Thursday, December 24, 2009

Brave Warriors

Sitting around with family, I had another uterus irritation but knowing my cervix is about 5cm is keeping me calm (thanks for clarifying inches versus cm Kate!). When I'm with others I don't focus as much on my pregnancy but then I start getting paranoid like did he kick me as regularly as I'm used to? And then it really hit me, you and me, we are so incredibly brave. This whole TTC business is so scary. We are Frodo carrying the ring to Mordor with perils potentially every step of the way. And we still do it. We sit through the months of the first trimester wondering every minute about all the things that can go wrong. And sometimes, things do go wrong, and we fall down, get up, and try again. And again. And again. Some of us hesitate. Some of us jump into it again without pause, but we do it.

I told a friend recently about my pregnancy and my losses and infertilty and she said I can't believe you tried again. After one loss I'd have just not been able to do it. And truth be told, when I look at all I stand to lose each time I try, I'm amazed I try. I'm amazed you try. I guess we know that despite all there is to lose there's so much to gain, so incredibly much. In this way, carrying sunflower gets a bit scarier with each passing day because the magnitude of potential loss grows each day for me and can overwhelm me if I stop to think about it.

Getting to know you all has taught me so much and though I never would have chosen it, if it had to happen I'm so glad to be in the company of such strong, beautiful, gentle, warriors.


  1. I hear you - brave - but some days I feel crazy! I had the same exact thing last night - some uterine irritation and I thought I was feeling less movement - it was freaking me out. I hope you have a great day - filled with lots of reassurance.

  2. I remember being told the same thing. It's crazy to think about... I think I'd feel the same thing...

  3. I've been told by friends that I'm brave to go through this over and over as well. But then I think, whats brave about it when the alternative is being childless? Yes its painful and I absolutely hate this journey most of the time but to stop trying just doesn't even seem like an option at all. As long as I keep trying I feel there is still SOME hope and that is really all us IFers have to cling on to.
    (just found your blog and had to comment as this was a great post)

  4. You're so right. We *are* strong and brave and amazing. And it's nice, every once in a while, to be reminded of this point of view :)

    SO glad for a good MFM appt, honey. I've been thinking about you.

  5. such a beautiful post, Kate.
    thinking of you so often,
    even when I don't comment.

  6. What a wonderful post, a reminder on the positive side of the IF coin. Infertility and loss can make us feel lonely, desperate, and weak... but we are fighters, survivors, and we grow stronger even as we hurt. (((hugs)))