Sunday, December 6, 2009

Nothing is certain

Yesterday we went out to a nice Moroccan restaurant with friends for dinner. After, everyone came to our place for dessert. I baked a chocolate cake, one of my friends made cappuccino cupcakes. We talked, we laughed, I made tea for everyone while taking a glass of milk for myself. We talked about light fluffy topics like movies, and LOST, our holiday plans. I wore my maternity jeans for the first time with a loose long shirt and a shawl covering me. Jack still does not feel comfortable telling people, yet every minute I thought of my son, alive and vibrant, swimming inside me. I felt like those people in cartoons wearing trench coats covering up another person hiding with them.

Sometimes when I go so long pretending I'm not pregnant, I get afraid, wondering if I am making it all up. Is it possible this womb can sustain my son? Is it real that I am pregnant or am I one of those mad women who are so crazed for children they make up an entire pregnancy. Have I deluded the doctors? It's an irrational fear yet only listening to him on the doppler soothed me, reminding me he is here.

And then- today, I came downstairs to make brunch of hashbrowns, eggs, toast and tea when Jack shows me an ESPN special on Demarcus Ware, a football player. His wife got pregnant and had a miscarriage, the next pregnancy they counted down to the second trimester and felt relief when she made it, then, at the 20 week anatomy scan they discovered the child had no kidneys and the pregnancy ended with a stillborn son. She got pregnant again with top-notch monitoring and checkups. They found out it was a boy and Ware talked about seeing his son wiggle on the screen, frown and grimace and kick his mother from time to time. And yet, somehow, inexplicably her son lost his heartbeat and she delivered anther stillborn son.

I don't know why Jack wanted me to watch. I guess the ending, they adopted a little girl they love, was an ending of hope, but for me I felt myself grow weak as I sank to the floor. All I could think of was, I can't lose my son. Oh God, what if lose my son? I can't lose you. I won't survive it.

I've let down my guards. I've fallen madly in love. He is as real to me as Jack, my brothers, anyone I pass on the street. And yet, anything can still happen. I can still lose him. Nothing in this world is guarunteed.

The other day my mom and I were talking and my phone died. I searched for my cell phone but it too was dead. I searched for the charger and plugged it in. Perhaps two minutes passed. When I called her she sounded shaken with fear. I've passed out a few times in my life, once quite recently and she was afraid of me home alone, passed out. I felt a hint of annoyance, its not like I pass out daily, her fear seemed a bit of an overreaction.

And yet- just the mere thought that anything could happen to my child growing inside me, just writing those words, my chest hurts, my heart physically aches and tears spill down my cheeks.

He kicked me just now, as if to reassure me that he is here, not going anywhere. But- nothing in this world is certain. We live entirely on hope that things will be okay and have faith that we may get through what does not go as planned. Nothing is certain. After I finished sobbing I told Jack I wish so badly sometimes that I could be an ignorant pregnant person. Someone who did not know how much was at stake. How much there was to lose.


  1. oh my god! why in the world would he have you watch that??? i'm sure he meant well but men can be so clueless sometimes! i'm sure your little baby will have two healthy overachieving kidneys. maybe he was just trying to show you that there are other people in the world who have infertility issues, even rich famous people, he just did it in not quite the right way!

  2. Oh hon... As hard as it is, try not to worry. We dont know what tomorrow will hold- for better or for worse. Just take today and live for it. With Alex's pregnancy, I had just learned that the week I delivered him and lost him. I was hung up on how Nick and Sophie had died, that I didnt let myself enjoy every second. With Bobby and Maya, I swore I wouldnt let that happen. I would rather have known I spent every second enjoying their pregnancy if I did lose them, so that I could hold onto that memory. It's how I'm spending my every day.

    So, long comment short, just try not to worry. Try to love every second.

  3. I know what you're saying about wishing to be an ignorant pregnant woman. That was me the first time around! It's hard to cope after loss and truly the only way I get over worrying about this baby/pregnancy and other things (like my daughter being kidnapped or my husband dying...all those morbid things that seem to creep into my mind) is to look at this verse daily and truly pray it.

    I don't mean to shove faith at you and I'm not sure whether you believe it or not, but this helps me get through all the daily worries of life and feel like I can keep fighting to believe.

    "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
    Philippians 4:6

  4. You're right, nothing is certain. Even after your son is in your arms, God willing, safe & healthy, that too is the start of a lifetime of uncertainty as a mother.

    We only have today, but I would strongly urge you NOT to watch or read ANYTHING that has to do with stillborn babies, miscarriages, or other related issues.

