1 more day, I guess?

The promising contractions are irregular again averaging 8-9 minutes mostly but but with breaks that last up to 15 minutes though when the contraction comes its more painful than the last. I'm wondering how high the pain will ultimately ratchet up to.

In the morning L&D will call to schedule us. 6pm they plan to insert the Cervadil. 6am Friday morning the induction begins. I wonder what happens if I'm already dilated enough? Will they begin the induction tomorrow evening? That seems logical? Ofcourse, hope springs eternal and I hope we won't have to induce but I accept either option.

This is my last night without him on the outside. This might be the last night I feel his little butt wiggle against my womb, his fingers poking me, his feet stretching my stomach outwards. I'm trying to memorize this moment. Etch it forever in my mind. It blows my mind. Can't wait to meet him.

More on Contractions

The last five contractions are now 8-9 minutes apart. And they hurt. But. How much are they supposed to hurt? They hurt enough to make me want to moan. They make me want to stop walking. They make me not want to talk. However. The standard provided to me was: you are unable to walk and unable to talk. I am able to do these things the pain is just so intense I don't want to. Also- my standard of pain might be different from your standard of pain. My 8 on the Richter scale might be a 2 for you, or a 10. I wonder what's going to happen. . .

AND- might I add everyone is pissing me off? Jack sitting on the couch is so annoying. My mom asking me how I'm feeling is maddening. Yes- that is irrational. My, am I cranky.

[Sorry for incessant updates- just need a place to write, a place to make sense of it, to record to remember later. Thanks for reading and for your support]

Waiting and Wondering

The contractions remain irregular but each one is more painful than the last. Whereas before it was possible to just do something else and take my mind off the pain, now its stopping me in my tracks and honestly, sort of scares me. They average every 18 minutes, sometimes closer. My hope is even if I don't go into full blown labor before its time to go to the hospital tomorrow evening I'll have dilated enough not to need 12 hours of cervadil to ripen my cervix and we can just start the induction. (and this word ripen- its just so weird in the context of my body- I feel like we're trying to turn some avocado into guacamole)

I feel like there's a timer ticking in me- any minute it will beep. Any minute I'll be done baking. Any minute. . . I'm trying to take my mind off it as much as I can. The house is now spotless. I made some food to freeze for later. There is no use being scared because when it comes to labor, there is no way out but through, and Sunflower and I will, God Willing, get through this.

2 more days

My OB stripped my membranes today in an effort to spark labor. I'm sorry in advance, she said. I shrugged, lay down, and then [&!#$$$]<-- insert every foul word ever invented. It hurt so much I saw black dots. OB said the contraction that I had is the type to call in to them about as a sign that labor begun. OH.MY.GOD. I'm still 1cm dilated but she said my cervix is softer and lower. Since then I'm losing my mucus plug which is a sign of labor, oooor maybe not! And I'm having a lot of contractions and feel kind of dazed and confused. If I don't go into labor before my induction these are all still good signs that my body is getting more ready.

I've known my OB for over two years now and today she had some time to talk to me and Jack and it was funny how she's got me figured out. I know its scary but you can't control the labor process, she said. You've researched, you're informed, but ultimately this baby will decide when he comes and how he comes. Maybe its being the eldest who was responsible for resolving my parents arguments, and watching my brothers, and being a teacher- but I do feel like I need to hold on, I need to carry it even if it is something I can't control.

But I can't control labor. And today when she swept my membranes and I felt the strongest most painful contraction of my life I had no thoughts but the pain. In that moment there was no ability nor desire to control just a desire to simply to get through the moment. And that's when the obvious concept hit me again, this is what its all about, its a series of moments that make up a life.

I've allowed my mind free reign to roam with worry and fear because I thought I'll stop worrying once Sunflower arrives. But I'm beginning to think that the worries will not go away, they will simply morph and take new shape. I will make mistakes but it does no good to anticipate what they will be. I will feel confused and frustrated at times but those moments are not today. I need to stop looking so far ahead because I will lose sight of the now.

