth some friendships are meant to come and go. The things that have made my heart feel heavy this weekend should not do so because as long as I have Jack and I get to see this precious face and be told that all is going smoothly and that he is healthy and well,
then my life is pretty darn spectacular and I have nothing to complain about. Not one single thing.

A friendish weekend, sort of

This is a weird question but I'm curious, does everyone get burned by people they thought were friends? To be fair I have a handful of good people in my life who care for me and who I feel I can trust. But it seems that friendships over the past few recent years have really had the power to hurt.

A friend we thought we were close to had a huge birthday bash for their son. We kept getting texts from other mutual friends at the party wondering what other plans we had that we couldn't attend. We weren't invited. It was strange since I talk to R regularly, and Jack and her husband work together, play football together, and get lunch once a week. It was strange enough that I had to ask her what happened. She said we didn't attend her son's birthday last year because Jack wanted to play football instead, and that we didn't have kids. I was pregnant with Speck last year and her party was for 10am. I had morning sickness with him and getting up at 8am to attend a 10am party on a Saturday morning would have triggered a bad day for me. She assumed we chose not to go for a football game and decided to ban us this year. And- I know I'm pregnant now but it still stings to be told I was not invited somewhere because we don't have kids. Those words still have the power to burn, and I'm surprised she said this since she knows about my losses and struggles.

A few weeks ago I wrote about a former friend who e-mailed to apologize for cutting off all ties with no explanation nearly three years ago. You all gave me great advice with lots of different perspectives but most of you felt no reply was necessary. I saw her last night at a wedding. I figured if I ran into her I'd say hi but during the wedding our paths didn't cross. At the end of the wedding Jack and I lingered with some friends outside when Z came to leave. She came up to me and and hugged me and kissed my cheek. We smiled and idle talked for a few minutes before she left. Because of what y'all said, and my mom and Jack, I am choosing not to pursue the issue- but it left me so sad. It was like seeing an ex boyfriend you thought was the one. But the quote Lilly shared with me by Maya Angelou when people show you who they are, believe them- the first time, sticks with me and despite missing her, I feel I must keep my distance. It's just such a strange thing to still miss a friend despite the span of three years.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who has this sort of thing happen. If facebook is any indication the rest of the world is singing kumbaya. Jack says this is not true. That this is common- it happens- that in this world you're lucky to have a handful of friends over the course of a lifetime that you can truly lean on.

Is this true for you? Because honestly, I'm getting tired of the games and the drama. I appreciate the handful of friends who I can rely on, but it seems sometimes its just not worth it to keep trying to expand your social circle because your odds of getting burned are high.

33 weeks

33 weeks. 49 days to my due date. Six more weekends. One month to full term. This is the first week that flew by. The first week I didn't stare at a preggo ticker pining for Friday so I could turn the chapter to a new week.

Could be because I'm busy draining our bank accounts on baby purchases.

Jack said no son of his will be going home in a sunflower onesie. Which is just as well since the seller said she doesn't make them in newborn sizes. I get Jack's take on this but am surprised since he's fine with little dude wearing this on Halloween:Instead, I've ordered this from Etsy, the most addictive site ever:The seller has a good deal since she'll make you three personalized onesies for the listed price and she's very responsive to personalizing it as you want and will actually show you the final version before mailing it out to you. I'm going to see if I can get the green block in light blue and then with cute little pants and a hat- it will be a perfect going home outfit!

I'm normally not a big shopper but lately Amazon and I are BFF. I never lived in a grimy hovel, but I never felt particularly distressed by dust on a picture frame. Lately, I feel the urge to scrub every inch of the house. I think this buying/cleaning thing is what they call nesting. If its temporary- that's cool... but I worry that somehow a personality switch happened- I miss my old Non-OCD self who could put her feet up and just rest while a dish rested in the sink and not think about the dish!

