I've read your comments at least three times, its given me comfort to know that its okay to feel the way I do about breastfeeding. In case someone comes across this blog looking for information, I wanted to share the articles people left in the comments that I found fascinating and have helped me make sense of what I'm going through.
Anonymous shared this article about the studies about breastfeeding. While perhaps better than formula the over hype may be unwarranted.
Suzanne Jones (can't seem to link to your blog!) shared this about the rise of women pumping exclusively. This made me feel so much better.
Alyssa shared this website about a condition called Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reaction, an emerging condition that is being researched where a breastfeeding woman has a drop in dopamine due to the act of feeding which triggers negative emotions just like I've been feeling.
Yesterday I pumped exclusively all day and felt like a fog was lifted from me. I could enjoy my baby without the hormones clogging up space. I didn't celebrate just yet because I couldn't be sure if I was out of the woods.
At night though, when I planned to breastfeed him, he grew frustrated and cried so much trying to eat, probably because a bottle is much easier and he had gotten used to it. Eventually he ate but it took a long ten minutes to get to that point. I began wondering if I needed to breastfeed him more so he didn't lose the ability. . . so today I breastfed him before going to the dentist and all the emotions bubbled up again. It's like an instant reflex, feed = blues. But then, at the dentist I began missing him and despite wearing breast pads I was a leaking mess. When I got home he was hungry and I didn't have time to pump so I fed him directly and did not have the negative emotions. It could because the emotion of missing him was stronger.
Jack was talking with a colleague who used to be a lactation consultant (It is SO weird that he keeps meeting lactation consultants) and she said for some women there is an instant trigger of tears with breastfeeding, particularly women with good supply, and that it can take a month or more to resolve that and she said I'd naturally want to breastfeed more than pump as time went by. I don't know if that's true or not but its nice to think so.
It feels weird to pump, clean the pump and bottle, feed him from the bottle. I'm adding steps that don't need to be there but at least now its what works. I literally fantasize about going to Costco and buying buckets of formula. I sit and just visualize it and smile. It would be easier but I've heard this is the hardest time so I feel determined to push through. . .
You are such a good mom already - whatever decision you make - it is apparent how much you love him.
ReplyDeleteYou are lucky to have such a good supply ;). I personally prefer to bottle feed. I prefer breastmilk and am trying like heck to provide it for him. But, I too am sick of the crying jags and the depression and emotions breastfeeding brings along with it.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Whatever you choose to do is the RIGHT thing for you and baby.
I sterilize nothing. Warm soap and water to clean parts and bottles. I keep the pump parts except tubing and machine in the fridge between sessions, since cleaning them is a real pain. Wash them every 1-2 days. Is much more manageable.
ReplyDeleteIt's totally normal to feel this way - I had these feelings with each of my three children while in the early weeks of breastfeeding. I ended up taking a very low dose of an antidepressant after each of their births, and for the months that followed, and thought every day for the month after their births about quitting breastfeeding. What was surprising to me was despite BFing my first child for 15 mos, and having ended up having a wonderful breastfeeding experience, those hormones had me convinced with my second son that I should just quit. What's especially hard is that moms and husbands just want you to feel better, and even when they know how important BFing is to the mother, the quickest fix would be to quit, when you're obviously suffering. But if you can at all persevere, and take it day by day, instead of looking way ahead to the six week mark (which seems like an eternity away to you right now, I'm sure), you will slowly but surely make some progress, gain more confidence in yourself as a mother, and you'll hopefully start getting some more rest which is so critical to your emotional well-being. Good luck to you, and hang in there! -Carrie
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you feel better! One day at a time!
ReplyDeleteIt may not seem like it now, but it will get easier. With Lemy we had a lot of issues with BFing at first, so I pumped exclusively for the first 6 weeks. Then at that point we tried again and we found a rhythm. I BFd her for 14 months mainly because I really enjoyed that time and I'm way too lazy to get up and make a bottle. I'd BF for that reason alone! ;) Hang in there and do what works for you. ((hugs))
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