If you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll recognize these thoughts since I'm constantly reigning myself in from letting fear fill my house with helium balloons and float me away. I guess I'm just a work in progress but I know what I need to work on. Slowly I think I'll get there.

I may have shared this poem before. I'm going to take it with me when I go into labor:

Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.
Don’t try to see through the distances.
That’s not for human beings.
Move within, but don’t move the way fear makes you move.

-- Rumi

3 more days- random scatterbrained thoughts

Last night a major storm passed through. The thunder was so loud it shook the house and woke Sunflower. It was incredible. One second my eyes flutter open to the flashing light and the loud crack of thunder and the next I hear little feet kicking and squirming followed by hiccups. I rubbed my belly in the dark as rain hit the windows, talking to him in a soothing voice, and just like that the movements slowed and then, silence. It worked. I soothed him.

It hit me again that there's a real person in there. A person who, though in utero found comfort in me. I'm scared of a C-section because I won't be able to hold him right away. And I'm the one he'll most likely recognize. I'm scared if we miss out on those first few moments we'll miss vital bonding time, that maybe the right hormones won't release from me and somehow I might feel distant from my son. I've read that C-Sections can trigger PPD and that scares me too since I know it can happen to anyone, no matter how wanted the baby is.

I'm at a more peaceful place right now but I've had moments of sheer terror today. Not about the labor but the aftermath of raising him. I have a lot of ideas of the kind of parent I want to be and I'm getting scared of how I'll actually do it. I was raised with no television for the first few years of my life, and didn't know what cartoons were until I went to Kindergarten. I want the same for my child but I watch a lot of TV. I want my child not to have to struggle with his weight and to be healthy but I eat a lot of crappy food. Do I tell him to do as I say, not as I do? I am planning to stop these things and Jack is planning to cut our cable when our contract ends in December- but will we do it? Will we be able to become the perfect people we need to be? The perfect people this baby deserves?

I'm trying to not think so much. I'm trying to just live in this moment. I wonder if its infertility that is making me think so much about all of this. Had I simply been able to get and stay pregnant at will would all this feel much more matter of fact for me?

And because I said this is a scatterbrained post, when I realized the title of this post is three more days, it reminded me of my favorite singer Ray LaMontagne, and a song he has by just that name [and no, it has nothing to do with babies!]

Conversations

As I said in the earlier post I had to have some conversations today, both with Dr. MFM to convince her to give me a weight estimate (they only do it every four weeks and it was only three weeks), and then with my OB to see how far I could go without inducing.

Dr. MFM agreed to weigh Sunflower and I was scared they'd tell me I was on track to birth a ten pound baby but he measured 7lb5oz: 50th percentile. Not much more than his weight three weeks ago (6lb14oz). Dr. MFM even if we are off by a pound, he's 8.5 pounds. Nothing alarming and I'm amazed considering I have GD. I got excited and suggested maybe we can go past my due date then by a week or so to see if he can come naturally? To this she emphatically shook her head. It's not the GD baby she's worried about but more that each day I pass my due date the risks associated with thrombophilia go up and if I chose to go past the due date it would be against medical advice though she admitted that the odds are in my favor should I go past my due date the baby would most likely be okay.

I honestly believe I'd be fine going past my due date but three out of four doctors are urging me to not pass my due date so I'm not going to fight it. I talked to the OB's nurse. She's going to get me scheduled to go to the hospital Thursday night for cervadil to attempt to ripen the cervix and then induction Friday morning. A step-OB will be on call but oh well. I'd rather wait until Thursday night with the hope that perhaps my body can get more favorable in the next few days, rather than go in tonight and always wonder.

I'm doing my best to let go of my need to be in control. I'm going to continue taking the evening primrose oil and walking and hoping and praying he comes on his own time before induction- but- I'm accepting I can't control when he comes and what happens if I'm induced. I'm going to write my birth plan (or birth hopes would be more accurate) tonight and mentally ready myself for whatever may come Friday.