33 weeks. It's a beautiful place to be. Most of this pregnancy has been very emotionally difficult. The whole waiting for the other shoe to drop issue. While I know that bad things can still happen, God forbid, the daily hiccups that rock my body and the butt that is wedged to the right of my uterus and wiggles when I drink cold water help more than I could have imagined. I wish someone could have knocked me out from week 4 of the pregnancy until now. Because now? Now is beautiful.

MFM Update

My MFM visit went well but we got no good pics because he was super active! Kicking, squirming, punching. Adorable. He weighs 4lb6oz (43rd percentile) so as of now he's not giganto GD baby. Phew. Dr. MFM said tentatively, now we'll need you to start coming in for weekly ultrasounds to check growth and ensure proper blood flow. Hope that's okay? That's like telling a pothead their company is relocating to Amsterdam. Of course its fine!

I had a good chuckle later at Target when I saw a "Baby Book" to record mementos including a page with one square for my ultrasound picture. A dear friend just had her 20 week u/s and her OB told her enjoy it, it's the last you'll see your baby until he arrives! She's a fertile myrtle and though I admit I sometimes feel envy towards her ease at procreation- I do feel rather smug at how often I get to visit my little one. Hey- its the one perk I get to being a high-risk preggo so I may as well savor it to the last drop.

The onesie dilemma

Please tell me, without sparing my feelings, whether my son will have years of therapy in his future if I pick this as his "going home" outfit:

[Like? In my defense the ad says its for girls or boys]

Involuntary Reminders

The kitchen resembles a war zone so I decided to run out and get lunch. As I walked in to the Chik-fil-a, I ran into an acquaintance I hadn't seen in years. She was holding a tiny baby in a yellow monkey onesie. We paused to chit chat. She congratulated me on my pregnancy. I congratulated her on her son. She asked when I was due. I asked when her baby was born. He came two weeks late, she said with a smile, November 21.

On a good day I can't do math to save my life, yet somehow this instantly processed: Her due date was November 7. My due date. I imagined her as she saw the positive pregnancy test, February 2009. I imagined as she told her parents. As she saw the ultrasounds. As she had baby showers. As she gave birth. And now there he was. A visible tangible reminder of what could have been. Speck would have been just that big. He could have been curled on my shoulder just like that. But he isn't because he left my body April 13, 2009.

I kept it together until she left but I was amazed how quick the tears sprang and how sharp the pain still is. I felt like something inside me was twisting and falling apart. I thought I had healed but despite where I am right now, pregnant with a beautiful baby inside me, seeing in physical form what could have been still has the power to hurt.

I made myself snap out of it. I took a deep breath, drank some water. Counted my blessings on each finger (Sunflower, Sunflower, Sunflower. . .) and got it together. But I learned something today- you can move forward, you can be happy again, you can make peace with the pain, but the pain- somewhere inside you, it remains.

Spotting, Inducing, Slings

I've gotten very comfortable in this pregnancy. According to my OB too comfortable. You see, I've been brown spotting all weekend. I didn't mention it because I'm not feeling contractions so surely things are okay? I called today to tell the OB just because it was three days on and they called me in immediately. It worked out since I was due for my 32 week check up anyways. The cervix seems closed and she ordered a fFN test and the MFM will measure my cervix Wednesday to make sure all is well. I got a stern lecture to call when things are wonky since brown spotting is not normal, but in good news on the GD front she's happy with my numbers so I no longer have to test for ketones in the morning and only have to check my blood sugar twice a day. My fingers are pleased.

I told her I really wanted her to deliver my baby. She said thats possible if we induce and she'd be open to inducing me in the 39th or 40th week. I feel since I have GD I'd be induced anyways so why not plan it? Is there some harm in doing this that I'm missing? At the end of the day I just want my baby and want to feel confident in the doctor delivering the baby.

