When I found out I was pregnant I told myself I would allow myself a baby outfit once I hit the second trimester. Since then I've literally walked into Carter's five times, glanced from side to side like a wary cat and then fled out as fast as I could. I'm not sure why but just being in the baby store made my heart beat faster and I would begin to feel a little nauseous. I began wondering if we'd be bringing my son home in May in a diaper and nothing more. Yesterday I went to an outlet store near my house and decided to once again try it out. One little outfit, I told myself, just one. Baby steps. Well, I was a lot more successful this time:My favorite purchase was a pack of onesies with elephants. As I've said before I feel I'm gestating an elephant so it was fitting to buy a few elephant clothes. It was amazing to show these clothes to Jack. He ran his hand over them and said I feel like we bought these as a gift for someone else. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that this is for our child. I think it was very important for us to do this. Just yesterday Jack mentioned going to a local baby furniture store to browse at cribs, something he refused to even discuss just a week earlier.
He told me our MFM tech helped him change perspective. When I lay there getting the ultrasound I kept firing questions, what's the cervix looking like? How's the amniotic fluid? What percentile is he in? And then she laughed a little and very gently said I know you've been through a lot and I understand that you're scared but what happened before does not predict what will happen. This is your time to enjoy pregnancy and feel excitement at what is to come. Lay back and just look at him, really look at him and let yourself feel happy. And just like that we stopped talking and stared at this little miracle on the screen, sucking his thumb and stretching his legs, his eyes shut tight. For Jack that was his moment, his epiphany to embrace hope and try to work on letting go of the fear that's gripped us by the throat.
We feel like toddlers walking on wobbly legs with this whole hope business, but the more I walk on its path the more sure footed I hope it will feel.