I've known my OB for over two years now and today she had some time to talk to me and Jack and it was funny how she's got me figured out. I know its scary but you can't control the labor process, she said. You've researched, you're informed, but ultimately this baby will decide when he comes and how he comes. Maybe its being the eldest who was responsible for resolving my parents arguments, and watching my brothers, and being a teacher- but I do feel like I need to hold on, I need to carry it even if it is something I can't control.
But I can't control labor. And today when she swept my membranes and I felt the strongest most painful contraction of my life I had no thoughts but the pain. In that moment there was no ability nor desire to control just a desire to simply to get through the moment. And that's when the obvious concept hit me again, this is what its all about, its a series of moments that make up a life.
I've allowed my mind free reign to roam with worry and fear because I thought I'll stop worrying once Sunflower arrives. But I'm beginning to think that the worries will not go away, they will simply morph and take new shape. I will make mistakes but it does no good to anticipate what they will be. I will feel confused and frustrated at times but those moments are not today. I need to stop looking so far ahead because I will lose sight of the now.
If you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll recognize these thoughts since I'm constantly reigning myself in from letting fear fill my house with helium balloons and float me away. I guess I'm just a work in progress but I know what I need to work on. Slowly I think I'll get there.
I may have shared this poem before. I'm going to take it with me when I go into labor:
Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.
Don’t try to see through the distances.
That’s not for human beings.
Move within, but don’t move the way fear makes you move.