I met up with two friends for lunch. At this point I either look a) pregnant or b) like I stuffed a basketball up my shirt, but my friends said nothing so I cleared my throat and made the announcement. I've waited to utter these words for well over two years but it was so weird to say those words out loud. The more people I tell the more real it begins to feel and the more real it feels the more vulnerable I feel but- they were so happy for me, and started talking about a baby shower. I told them I wasn't sure if I'd have one and when they asked why I felt my stomach tighten as I inched my way out of the closet.
Sometimes I feel I live two separate lives. There's the K who in 2009 pursued her writing dream, ate at nice restaurants with friends and took fun vacations. Then there's the other K, the one who sank to the bottom of the ocean in 2009 and is still not quite sure how and why she is still floating. It felt strange to breach the divide, to let people through the veil I hold between what I reveal and what I fully am. Voicing outloud that I am infertile, I have PCOS and I lost two pregnancies felt like I lay my heart on the table for everyone to see.
I had planned to come out and I don't regret it. Its important on so many levels. Silence equals at worst taboo, at best, shame. Infertilty and loss deserve neither. I never know who I might come out to who will one day be able to turn to me. I know at least five people in my community who have suffered IF but we don't talk about it, we talk around it. It has to stop so I may as well begin the process. I admit when I didn't know I had fertility issues I never understood how painful infertility was. I thought it would be sad if I could not have children but I didn't know until I faced the possibility of childlessness how deep the abyss of grief could be. Putting a face to infertility will hopefully help fertile friends see the issue on a human level rather than an abstract concept.
On a more selfish level, I want people to know how big this is for me. All pregnancies are a huge and miraculous but for me this miracle is so profound- that it could happen to me- I'm without words.
I'm not planning to discuss my infertility at light dinner gatherings because talk about party pooper! But- when I discuss my pregnancy with friends on a personal level I plan to tell. I will admit its not the most comfortable feeling to say outloud what I've kept buried so deep within, but its important to do, so I will.