Just because I am feeling better about things and a little more hopeful does not mean I can control those around me. Jack still asks with a nervous hint in his voice if I'm okay when I use the restroom in the middle of the night. If I grimace or make any sort of expression he immediately asks what's the matter? what's wrong? are you okay? I get it. Just beacuse I'm not as scared anymore doesn't mean I can turn this switch off in others.
Then there's my mother. I love my mom but since I got pregnant again she's been very concerned. Considering we share genetic makeup I should not fault her for being a bit of a worry-wart but the fear is beginning to wear on me. My parents live 7 hours from us and we spent the holidays with them. If I jumped to reach something, went out past 10pm with Jack, took a long walk, she chided me telling me to not over exert! In the past I would have gotten mad but I realize she says this out of a place of love and we don't see one another daily so I bit my tongue and let her rebuke me.
Then began the phone calls. We used to talk a few times a week and if she called and I wasn't there it wasn't a big deal, I'd call her in the evening or the next day. But now its different. Now, she calls my home phone, then my cell phone, and then will repeat every twenty minutes and then she will call JACK saying frantically that she can't reach me causing Jack to panic causing a big unnecessary mess.
Granted, I should have my phone on me at all times but sometimes I'm in the shower, or out shopping where there is no reception and its simply not possible. I know she is afraid that me not picking up means I'm passed out on the floor somewhere (since its happened a few times) but its getting tiring to feel tense wondering if she's calling and I missed the call or being nervous to mention I cleaned the tub because I shouldn't be kneeling while pregnant! It's gotten to the point that when she calls I cringe. And I HATE that because I LOVE my mom.
I talked to her gently yesterday and told her that if she calls me once and leaves a message I will call her back when I can. She apologized but I know that this isn't going to stop. It's difficult sometimes to move forward with optimism when everyone around you is biting their nails and shaking their head waiting for the other shoe to drop.