Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My rock

3am and I can't sleep. I came downstairs flipped on "Top Chef" and decided to run my dishwasher. As I closed the dishwasher I heard J yell "HONEY" at the top of his lungs and then I heard frantic footsteps down the stairs. His eyes were full of fear. Are you okay? I nodded, rushing up to him hugging him, yes, why? what's wrong? He shook his head, I heard a noise, I thought something happened. I told him I was loading the dishwasher because I couldn't sleep. He looked at me and said I'm glad you're okay. I looked at his hands, they were trembling.

Every time I call him at work, the usual mid day call, he asks me are you okay? And in his voice I hear subdued apprehension. When I called him breathless about an agent who seems interested, his first reaction was oh my God, you scared me, I thought something happened. He's afraid to tell anyone because he's scared of losing sunflower. We listen to the doppler every evening and if it takes longer than a second I see his shoulders tense and his jaw clench.

During the trial of infertility and losses, Jack held me up. He talked me off the figurative ledge. He told me everything would be okay.

Tonight is another reminder of how hard these two years have been for us. He's been my post to lean upon but now that things are settling down, I am beginning to see the cracks in his armoire. How hard its been for him to put on the strong front, to keep me from crumbling. I just took this for granted. I assumed his pain was less, that he handled it differently. Just the other day he said to me when sunflower is old enough we'll tell her she had two siblings and I'm pretty sure Speck was her brother. This shocked me because for months we argued as Jack insisted that my miscarriage was not a baby, just some cells that failed to work out. Now he's admitted to me he never felt that way, he said this because he thought it would ease my pain.

Now my fears are slowly diminishing, and he feels more comfortable telling me what he's going through and I feel like I'm looking at my husband of 7 years for the first time.

I'm sitting here now, tears rolling down my cheeks. To think he lives in my home, sleeping next to me in my bed, and only today is the full effect this has all had on him, truly hitting me for the first time.


  1. Such a wonderful post. I hope you show it to him someday, if he doesn't read your blog. Your love for him is so very evident in every word here.

  2. Great post, thank God for amazing husbands... where would we be through all of this without them!

  3. What a sweet husband you have. I'm so sorry that he's had to endure these trials, and furthermore that he's felt the need to put up a strong face when he was crumbling beneath. It's important to recognize what men go through during IF, too, and like someone else said -- I hope you show him this post!

  4. This post brought tears to my eyes, I don't even know what to say. It's obvious what an amazing source of strengh and support he's been for you, and how very much he cares for you. At the same time, it breaks my heart that he's *had* to be so strong.

    I can only hope that this new view of your husband will help you two grow even closer. It really is so sweet :)

  5. Your SIL sounds really weird.
    And your DH is pretty sweet! It's too bad he was playing the strong man earlier on, and not letting on how affected he was by things. I think it was easier for me to grieve my losses, knowing that DH truly considered them as losses, vs having him try to play them down to hide his true feelings. Hopefully your DH will be able to slowly start letting go of his fear as the next few weeks pass, and come to enjoy Sunflower in the womb.
    I think it took until the 16 week listen-to-fetal heart before DH started to let himself get attached to this pregnancy, and wasn't really until he saw the big ultrasound and felt her move that he began to show his excitement.

  6. We are so blessed to have such amazing husbands. You're right - they are our rocks helping us throuhg, but they are also experience deep emotions with us during our trials. I'm glad he's able to talk to you about this now and that you can be his rock to get him through.