2 more days

My OB stripped my membranes today in an effort to spark labor. I'm sorry in advance, she said. I shrugged, lay down, and then [&!#$$$]<-- insert every foul word ever invented. It hurt so much I saw black dots. OB said the contraction that I had is the type to call in to them about as a sign that labor begun. OH.MY.GOD. I'm still 1cm dilated but she said my cervix is softer and lower. Since then I'm losing my mucus plug which is a sign of labor, oooor maybe not! And I'm having a lot of contractions and feel kind of dazed and confused. If I don't go into labor before my induction these are all still good signs that my body is getting more ready.

I've known my OB for over two years now and today she had some time to talk to me and Jack and it was funny how she's got me figured out. I know its scary but you can't control the labor process, she said. You've researched, you're informed, but ultimately this baby will decide when he comes and how he comes. Maybe its being the eldest who was responsible for resolving my parents arguments, and watching my brothers, and being a teacher- but I do feel like I need to hold on, I need to carry it even if it is something I can't control.

But I can't control labor. And today when she swept my membranes and I felt the strongest most painful contraction of my life I had no thoughts but the pain. In that moment there was no ability nor desire to control just a desire to simply to get through the moment. And that's when the obvious concept hit me again, this is what its all about, its a series of moments that make up a life.

I've allowed my mind free reign to roam with worry and fear because I thought I'll stop worrying once Sunflower arrives. But I'm beginning to think that the worries will not go away, they will simply morph and take new shape. I will make mistakes but it does no good to anticipate what they will be. I will feel confused and frustrated at times but those moments are not today. I need to stop looking so far ahead because I will lose sight of the now.

If you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll recognize these thoughts since I'm constantly reigning myself in from letting fear fill my house with helium balloons and float me away. I guess I'm just a work in progress but I know what I need to work on. Slowly I think I'll get there.

I may have shared this poem before. I'm going to take it with me when I go into labor:

Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.
Don’t try to see through the distances.
That’s not for human beings.
Move within, but don’t move the way fear makes you move.

-- Rumi

Kick Count*****

After I hit publish on my previous post, I went to bed. Jack wanted to listen to Sunflower with our doppler. We couldn't find it. After ten minutes, the longest ten where the world went completely pitch silent, we found it, faint at 120 beats a minute. Jack felt satisfied. I didn't. I poked him. Nothing. I jiggled my belly. Nothing. I drank half a glass of OJ. Nothing. I went downstairs and lay on the sofa. Two hours ten kicks is the standard. In two hours he made about 7-8 subtle movements, mostly in response to my pokes. I decided he was alive and somewhat moving so I'd call if he didn't get a little more active in the morning. This morning again, nothing in response to my pokes. he did get the hiccups but Dr. Google says that doesnt count as part of the kick test. The OB advised me to eat breakfast with some OJ and lie on my side and do a kick test for an hour. If that does nothing they'll have me come in for monitoring.

I'm on a parent listserv. Just had the nerves to sign up for it last week. Sometimes people sell things that have never been used like a bumbo or jumparoo. This makes sense, maybe they thought they'd use it but never did. Today I saw someone selling a bouncer, a car seat, a swing, a baby tub, never used. My blood went cold. Why are they selling never used baby things? I think of my living room filled with amazon boxes, the baby registry I'm working on, and. . . yeah, I begin feeling scared shitless.

I get that I shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch. Totally get it. But. For fuck's sake, can't I ever just preen naively, liken myself to a cute walrus and say everything looks good without the universe gut punching me a reminder that nothing is certain?

**He managed the ten movements in an hour after drinking OJ. The nurse was pleased but since then I've felt uneasy. I can feel his little foot which I normally tap and he kicks me back. Now, nada. I've grown used to his routine and its changed. I called and asked if they can monitor me just so I'm not nuts this weekend and she said ok so I'm going in at 2EST. I wish I could say I'm trusting my gut, but I'm not sure I have a gut anymore. Fear has warped it beyond recognition. I'm indulging my paranoia is more like it. But you know what? Better peace of mind and better safe than sorry

*** Thanks for your reassurances, as you predicted, all was well. Ofcourse, as is always the case, one I was strapped on the monitors Sunflower decided to show his dancing skills to the theme of Kung Fu Fighting. I stared helplessly at the OB I swear he wasn't doing that before! The OB said around this stage movements change due to size. Phew. She told me to start kick counts daily and I'm so glad no one made me feel stupid for my fears. Three.More.Weeks.

