The goldfish dream I wrote about in my previous post got to me more than I cared to admit. Add to that the nurse leaving a message at 8:00pm last sounding worried about my discharge and hoping it went away. Add to that a damp underwear last night of watery discharge. So I decided to go in to see the OB. They did the check up and said my cervix is long and closed and she thinks I'm just having your usual discharge.
Then, we had a talk about ahem, bowel movements, and it turns out they might be a significant factor in my crampy achy feeling. She asked me when the last time I had a normal BM and I told her in August. So, now I'm upping my Metamucil, she recommends I start activia yogurt daily and try to down as much water as is humanly possible. I don't really *want* to share that part of my journey but I think there are surely others freaking out and it could be due to this same issue.
When I was young I asked my mom if she hated me when I cried as a baby and kept her up at night, or they had to leave a party because I was being fussy. She always shook her head and said she never hated me, sometimes it felt frustrating but she never for a minute hated me. I pictured myself, a sack of helpless crying and just didn't fully believe her. But here I am, making weekly trips to the doctor, stabbing myself daily, worrying myself sick, all the while he floats and wiggles and dances inside me. The sacrifices and struggles of a mother have already begun, but I do it all gladly. I would do it all 1,000 times over until forever if I know it meant my sunflower will be okay. I wonder how much more surreal this will all feel when he's finally here.