4 more days

4 more days. Wow. wow. WOW.

It's midnight and I'm a bit nervous about the conversations I'll have to have. I should have been going in for my induction tonight but instead I'm waiting to hear from my OB and seeing how difficult it will be to push for a Friday/Saturday induction. I hate confrontation and going against authority, so we'll see how that goes. I also have my last MFM appointment for this pregnancy in the morning! They keep saying they wont' weigh him anymore since its not going to be accurate but I want to ask them to do it anyway just to have some sort of an idea since the biggish baby argument is the big one my OB is using for induction.

I took the primrose oil, walked to the point of sheer exhaustion. There's a crazy storm coming tonight and I hope the pressure will send me straight to labor too but I'm so exhausted that if I go into labor naturally tonight I don't know how well I'll do. Besides, all these things? Not working yet. It seems everything could send you into labor tonight!!! oorrrr maybe not. So like Lisa suggested I think I'm going to rest a bit more from here on out. I'm so tired I don't have the energy to put away any of the dishes. I've been cleaning up spotless each night before bed for fear that I will go into labor, rush to the hospital, and my in-laws will walk into our messy house to discover how we truly live! Gasp! Tonight I don't care so I'm hoping Murphy's law will ensure natural labor tonight!

This last weekend of coupledom felt special. We slept in, held hands on our walks, ate frozen yogurt out of the same cup, and had the types of conversations we stopped having somewhere along the way, about life, our perspectives, our childhoods. Being married as long as we have I forget sometimes that there is so much more to know and love about him. Also, IF, loss, and pregnancy has in some ways swallowed up the rest of our life. It was nice to be a couple this weekend.

But. We're ready now. We're ready Sunflower. We're done waiting. Please come to us. Come to us as soon as you can. Preferably tonight. You know your mama hates confrontation. Thank you.

5 more days**

U2 says desperation is a tender trap. Hence our visit to Scalinis on the complete other end of town tonight. Its an Italian restaurant where the eggplant purportedly puts women into labor within 48 hours. [If you don't live in the ATL they provide a recipe on-line]. I was impressed with the numbers: 300 women have gone into labor upon eating the eggplant we've had on our menu for 25 years! Hmm. 300/25= 12 per year = 1 per month = coincidence. [Damn me and my math skillz!] Still, it was fun to engage in an Atlanta tradition and after a day of zero contractions I did get a few since we left. Still- not.holding.my.breath.

I grew massively in the past few days. One minute I was big. The next- bigger. It's actually frightening. I tried to bring labor on today with the eggplant, mopping the house, scrubbing the walls, not thing, no real signs of labor. I'm exhausted though. And even though I haven't eaten that much today I have the worst indigestion and acid reflux I've ever had.

Tomorrow, Jack and I are planning to power walk in the mall, and buy some primrose oil tablets and an exercise ball from Target. I heard bouncing on it can help ripen the cervix? Question about primrose, the one at Target said "oral use" is there a different one to insert near the cervix or same deal? Hopefully between prayer, primrose, power walks, bouncy balls, and egg plant something will happen!!!

**Updated to say: He got super active around 2am while we were finishing up a movie. Ridiculously so. Kicking, squirming, moving, and then- when I got up Jack and I gasped because my stomach now looks like a different stomach. It looks almost like a torpedo. I swear it looks lower than it was but I can't be certain but its certainly changed shape. Is this lightening? Dr. Google said When the baby begins to drop, you will notice that your abdomen will change shape, shifting down and forward. Unfortunately Dr. Google says this can happen 2-4 weeks before natural labor begins. Dangit. Please let me be an exception. :(

6 more days

Thank you so much for your advice in the last post. [And Murgdan- your educated opinion is never assvice!] I feel better. I was raised to be a"good girl" which even at this age makes disagreeing uncomfortable. But- even if my choice annoys them, they can't say well we won't deliver you EVER. [right?]. I'm trying to alleviate my anxiety by reminding myself theres no induction police. I've loved my OB but she's disappointing me at the end.