I'm having issues walking lately. I feel like the Tin Man in Oz and my upper right leg by the pelvic area is in need of a good oiling. It seriously feels like it creaks as I walk. Dr. D told me its my belly weight. I dont know. I barely move lately. A painter has been in our house for over a week changing our popcorn ceilings to smooth and painting a few rooms and has essentially turned our house into what looks like twister came through so we're living out of a guest room and are moving as much as slugs do on any given day. Can't wait until he's done. This nesting phenomenen is weird. We've lived in this house for over five years and none of the imperfections bothered me until now. I mean, is Sunflower going to raise his eyes with disgust at popcorn ceilings or scratches on the walls? Very odd.

In purchasing news, I decided to return my Balboa Sling since it looks like the type that the advisory was targeting (and the baby in the picture looks so disturbed!) and I'm considering getting a Moby wrap, but its looking mighty complicated with lots of crossing over and tying. I was the last kindergartner to master the art of shoe tying and that hasn't really improved with time. I really wanted a wrap I could quickly put on to take baby out and about and the Moby looks a bit unweildy. Do any of you use a wrap/sling that you can just kind of toss on when heading out?

Buying and Babies

We did it. We bought the crib. We're waiting for my parents to visit in two weeks so we can fit it in their minivan but the deed is done. We were suspicious as to why a crib that purportedly retailed for $600+ was going for $200 but the salesman said a) Berg is getting out of the crib business and dumping remaining inventory and b) This crib was part of a raffle for Georgia Baby's store re-opening and no one won. Neither point seemed enough to walk away from a well made $200 crib with excellent ratings so now, its ours. Wow. Our infant car seat arrived today as well. So if he came tomorrow we have a means to take him home and a place to put him to sleep (And we want to buy a foam mattress but they cost almost as much as as our crib!?!)

Some of you pointed out that though I won't have a baby shower, friends may want to give gifts when they come visit the baby, so I made a gift registry. Wow you can go silly clicking things you think you need. I made sure to pick things that wouldn't be urgent before the baby comes stuff, but instead other things that I plan to get but if baby came tomorrow he wouldn't stare at me in horror at my incompetent parenting skills if I didn't have them on hand.

But speaking of stuff, what does a baby need? I now have a place for him to sleep, and a means to be transported. Those aer needs but there's a lot out there they don't need despite how they're marketed. If a baby arrived tomorrow, what would he absolutely not be able to do without?

And- Random- but- when do people get a hospital bag ready?

AND Ms. Bluebird and Lisa had their babies! So so happy for them! I hope the births of their babies will inspire Kate's little one to make her grand entrance before Pitocin must play a part!

32 Weeks

32 weeks! At this stage Sunflower has a 98% chance of survival and a reduced risk of serious long term disabilities. I would do a happy dance except I'd likely end up doing a happy duck waddle which is decidedly uncool.

I'm giddy about next week. The painting and other work around the house will hopefully be done by Monday, and then I have my 32 week checkups! I get to see my real OB not the Cinderella-esque step-OB's I've been rotating with for the past few months. I have a list of questions ten miles long to ask her. I'm impatiently awaiting the MFM appointment so I can see little dude again. I hope he is still in his locked and loaded head-down position he's been in since week 16 and hopefully I'll be told he does not weigh ten pounds thanks to GD.

Thanks for your encouragement in my previous post to start buying things. Today, I finally did. I ordered a car seat and stroller frame and Saturday we are seriously considering buying the crib. I ordered a sling too but apparently it can suffocate your baby? So now I'm not sure what to do. I'm now seeing the practical side of having a baby shower. I wish I hadn't so adamantly said no to my friends in the past because now I get it. The one friend who offered who I'd be comfortable back peddling with saying, um you know how I said I didn't want one, well now I do? is currently in the middle of bad marital issues, so not exactly good timing. Oh well. We're being careful with our purchases and making sure to buy good but affordable things (Amazon way cheaper than brick-n-mortar stores btw). My mom is giving us a generous amount that will help us buy the crib and all crib related things plus a pack-n-play. And maybe we'll get some gift cards post-baby that at least can offset the cost of diapers and other necessities that will surely continue to arise.