Finding anger in silence

Yesterday was kind of a rough day for me. Its the day I believe I lost Speck one year ago. I miscarried him a week later but yesterday was when all my symptoms disappeared and I had called my doctor in a state of panic telling her I felt the baby died. She dismissed it telling me symptoms can vanish with time. Later I dealt with a lot of anger at this dismissal though today I realize that even if she had taken me seriously, nothing could have been done to prevent the outcome.

I'm not sure what came over Sunflower yesterday but he decided yesterday was a great day to go from squirmy pokey jumpy baby into a hibernating bear. He just stopped moving. He has his on days and off days so for most of the day I thought nothing of it until later in the evening when I realized I hadn't really felt him move all day. So, I tried the usual things that get him moving, I poked him, drank cold water, jiggled my belly- nothing. Nothing. Before going to bed I listened to him on the cheapo doppler I bought and haven't used in weeks. I could hear a heartbeat but it sounded faint and in the 130's. Still- I told myself it was him and all was well. But I couldn't sleep well. I kept waking up, poking, pressing, prodding- nothing.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and around 3am I went downstairs to the fridge and pulled out a sickeningly sweet pineapple drink that as a diabetic I know I shouldn't drink but I felt desperate to feel the kid move so I drank half a glass and then half a glass of ice water. I went upstairs and lay down, waiting for something- and again- nothing. I stared at the clock it was 3:15. I felt rage building in me as tears slid down my face. I felt angry. Angry that it had to be today of all days that he grew quiet. Angry that I had to worry about whether he was alive or not. Angry that there are pregnant women right now who don't think bad things can happen to them and don't live with this type of fear. I looked at the crib, the glider, thought of all his onesies and Jack who had urged me not to buy so much until we were sure. And when would I be sure? I wondered. After child birth? After the SIDS danger zone passed? Or was it too late? I felt the anger might choke me as I pressed my hand on my quiet belly.

Jack woke up. He was equally concerned. We lay there discussing what to do. The heartbeat was there but should we still call the doctor? Five minutes later a gentle poke. Then another. In total about ten gentle taps and then silence.

Today he's back to his usual schedule. He's practicing his hula-hooping or whatever it is he does in there and turning my grateful womb into his punching bag. I'm not sure if I fell into a tailspin because he fell silent on the anniversary of my loss but I know that I am now officially staring at a kettle, waiting for it to boil- and well, we all know how that goes.

Anxiety

My MFM appointment went well. The tech sucked and we got no pictures but the important thing is Sunflower is doing great. He was sucking his fingers, karate chopping me and taking in huge gulps of fluid but I was surprised by his heart rate,167, since its usually in the 140s. The doctor was not concerned saying that baby heart rates fluctuate. But I felt a little guilty.

You see, I hate to admit it, but I'm getting a little nervous. I hope that my nerves are not the reason his heart rate is higher and I'm trying to control the anxiety as best I can. According to what I've read preggos at my stage often feel needy, vulnerable and lonely in the final weeks to labor- I'm feeling exactly this. I can't figure out why. Jack is supportive, we've bought almost everything we'll need, and though my friend circle isn't what it was I have caring friends always a phone call away. So I should not be feeling these feelings.

It started Friday. Some friends were discussing planning a LOST finale party since its in the final season when it hit me: LOST ends May 27. Sunflower will be here! Then today at the MFM they mentioned they don't want me going past my due date and if my cervix is ripe they want to induce me at 39 weeks. That's three weeks away. My stomach is full of a thousand butterflies just typing that.

I can't make sense of the nerves. I want my baby. I've been waiting for years to meet him. So how can the knowledge that this is finally going to happen freaking me out? I think I'm anxious about labor, breastfeeding, knowing how to care for him, I mean sure I've read a ton of books but that's all theory. I'm nervous about how much we're spending and how I don't have a job. Nervous that the house is still messy post-painter and I lack the energy to clean as I should. Nervous because his nursery looks like a tragic war zone. Just flat out nervous and its seriously making me breathe shallow and my tummy hurt. And then this makes me nervous because I shouldn't be feeling this way and I wonder what is wrong with me? and I proceed to have anxiety about my anxiety!