My logic to wait a few more days is (1) An induction is serious and guarantees pitocin and the whole cascade of medical interventions which (2) boost the odds of a C-section. (3) Yes I have a GD baby but he's not going to gain a pound between Tuesday and Friday but (4) waiting a few more days until Friday could possibly progress me further, maybe not at all, but it could.

She kept saying 'Think of the baby first. I know you don't want a C-section but his health is paramount' which frustrates me because duh, but a C-section isn't the best option for him either. We don't get our skin on skin contact. Nursing is delayed. There's a lot that sucks for him too. Besides, he's being monitored weekly by MFM, they check everything and he's (thank God) scoring excellent. Besides we're talking about four days. And if we're going with convenience why should I accommodate her on-call schedule? Friday means Jack can catch up on his work, my family can drive up instead of taking pricey last minute flights and renting cars to get to the hospital. Hell, if we're going to do this for convenience why not my convenience then? Monday is quite inconvenient for me and my family. (not that this is why I want to wait until Friday).

Then because they said go in Monday, a part of me gets afraid that what if I don't listen and something God Forbid, bad happens. . . but I'm trying to push this out of my mind. Had my OB been on call Friday that would've been the scheduled induction date. This is not a medically necessitated induction on Tuesday. I'm trying to control my frustration. Most first timers go past their due date and here I am getting frustrated at my body for not going into labor already when its probably behaving perfectly normal.

I haven't prayed as much as I would like in the past few months. I feel guilty that now I am praying. I am begging for natural labor. I hope I will be heard and answered. If you remember, toss a prayer in for me and Sunflower. Much appreciated.

39 Weeks- 7 more days

7 more day though quite frankly I'm convinced he's going to stay in here until he's 32. My amniotic fluids were back to normal. Discharge increased but its not amniotic. My cervix remains barely 2cm dilated. I'm 50% effaced. He's sunny side up so I'm at risk for back labor. In a nutshell: My body is practicing like hell but labor doesn't seem close. At all.

I'm emotional lately most likely because I'm sleep deprived getting two hours of sleep these days due to cramps and contractions. I want to laugh at the lack of progress and joke that little guy is just messing with me. I guess I'm too tired to laugh and it doesn't help that none of these pains did anything to further dilate me. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated. I'm full term what more do I want? I'll tell you: him. Until he's here, nothing is certain. He moves less these days. He passes his kick count test daily though it takes longer each evening to get the 10 kicks. This is normal, I know. But. There are enough scary stories on the web and in my own extended family for me to feel its a done deal simply being "term".

I'm in love. Hook line and sinker. This is the most intense love I've ever felt and the thought of losing him makes me want to die. That's why I'm impatient. That's why despite full days, the days crawl. I can deal with the waddling, the headaches, the fatigue, and this troubling toothache that is creeping up. But I need someone to promise me nothing will go wrong. While the odds are in my favor, they are only odds until he's here. I know its just a matter of time- today the nurse taking my vitals said I understand how it feels like forever, these last few days, I felt that way too when I was in your shoes and now my children are 30 and 33. Yep- time flies. It only feels like we live in the moment forever. I know this time next week I will most likely have him in my arms. Until then, I wait.

8 more days

Despite the eagerness, the apprehension, the fear, there is this a sacred feeling in the air these days. The full moon casting a glow over the house tonight adds to that feeling. I am waiting to meet a pure being. Someone who has yet to hurt anyone or be hurt. Someone who has yet to think an impure thought, or feel arrogant, entitled, in any way. Someone unconcerned with whether they are more beautiful, or smart than the next person. The very definition of purity. And this child will be entrusted in my care. They will release him to me after making sure (God Willing) he is healthy and send us on our merry way. After all the needles, ultrasounds, speculum exams, and fundal measurements they will simply hand him over to me and leave it to me to guide him through this world. When I really think about it, it brings tears to my eyes.

