Despite becoming more hopeful these past few weeks, I had trouble sleeping last night. Part of me wondered if now that I let my guard down, would the fears become real? It would just figure me getting all hopeful would jinx everything. Thankfully so far my theory has been disproved. I'm pleased to report all is ho-hum in the womb area. The tech did a few 3D shots which honestly kinda freaked me out! Cervix is long and closed, amniotic fluid is as it should be and my little sunflower weighed in at 1 pound 10 ounces and is measuring 25w2d, three days ahead of schedule. He's head down so the cervix hits I get are apparently head bumps. When we saw him he was sucking his thumb and giving me soccer kicks. She said he has long legs so I might get a long baby in May. All in all he measured in the 47% percentile which is average so I can't complain. The doppler and these visits are what keep me sane.
Dr. MFM is awesome and after having rotated with so many subpar doctors it was just nice to talk to him. At my OB visit I brought Dr. M my Nordic Cod Liver Oil to ask if I could take it and instead of answering my question, she wrote me a prescription for DHA supplements which I didn't want. Dr. MFM checked it and said it was fine to take. I discussed all my questions that Dr. M was too hurried to answer with Dr. MFM and he rocks. If an OB one day stumbles upon this site I hope they can learn to not condescend to their patients and to respect that they may also know what they're talking about. Though you know more than me, I will listen to you a lot better if you respect me as a person while we talk.
Anyhoo! We discussed my 28 week gestational diabetes test and he said some people carb it up a few days before the test and then eat no carbs the day before the test and pass it. Which leaves me confused. With a PCOS history and GD in my family, I likely will have GD but should I try to beat the test? If I have it, don't I want to treat it, not do a temporary fix before a test only to have my levels rise up again? I'm assuming there is some harm in having GD hence the testing.
Driving home, Jack and I reflected how one year ago we were still TTC. One year ago I had not known Speck. My next OB visit is February 20, the day I found out I was pregnant. I will become full term April 13, the day I lost Speck. He turned to me and said when Speck died, something in me left with him. I feel like there is a hole that will never be filled but I know when I see our son I will see what Speck and Bug might have been. I felt tears form in my own eyes. I am grateful for this pregnancy and I love this little boy but just like Jack there remains a crater somewhere within. I love Speck and Bug. Loving Sunflower does not negate the occassional heavy heart I feel over what could have been.