Sunday, November 29, 2009

Telling his parents

If you've been reading you know we still haven't told Jack's family I'm pregnant despite the fact that I'm well into my second trimester. After some random people noticed my pregnancy I urged him to tell them this weekend. Once we got there, he changed his mind again. I didn't push it, if he did not feel comfortable who was I to force the issue?

Today as his sister and her family pulled out of the driveway, Jack looked at me and whispered, I'll tell my parents but I'm not ready to tell my sister. My relationship with my in-laws is a rocky one. I did not expect jumps for joy, or even a smile. Still, despite reminding myself the response was painful:

Jack: We have some good news to tell you.
MIL/FIL: What is it?
Jack: We're having a baby.
MIL/FIL: Oh

oh.Two years of stark white lines, two pregnancy losses one of which you witnessed in my home, and now we tell you that perhaps the hell we've endured might be behind us, that we are finally hopeful that a baby might be ours, and the reaction to your son having his first son, is oh?

Oh, is a fine reaction to us telling you I bought new shoes
Oh, is acceptable if I said I got a new job
Oh, is okay for pretty much any fucking thing else but...

when it comes to this, no, oh does not fucking cut it.

We stood there staring at them for a few seconds and then the silence got awkward and we got our luggage to leave. His mom finally mustered, how far along are you. I told her, FIL made a face. Why did he make a grimace? I don't know, but Jack saw the face, and the expression on his face broke my heart. He quietly told them, I shouldn't have told either of you, if you can't be happy you didn't deserve to know. They responded telling him he should respect his elders and what he said was not nice. We closed our car doors and drove away.

I should have expected this but seeing Jack's crestfallen face as he told me in the car, your parents are so excited, they are worried but they obviously care, I feel like I have no parents. It's just wrong. It's so easy to plaster a fake smile and feign joy. Why could not do this for him? He asked me why I was so worked up when I knew they would react like this, I just feel like, they don't deserve to have my baby in their life. He said we're not visiting them again, and if they want to see the baby they can come down and visit, but we're done for now.

I'm sad about their reaction but I don't regret telling them. No matter when we broke the news they would have reacted like this. I do feel sad for my sunflower that he will have a set of grandparents who just won't give him the love he deserves. I had a set of grandparents that didn't care about me, who treated me like a nuisance taking up space. I cried because I don't want my baby to ever feel this way. Luckily Jack agrees, and if they continue behaving in this manner, it will be them who miss out and it is their loss entirely.

Hope y'all thanksgiving weekend went way better.

15 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that they are suck fuck-tards... sorry for calling your in-laws that (and please apologize to Jack) but there is no other way right now. You are absolutely correct, "Oh" is not acceptable, No. Matter. What. Sorry that you didn't have a joyous Thanksgiving, I thought about you, and all my other 'blog friends' that have little ones (or two's) inside them, and I was thankful that you have all shared your story with me, because it gives me hope that someday, I'll be there too! :)

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  2. I am so very sorry. There is no reason that you - or Sunflower, or Jack - should have to deal with that kind of bullshit. Very pleased, though, that Jack is standing up and refusing to take their nonsense. As you say, Sunflower will be better off with only one set of grandparents, than having grandparents who make him feel less than perfect and wanted-above-all-things. As he is. By everyone else.

    Mean people suck.

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  3. wow, what an underwhelming response to such awesome news. i'm sorry for jack that his parents don't seem to care that they will be having a grandchild but i'm happy that your parents are excited. the most important love this baby will get is from you and jack anyways not from his lame parents!

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  4. they honestly are the best blankets, so beautiful and you get to pick the fabrics, i would have paid twice the asking price for one. i'm doing the darling damask fuzzy pattern with royal blue satin trim on one side and the hot pink nubby color on the other side, can't WAIT to see it.

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  5. That is a horribly crappy reaction and I'm so glad that Jack said what he did and then you left. Were it me, I would make zero attempts at contact with them. Make it clear that their participation in your lives is optional.

    It sucks, sucks, sucks to have crappy parents. My parents were harsh and dismissive of me for my entire life...until I walked away, with my daughter, and they heard nothing from us for over a year. After that, they realized a relationship with us was a privilege not a right, and if they wouldn't respect me...then they simply wouldn't know me. Not an easy thing to do. But it was well worth it.

    It still isn't easy all the time. There are times I wish I had stayed away. My life would certainly be less stressful and complicated.

    Again, I'm sorry that it turned out that way. even if you expected it, it's crushing. Hopefully, for everyone's sake, they will come around. If they don't, it's their loss.