In the meantime I wait. I feel twinges and pulls. Kicks and wiggly butts. It is an uneasy feeling to know that soon I will experience one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don't know when. I don't know how how. It might be manageable, it might make me kneel over and want to die. One simply can't be sure. I'm allowing myself the right to be a bit frightened. I'm allowing myself the right to be a bit on edge these next few days.

At 3:15pm we see if my amniotic fluid levels are good. They were borderline normal Monday, if they fall below the approved levels I meet Sunflower tomorrow. Otherwise possibly Monday. Maybe sometime in between.

In the meantime I'm washing the nursery walls. I'm walking. I'm reading books. Replying to texts, e-mails, and phone calls from friends and family waiting with me, wondering with me when this little guy arrives. He has no idea how many people are waiting. He has no idea how much love is waiting for him just as soon as he is placed in my arms.

Lady in Waiting

I woke up at 3am last night with painful gas pains and my uterus hard as a rock every few minutes. Wasn't able to fall back asleep. It wasn't a labor contraction because after the practice runs, I have a hint of what actual labor contractions might be like and braxton hicks contractions are just cute little bunnies really. This morning I called the OB and they told me a med to take to ease the pains. I was going to head to babysrus and return some gifts, and do some shopping at the mall but I'm a little scared by last night's contractions and don't really want to leave the house because I don't know how well I could drive if those contractions attacked me while I was out. Luckily the pharmacy is less than a mile away.

Tomorrow I have a repeat amniotic fluid scan at the MFM. If it went down significantly again- tomorrow might be the day I meet Sunflower. So, if you don't hear from me tomorrow night- you'll know what happened. [But- I'm not holding my breath] As I sit here, a lady in waiting, I'm trying to find ways to occupy my time.

1. Practicing the moby wrap on a stuffed teddy.
2. FINISHED packing the hospital bag.
3. Power walking in the neighborhood [well its a power walk for me, bearing in mind I waddle mostly these days- most people would call it an old lady shuffle]
4. Making thank you gift bags for the nurses. I've heard from nurse friends that this is most appreciated. I'm thinking of putting in some lollipops and chocolates with a little note that says Thanks for taking care of my mommy, love, Sunflower.
5. Organizing duplicate gifts to return to BRU and Target.
6. Installing the car seat
7. Making a mental list of the stuff I will eat once the baby comes out (Strawberry milkshake from Steak-n-Shake, chocolate chip cookies, soft serve frozen yogurt, a nice frosted cupcake).
8. Bribing sunflower with promises of TV viewing and anything naughty he wants if he will just come out [don't intend to follow through but I'm betting he wont remember!]

Any other ideas on how to help pass the time as productively as possible most appreciated!

Nine more days

I'm feeling a little drained. And annoyed. As I stated in my last post I had labor-like contractions for nearly an hour. It hurt like hell. I could not walk nor talk through them and then- they slowly tapered off and now the volcano is silent again. I feel teased. I feel a little frustrated. From the way sunflower is now kicking me, he is feeling teased too. I realize I cannot control my body and I realize this is just a practice run and that as a type-A minded person, my body is apparently a type-A bodied creature that simply must practice 100 times before doing the real thing but I still kind of want to cry. The pain was scary and more powerful than the last time I had painful contractions two nights earlier. This time I felt the pain in my back and pelvic area as well. I know labor hurts. I know that what went in was microscopic but what's going to come out is at least 8 pounds. So yes- pain is to be expected- but wow- that pain is amazing. That pain is otherwordly. I now understand why people of my faith pray for others while in the throes of this pain- I felt like I was on another plane in the midst of the intense pain. But what scares me is that if this isn't labor- will actual labor pains hurt more? That is terrifying.

