Monday, May 24, 2010

Done Waiting

I'm trying to take this feeding thing one day at a time. Each day is the day we're going to try the formula to see how he reacts but each day I end up rushing to squeeze another pumping session in. I only get a max of 2-3 oz per session. I heard I should pump at night to maintain supply but I can't bring myself to do it so I either directly nurse him at night or use a saved bottle of milk. If I go too long without nursing or pumping I wake up a disgusting leaky mess but its difficult to figure out how to choose between that or getting some precious drops of sleep in.

People keep telling me to stick with it and after three months it will get better. No. No. No. I will take it one day at a time. I can manage that but I am not waiting for three months. You see, I am done waiting. I waited a long time to get pregnant. I waited a long time to have this baby but now Sunflower is here. I'm swimming in his beautiful glossy eyes. His silky soft hair. His soft baby skin. I'm inhaling his baby smell as I soothe his cries by cuddling him against my body. He's beautiful and perfect and I waited a long time for him. I can hardly believe I saw him when he looked like a shrimp, then a peanut, then a skeleton waving hello. It was a long wait to meet him and now? I'm done waiting. I'm focusing on living and enjoying each moment. I refuse to stare at calendars any longer and miss out on a thing and what that means for my breastfeeding success is secondary to enjoying this miracle of mine in the here and now.

12 comments:

  1. What kmina said. Seriously - your best gift to your boy is your happiness. That sounds trite, but it's really true. And however you get to that happiness is a good thing.

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  2. you do whatever you have to do, whatever is right for you and sunflower is what is right, don't let anyone tell you any different.

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  3. hooray, i can leave you comments again!!!

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  4. I love this post. I agree that living in the moment and appreciating him now that he is finally here is brilliant. I'm with you. I waited and watched calendars long enough and now I will just cherish my time with them each day.

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  5. I love this attitude. Good for you and congratulations on being in a place where you can finally say 'screw waiting.' No more is right. You deserve to indulge in all the good and let the bad just roll away. It's inspiring to know that this kind of feeling really can take hold, I find myself wondering if I am doomed to live a life of never enjoying where I'm at. But I have a feeling I do have that capacity and have just been dealt an unfortunate hand over the last couple years. Glad to see there is hope.

    -Astrid

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  6. I take it one feeding/one pump at a time. Thinking about doing it for longer overwhelms me. Sometimes that is all we can do. ((HUGS))

    FYI - if you do not pump at night, your supply will plummet...if you think that it may be something you want to keep trying, I just thought I would let you know...now that my supply is established, I can go 5-6 hours without pumping (read sleep for more than 3 hours) and still be okay - in the beginning, I tried to pump every 3 hours.

    Pumping and breast feeding is challenging - you are an amazing mom whether you give him breast milk or formula. ((MORE HUGS))

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  7. Good for you! The best thing you can do is roll with it and soak in every second! :)

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  8. I just found your blog and wanted to say a huge congratulations on your wonderful new bundle of joy :) And agreed, focus on him being so gloriously perfect :) Breastfeeding/expresing/bottle - whatever it takes. I had a terrible supply and struggled for 6 months. I'm so glad that my personal guilt trip is over and I'm back to just enjoying my DD without the trappings :) I needed to be more like you!! :)

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  9. 2-3oz is great! You're doing well and have the right attitude.

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  10. K, I actually don't leak, not sure why. I do pump once in the middle of the night while my husband feeds him formula. I shoot to pump 8-9 times during the day and once in the middle of the night. I give V formula at night because I can only provide him about 75% of BM right now. It is easier to carry the bottles of water upstairs and just add the powder in when he wants it.

    I carry a small cooler upstairs at night with ice packs in it. I store the BM that I pump at night into the cooler and also the falanges so that I don't have to get up and wash/sterilize them until morning. Also BM is good out for 8 hours.

    Prolaction levels are effected between the hours of 1-5 AM. So, if you pump between that time you are more than likely to boost your supply or so I have read. Nature is friggen cruel huh??

    Here is a support board for exclusively pumping moms that I have been reading and have joined. I am viktorsMom77. There is a wealth of information on there.

    Also, the lactation consultant recommended to me to drink Mother's Milk Tea and to take Fenugreek capsules 3 caps 3x a day to boost milk if I was going to EP.

    It is hard but I am happy with my decision to EP.

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