I got a call today from my cousin asking when she can buy tickets to come for two weeks after the baby. My mom is putting in her vacation request tomorrow. And I'm buying stuff. This is becoming real. As real as the little butt that is currently wiggling against the top of my uterus right now. I know I've been pregnant for 32 weeks, but its today that the giddy is hitting, the omigod the nursery is totally going to be monkey themed, the why haven't I signed up for birthing classes? OMG a baby is going to come out of where?!?

Yep, its finally hitting- and I am so thankful.

The tourist buying real estate

We found a crib we love, a $500 Berg crib on clearance for $200. The only issue is the mattress hanger is designed different than other cribs. We would never have noticed this had the crib been displayed like a store model but we noticed and now we wonder. Research has yielded no insight on this particular hanger and considering I have nightly dreams about this crib floating around in the air, I think if its still there Saturday we're going to buy it.

Buying a crib is huge but its not a financial investment as much as it is an emotional one. The first thing Jack said when we saw the crib was, are you sure you don't want to wait until he's here to buy one? Just to, you know, be sure? I'm almost 8 months pregnant and though we've scrubbed most of the fear away, a tinge remains like filmy residue.

I checked my preggo ticker today. I'm 57 days away from my due date. 57 is close to 50 which is near 40 which is near 30 which is. . . . and then suddenly it hits me: I'm going to be a mother. Despite the round belly, the injections, the ultrasounds, it hasn't sunk in. I know this from the way I clutch my baby bargains book and walk around baby stores like a tourist in Istanbul. It's like we're pretending, wouldn't it be fun to live here? but ofcourse tourists don't actually buy the local real estate. They look and dream. Except the days are coming closer. The odds increasingly in my favor. My life is going to change.

I've been on this journey for so long trying to make sure the wheels don't fall off, that the windshield wipers function, and the AC keeps cooling that I forgot to notice the green signs on the highway telling me you're almost there. Holy Shit. How amazing. How beautiful. How terrifying.

I suddenly feel unprepared. Not in physical items (though yeah- that too) but more so just processing how huge this is. I've dreamed of, waited for, and wanted him for so long.
I'm in amazement at the innocence of these little feet poking my insides and the hiccups that gently rock my stomach, the heart that now sounds more human than theoretical. Like all babies resting in their mother's wombs, he is pure and whole and good. I hope I will be worthy of this beautiful child. I hope I don't fuck up.

Side effects of a foggy brain

Kate: I must say this week has just flown by.
Jack: Yeah? I wish that was the case for me.
Kate: It's amazing! After all these months of days that drag on, I don't know where the week went. Maybe I'm finally more comfortable and secure in this pregnancy. I've come a long way, maybe the rest of weeks will fly by just like this!
Jack: That's great honey, I'm happy for you.
Kate: So, is there a new Office tonight?
Jack: The Office?
Kate: Yeah, I really liked last week's episode, I wish they could all be hour long.
Jack: What day you think it is?
Kate: Thursday.
Jack: *silence* Hmm, that explains the week flying by.
Kate: Whatcha mean?
Jack: It's Tuesday

Bone Tired

I'm tired. It doesn't seem normal to be this tired. I feel like I'm walking around in a fog. My blood sugar hasn't been as low as it was when I first started checking my numbers though most days I stay in the 70's and 80's, after lunch yesterday I spiked to 140 (max 120). I thought high blood sugar would have me feeling a bit wired but I felt even more sluggish then. Luckily it was a one-time occurrence but this exhaustion is getting old. I have a 32 week checkup in a week, hopefully the doc can tell me what's up. I'm still trying to get my insurance taken care of and its annoying. I had my brother spend his Friday getting me a certified copy of my marriage license as required, and got it in the mail today only to be told they don't want a certified copy, they want the original. I can't find the original so what are you going to do? Deny a high risk preggo access to health care? Hopefully I'm worrying for nothing.