My mom reminded me that most of what I'm doing is for me not him. He doesn't care about bed ruffles or monkeys on the walls, the perfect onesie, or how messy our living room is. He just wants to be loved, fed and have a place to sleep. I'm trying to reign in the anxiety by taking walks, deep breathing and figuring out what else to do. It's such a weird mind-body disconnect because I am anxiously counting down to the due date but now I'm also anxiously nervous about the due date.

I hesitate even posting this. I feel I've said all this before in many different ways and I probably sound ungrateful. While I may be repetitive I'm not ungrateful. I love Sunflower more than I knew I could. I don't want to feel this way- I just do. Sigh.

The tourist buying real estate

We found a crib we love, a $500 Berg crib on clearance for $200. The only issue is the mattress hanger is designed different than other cribs. We would never have noticed this had the crib been displayed like a store model but we noticed and now we wonder. Research has yielded no insight on this particular hanger and considering I have nightly dreams about this crib floating around in the air, I think if its still there Saturday we're going to buy it.

Buying a crib is huge but its not a financial investment as much as it is an emotional one. The first thing Jack said when we saw the crib was, are you sure you don't want to wait until he's here to buy one? Just to, you know, be sure? I'm almost 8 months pregnant and though we've scrubbed most of the fear away, a tinge remains like filmy residue.

I checked my preggo ticker today. I'm 57 days away from my due date. 57 is close to 50 which is near 40 which is near 30 which is. . . . and then suddenly it hits me: I'm going to be a mother. Despite the round belly, the injections, the ultrasounds, it hasn't sunk in. I know this from the way I clutch my baby bargains book and walk around baby stores like a tourist in Istanbul. It's like we're pretending, wouldn't it be fun to live here? but ofcourse tourists don't actually buy the local real estate. They look and dream. Except the days are coming closer. The odds increasingly in my favor. My life is going to change.

I've been on this journey for so long trying to make sure the wheels don't fall off, that the windshield wipers function, and the AC keeps cooling that I forgot to notice the green signs on the highway telling me you're almost there. Holy Shit. How amazing. How beautiful. How terrifying.

I suddenly feel unprepared. Not in physical items (though yeah- that too) but more so just processing how huge this is. I've dreamed of, waited for, and wanted him for so long.
I'm in amazement at the innocence of these little feet poking my insides and the hiccups that gently rock my stomach, the heart that now sounds more human than theoretical. Like all babies resting in their mother's wombs, he is pure and whole and good. I hope I will be worthy of this beautiful child. I hope I don't fuck up.

Gestational Diabetes- waiting waiting waiting

I'm frustrated. I was told to take the one-hour test at 28w3d into my pregnancy. Most people take it earlier than that from what I understand. I found out at 29weeks that I failed the one hour so spectacularly I don't need the three hour test to confirm my gestationally diabetic status. The nurse told me Friday that someone will call Monday or Tuesday to set me up for a class and get me the supplies I need to monitor myself. Okay, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? I am reading blogs, your comments, researching on different sites to figure out how to eat but I don't enjoy doing this "on my own". I want the class and the meter NOW so I can know what to do.

Since the diagnosis I've made changes. No more cereal with a glass of OJ for breakfast. Now I eat egg with whole grain toast. I got low calorie OJ and I dilute it by drinking 3/4 water 1/4 juice. I'm eating vegetable soups for lunch and salads with protein for dinner. For snacks I eat apples or grapefruit or a glass of milk and I always combine it with some sort of protein like cheese or nuts. I also am going to do light walking after dinner which I read can help. I'm also trying to eat a snack before bedtime.

But how do I know any of this is working? Thanks to PCOS I have Insulin Resistance and so I don't know if diet alone is going to do anything? I might need insulin shots as we speak and I don't know. I am scared that my baby is growing too big, that he might be in the NICU, that there may be complications I can't foresee.

The reason I'm stressing out more than usual is that my insurance is ending Friday. My new insurance is with Tri-care which is a little complicated. I have an appointment March 4 to get into the system and then I have another appointment March 8 with a primary care manager to refer me to see the doctors I'm already seeing. It's a weird system but its what I have to work with. Essentially if I don't get my class and meters this week I may not get them until mid-March around week 32.

