3am and I can't sleep. I came downstairs flipped on "Top Chef" and decided to run my dishwasher. As I closed the dishwasher I heard J yell "HONEY" at the top of his lungs and then I heard frantic footsteps down the stairs. His eyes were full of fear. Are you okay? I nodded, rushing up to him hugging him, yes, why? what's wrong? He shook his head, I heard a noise, I thought something happened. I told him I was loading the dishwasher because I couldn't sleep. He looked at me and said I'm glad you're okay. I looked at his hands, they were trembling.
Every time I call him at work, the usual mid day call, he asks me are you okay? And in his voice I hear subdued apprehension. When I called him breathless about an agent who seems interested, his first reaction was oh my God, you scared me, I thought something happened. He's afraid to tell anyone because he's scared of losing sunflower. We listen to the doppler every evening and if it takes longer than a second I see his shoulders tense and his jaw clench.
During the trial of infertility and losses, Jack held me up. He talked me off the figurative ledge. He told me everything would be okay.
Tonight is another reminder of how hard these two years have been for us. He's been my post to lean upon but now that things are settling down, I am beginning to see the cracks in his armoire. How hard its been for him to put on the strong front, to keep me from crumbling. I just took this for granted. I assumed his pain was less, that he handled it differently. Just the other day he said to me when sunflower is old enough we'll tell her she had two siblings and I'm pretty sure Speck was her brother. This shocked me because for months we argued as Jack insisted that my miscarriage was not a baby, just some cells that failed to work out. Now he's admitted to me he never felt that way, he said this because he thought it would ease my pain.
Now my fears are slowly diminishing, and he feels more comfortable telling me what he's going through and I feel like I'm looking at my husband of 7 years for the first time.
I'm sitting here now, tears rolling down my cheeks. To think he lives in my home, sleeping next to me in my bed, and only today is the full effect this has all had on him, truly hitting me for the first time.