Nesting is sort of in full gear. We hired a guy to replace our popcorn ceilings with smooth and do some other needed work around the house. He's not a professional but he's affordable and when he worked for us in the past he did a good job, but this time its shoddy. He created such a mess in two rooms that I'm going to have to throw away some of the things and the ceilings are streaky. Tomorrow I have the joy of telling him to redo them. It sucks. I hate telling people what to do and I know he's working his butt off and that he's financially broke so it feels mean but I have to, I mean we're paying him to do a job. Right? Sigh.

And the Oscars, they underwhelmed.

Hmm- I am quite boring when dead tired. Ah well.

Growth Spurt

I'm not sure if its normal but it seems I woke up today exponentially larger. My first hint was when I sat to put my socks on and had to struggle to reach my foot. Then Jack saw me and gasped. Its a beautiful thing of course, to grow, but I'm wondering if scientists at NASA are wondering who ate Jupiter:
Feeling mighty full-term looking despite two more months to go. (knock on wood)(salt over shoulder)(insert superstition here)

Incidentally, was watching a show on Kangaroos. [our Bravo channel got canceled] They get to watch their babies and cuddle while they gestate them. Having major pouch envy.

31 weeks and this and that

Thank you so much for your advice on my last post [and thanks to those who delurked, its nice to know you're there!] Your perspectives gave me a great deal to marinate over. Your comments helped me realize we could never be friends again. While friends do have falling outs sometimes, Z went too far. She didn't pull away from the friendship, she behaved in a hostile manner towards me. She turned my friends against me. She not only hurt me, she hurt Jack since he can't be friends with her husband in the same way now. If it was simply a matter of us drifting apart, or a misunderstanding I could see myself making an effort, but her actions were intentional and cruel. I will forgive her because I want to move on but I can never allow myself to be in the same position again. Lilly shared with me a quote by Maya Angelou: When someone shows you who they are, believe them-- the first time. It stopped me in my track- maybe its not the same for everyone, but with this particular friendship, its time to forgive and let go.

In very good news I'm 31 weeks pregnant now! And in extra good news, my dietitian said my blood sugar levels are stellar (she actually was concerned at how low they were). If I keep it up I may be able to avoid one more needle to stab myself with! In celebration I ordered a baby sling. Though Jack and I have started browsing baby things, we seem gun shy about actually buying any of the necessities. I decided it was time to bite the bullet and do it. I felt relieved after I clicked purchase. Just another baby-step in that hope direction. Maybe as the days continue going by, I'll continue to resemble Telly monster, less and less:
I'm holding onto the happy feeling as I try to close an insurance gap. We have Tr.iC.are now and its very complicated getting into the system. They want a certified copy of our marriage license which we of course can't find right now so have to re-order, and they require my primary care physician (who I haven't seen in years) to confirm I'm pregnant before they'll approve my OB and MFM visits. Because you know all those women who love going to the MFM for kicks and giggles right? At the rate its going I may have to reschedule my 32 week checkups with my OB and MFM. Trying to find peace with that. Eventually this will all be resolved.

But its hard because the pregnancy hormones, they're alive and kicking. Most days I'm perfectly rational but then I have these moments where I have the urge to cry about everything. Finding an old receipt for a dinner date. Sappy commercials. Oprah. I'm fully aware how ridiculous it is to cry over some of these things, and yet the trembling lower lips, the watery eyes. Sheesh. I find myself rolling my eyes at myself and wiping them from the tears at the same time. One day I will find this hilarious. I just know it. [cartoon source]

As an aside, I thought when I reached my second trimester I'd no longer have anything to say but it seems I blog almost every day. I'm surprised that there seems to be so much still to say, but I thank you so much for supporting me along the way and I hope that I can do the same for you.

Could use your advice

I'm experiencing a bit of an off topic dilemma and have so many emotions swirling I thought I'd share it and see what your objective opinion might be. Any advice much appreciated.

