Thursday, January 14, 2010

Unintentionally hopeful

Jack and I decided a long time ago we would not get ready for the baby until April. This has not been a problem since a) I don't like shopping and b) you know, the whole being scared of the future thing. Even buying maternity clothes involved my mother dragging me to a store and marching me into the dressing room because I was perfectly content mushrooming.

The yard people finished up and what was once a jungle where you might reasonably think the wild things are, is now a yard. There are still plenty of trees, but so much more sunlight which means in a few weeks we can lay down sod and grass can grow. Jack came home today and we stepped outside to take a look at the new yard.

It looks amazing, he said putting an arm around me. Sunflower is going to love playing back here now. I nodded and smiled, I feel so relieved I was wondering where he could play if he couldn't play in the back yard. Jack patted my belly and leaned in close, can't wait until you're here to see the yard we made for you.

And then we looked at each other with surprise. We did this for sunflower. Somehow without realizing we engaged in act of faith that one day he will play here. That he will be here. Myndi reflected on the topic of fear, that either way, hoping or fearing, you have no control, so why not be a little hopeful just for your own sanity. It is so difficult to be hopeful when so many beautiful people are experiencing pain and loss around you, and you yourself have tasted this pain yourself. You know you are no more worthy or better, and that this game of doling out loss makes no sense. It makes you feel like you're all pinned to trees and blindfolded monkeys fling darts at random. It can leave you feeling paralyzed and helpless. I guess the key is to realize you are helpless, but you have to go on and live your life just the same.

I looked at the empty flower beds and turned to Jack, come May we're planting sunflowers.


  1. as you know i was totally freaked out and scared to be optimistic for the first five or six months of my pregnancy and i know you are feeling the same or at leat similar to what i felt, so i have to give you this one piece of advice: becuase i was so freaked out i didn't allow any baby shower stuff to happen, now my shower is scheduled for next weekend and i'm really wishing we would have had it a couple of months ago becuase now we'll only have a couple of weeks left after the shower to make sure we have all of the things we need! so basically, don't wait until 3 1/2 weeks before your due date to have your shower!

  2. That is great - really great. You guys have to be comfortable - that is all that matters. For me, the second trimester was the best time for me to do anything. I was so sick the first and now I am huge and my endurance has faltered. Really the only thing that may take time is the nursery furniture - not a problem if you go the route we did, i.e. affordable Da Vinci Kalani from Amazon (delivered in 5 days) but if you are going to get more expensive pieces from a furniture store, it can take months for that stuff to come in.

    It is still scary for me. We are going to have the car seats installed soon and I am freaking out. I have had two showers now (people have been amazing and generous) and my third is on Sunday - I am trying to keep up with all of the organization because it is quite a bit and I get terrified that I will have to send it all back. It is scary. I keep acting out of blind faith - and it can be really, really hard.

    You are doing an amazing job.

  3. I'm so glad you're becoming able to plan a bit for sunflower. To take the hope with the fear. You are in my thoughts, and I'm praying for an easy 2nd half of the pg for you!

  4. Glad to hear they did a good job back there, and that you're both on the same page feeling kind of hopeful. You do realize that you might just have to post a pic of Sunflower amongst his sunflowers, right? You're getting there!

  5. I know part of it is the hormones, but I'm sitting here at work with tears coming out of my eyes from reading this. What a special thing to have for your sunflower and a wonderful revelation - it is all for your baby. It is SO hard to let go, to realize we're not in control. To let hope in after having hope destroyed. I certainly haven't figured it out but I do have faith that it gets easier as the milestones get further into the past. Congratulations on where you are today and where you will be soon, it literally all brings tears to my eyes!

  6. I cant wait to see pictures of those beautiful sunflowers. :) With your Sunflower. :)

  7. I'm still stuck on "I don't like shopping."



    I'm glad you are hopeful. It's hard, but soon you will hold your sweet sunflower in your arms. The journey is so worth it.

  8. I LOVED this post. Beautiful.

    I love that you're engaging in faith.

  9. Beautiful, honey. What a sweet story. I can't wait until Sunflower gets to enjoy the yard you made for him :)