I've explained this to my doctor's office and they say they get it and will make sure I get in this week. The nurse gave me the number of the coordinator who should be calling me and told me to ring her up if I don't hear from her by Wednsday. Wednesday? That seems so far away. I have no reason to disbelieve them when they say they'll get me in this week, they're always efficient, but the stress of feeling like its very late in the game to start addressing GD, and wondering if the diet I'm doing is right, and worrying about my upcoming insurance gap is all giving me a major headache.

If you made it this far into the vent, thanks for listening. Just feeling a bit like my hands are tied behind my back. Am I making too much of the GD diagnosis? If I am, please tell me. I really am okay with watching what I eat- I've done South Beach in the past and I'm used to it. I'm just scared of what can happen if my best efforts aren't working as time continues to tick.

Gestational Diabetes- results ***Updated

Well as expected, I flunked.

Normal levels: 130 or below.
Me: 211

The nurse didn't seem overly concerned and I'm scheduled for a three hour on Monday. She said despite this high result I could still pass the three hour. I had the blood draw Tuesday and I got results Friday which is a long time so I'm wondering when I'll get results from Monday's test and I'm wondering if I should go ahead and start a South Beach type diet just incase. The nurse said I didnt need to, but I'm wondering if I should.

I expected it but my old friend fear is starting to whisper again since GD does put you at elevated risk of stillbirth according to some websites I've read. Luckily that fear is kind of being stuffed under a mattress at the moment because I cannot handle even considering that.

I will go ahead and hope I pass the three hour, but given my history I also accept the reality that I will fail. I just hope that regardless, Sunflower will be okay. I can live without eating cakes or white rice, but I don't want to live without him.

**Updated**: The nurse called back to say that she misspoke and because my levels are above 200 I actually do have Gestational Diabetes so there's no need for a three hour test. I go for nutrition classes and will be more closely monitored by MFM.

I'm disappointed because I'm scared of the risks associated with it (jaundice, difficulty breathing, increased risk (50/50 chance) of type II diabetes later in life, birth defects. . .) but I'm trying to be positive about it. It is a common diagnosis and doctors have made great advances on how to manage it. Plus, I started off my pregnancy ten pounds overweight and I gained about 30 pounds since. Eating a controlled diet will ensure I'm not letting myself go more and will teach me healthier eating habits. Often my biggest challenge with losing weight or eating strict is will power but I have one helluva reason to stick to my diet. If I said in the past I'd hang upside down naked from a tree to keep my pregnancy, I can certainly pass on rice and sugar.

Have any of you gotten the GD? I heard that it means they will induce you the week before or the week of your due date and won't let you go past the date. I'm scared of C-Sections, and Pitocin, and all things associated with labor that is not natural, but at the same time if the end result is a healthy baby in my arms, that's what matters, truly, that is it.

Happy 29 weeks to me!

Braxton Hicks- Still hoping**

Last night as I slept I kept waking up feeling a little bit of pressure in my pelvic region. It could simply be constipation or gas, but that plus the uterine tightening that's continuing today plus the brown spotting yesterday all made me think I should call my doctor. I thought they'd dismiss it and put a red flag next to my name as the crazy person, but they are having me see them in a few hours. Hopefully its nothing.

**Updated: At the doctor's office when I went to change I saw that my spotting turned into pink spotting. The doctor said my cervix is closed and she can't figure out the source of the spotting but she is having a fFN test done. If its negative I think it means I won't go into labor during the next two weeks and if its positive she'll want me to go to the hospital for further testing. She said if its negative and I still see spotting tomorrow to have my MFM appointment pushed up so they can measure my cervix length. I should get the results of the test this evening or tomorrow morning.

*****Updated: The doctor just called and said the fFN test is negative! If spotting continues I'm to go to MFM and get an u/s of my cervix and she urged me not to ignore my symptoms. It's so hard to balance in my mind what is something to be concerned about, and what is just fear echoing in my mind. Hopefully the spotting stops and next Wednesday at my MFM they can measure a hard and closed cervix.