I want my body to go into labor on its own. I don't want to be induced. So I shouldn't complain. I'm just confused. Is this going to lead to something? Or is my body just messing around? I feel like someone told me you won a million dollars!! and then said oh whoops, not you, the *other* girl in the yellow shirt. Sigh.

Forgive me for my twitter like updates lately but as always this is my place to write about what's going on, and helps me make sense of what is going on. Thank you for listening.

Letting go of control

I've jokingly likened the wait for Sunflower to watching a kettle and waiting for it to boil. But I realized today I'm not waiting for it to boil, I'm willing it to boil as if by the sheer force of staring at the metaphorical kettle I will produce within it the bubbles I desire. I'm reading Momma Zen, a book given by a lovely friend, which, if you are pregnant or a new mama, you must read. She talks a lot about living in the moment, letting go of the illusion of control and being in the moment that is before us and she says it in a way that makes you stop in your tracks and listen.

Logically, I accept I can't control everything. I couldn't get nor keep pregnancies at will. I can't will a publisher to put an offer on the book my agent is shopping. We fight the carpenter bees in our awning daily but we can't control their hardiness. I know this and yet I still try to control things I can't. It's why I find myself up at 2am filled with anxiety as I wonder when will this happen? Why not now? And yet, these thoughts won't affect labor. I can do my best, walking and otherwise, but ultimately I don't hold the key to the outcome.

I'm trying to let go of the attempts to control and instead enjoy the time I have left. I can't wait to hold him in my arms but I will miss these karate kicks in my womb. I can't wait to hear him cry hearty sobs from healthy lungs but I'm sure a part of me will miss this silence in the middle of the night.

I guess I've been trying so hard to figure out what the next step is I forgot I can't. And the book helped me realize, that when it comes to control and my plans, they will all flip upside down once the baby comes. I plan to breastfeed but maybe I'll be unable to. I shudder at the thought of a C-section but that may be the only option. I have my Wii Fit ready to go to drop the baby weight but maybe it will go slower than I think. We imagine a happy cooing baby but we might have a colicky little bundle. If I thought I had little control now, that control is likely slipping away further once he arrives.

I'm telling myself: If I go all remaining ten days still pregnant- that's okay. I will re-read my favorite books. Call a friend and indulge in a one hour chat. Sleep in and watch the morning filter in through the windows letting the silence feel sacred. Go out with Jack Saturday night, hold his hand on an evening stroll and appreciate this brief interlude before we are coated in spit up and leaky diapers. I'm reminding myself I can't control the outcome but I can control what I do with the time I have.

Amniotic fluids and induction

Dr. MFM told me my amniotic fluid decreased to the borderline level, dropping half in volume since last week. Oh, I said, well I have been leaking some watery discharge. Jack and MFM stared at me like I had morphed into a Cockatoo. And you didn't mention this because. . .? Jack asked. I felt myself grow red well I figured it was normal, plus its not a continuous trickle like Dr. Google said. She took a sample of the fluid [though I wasn't feeling the discharge then] and said I'm going to test to see if its amniotic fluid if it is we'll send you across the street to the hospital and you can deliver today! We just stared at her with our jaws dropped as she left the room. I don't have my bags packed! I shrieked. And today? We meet him today? I know I want to meet him, and yes I'd love to meet him today but wow it hit me like an anvil as Mekate pointed out, whether its this week or next his arrival is imminent!

She didn't find any evidence of a rupture though she said it didn't mean I wasn't leaking earlier. They're having me come in again Thursday to continue monitoring the levels. Friday I'm meeting my OB and the nurse hinted that my OB is on call next Monday and Tuesday so if I'm going to be induced it would likely be then.

If the fluid continues falling its a different matter, but otherwise I'm conflicted about inducing. On one hand my cervix is ripening and I'm dilating and effacing so the risks of C-Section due to induction are lower. Plus I know I'm carrying a large-ish baby so the longer I go the bigger the baby will be. BUT- as I was typing this I had a contraction from hell. I couldnt walk. I couldn't talk through it. My uterus hardened for three minutes while I breathed my way through it. If my body is revving up like an engine trying to get to a comfortable laboring hum, then why not let it? And even though labor feels like its coming tonight, I'm a first timer so odds are I'm not going until at at least my due date. Should I wait it out if I can?

