Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Emerging

I can't believe I'm in the second week of parenthood. It has been an incredible ride so far. I can tell you about his cute little toes and how they curl when we bathe him. Or how he smiles in his sleep and the way his hair is so silky soft I can't stop touching it. This is all true but I also want to be honest and tell you I've also been experiencing what they term the 'baby blues'. I'm scared to admit that on an IF blog since I know I have what all of us want, a healthy happy baby. He is just that, he is the answer to my prayers, I could not have asked for a better baby and yet- I've struggled with the baby blues and I'm praying that they will not escalate into the scary PPD. I'm scared to talk about it because I don't want you to judge me, but at the same time, I remember Mel once said that IFers have higher rates of depression post-baby than other populations and maybe the reason is because we don't talk about it and when we don't talk about it the dark thoughts fester and spread like cancer.

I have the usual weepiness over small things which I hear all mothers have. I also have a root canal issue I'm trying to resolve which doesn't help. But the biggest struggle has been breastfeeding. Namely- I hate it. And this both shocks and depresses the shit out of me. I dreamed of breastfeeding him. I was one of those people nuts for breastfeeding. So far- he hasn't taken an ounce of formula but the act of breastfeeding is triggering my blues. I have what seems to be good supply, he latches well, but I find myself weeping almost every other time I feed him. I can't figure out why. I thought breastfeeding triggered happy feelings but for me it triggers tears.

Jack met a girl to buy an edger off Craigslist and as they small talked she told him she was a lactation consultant. Of all the careers right? She also worked at my pediatricians office. She told Jack to tell me to call her. I did and she told me its hard at first but after six weeks it gets easier. She gave me advice about feeding and this helped, I took it as a sign from God that I needed to keep going and it helped to feel this way for about a day- but then today, I again wanted to cry each time I had to feed him.

I want to enjoy Sunflower. I waited SO long for him and yet this breastfeeding thing is taking over everything. It's taking away my joy. Today I just at the dinner table and wept for nearly an hour about the guilt I feel at not liking it. Jack and my mom are urging me to just stop but how can I when its the best possible thing for him? I tell myself in six weeks it will be easier but right now six weeks feels far away and I don't want to wish away six weeks, I want to enjoy this child I waited for so long!

I don't mind pumping- its annoying sure, but it doesn't trigger the same emotions and again- I can't tell you why. I'm experimenting for tomorrow and will pump and bottle feed him during the day and see how that goes. (Again- irrational as it sounds I don't mind breastfeeding him at night). I know that pumping mostly instead of direct breastfeeding can affect supply in the long run but maybe it can help me hang on longer than it would otherwise.

If that doesn't help I'm so confused. I feel such guilt considering formula so I feel stuck in a catch-22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I'm just afraid that this issue will spiral and I might get postpartum. I don't have that right now. I'm not depressed, but I'm frustrated and stressed and weepy about this issue.

I want to do what's best for him. I know my milk is best for him. And yet the act of feeding is affecting me in ways I never knew it could.

19 comments:

  1. I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. Keep in mind that a happy mommy means a happy baby. Do not strain yourself to be this other people's image of a perfect mother. You are Sunflower's mother and you must do what it is best for you and your baby.
    The hormones are still to blame for the baby blues, I think. And there is not one darn thing you can do about them, except to wait for them to leave your system.
    Try to do what is best for you, and if this means formula, than so be it. Don't fall for the traps set by other people's ideas, you need to work out the way that makes you and your family happy.
    You are doing great! You just don't know it yet! ;-) Chin up and let them worries go bother someone else. (I know, easier said than done...)
    *big HUGS*

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  2. You are amazing - your honesty is amazing - and I give you all the credit in the world. It does get easier - the first 2-3 weeks are the hardest - hormones all over the place - and the "blues" are normal - everything I have read said that unless it is severe, they do not even talk to people about it unless it lasts for more than 6 weeks.

    I am pretty much exclusively pumping - and it is so time consuming - but, like you, I feel too much guilt thinking about giving them formula - especially since I gave Spice some for his breast milk jaundice and he was constipated and miserable...I was a formula baby and lots of my friends give their babies formulas - and they are smart, funny, amazing babies - if it is what makes you happier, it is worth it - and Sunflower will be happy too.

    ((HUGS))

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  3. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice, yet, but I can imagine all the emotions that are connected with you and breastfeeding! Do what is best for you and the baby and don't let anyone try to sway you!

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  4. Oh K, I'm so very sorry you're going through this. Here's my two cents. I'm a "nut for breastfeeding" too, but you know what? If that's what's triggering this horrible anxiety, sadness, fear, then don't do it. Formula is not evil, it's not a cop out. And what's best for your baby is his mama's health and happiness - not whether he gets his calories from breast or from bottle.

    If pumping during the day doesn't prompt the same feelings, then by all means pump during the day - shoot - that way other folks can help out with the baby feedings which might also help. And if it affects your supply and you end up going to formula, you'll STILL be doing what's best for your baby and for you. In short, you need to feel ok about doing whatever you need to do in order to feel good, and to start feeling like yourself again. Seriously. WHATEVER IT TAKES.

    Thinking of you, sweetie, and impressed - as always - with your bravery, your honesty, and your willingness to share your life with the rest of us.

