Tuesday, May 4, 2010

3 more days- random scatterbrained thoughts

Last night a major storm passed through. The thunder was so loud it shook the house and woke Sunflower. It was incredible. One second my eyes flutter open to the flashing light and the loud crack of thunder and the next I hear little feet kicking and squirming followed by hiccups. I rubbed my belly in the dark as rain hit the windows, talking to him in a soothing voice, and just like that the movements slowed and then, silence. It worked. I soothed him.

It hit me again that there's a real person in there. A person who, though in utero found comfort in me. I'm scared of a C-section because I won't be able to hold him right away. And I'm the one he'll most likely recognize. I'm scared if we miss out on those first few moments we'll miss vital bonding time, that maybe the right hormones won't release from me and somehow I might feel distant from my son. I've read that C-Sections can trigger PPD and that scares me too since I know it can happen to anyone, no matter how wanted the baby is.

I'm at a more peaceful place right now but I've had moments of sheer terror today. Not about the labor but the aftermath of raising him. I have a lot of ideas of the kind of parent I want to be and I'm getting scared of how I'll actually do it. I was raised with no television for the first few years of my life, and didn't know what cartoons were until I went to Kindergarten. I want the same for my child but I watch a lot of TV. I want my child not to have to struggle with his weight and to be healthy but I eat a lot of crappy food. Do I tell him to do as I say, not as I do? I am planning to stop these things and Jack is planning to cut our cable when our contract ends in December- but will we do it? Will we be able to become the perfect people we need to be? The perfect people this baby deserves?

I'm trying to not think so much. I'm trying to just live in this moment. I wonder if its infertility that is making me think so much about all of this. Had I simply been able to get and stay pregnant at will would all this feel much more matter of fact for me?

And because I said this is a scatterbrained post, when I realized the title of this post is three more days, it reminded me of my favorite singer Ray LaMontagne, and a song he has by just that name [and no, it has nothing to do with babies!]


  1. i know it's scary but it will be ok, i don't think you will have to have a c-section, but even if you do you will be able to hold your baby after they stitch you up, it only takes 30-40 minutes. i know that my experience with ppd might freak you out a little BUT... i had a really high tolerance to pain meds because of all the crap i was on for the last couple months of my pregnancy, because of that they couldn't get my pain under control and i didn't even see louise, much less hold her, until the next day. you are not going to have that problem, because even if you DO end up having a c-section, they will stitch you up and give you your pain meds which will work just fine for you since you don't have a tolerance to them, and then, before you know it, sunflower will be in your arms. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

  2. You would be surprised at how fast you are able to hold your baby after a c-section. With mine I was able to touch and kiss them right after they were pulled from me, then they were quickly cleaned up, evaluated, swaddled, and brought right back to me. My husband held them until the stitching was done and then they were put in their bassinette and wheeled into the recovery room with me where I was able to hold them for as long as I wanted. I even held them while they brought me to my room.

    I didn;t experience PPD at all. Quite the contrary. I have enjoyed every single second of having my twins in my life - even the late nights of having to feed both or when they both cry... You have to remember that there will be good times and bad, and I think the key is just knowing this and rolling with the punches. Be thankful every moment of every day :) You will be an incredible mother...

  3. Hey sweetie,

    Don't worry about a C-section. While one should be prepared to deal with the after effects if one is necessary, know that many women have a quick & easy recovery from surgery and are able to hold their child right after the surgery.

    In my case it was complicated by sheer exhaustion from 89 hours of labor & problems during & after surgery that prevented me from being able to interact properly with Bean for days. But that certainly is not the case for most women.

    Bonding isn't always instant, regardless of how babies come into the world. Many of my friends who had C-sections or vaginal births say it was around weeks 4-6 that they started falling in love with their child. For others, it is faster.

    Personally I felt more duty, affection, & responsibility to take care of Bean rather than love. Now, at 8 weeks, it is a ferocious mother love, but it took time to develop. Now I'm captivated by everything he "says" or does. :)

    As for being a perfect parent, you won't be. As Momma Zen said, you will make mistakes. What matters is what you learn from them and that every morning you make a commitment to making the day the best it can be.

    Just take one day at a time and you & Jack will be fine. Kids certainly do make us aspire to our highest selves so it's a balance between forgiving oneself for inevitable mistakes and continuing to strive to be better.

    Be gentle with yourself - you are going to be a great Mama, iA!

    So much love & many prayers coming your way sweetheart - it's almost time to meet Sunflower! :)

    Love you,

  4. Don't worry about being perfect. Set some reasonable rules and go with it. I too watch a lot of TV, but plan to only let K watch max 1 hour a day like I did when I was little.
    I struggle with healthy eating too, but plan to make my own baby food, and I think my diet will improve as I plan a balanced diet for K.
    Even if you have a C/S in the end, there's no medical reason sunflower shouldn't be put on your chest/shoulder while they're closing. Try not to worry!

  5. You also have to wait even after a vaginal delivery. Viktor had to go under the lights and have oxygen (he was blue for awhile). I got to look at him because they had him in the same room with me, but I still had to wait to hold him and until the doctor finished stitching me up and delivering the placenta.

    ((hugs)) Parenting will come naturally to you. You worry too much! Just do what feels right and it WILL be right.

  6. You're going to do beautifully. Just try to go in with as few expectations and possible and try to go with the flow. There are things that you're just not going to be able to control and you've got to just be ready for that. If you are prepared for things to happen the way they're going to happen you'll have a lot easier time mentally (I say that as a complete control freak who micro manages everything!). I'm so excited for you sweetie! ((hugs))

  7. Aw that's a sweet story about soothing him! I'm sure you'll be wonderful, outstanding parents. Just remember you are human and are allowed to make mistakes. :)

  8. I too had a C-section, and got to hold my baby right after they cleaned him a little, that was only about 3 minutes after the took him out! Dont worry, whatever happens everything will be ok, what´s important is to get a healthy baby!!! =)