We went to see a friend who just had a baby girl. It was the first time since getting pregnant I've gone for the "new baby visit" and the first time I didn't feel the pinprick of pain that usually accompanied such visits. I felt like a little girl in her mother's pearls and high heels sitting to tea-time with her stuffed animals as we discussed breastfeeding and strollers. I must add quite proudly that when she asked me so was it an accident or did you plan the baby? That I did not break into hysterical laughter. No, we didn't exactly plan this baby since planning and baby just don't go together in my world and so yes the sheer luck that I'm pregnant and it stuck does seem accidental but that's not what you meant is it? Instead I quite somberly told her yes, we wanted a baby.
The conversation moved to labor and the first few weeks after a baby comes. She talked about how stressful it can be and how you just don't know what you're doing sometimes. Jack said well K's mom is coming and we don't know what we'd do without her. I smiled and nodded adding, you need your mother, there's nothing like your own mother. I can't imagine if my mom wasn't coming. I need her to just hug me and give me support. My friend smiled and nodded amiably. As we wound down our conversation I commented on her daughter's pretty middle name and asked its origin. Its after my mother. I smiled, your mom must be so happy. She got quiet, my mom died in a car accident when I was 14 but I'd like to think she's looking down on us and is happy.
Driving home I thought of all the things people have said in my journey of IF and loss from you don't know what you're missing to You're lucky you guys don't have kids they're such a pain! I thought of how these words felt like pinpricks under my fingernails. Today my words hurt someone. I didn't know. But I caused her pain by reminding her of what she does not have, a mother to help guide her as she navigates young motherhood. Sometimes I've felt anger at people who casually remark about fertility and children as though they are undeniable rights and not blessings we are fortunate to have. They don't know either. They are not bad intentioned. Perhaps my unintentional statement to my friend will remind me to be gentle in my thoughts towards those who unintentionally prick me beneath the skin.
You're right. If someone who doesn't know what you're going through, what you've lost and sacrificed in the battle to have a baby, says something that hurts your feelings, we should give greater consideration to the situation before getting upset with them for hurting us. This is a great example of that. None of us knows anyone's complete story and take a risk in hurting someone with what we say or do or by the assumptions we make.
ReplyDeleteStill, there is a difference between those who make innocent remarks, unaware of your predicament, and those who know full well or who have been afforded the opportunity to be part of your full experience but still say hurtful or callous things without thought to how it might hurt you. In those cases, it matters less to me what their intent was. If they know your situation and they care for you, more thought should be given to what they say and do.
An exercise in stepping into someone else's shoes, even just mentally, is an exercise well worth going through. And it goes both ways, doesn't it?
Ouch. You didn't realize it and I'm sure you apologized and asked her forgiveness. We do sometimes in our hurt forget that some comments are unintentional.
ReplyDeleteIt is amazing what this process has done to us - I have to say that I wanted to find a way to find some good out of this - and one of them is seeing what you just described above - your sensitivity is sweet.
ReplyDeleteawwww, that is sad. try not to feel too bad about it though, she is probably quite used to people not knowing that her mom passed away. my husband lost his mother about thirteen years ago and as much as he loved her he knows that people aren't trying to hurt him when they make comments that could be unintentionally hurtful.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful and thought provoking. I'm sure it was some consolation to her that it was so clear how much you appreciate your mother. It always hurts less for me when fertiles appreciate how awesome their children are and how lucky they are as parents.
ReplyDeleteone of my deepest sadnesses in life and in this pregnancy is that my mom is not here to share it with me, hold our baby, care for us, teach me the things i need to know...
ReplyDeleteit really sucks.
and quite honestly, i felt the familiar sensation of jealousy creeping up my limbs as i read your words about your mom being there for you. i'm happy for you. just wish i could have my mom, too.
in this post i appreciated the connection you made to the reality that none of us knows what the other has been through...infertility or loss of any kind. thanks for the poignant reminder, k.
I both went through troubles conceiving and lost my mom 12 years ago. And yeah, it is tough sometimes when people make comments about how difficult their mom is or how she nags them. I can only wish my mom were here and I wonder what it would have been like to see her in the role of Grandma.
ReplyDeleteThat said, try not to be too hard on yourself. I think most people (myself included) make allowances for people who unknowingly say things that hurt. They don't mean to. It's the people who know of a situation and still say hurtful things that get me.
I'm sorry for your friend's loss, and the "oops" comment that you made. You're right, there are many similarities between IF and other grief/loss. But as other commenters pointed out, there is also a matter of context. If it is a kind person who does not know of the situation who makes a remark like that, it will sting less than someone who should know better.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry! I'm sure she knows you didnt mean anything by it.
ReplyDeleteI've had similar thoughts floating around in my head for a while now. The only way I can think that this whole experience has changed me for the better is by making me more aware and sympathetic (or is it empathetic?). Everyone has something. And the people who hurt us? They just don't realize. Even though, often, they should :)
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