Once upon a time Jack and I had a couple friend we were very close to. We knew the hubby, A, for years before he married Z, and he would come over our house for dinner all the time and we adored him. Then he married Z and she was just as awesome as A, and the four of us hung out all the time. We had other friends in common but the common denominator was the four of us. Z became my closest girlfriend. Closer still, because the four of us connected so well, they felt like family away from family. My parents knew them, asked after them. I knew her folks and when they were visiting we'd often go over because it was like seeing relatives. Z and I went shopping together, had lunch together regularly, talked on the phone almost every night and we hung out every weekend whether just the four of us or with larger groups of people. We referred to each other as sisters. I could confide anything in her and I knew that no matter what happened she would always be there for me.

Except she wasn't. One day, three years ago, out of nowhere, after I threw her a surprise birthday party, she stopped speaking to me. She stopped returning my calls. She blocked me on facebook. When I saw her she would turn around and walk away. I was shocked. I tried approaching her when I saw her to ask her what happened but she said she didn't want to talk to me. I later learned from friends that she had ripped up photos of us and one was stuck on her fridge torn in half. I had no idea what I did. I grieved that friendship like someone might grieve losing a long-time boyfriend for no reason. I was devastated. Jack and I were both shocked and stunned.

I was the quieter more introverted of the two of us so she took over all my prior friendships. I no longer felt welcome to attend events of mutual friends. In the three years since I had to rebuild almost my entire social circle. I now have other friends and they're very nice but I never had the type of friendship I had with Z ever again. Despite what she did I missed having that sisterhood feeling with someone. Knowing that I could call someone at 3am and they would be there for me. I really really missed it despite not wanting to.

In the years that passed she got pregnant and had a baby girl who is a few months old now. July 2009, when she was pregnant she e-mailed me after two years of silence to wish me a happy anniversary. I was confused and simply responded with a terse thanks.

Her husband and Jack still play on the same flag football team and a few weeks ago he asked Jack to have lunch with him. He told Jack that he misses our friendship a lot and that he never found friends like us again. After all this time he finally told us why Z ended the friendship: She thought we were too close and it was impinging on her ability to expand her social circle. That was why she ended our friendship. She certainly did expand her social circle. There's hardly a person I meet who doesn't know Z (she's very loud and funny). I still don't know why she had to end our friendship to get this- but that was her choice. Her husband told Jack she regrets what she did and they miss us. Jack shrugged his shoulders, what is there to say really?

Today, 2.5 years after she ended our friendship, I got an e-mail from her. She apologized profusely for what she did and that she thinks of me every day. She said she thought of me as a sister and she lives with regret for having treated me as she did. She hurts knowing I'm having a baby and that we can't raise them together like we would have. She said I was her first true friend so she didn't appreciate its value and now over the years she's learned that friends like me are hard to find and she fucked up a really good thing. She said she knew we can't fix the friendship we had and she has no expectations of a response from me but she hopes I can empathize with her.

I'm so confused. I will be seeing her at a wedding in two weeks. This thought was already filling me with dread because I hate having to see her but now she's reached out and I dont know what to do. I bawled my eyes out reading it because despite all these years I never made another friend like that again. Though I know I'm not missing who she is, to this day I miss the friendship that was.

Jack got angry reading the e-mail. He said she wants to unburden herself because she feels guilty for what she did. He told me not to respond and just to accept this apology as closure to a very painful part of my life. I mean, this may sound really dramatic, but she broke my heart and he had to see me lose all my friends because of her actions.

Do you have any advice about what you would do if you were in my shoes? Part of me wants to ingore her reaching out. Part of me wants to write back and say thanks, keep it short and sweet. Part of me wants to approach her at the wedding in two weeks to talk (except I did that in the past and she snubbed me so I feel uncomfortable with that), and part of me wants to get coffee with her and talk and at least become cordial again... and then, I admit there's a part of me that wishes so so badly that we could erase the years and I could have the friend I had, the friend I never found again.

