Friday, January 8, 2010


I remember driving to school with my mom at twelve. Why do people have kids? I asked. They are expensive and they are a lot of work. My mother responded because you love them. I shook my head at this, you can love your husband and its not nearly as much work. If I don't have kids that would be allright with me. My mother slammed the brakes and turned to me. In an even voice she said be careful what you say, you never know when God is listening and decides to agree with you.

At 20 I remember my roommate saying you'll probably have ten kids since you're a teacher and love kids so much. I laughed and responded, Nah, the good thing with teaching is at the end of the day you give them back to their parents.

I remember being 22 and sitting across the table from Jack after our first month of marriage as we stared at the pregnancy test waiting for it to portend our future. I felt scared. I'm too young, I thought. I don't want kids right now! When it confirmed negative, I could have sank to the floor with relief.

When I remember these things I wonder what kind of parent would I have been if I got pregnant with ease. Would I have been like the lady I saw at Target yesterday, sporting a tiny bump and a frustrated expression as she shopped for baby clothes, snapping at her husband at what a chore this was to do. Would I resent my children? Would I have less patience?

I used to visit my birth month club to see what other women in my due date month were talking about, but the conversations about being devastated and in denial about the gender of their babies, annoyance at their baby kicking too much and other similar topics that just left me feeling cold.

Maybe I would have been that way too though if motherhood came easy. I once thought motherhood was my right, something I could take for granted. This struggle has taught me its a privilege, an honor, a blessing. It has taught me that children are not doled out to the worthy and the entitled, the method with which we are given this blessing is one that still eludes me today.

I know not all fertiles take their pregnancies for granted or don't appreciate what they have, but I do wonder had I been able to conceive with ease what kind of parent I would have been. I know the sleepless nights will still be hard, and the breastfeeding will still frustrate me, but I'd like to think that my struggles will at least give me the benefit of being able to appreciate what I have all the more.


  1. Beautiful post, Kate.

    Sunflower is so loved. He's going to be the light of your life.

  2. man, after all we went through to get this baby i wish i could say i love every kick, but i don't, she has been working my ribs over and it hurts!!! but i still love her more than anything, i just hope the next six weeks go quickly!

  3. Thanks Meg :)

    Katery, I'm probably at the gentle kicking stage as are all the other mother's I think in the May2010 club. I'd say at your stage the babe can actually BREAK a rib so..... that I think is justifiable complaint!

  4. her feet are all up in my business! i am just so happy that you and your little sunflower are doing well!

  5. I love this post. It's a nice little journey thorugh which we get to know you better - the old you, the new you, and it reminds me of myself. I was the same way - who would want kids?! I was waaaay to selfish with my time and I would fully admit it. I too had a relief of a bfn in my college days. But I swear for all the hell that we've been going through, this process of struggle does change us as mothers for the better. I say that generically because I have yet to become a mother that gets to realize the full benefits. And of course I may never get there. But I know it's true and will be for you and sunflower.

  6. This is a beautiful post. Promise you'll save it and let Sunflower read it someday.

  7. I ask that too... I have so little patience for the message boards where people complain about gender... All I could ever think of was "babies die- and they care about penis vs vagina???" I wonder, would I have been that way too had life been different?

  8. I love this post! It's amazing what people don't appreciate.