Monday, November 9, 2009


It's interesting that my former blog had a waiting component to the title as does my new one. Both done unintentionally, but so completely true. I thought once I saw the two pink lines I would be done waiting. Then I thought once I saw the heartbeat flickering on the screen, the waiting would end. Then I thought, second trimester, if I can pass that milestone I will stop waiting. Now, I think, when I have a ripe round belly, then I'll stop waiting. I'm beginning to think I don't know how else to exist but to wait. I'm not terrified every day and there is certainly more joy and peace in my heart over this pregnancy, but the waiting remains. I still sigh with relief when we find the heartbeat on the doppler. I still check those baby countdown tickers to see how many days are left. The happiest part of each day is when I click on it at 12:01am and see that I am now another day further along in my pregnancy.

An agent, my dream agent, has requested my full manuscript and in all likelihood she holds it in her hands as I write this. She asked for a three week exclusive while she decides whether to offer representation. I relent, its after all, just one week longer than the standard two week wait I've done for nearly two years, and with PCOS I hardly ever had the traditional two weeks. You'd think with all the waiting we IFers do, that it would become second nature, but waiting no matter how often I do it, does not get easier. Each year I usually exclaim as December arrives, so soon? This year I cannot say this. Each day has been hard fought and won. Each minute and hour, felt. I suppose that's a benefit of waiting, your life suddenly slows down considerably.

I am reading a book about pregnancy and the author struggled with IF before having her son. She said to women with IF and loss under their belt, the worry never goes away, adding that she only now feels a bit more secure considering her son graduated high school and is off to college. Yikes. I guess babies bring with them new waits. Wait for solid foods, wait for toilet training, wait for the first crush. I hope that once this child is in my arms, I can stop waiting, and I can once again fully, truly resume living again.


  1. Well there you are! I'm glad I found you!

    I have no advice whatsoever on how to handle waiting. I'm deeply embedded in the waiting mire. *sigh* I feel your pain!

  2. I am pretty angry IF and loss sometimes - it really took away my naive joy - the first time I got pregnant - it was bliss 24/7. Yeah - it was waiting for betas, waiting for u/s, waiting for first trimester screening, waiting to hit the second tri, waiting for the anatomy scan, finding those cysts - waiting now until birth and later to really believe they are nothing, waiting for viability.

    Don't get me wrong - I love being pregnant for the sake of having babies, I love these babies with all that I am, but the fear, oh the fear and the waiting - I sometimes wish that I was naive again.

  3. congrats on your dream agent requesting your manuscript...and i'm with you, infertility robs us of a lot of bliss...but sometimes i wonder if any woman fully enjoys pure bliss when transitioning into motherhood. who knows, but i do know that i never felt pure bliss even with my first pregnancy--i was worried about miscarrying even before i ever did...i just wonder...and it sucks that either way, we IF'ers sure as hell know what it's like to suffer the effects of deep loss.

  4. wow, congratulations on the manuscript, i know it doesn't mean that it will be published but even just getting an agent to LOOK at one is a pretty big deal, i hope he/she LOVES it!
    i still feel like i'm waiting at 6.5 months, and i am, i guess we will be until we get to hold our little babies, but the weait feeling is a little less intense once you start feeling the baby move.

  5. That's great news on your manuscript! The waiting will be tedious, but hopefully you can use your waiting for Sunflower to help pass the time!

  6. I do worry about my son, I think many moms do. Honestly, though, I'm not sure if my IF really affects that level of worry. (It affects me in other ways, constantly, however.)

    In fact, now that I think about it, I wonder if in a way, my IF makes me worry LESS. Regarding the outside world, the "bad" people and things that could harm him, I think my level of worry would be the same even if I didn't go through infertility. But worrying about being "the Perfect Mom" -- I think the fact that I faced the possibility that I might not ever be a mom at all has made me appreciate the simple joys of raising my son, and helped keep me grounded and realistic in the face of ridiculous pressures in society to be SUPERMOM.

    It's interesting how we all deal with parenting after IF in a slightly different way.

  7. Waiting sucks. I'm waiting from week to week to see how these contractions go, will my cervix have changed at all... It never ends. I _think_ it'll be over once the kiddie arrives safely at the end of all this crap. Sure hope so!
    Congrats on having someone request the manuscript. Would be pretty cool to birth your novel and your baby at similar times.