"You're so lucky you're having a boy"

I've written before on my thoughts on having a son, but since we began telling people, the truth of what I wrote is sinking in- and pissing me off. Since we've begun telling people, this sentiment, that we must be so happy because we're having a son is really getting on our nerves. On one hand some people don't mean any harm with comments such as oh wow Jack must be so excited to have a boy to play sports with! Sure I think he could have played sports with his little girl, but I think these people are just being sweet and would've found something special to say about having a girl. But its the other comments that Jack and I have received that are getting under my skin:

• Ah, you got it out of the way, producing the male son. (said by a former co-worker with two daughters).
  
• Ah man! You are so lucky! I wish we could trade! Girls are tough. (said by a father of a five week old daughter).
• It took X a while to adjust to having a daughter but now he's happy.
• You must be so relieved. My wife is pregnant and I'm praying for a son.

If we were having a girl would you have expressed your condolences? It's disturbing to think that people might be jealous because our baby has a penis. It's disturbing that there are baby girls out there whose birth will be met with disappointment. These sentiments are not just an insult to that girl but to me and every woman out there. Women are the reason humanity exists.

My mom had warned me not to tell people the gender for this very reason, but I can't believe that in this day and age, in the USA this sentiment is still voiced. That people dare admit it. Unfortunately, most of these sentiments have been expressed to Jack out of my presence. I'm waiting for someone to say this to me because at this point I'm ready to really go off.

It must be my preggo hormones that are making my eyes well with tears right now, but. . . there are so many of my IF sisters struggling. So many who would do anything, who have gone beyond the bounds of what they could have imagined to have a baby and still struggling. Then there are these people. . . I know none of this is based on a merit system of fairness, but having to encounter people like this, so damn ignorant- its just so fucking unfair.

March

It's March! My due date is May 7 but I'm full term in April. I'm practically giddy that I can now say my baby could come next month. March could be my last month without my son in my arms. March also would have been the month I would have given birth to Bug, my second pregnancy. No one ever gave me a due date because the viability of the pregnancy was questionable from the start. It would have been sometime the third week of March but I'm glad there's no physical, tangible date to dread.

Week 30 brings with it increasing cautious-optimism . . . and exhaustion. Some of you suggested I make the most out of the second trimester because the third is exhausting. You were right. I dont know if its normal third trimester stuff or the anemia but I feel constantly tired. Logically, if one is tired they sleep but sleep isn't easy. Last night I woke up three times because of acid reflux. Twice because sleeping on my sides puts pressure on my hips and then twice more to use the restroom. I'm not working right now so I have the luxury of feeling guilty as I find myself still in bed with the clock reading 11:00am. I don't know how ya'll do it with full-time jobs feeling this way. Sometimes I think just nine more weeks until bebe arrives and then these sleep issues will be gone. Ha. My mom said that once you have a child you never sleep like you did before ever again- ever. I guess this is a trial run of the foggy state of mind I'll be in very soon. I'm trying not to feel too guilty about not accomplishing as much as I set out to each day. As a Type-A person this is tough. But Im reminding myself that soon things will change and I will feel quite productive. (67 days give or take, but whose counting?)

Other things that have changed in the third trimester:

• I can no longer put my socks on while standing lest I resemble a tipped cow.
• To weigh myself on my digital scale I have to hop off since looking straight down, even side to side to catch the number is difficult. (I think this is my body trying to protect my feelings- kinda like 'oh honey you don't need to see that now do you?')
• While my feet haven't gone up in size yet, my hands are inexplicably expanding like Pillsbury dough and its starting to look like I stole my wedding ring from a much skinnier person and jammed it onto my finger.
• Baby Story on TLC used to be heartwarming (before I knew I had IF) then heartbreaking (once I had IF) and now it just scares me like any good old fashioned horror flick. As much as I think about life after baby, bottle versus breast, crib or bassinet, I really have seemed to push the labor part of this reality out of my head entirely. (sticks fingers back in ears: lalalalalala)