In the meantime I'm going to finish packing my hospital bag, write out a checklist of things to take, and tidy up the bedroom. Sweets are my safe comfort food and I wish so much I could have a nice large milkshake right now. Dang you GD! In the meantime I ate a slice of pineapple. Nothing proves it sends you to labor but right now old wives tales on the internet sound like scientific based medical journals. I wish I could have that nice fun water broke moment soon erasing all doubt of what exactly is happening!

Is it possible to be simultaneously excited and frightened out of one's mind?

Random Thoughts

To the 14 year old girls hanging at the mall who loudly whispered as I walked by OMG is she carrying like sextuplets? Followed by maniacal giggles: You shouldn't make fun of people who you'll likely resemble one day such as the pregnant, and the elderly. I will not wish anything seriously bad upon you, but like Sophia in the Golden Girls I put upon you a curse: when the time comes may you grow large as a house,waddle like a penguin with cankles with stretchmarks coating your currently taut bellies!

Looks like Sunflower is holding strong until at least the shower despite a contraction that felt like an earthquake in the middle of Bath and Body Works. I swear sometimes I get this sensation like he's just going to fall out. There are about 19 people including me attending. I'm ignoring the pics on facebook of other showers with 45+ people. Its quality not quantity and I'm grateful to the people choosing to attend. Thanks to those of you who said its okay to feel nervous. Once I'm there, I'm sure the nerves will die down. I love hosting things for other people, but I have a really hard time being hosted.

Waiting For Sunflower- seriously, waiting.***

I think the first year of my IF blogging all I blogged about were my symptoms during the two week wait. Measuring my nausea, and levels of fatigue and squeezing and then reporting on the tenderness of my boobs. [oh yes, this blog was once quite riveting] I am beyond grateful to be on the other end of the TWW but I apologize if I show this gratitude by indulging myself in Symptom Watch 2010, particularly when most of these 'symptoms' are likely not symptoms at all. Still to humor myself here's an accounting:

1. Nausea. I've been slammed with nausea. Nothing tastes right. Even chips or sipping soda doesn't help like it normally does.
2. I constantly feel full. I ate breakfast but had to force myself to eat lunch at 4pm not due to hunger but because I needed to eat. I just am not getting hunger pangs.
3. Weird feelings in the land down under like someone with knitting needles gently tapping.
4. Walrus-Like. Its not just girth (though I am by all accounts enormous), its how I feel. I want to sit on a rock (or sofa) and just wallow in the sun (or under the fan). Mind you, I had the energy today to vacuum, fold laundry, clean our bedroom and the toilet, all things that need to be done, but I didnt want to. Sure no one ever wants to do household chores but I do them routinely without whining. These days I just can't. Today, I bought the hostess gifts, came home and read, napped, and watched Judge Judy. I did nothing more.
   
5. Funky emotions. One minute I want to cry [though not sad]. The next, I feel at peace and feel like I'm on top of the world [though I'm still just walrusing on the couch].
6. **Edited, add to the list now menstrual cramping, watery discharge, and a hard contraction/cramp that woke me from sleep. Come on, you just know this baby is going to decide to come right before the baby shower! [I realize this is likely of no interest to anyone outside of me, I guess I'm record keeping]
   

The contractions aren't very strong. Once in a blue moon these past few days I'll get a doozy of a hicks but otherwise its calm but I wonder are all these symptoms the eye before the storm? Can anyone relate?

I know in under two weeks I'll be meeting little guy so theres no need to read into any of this. My family reminds me of this constantly (after they calm down from asking, ARE YOU IN LABOR OMG OMG!) but, you know how it is. So thanks for listening to this silly contemplation as I sit here waiting and wondering, waiting and wondering, when when when.

