Thursday, May 6, 2010

Nope- not even close

I ended up at L&D. We waited five hours to be seen by a doctor. My contractions measured at 8-10 minutes apart. Despite the herbal pills, the long walks, the eggplant, the membrane sweeping, the bloody show, my cervix is thick, way far up, and I am still only 1cm dilated. The on call OB did not know my history so said go home and we'll schedule you for an induction at maybe 41 or 42 weeks because you're not even close to being ready. And then he looked at my chart and said never mind you have GD and thrombophilia. Come back tonight for your scheduled induction. I stared at him. Can't you just keep me here, start the cervadil and get the show on the road instead me coming back in six hours? Nope. He told me my odds of a C-Section are very high given the state of my cervix but because of my issues oh fucking well.

I'm not sure what's wrong with me but in the effort to be fully honest here about my experience I will admit to feeling very emotionally vulnerable. I feel foolish for having headed over there. I should have stayed put at home. I should have let Jack catch up on rest. I keep bursting into hysterical sobs which for the life of me I don't understand? Maybe its because being in hospitals reminds me of loss, not birth. Maybe I feel bad that Jack thought it might not be time and I insisted we go, and he was right. I keep apologizing to him and he keeps responding to me like I'm three with a gentle smile and no need to apologize you did the right thing. Over and over again because I can't seem to stop apologizing.

The pain is intense. It's horrifying. When it attacks I can't sleep through it. I can no longer talk through it. Nor can I walk through it. It feels like the bottom half of my body is trying to rip itself off my torso. And what do I get for it? I get absolutely no progress. Nothing to show for this pain. I feel like a liar. Like my threshold for pain is too low, but the contractions registered high on the machine when they monitored me. It really fucking hurts.

I am maintaining hope for a vaginal delivery but I'm going to be honest, the hope is dwindling and I almost want to ask them to just section me since they continue to tell me any opportunity they get how high my chances are for this. I shouldn't be angry at my body, but the familiar frustration is coming back even though I know logically most women pass their due dates and had I not had the "high risk" factors my body would likely have done the right thing over time.

I know I sound ungrateful. Please know I realize the important thing at the end of the day is a healthy happy Sunflower. I think the pain, the lack of sleep, the frustration at the lack of progress is just wearing on me. But- I know there is a bigger picture. Hopefully tomorrow, when I meet Sunflower, regardless of vaginally or C-section, all this frustration will melt away.


  1. I'm sorry it wasn't delivery...But I think Jack is right, even though it ended up not being the right time, going in when you did was the right thing to do. And you're right too, once you see your little guy, all of this won't matter. You'll have him with you, and that's all that counts! Keep us posted!

  2. K... time to do your baby a BIG favor. RELAX! Yes the pain is intense, but maybe you are too focused on it. Yes, you have every reason to be tense, but you are letting the process get the better of you. Focus on the outcome. You will get to hold Sunflower. That is the prize. Worrying is not going to change whatever is going to happen, but it can make things much more difficult. Try to focus on the positive...Sunflower.

  3. I'm sorry - it sounds like you are in a ton of pain & I hope it's over soon with a happy & healthy Sunflower regardless of how. I think all women are devastated to hear they will need a C-section, I know I would be. So don't feel bad for being sad/angry/frustrated about that! Thanks for being so honest - it's great to know pregnancy isn't all rainbows & puppy dogs.

  4. Don't apologize, you did the right thing by going in. And with the pain being so bad, if they're committed to deivering you in the next 24 hours one way or the other, I think they shoud give yo an epidural during the induction. It's not like they're going to send you home, and I'd do an epidural for a woman in your shoes. As long as you were safely past you last shot of heparin, that is.
    Hope all goes smoothly tonight and tomorrow!

  5. When we went into L&D, my contractions were VERY painful. When they checked me I was only 1.5 cm dilated. They only checked me in because my water broke during the exam. Then the contractions got really, really bad. After a few hours of that, I broke down and asked (begged) for an epidural. They checked me again and I was only 3 cm dilated. I felt like a wimp. Especially since I had wanted to go natural. But you know what? I am NOT a wimp and neither are you. They hurt like hell regardless of how dilated I was. And in my case, turns out the baby was sunnyside up so I had back labor (which I read is very painful).

    Here's my assvice, try not to be so hard on yourself. Its going to hurt, you're not a wimp. And you're going to be emotional. Its okay. Try not worry. This will all be worth it, however it happens, when you hold that baby in your arms.

  6. ARGH! - How incredibly frustrating! Tomorrow. However it happens, tomorrow you'll be holding Sunflower and looking at his face. And that, in and of itself, is a PERFECT birth experience. Having said that, you're SO ALLOWED to be frustrated and feeling let down. what you're going through sounds hard and scary and not-what-any-of-us-have-in-mind-for-that-last-week. Thinking of you, and hoping for the best possible next 24 hours!

  7. My dear, you are so hard on yourself!
    You DID do the right thing. What is meant to happen will happen, so try to be a bit kinder to yourself, don't beat yourself up for anything - right now, you need to focus on the end prize and nothing else matters.
    Tomorrow, you LOVE tomorrow 'cause it's only a day away, as the song goes... ;-)
    Com'on, try to put up with it all a little bit longer. We are all here, waiting with bated breath for THE piece of good news (when you CAN post it).

  8. I'm so sorry that progress is slow right now hon. Try to rest, eat light foods, & hydrate as that will all help with the pain to some degree.

    And don't apologize - you are going through A LOT and Jack understands that. It's an emotional, difficult time and you are allowed to have lots of different emotions.

    Try to focus on visualizing your cervix opening. And know that the labor you & your child are experiencing are helping him prepare to come into the world even if you do have a C-section.

    We're all praying for you - may it be made easy for you & Sunflower sweetheart!


  9. don't feel bad, there's nothing wrong with you, sounds pretty typical for the end of a pregnancy, hormones are raging and you are ready to get the baby OUT but also scared about the process of getting him out and then what happens after that. and LOTS of people go to the hospital thinking they are in labor only to be sent home, you are not alone there.