    That is not your situation and God willing it will not be. But we're in a heightened state of sensitivity as pregnant women and the anxiety, depression, or stress can be really overwhelming.

    Instead, try to focus on the fact that you are getting top-notch medical care, have the doppler to check in on Sonflower daily, and meditate your way through one day at a time.

    I know it can be challenging hon, but seriously avoid the sad stories whether on TV, online or by people you know.

    I clicked on someone's blog when I was about 20 weeks and the story I read there about fetus death seared itself into my imgaination and gave me nightmares for days on end.

    promised myself I would never do that again in my emotionally vulnerable state. Please take care of yourself and remember we are all praying for you & Sonflower!

    Love you so much,

  5. Pregnancy is a wonderful yet terrifying experience especially when you've experienced a loss. I thought after having my first daughter that the fears that accompany pregnancy would go away. But when I came close to losing this pregnancy I felt that fear it in a completely different way. Ignorance sounds blissful, but I would bet that when all is said and done you will have remembered and cherished your pregnancy in a way that others just take for granted. Knowing how uncertain life is gives you the opportunity to embrace each second with your son and know that no matter what happens, on this world he is already deeply loved. ((hugs))

  6. I hear you - I have felt like this is not real so many times. However, if I may give some unsolicited assvice, you have worked so hard for this and if you want to start making it public and reveling in it, J should support you 100% - you have been through hell and at some point I hope you can just enjoy it.

    This is not to say we can just enjoy this 100% of the time either - but we do at times and at times it is pure unbridled joy - at other times, there are fears of an undiagnosed genetic issue, stillbirth, SIDS, you name it. But you know what - right now we are pregnant and we worked our asses of to get here - and we have beautiful children inside of us - it is amazing.

    BTW, I was in a maternity store today to buy some maternity tights - and a girl came in - she was not even three months along and was not showing at all - just excited to get maternity clothes. Sigh - I remember that naive blindness...

  7. Ditto what meinsideout said. I understand the fear that something might go wrong if you start to publicly acknowledge the baby growing inside you. But I think you're really at a pretty safe stage now. Chances are overwhelmingly in your favour that you'll take a beautiful baby home with you. I'm glad sunflower is keeping you reassured with a good heartbeat and the kicks and all.
    And RE your last post about induction: no one can do anything to you if you don't consent to it. You could agree to go in and be induced, let them start an IV, and then change your mind and refuse to let them break your water or start pitocin. People are allowed to back out of operations at the last second. And when you have doubts about the right course of action, it's up to the doctors to convince you with good arguments and scientific data that there's a valid reason to go ahead.
    Hope your MFM is against induction and can convince your OB otherwise too.

  8. You can't be an ignorant pregnant person, you've been to the other side and managed to come out still breathing.

    I'm never going to be pregnant again (can't stomach more heartache) but if I was, I actually wouldn't want to be an ignorant pregnant person, they just cruise through their pregnancy blissfully unaware.

    Those of us who have been to the other side take each day of pregnancy seriously, we monitor our bodies, feel every twinge, every niggle, are so intune that we appreciate the good and bad sides of pregnancy, in some ways I think thats a blessing...

    I won't say just relax and enjoy because I know thats really hard to do but try and live for the moment, live in today, relish every moment for unfortunately you do not know what tomorrow will bring but I will pray that it brings you another day closer to holding your son in your arms.


  9. You've had some excellent comments already, I don't have much to add. I agree that you need to STAY AWAY from bad stories about pregnancy loss. The chance that you will lose Sunflower is incredibly small at this point, and there's no need to get your mind worked up.

    Even after they are born, you have a lifetime ahead of worrying about your son -- it's in the job description of a parent. It's hard to live in a world with pain, suffering, and loss sometimes... I appreciate the moments with my son every day, because even though I certainly try to keep him safe to the best of my ability, if neither one of us is enjoying life, well there's really no point.

  10. I wish that too. And hearing these stories makes me all the more furious at the fertiles among us, even my close friends, who don't appreciate what they have. Not as fully as they should. Not even close They don't appreciate that it's nothing short of a miracle that their baby grew normally and was born alive. Try not to scare yourself during this time of a delicate emotional and physical state. You don't need to experience the anguish and anxiety, and you don't need to expose yourself to stories of hurt just so that you may deserve your baby or appreciate him more. You deserve him and you probably appreciate him more than anyone has ever deserved or appreciated anything. You are well on your way to meeting him. Hoping the rest of the time passes with more frivolity and excitement because you don't want to look back on this time and not have enjoyed every minute of it.