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  5. Honey, you should never be ashamed of feeling the baby blues or PPD. A dear friend of mine who battled infertility and loss was so ashamed she waited to get treatment and now says she doesnt remember the first three months of her daughter's life. It's okay. You have nothing to be ashamed of. IF takes soooo much out of us; loss takes even more. It's no wonder that, when our babies are delivered healthy, we finally break.

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  6. I'm with sprogblogger. If your supply is fine and you don't feel bad pumping, by all means pump and bottle feed during the day. If you're pumping every 2-3h, your supply ought to be ok. Feeling blue and anxious won't help with the milk supply either. Really, what your son needs is a happy Mom, not a saint!

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  7. I have no advice... sorry, but I do have lots of virtural hugs!

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  8. I second what everyone else said regarding pumping and doing whatever makes you happy and healthy. I hated breatsfeeding at first too. And I was really surprised by that, which I think made it harder to deal with. And like you I felt I needed to hang in there for my baby. So I gave myself little goals. I couldn't STAND the thought of having to do it for a whole year. So I broke it down into weeks or even days - that made it doable. And I had my husband start taking some feedings - using pumped breast milk or formula - so that I could sleep or read or just not have a baby attached to my boobs for a minute. And now I'm doing pretty okay with it. But its so much harder than I ever expected. I look back on those first couple of months and call them "the dark times." Its wonderful and amazing and hard and awful all at the same time. But it does get better.

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  9. One of my friends had the same issue when she gave birth almost six weeks ago except on top of all that she wasn't producing enough and her daughter would be hungry a few hours later again. She was not in a happy place and she did share it with me. After she saw the lactation consultant things got easier and they continue to get easier each day.

    Know that you're not alone in feeling like that and it's NORMAL! Hopefully things will get better - she was ready to give up at the six week mark if she wasn't feeling better about BF but she is doing much better and is happy she set small goals.

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  10. First, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I just wanted to say ((hugs)) and you are not the only one that doesn't like breastfeeding. I personally don't like it at all. It makes me feel uncomfortable and baby V is tongue-tied and not able to latch deeply enough to breastfeed effectively. He was losing too much weight which led us to supplement him with formula. Now I am just pumping every 2-3 hours and bottlefeeding. I have no desire to even try and put him to my breast. I am not sure if I dislike breastfeeding because I feel like a failure in that I am not able to feed my son adequately but I knew going into this I wanted to pump and bottlefeed, just because.

    You are being way too hard on yourself!! You need to be happy and as stressfree as you can be, even if that means giving yourself a break and formula feeding him sometimes or all of the time. Formula is not poison by the way....

    Please take it easy and don't feel guilty. You are doing great!! Try to enjoy every moment you can and don't put so much stress on yourself.

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  11. I had a lot of problems breastfeeding -- poor supply, lots of pain. I pumped for four months and then went to formula, and I have never felt so guilty over anything -- but then I started looking into the research on breastfeeding, and while it is best, it's not SO much better that anyone should beat themselves up over not being able to do it. It's way more important for you to be happy and be able to enjoy feeding your baby.

    http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/7311/1/

    Hope it helps.

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  12. I am SO sorry that you are struggling with breastfeeding. I have to comment quickly because I need to be off to my 6-week PP OB appointment... but I wanted to say that I *hated* breastfeeding at first. For about 3 months. I actually resented it, even as I was determined to make it work. Then slowly after that, each month, I disliked it less / liked it more. By the time we hit one year, I *loved* it. We went another 6 months and only weaned at 18 months because I was pregnant (his choice, milk not good anymore).

    I will just encourage you to hang in there and keep going. Right now, in the moment, breastfeeding seems like EVERYTHING. It has taken over your life. But as the weeks pass, your nursing relationship will change quite a bit. And remember the first three weeks after you have a baby are hormone hell -- my "assvice" is to make weekly goals (like you did when you were pregnant). I promise you, it will get easier and better soon. Promise, promise, promise!!

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  13. p.s. my sister pumped exclusively and she had no shortage of milk, she had a ton stockpiled in the freezer, even after she weened her kids when they were a year old she still had leftover.

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  14. omg i wrote you a big long comment before that one, did you get it? i hope so. email me if you want to talk about the baby blues.

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  15. I saw this article in a doctor's office waiting room about pumping and bottle feeding. Coincidental that I saw it just this afternoon after reading your blog this morning. http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1971243,00.html Hope it helps! Hang in there and do what's best for you and Sunflower.

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  16. I wish I had some wonderful words of advice for you. All I can say is, do what feels right. If pumping is more comfortable, then do that. If breastfeeding is pushing you into depression, than maybe formula is what's best in your case. I know how much guilt you must feel about all of this, but in the end, you have to be emotionally healthy in order to provide the best care for Sunflower.

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  17. I just came across this website and thought of you:

    http://www.d-mer.org/

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  18. Hey K, I am only getting about 2 ounces per pumping session too. I have read that pumping every 2 hours is key to producing more milk and drinking lots of water. I am also drinking Mother's Milk to hopefully produce more. So far I am having to give formula too. My supply is slightly low due to V's inability to transfer milk. I am seeing a lactation specialitst Monday so I will ask her and let you know what she says ;)

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  19. Oh and pumping for 20 min too.

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