When I found out I was pregnant I told myself I would allow myself a baby outfit once I hit the second trimester. Since then I've literally walked into Carter's five times, glanced from side to side like a wary cat and then fled out as fast as I could. I'm not sure why but just being in the baby store made my heart beat faster and I would begin to feel a little nauseous. I began wondering if we'd be bringing my son home in May in a diaper and nothing more. Yesterday I went to an outlet store near my house and decided to once again try it out. One little outfit, I told myself, just one. Baby steps. Well, I was a lot more successful this time:
My favorite purchase was a pack of onesies with elephants. As I've said before I feel I'm gestating an elephant so it was fitting to buy a few elephant clothes. It was amazing to show these clothes to Jack. He ran his hand over them and said I feel like we bought these as a gift for someone else. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that this is for our child. I think it was very important for us to do this. Just yesterday Jack mentioned going to a local baby furniture store to browse at cribs, something he refused to even discuss just a week earlier.
He told me our MFM tech helped him change perspective. When I lay there getting the ultrasound I kept firing questions, what's the cervix looking like? How's the amniotic fluid? What percentile is he in? And then she laughed a little and very gently said I know you've been through a lot and I understand that you're scared but what happened before does not predict what will happen. This is your time to enjoy pregnancy and feel excitement at what is to come. Lay back and just look at him, really look at him and let yourself feel happy. And just like that we stopped talking and stared at this little miracle on the screen, sucking his thumb and stretching his legs, his eyes shut tight. For Jack that was his moment, his epiphany to embrace hope and try to work on letting go of the fear that's gripped us by the throat.
We feel like toddlers walking on wobbly legs with this whole hope business, but the more I walk on its path the more sure footed I hope it will feel.
You have me tearing up again. I'm so happy for you being in this stage. The stage of "enjoyment." I LOVE what the tech said. What amazing words. I'm jack is coming around to the concept of 'this is really happening so just let it and enjoy it' - it must be very very strange. And fun. Just look at all those cute clothes!
ReplyDeleteumm... thanks, now I'm crying! :) So happy that you are getting to experience this!
ReplyDeleteThis makes me so happy. Hope you enjoyed shopping for your little elephant :)
ReplyDeleteAwesome!!! Good for you guys - it is so scary!!!! The clothes look super cute!
ReplyDeleteThat's so awesome! I'm so glad that you guys are finally able to see the light at the end of the tunnel :) You are going to have a son. (and he will need to be clothed :)
ReplyDeleteI have the BIGGEST smile on my face, thinking about you and Jack really opening up to this pregnancy. I worry about you guys, you know! You deserve to be happy. :)
ReplyDeleteyea! so glad you are letting a little hope creep in! i think i was just about as far along as you are now when i started to believe that we might actually be having a baby. i allowed myself to buy an outfit and then it was sort of like i broke a seal or something, i started buying baby clothes practically every weekend!
ReplyDeleteCute stuff! Your MFM is right, it's time to let hope in. Once you start buying stuff, I think it will start to get easier.
ReplyDeleteYAY! I finally found you.. WHen I wrote you a while back and asked for your new address, I added to my reader, but kept realizing all your posts were password protected. I finally found the password, and lo and behold, you moved. I have a lot to catch up on... But reading this one.. makes me so so so so happy for you! Yes, lay back and enjoy your little miracle..
ReplyDeleteSo great that you're finally in that good place with this pregnancy. The clothes are adorable, and it must be such a relief to feel like maybe you can relax and breathe a little bit, especially now that Jack is in that same place. That MFM tech sounds like a dream. Perfect words at just the right time. Sometimes that's all it takes to trigger a paradigm shift. Bring on the baby shopping!
ReplyDeleteOh, this post has made my hormone crazed self all teary eyed and joyful. I love what your tech said and am so glad that you and Jack were able to set aside your fear to listen and enjoy. Each day adds a little more happiness.
ReplyDeleteWONDERFUL!!! I am thrilled for you guys. And I love elephants. Bobby and Maya are covered in them, LOL
ReplyDeleteBless your sonogram technician!! I wish someone had said that to me in such a manner that I would have listened when I was pregnant!
ReplyDeleteChallenges and losses can take away the ability to enjoy your pregnancy -- if you let it. I let it come close! If I had a nickle for every time I've told someone to make sure they enjoy their pregnancy I'd be a millionaire! :) The only regret I have is that I didn't enjoy those 9 months more.
I thought if I got to take mine home, I'd have no nursery or clothes or anything :)
Congratulations!! Enjoy your shopping! You deserve it!