May. Cannot. Come. Fast. Enough.
Sigh

Evil Eye

I'm well educated and am fairly good at using my reason. In fact, I did quite well on the logical reasoning section of the GRE and the LSAT. However, in some areas, particularly the realm of paranoia, I can be quite primal. There is a concept in the culture my parents grew up in called evil eye. It's a concept that dates back thousands of years and is alive and well in many cultures, in fact, when we visited Turkey we saw blue eyes stuck on people's doors, shops, and embedded into concrete benches overlooking the Aegean Sea designed to ward off the nefarious evil eye.

If you're not familiar with the concept,its basically a belief that the jealousy or bad vibes of others towards you can actually affect your life. Growing up, my parents never referred to the evil eye, but the concept was ever present. We didn't announce promotions, or awards, and other achievements to the community at large. It could be termed modesty, but a part of it was also the evil eye concept. A fear that perhaps sharing the news could shatter it. This may sound strange to many of you, but when you're raised with a certain concept, you can tend to believe in it wholeheartedly even though the logical part of your brain says no, just because someone is thinking bad thoughts of me, doesn't mean my life will crumble due to their thoughts!

Someone I know who does not like me found out about my pregnancy. She is a major gossip and and in the three years I've known her she has never had a kind thing to say about anyone. I've witnessed her take joy in other people's sadness and so I avoid her like the plague. This person also struggles with IF and has been trying to conceive for three years. Jack just got a text from her husband saying Congrats we just heard about K's pregnancy! We are so excited for you guys and will keep you in our prayers. Instantly my primal caveman mentality clubbed me over the head and my first thought was thank God we waited this long to share our news with people! and then OMG did I donate recently? Must. Ward. Off. Evil. Eye.

This reaction of course surprises me. I tell myself logically that this girl and her negative feelings towards me will not influence the outcome of my pregnancy, but its hard to push away a lifetime of teaching. My mom still hasn't told relatives the gender of my baby because of evil eye and the fact that many of my relatives will be envious I am having a son. Jack's mom doesn't plan to announce my pregnancy until I have the child. I share this to show you how much this concept permeates my life on a subtle level.

I guess on its most simple level its just weird to know that people out there who would smile if they heard bad news, now know about my pregnancy. I know I need to just snap out of it and just accept that she knows. I will say a small prayer of thanks. Donate to March of Dimes. And tell myself that even if evil eye is real on some level, God Willing, it won't affect me.

Please don't think I'm weird. Other than this, I'm fairly normal.

Any logical rebuttals to help cure me are much appreciated!

Baby Loot and Hope

When I found out I was pregnant I told myself I would allow myself a baby outfit once I hit the second trimester. Since then I've literally walked into Carter's five times, glanced from side to side like a wary cat and then fled out as fast as I could. I'm not sure why but just being in the baby store made my heart beat faster and I would begin to feel a little nauseous. I began wondering if we'd be bringing my son home in May in a diaper and nothing more. Yesterday I went to an outlet store near my house and decided to once again try it out. One little outfit, I told myself, just one. Baby steps. Well, I was a lot more successful this time:

My favorite purchase was a pack of onesies with elephants. As I've said before I feel I'm gestating an elephant so it was fitting to buy a few elephant clothes. It was amazing to show these clothes to Jack. He ran his hand over them and said I feel like we bought these as a gift for someone else. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that this is for our child. I think it was very important for us to do this. Just yesterday Jack mentioned going to a local baby furniture store to browse at cribs, something he refused to even discuss just a week earlier.

He told me our MFM tech helped him change perspective. When I lay there getting the ultrasound I kept firing questions, what's the cervix looking like? How's the amniotic fluid? What percentile is he in? And then she laughed a little and very gently said I know you've been through a lot and I understand that you're scared but what happened before does not predict what will happen. This is your time to enjoy pregnancy and feel excitement at what is to come. Lay back and just look at him, really look at him and let yourself feel happy. And just like that we stopped talking and stared at this little miracle on the screen, sucking his thumb and stretching his legs, his eyes shut tight. For Jack that was his moment, his epiphany to embrace hope and try to work on letting go of the fear that's gripped us by the throat.

We feel like toddlers walking on wobbly legs with this whole hope business, but the more I walk on its path the more sure footed I hope it will feel.

Managing the fears of others

Just because I am feeling better about things and a little more hopeful does not mean I can control those around me. Jack still asks with a nervous hint in his voice if I'm okay when I use the restroom in the middle of the night. If I grimace or make any sort of expression he immediately asks what's the matter? what's wrong? are you okay? I get it. Just beacuse I'm not as scared anymore doesn't mean I can turn this switch off in others.