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  6. It's just so mindblowing! I can't even IMAGINE having that reaction. I am so sorry for Jack, my heart breaks for him.

    I think you are smart to have boundaries to protect your little sunflower. I hope they meet him and snap out of their selfishness, but at least you are prepared.

    ((((hugs))))

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  7. Assholes. So glad you and Jack have each other, and that he said something to them about their underwhelming reaction, and that he's willing to ignore them and build a happy family with you despite their lack of support and/or love. Who knows what the hell they were thinking.
    Either they'll get excited once the baby's here and make an effort, or your family will more than make up for their absence. And as long as Sunflower has the two of you, he won't need anyone else to be a happy kid.
    What a crappy way to end the weekend though!

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  8. I'm sorry that they were so caught up in their dynamics that they couldn't be there in the moment to celebrate with you. Based on what you've said, I wonder if a lot of their reaction is fear-based, thinking that they are losing their son. (Not that that excuses them, of course.)

    The ray of light in this is Jack - he's being a wonderful and amazing support to you, and is being straight with them about how they can be involved in your lives.

    Those are hard boundaries to draw with parents and I'm glad he has the courage to do so. And that you have the empathy and love to help him through this painful process.

    Try not to worry too much about how Sonflower will feel about absent grandparents. It is possible they will change and embrace the three of you, but most importantly, there are so many people in his life already who love him and can't wait to welcome him. try to focus on the love that is there, instead of the possible gaps there may be.

    Love you,
    B

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  9. Even though you were prepared for it, it still sucks big time that they are being so stupid about all this! Sunflower is their GRANDCHILD and they should be excited no matter how they may feel about you! Gah! It is probably a good idea to break ties with them for a while though. It'll be better for you and Jack. Hopefully after a bit of time away his parents will begin to understand how much they have hurt you both and if they want to be a part of your lives and sunflowers life they are going to have to learn to act differently!

    The most important thing is that sunflower knows how much YOU AND JACK love him! I know he will understand that! Give him enough love and hopefully the inlaws won't effect him too much!

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  10. I'm so sorry, this is awful, my heart is breaking for you both. That was supposed to be one of thee most beautiful moments in your lives - telling the grandparents after so much time and effort and pain. And they couldn't muster anything remotely pleasant? What a-holes. Seriously. Take it easy on yourselves, try not to let it get to you. I didn't have all my grandparents growing up and I did just fine. I know that's not much comfort and that you really wanted to share this experience with them, but use this incident to remind yourself NOT to give them more than they deserve out of this child's life or out of your happiness.

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  11. What awful people. Feel so sad for you and your lovely Hubby for their shameful reaction. I know it's awful to see someone you love so cut down by the reaction of someone they hoped would be pleased for them. Here's hoping they coem round and give you the massive apology they owe you. xxx

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  12. I am so sorry to read that you had this kind of a reaction from your inlaws.

    When I was pregnant with my first and only at 44 - my husband encouraged me to tell my parents over the phone - prior to their visit -just in case they needed time to get excited - or at least put on a game face before they saw us.

    I hope that,as the news settles in, they will discover the absolute joy that your little one will bring. Our world will be forever changed by your child and that is something to be celebrated.

    Lisa

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  13. Thanks for your support guys and for sharing your own personal stories of parents who reacted less than ideally to our news. I think the points many of you made is true, that distance is healthy at this point. Its horrible but we have to do this every few years with them. Just distance ourselves for a good amount of time. Then they realize and they start coming around, but it takes having to shut them out completely for them to realize what they've done. then they come around and behave moderately better for a few months before doing something insanely hurtful again. It just sucks- what can you do tough. You're right, he will have enough love between all the people in his life at the moment and those who are missing out on his life are the only ones at loss, not sunflower.

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  14. What assholes! You guys both deserve better than these people. G's parents are like this as well, and he feels very alone most of the time. As far as "family" is concerned. To the undeserving, asshole in-laws of world I say: you do not deserve your wonderful sons, or their fabulous wives, and you certainly don't deserve their children! Shape up or fuck off.

    Of course, it's so much easier to write that here than to actually say it to their faces...

    I am truly sorry that they reacted so poorly, though.

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  15. Aw, honey. My heart just breaks for your hubby. And for you and sunflower too :) We have a rocky relationship with my ILs, too, and I also don't feel like they deserve to have this little one in their lives. . . but yet I still can't imagine them or *anyone* responding to the news like your ILs did. I'm so sorry. ((Hugs))

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