The final two week wait

I'm feeling this weird lower pelvic pressure from time to time. It may be in my head, but its like I have a balloon filled with water low in my pelvis and its just about to pop. I'm hoping it means something is happening but its equally liking baby boy is just head bumping me. I'm 2cm dilated so I guess I'm technically in the early phase of labor though this doesn't mean active labor is around the corner. I feel like a volcano, quietly brewing, but yet to erupt. I'm waiting for the fireworks to begin.

TTC involves so much waiting. The wait to ovulate (or not). The two week wait. The wait to the second trimester. To the 20 week ultrasound. I'm in the final wait. Two weeks until my due date. It's certainly the best wait I can possibly ask for but waiting still involves a lot of staring at countdown tickers and judging one's body for signs of something.

It was so weird yesterday when the OB told me she could feel his head. He feels so far away, but he's in me. He's as close to me as anyone will ever be. Once he's out, that's when the physical connection that ties us ends and the true distancing process little by little begins. I'm trying to remember that to stave off the impatience and I can enjoy this brief interlude before he arrives.

Two Centimeters

I went to the OB today for my weekly check-up. Last week I was 1 cm dilated, this week I am 2 cm dilated. She said she could feel his head and that he was quite low. What does this mean? I felt hopeful. Nothing, the OB said, you're progressing but we can't predict labor, could be tonight could be in three weeks. Gah. Why check then? Its good I'm progressing so if an induction is in the cards for me at least we're not starting at 0, but I'd really like to go naturally. I know this sounds morbid but with my miscarriages my body went through the process crazy fast. My body is capable of going into labor naturally so if I can stave off being chemically induced that would be ideal. I have a lot of issues with my body and how its let me down in the past few years, but when it comes to evicting, it can certainly do that. I'm asking little guy to come out soon. Ideally Sunday evening- after the baby shower. And on that note, I know I said I wanted one but I'm getting all nervous and fluttery thinking about it. All eyes on me? Not everyone knows each other? Hopefully it goes well. And on an entirely unrelated note, I now waddle. I wish it amused me as much as it amuses those who love me that I am now officially a penguin:

Pregnancy Girth

Today after a blessedly uneventful MFM visit, the doc said, see you next week unless you have the baby! One can hope but I don't think he's coming out anytime soon. Though I was having frequent contractions that got me giddy with hope, they've gone down in frequency considerably. I feel like the annoying kid in the back of the car Is it time? Now? Are we there yet? What about now? Um, okay, maybe now?

The thing is, I feel like a whale. Yes in the size department, but more so in the, unable-to-move-well-on-land department. My confidence was much helped today by a lovely sales clerk at the grocery store. Wow, she said with wide eyes, you are huge! I smiled politely. I mean it! Are you overdue? That is one gigantic baby you got in there! Golleee! I just stared at her. Granted, she's taking liberties discussing my largeness because I'm pregnant (I hope!) but you know what? Its hurtful to be called ginormous [even if you are].

Speaking of being huge, that is one thing that makes me sad about this pregnancy ending. I've kind of enjoyed not feeling concerned about my weight. Like most people raised in Western society (or its influence) I have striven for thin my whole life. I have judged myself by the size of my jeans and eaten a slice of cake only to feel horrible afterward vowing to remain on Atkins until I'm 70. Today Jack said to me Pregnancy has made you so much less self-conscious. You seem so much more confident. He's right. It's been nice to not hate my body but instead, pat my roundness and feel proud of my expanding curves. But once Sunflower arrives, this changes. We're going to have a ceremony honoring his arrival in July and then in December my cousin is getting married. The pressure to lose weight for these events and get the 'wow you just had a baby? Can't tell!' will be high and I'm already not looking forward to that. Oh well.

Also, thanks for your insight into the last post about the future of this blog. A post on that is forthcoming- that is, unless this baby makes his way out before then! pleasepleaseplease!