Then there's my mother. I love my mom but since I got pregnant again she's been very concerned. Considering we share genetic makeup I should not fault her for being a bit of a worry-wart but the fear is beginning to wear on me. My parents live 7 hours from us and we spent the holidays with them. If I jumped to reach something, went out past 10pm with Jack, took a long walk, she chided me telling me to not over exert! In the past I would have gotten mad but I realize she says this out of a place of love and we don't see one another daily so I bit my tongue and let her rebuke me.

Then began the phone calls. We used to talk a few times a week and if she called and I wasn't there it wasn't a big deal, I'd call her in the evening or the next day. But now its different. Now, she calls my home phone, then my cell phone, and then will repeat every twenty minutes and then she will call JACK saying frantically that she can't reach me causing Jack to panic causing a big unnecessary mess.

Granted, I should have my phone on me at all times but sometimes I'm in the shower, or out shopping where there is no reception and its simply not possible. I know she is afraid that me not picking up means I'm passed out on the floor somewhere (since its happened a few times) but its getting tiring to feel tense wondering if she's calling and I missed the call or being nervous to mention I cleaned the tub because I shouldn't be kneeling while pregnant! It's gotten to the point that when she calls I cringe. And I HATE that because I LOVE my mom.

I talked to her gently yesterday and told her that if she calls me once and leaves a message I will call her back when I can. She apologized but I know that this isn't going to stop. It's difficult sometimes to move forward with optimism when everyone around you is biting their nails and shaking their head waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Doctor Vent

The doctor's appointment went fine but the more I rotate the more I realize how much I like my real doctor. I feel like one of those kids with the lower lip quivering when the step-mom tries to be nice and they say but you're not my real mom! I don't want to be induced if I don't have to, but I do think that one positive of scheduling when I deliver would be coordinating my own OB to deliver Sunflower because so far my two experiences with the other doctors have been unpleasant.

The last time I saw a rotating doctor, I asked if I was expanding too much and he pulled up my chart and said well you have two kids so you grow larger with each subsequent pregnancy. He simply glanced at my chart, saw prior pregnancies but failed to see that I miscarried. I felt too horrified to correct him but then tried working it in later by saying I'm just a little nervous because I've had two miscarriages. He did a double take at my chart and looked a little sheepish but it was clear he had not read my chart or had any clue who I was.

Still he was an angel compared to the doctor I saw today. I wanted to talk about breastfeeding and PCOS with Dr. M since I know I may have issues and my local La Leche League contact person suggested I talk to my healthcare provider. Dr. M had no idea about PCOS and said that's just silly that PCOS would cause low milk supply, just because its on the internet doesn't make it true. I do NOT appreciate being condescended to. First off, you don't know anything about PCOS and since I have the diagnosis I happen to be informed, and second of all do you think I got my information just based on a random message board? I stood my ground and told her no I read scientific journals that published studies on PCOS and breast milk supply. Only then did she concede there could be a correlation. She then chided me on worrying about preterm labor saying look, move on from your miscarriages, you are in different territory now. I get what she was trying to say, but she said it in such a curt manner I felt I got scolded by my mother. You know what lady? If I'm scared about a symptom I will call and ask. You only have to deal with me until May, so deal with it. It was frustrating and she was in a rush to get done so we were in and out in ten minutes.

My next appointment at 28 weeks will be with Dr. T who is notoriously mean. The internet is filled with former patients and horror stories. She was the doctor on call when I was miscarrying my second pregnancy. When she called me back I said I'm pregnant but I'm bleeding a lot, her response: Yeah? And? I will never forget her lack of compassion and her nonchalant attitude about miscarrying, if you're miscarrying its not a big deal, it'll feel like a heavy period. Let me tell you, miscarrying a nearly seven week fetus is NOT like having your period. I told my regular OB I don't want Dr. T but she said that Dr. T is nicer now and has realized she was too harsh. But, still.

I'm disappointed by the doctor experience but at least baby-wise things look good. I'm excited about my MFM on Wednesday. He is a sweetheart and luckily I don't have to rotate with him. Seems like there a few of you, Susan and Kate, with ultarsounds Wednesday. Hopefully we will all hear good news that all is well!

