First, I just want to make sure its clear that I think me being depressed is absolutely silly. I have a solid relationship with my husband, I love my family, and I'm pregnant. I know that when it comes to solid reasons to feel this way, its ludicrous.
Walking in a park today with Jack as the fall leaves fell gold and yellow before our path crunching under our feet, we talked about the future. If my book thing doesn't work, he thought it would be good for me to go back to work. Give it a year or so and then let's think about it, he said, pointing out that lately I just seem down and he's wondering if it has something to do with being home. We talked about the lack of friends lately. Most of our close friends moved in the past few years and now I can count my local friendships on one hand. For people who are pretty social, this is not fun. I suggested I could reactivate facebook and reconnect with the community but we both remembered we didn't particularly enjoy those hangouts where the men discussed stock portfolios and the girls talked about the lipstick of the season. Should we make friendships for the sake of saying we have friends? I can't bring myself to make that compromise yet. After that conversation, I asked Jack if he felt deppressed by this. He looked at me like I was crazy. We have each other, and we have sunflower who cares about anything else?
He's right and yet why am I sitting here feeling depressed? Yes its hard not to have the social network I once had, yes its frustrating to get rejections piled at your door as you pursue your dream, and yes not getting a paycheck is doing a number on my sense of self worth, but I don't know if the way I feel is really about any of this. My father's side of the family suffers depression. I never knew a name for it as a child but it hurt me when I would see my father from time to time sit outside on the patio, alone, staring off with a vacant expression. I'm sure my reasons are triggers but I'm pregnant and in any normal reasonable universe I should be walking around with a permanent dumb grin on my face. As much as depression may be triggered by reasons, I think it may also be a chemical thing.
I'm not prone to depression. I get stressed and anxious and sad sometimes but depression has left me alone for the most part save during PMS. Lately, for at least four days now, its gotten me by the proverbial balls and it's not letting go.
I don't know if its circumstance. There are famous authors in the shoes I want to be in who commit suicide or turn to drugs for reassurance. There are rich people making the money I am not who rack up thousands with shrinks and anti-depressants. I don't think its the things in my life, its a state of mind.
I want to just snap out of it. But I can't figure out how to do it.
Depression is a smoky haze that filters over your entire world view. It makes you feel hopeless even as you remind yourself of the beauty and grace that exists in every breath you take. It's dark oozing black ink leaking onto a crisp white page. It coils around your heart like a snake. I want to shake it but at the moment, I'm just not sure how.