This pregnancy is like a smooth long-haul flight…we know that flying is generally safe, but we’re the jumpy passengers that freak everyone else out. Every rumble of turbulence makes us thing we’re going down.My best friend has babies on command. She decides and then she is. A month after me she got pregnant on her first try. Two days before her first OB visit she casually mentioned how her symptoms were not as strong. I said nothing but felt my heart panic. When she returned from the visit she told me about her husband's nightmare through traffic, her funny doctor, and I had to interrupt her shouting but did they hear a heartbeat!?! She was quiet for a second and I could practically hear her rolling her eyes, yes!
I'm a jumpy passenger and lately I've realized I'm one of those people who tend to read scary stories of other people's flights and then wondering if my flight path will be the same. I read a few blogs about people who lost babies at 23 weeks and felt my chest constrict as tears slipped down my face. My cousin's wife just delivered a baby one month early, and suddenly my round ligament pain feels ominous. I find myself googling a few times each night about preterm birth. A lot of mothers who have lost babies to preterm birth say to trust your instincts about something being wrong but I'm flinching and jumping constantly. I don't know if I even have instincts when it comes to this anymore, just fear. This is not to say I'm not enjoying the pregnancy. To some degree I am. I love seeing my belly move when he does pilates, and I love listening to his heartbeat and watching my belly expand with each passing day. I love him so much and this love brings with it fear. I long to be like Susan at Sprogblogger who got the beautiful two lines and is already ecstatic, choosing joy over fear. In the alternative, I long for May, beautiful sweet May of budding flowers and chirping birds and my son: safe, healthy, happy in my arms.