I can't believe I'm in the second week of parenthood. It has been an incredible ride so far. I can tell you about his cute little toes and how they curl when we bathe him. Or how he smiles in his sleep and the way his hair is so silky soft I can't stop touching it. This is all true but I also want to be honest and tell you I've also been experiencing what they term the 'baby blues'. I'm scared to admit that on an IF blog since I know I have what all of us want, a healthy happy baby. He is just that, he is the answer to my prayers, I could not have asked for a better baby and yet- I've struggled with the baby blues and I'm praying that they will not escalate into the scary PPD. I'm scared to talk about it because I don't want you to judge me, but at the same time, I remember Mel once said that IFers have higher rates of depression post-baby than other populations and maybe the reason is because we don't talk about it and when we don't talk about it the dark thoughts fester and spread like cancer.
I have the usual weepiness over small things which I hear all mothers have. I also have a root canal issue I'm trying to resolve which doesn't help. But the biggest struggle has been breastfeeding. Namely- I hate it. And this both shocks and depresses the shit out of me. I dreamed of breastfeeding him. I was one of those people nuts for breastfeeding. So far- he hasn't taken an ounce of formula but the act of breastfeeding is triggering my blues. I have what seems to be good supply, he latches well, but I find myself weeping almost every other time I feed him. I can't figure out why. I thought breastfeeding triggered happy feelings but for me it triggers tears.
Jack met a girl to buy an edger off Craigslist and as they small talked she told him she was a lactation consultant. Of all the careers right? She also worked at my pediatricians office. She told Jack to tell me to call her. I did and she told me its hard at first but after six weeks it gets easier. She gave me advice about feeding and this helped, I took it as a sign from God that I needed to keep going and it helped to feel this way for about a day- but then today, I again wanted to cry each time I had to feed him.
I want to enjoy Sunflower. I waited SO long for him and yet this breastfeeding thing is taking over everything. It's taking away my joy. Today I just at the dinner table and wept for nearly an hour about the guilt I feel at not liking it. Jack and my mom are urging me to just stop but how can I when its the best possible thing for him? I tell myself in six weeks it will be easier but right now six weeks feels far away and I don't want to wish away six weeks, I want to enjoy this child I waited for so long!
I don't mind pumping- its annoying sure, but it doesn't trigger the same emotions and again- I can't tell you why. I'm experimenting for tomorrow and will pump and bottle feed him during the day and see how that goes. (Again- irrational as it sounds I don't mind breastfeeding him at night). I know that pumping mostly instead of direct breastfeeding can affect supply in the long run but maybe it can help me hang on longer than it would otherwise.
If that doesn't help I'm so confused. I feel such guilt considering formula so I feel stuck in a catch-22. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I'm just afraid that this issue will spiral and I might get postpartum. I don't have that right now. I'm not depressed, but I'm frustrated and stressed and weepy about this issue.
I want to do what's best for him. I know my milk is best for him. And yet the act of feeding is affecting me in ways I never knew it could.