Thursday, December 3, 2009

Thoughts on pregnancy

Note: Pregnancy discussed. The gushy mushy sort I wouldn't normally want to read while TTC.

After a year of tears and pain unlike any I ever experienced in my life I am amazed by the emotion that now crowds in pushing out all others: happiness. I am happy. This isn't to say I've only felt unhappiness this year. I've smiled genuine smiles and laughed from time to time. But its always been coupled with fear, with pain, with grief nestled deep within like a flower with folded petals that open only for me.

Feeling his little feet kick me, or at a quiet moment feeling the sensation of a goldfish swimming, I feel happy. A pure happy that eluded me for eleven months. I'm selfish because sometimes I will eat a sugary sweet just to feel the gentle karate chops against my womb. His physical presence reminds me he is real.

Fear still maintains a studio apartment in my head. Fear is the reason that despite being 18 weeks pregnant only a handful of people know. Fear is the reason I will turn down any thoughtful offers for a baby shower, opting instead to throw a big party to celebrate sunflower after he is safely here. Fear still hovers when I think of May, because until May 7, 2010 my baby remains a dream and a hope and a prayer. I know too much to think I'm free coasting from here on out.

But most of the time I feel peaceful. Most of the time I am happy. There are moments I might sink into mundane melancholy as I consider a messy bedroom or the writer's block that's hit me at the moment, but all he has to do is kick me. All I have to do is feel him acting like that there space is all his to do with as he pleases and every sad sensation dissipates like steam on a warm summer day.

My mom called the other day. She googled my name and found some articles I wrote, and a you tube video. She was so excited. My dad got on the phone and told me he was sending me the links. I hung up and considered their obvious pride. No one really gets that proud of you other than your parents. No one else sees your accomplishments and beams because they ring like they are their own. I understand this today. All I have to do is hear my son's heartbeat, or see him wiggle his legs on the ultrasound screen or feel a gentle kick against my side and I wonder, could I possibly love you more? Can I be any more proud?


  1. i am happy to hear that you are feeling a little less worry and a little more happiness, i know how it goes, as you know i started out scared shitless in the begining, but the further along you get the more the worry dissipates, it's always there, just not as strong.

  2. I couldn't have expressed it this eloquently, but yeah. Same here. Love the kicks and rolls and reassurance that the baby's ok. Still worried about how much further we have to go, and I doubt the worry will stop once she's here. But then I'll be able to snuggle with her, and listen to her snuffy little breaths, and smell the baby smell and be happy all over again.

  3. I'm so happy for you! I only hope someday I can be in your shoes! I really can't express how happy I am that you are in this place, and that your sunflower is with you!

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  4. What a very sweet post. :) I am so, so happy that you are experiencing this... I can't wait to hear how the feeling grows stronger and stronger as you welcome him into the world and watch him grow. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by how much I love our son, I will hold him close as tears run down my cheeks. Truly earth moving.

  5. Beautiful post, jan! :)

  6. Such a beautiful post, and so happy for your happy, so happy for your peace. I know it is often tangled in other things, worry, fear, but the fact that sometimes it is Just Simply Happy is one of the most delicious things I have ever heard. I hoped that could be true.

    warm wishes to you always,