Houston, we have viability!

I am 24 weeks pregnant. Wow. Just. . . wow. Does this make me six months? I haven't really figured out the month system but Sunflower is viable. Just barely, but now he has a chance and a chance is bigger than anything I could have imagined when I started this journey. Sometimes I catch my breath as I realize this might really happen. To be honest, even though I love my son, I haven't really allowed myself to daydream what it will be like when he's here. Right now that's an abstract concept. As I hit 24 I'm wondering when it will hit me that this is happening.

Viable is awesome but I must remind my son that he's not yet done baking because the way he's been stomping on my cervix I think he wants to come out and play. Last night I rubbed my belly and spoke to him, asking him to please stop, and . . . he did. It was amazing to interact with him, to soothe him. If only I could convince him to kick me in the ribs now instead.

I went to a book club today and one of the girls asked me when are you due? I stared at her, really? I look pregnant? You couldn't wipe that dumb grin off my face. [Hopefully I'll get a belly shot posted soon!]

In another effort to embrace hopefulness I finally got a copy of Baby Bargains to get an idea of what's out there and then promptly proceeded to panic because cribs and the like can apparently take many weeks to ship and the April date I've set to go shopping for things may be too late. Jack is insisting he does not want to baby shop yet so maybe I will start doing a little bit of exploring on my own to see what is out there.

Still having my fearful moments. Still wondering if the twinge or the pull is the beginning of the end but doing a lot better than I was. Kate's advice to make small goals is helping. My new goal is to reach 26 weeks. That's manageable, not quite as scary as waiting for week 40. Though the lab results said I did not have an infection, I'm fairly convinced something funny is going on since it kind of hurts to go to the bathroom and I just feel odd. I have my monthly OB appointment Monday and then I see the MFM on Wednesday so I'm being patient and waiting until then to see what is going on.

In the meantime I'm six times four. I'm 12 plus 12. I'm 24. Twenty Four weeks. And I'm happy.

Unintentionally hopeful

Jack and I decided a long time ago we would not get ready for the baby until April. This has not been a problem since a) I don't like shopping and b) you know, the whole being scared of the future thing. Even buying maternity clothes involved my mother dragging me to a store and marching me into the dressing room because I was perfectly content mushrooming.

The yard people finished up and what was once a jungle where you might reasonably think the wild things are, is now a yard. There are still plenty of trees, but so much more sunlight which means in a few weeks we can lay down sod and grass can grow. Jack came home today and we stepped outside to take a look at the new yard.

It looks amazing, he said putting an arm around me. Sunflower is going to love playing back here now. I nodded and smiled, I feel so relieved I was wondering where he could play if he couldn't play in the back yard. Jack patted my belly and leaned in close, can't wait until you're here to see the yard we made for you.

And then we looked at each other with surprise. We did this for sunflower. Somehow without realizing we engaged in act of faith that one day he will play here. That he will be here. Myndi reflected on the topic of fear, that either way, hoping or fearing, you have no control, so why not be a little hopeful just for your own sanity. It is so difficult to be hopeful when so many beautiful people are experiencing pain and loss around you, and you yourself have tasted this pain yourself. You know you are no more worthy or better, and that this game of doling out loss makes no sense. It makes you feel like you're all pinned to trees and blindfolded monkeys fling darts at random. It can leave you feeling paralyzed and helpless. I guess the key is to realize you are helpless, but you have to go on and live your life just the same.

I looked at the empty flower beds and turned to Jack, come May we're planting sunflowers.

Changing my due date!

I am changing my due date! Well, sort of. In the pursuit of being less fearful I decided to change my perspective on the whole due date thing. May feels like its about 200 years away and when I feel like I'm gestating an elephant it makes the whole gestating thing feel overwhelming. I become full term at 37 weeks. April 12. So that's that then. That's what I'm shooting for. Not May 7. April 12. That is a mere 3 months away. And that makes me feel a whole lot better.

As an aside, the tree people are here and each time they chop down a tree they yell out, Yee Haw! They are working really hard and I don't envy their task but their whoops and hollers are making me giggle and feel a little wistful. Must be nice to feel yeehaw about the work you do, you know?

Epiphany

I have a list of things to get done around the house that could loop around my neighborhood twice. Well, not exactly, but it certainly feels that way sometimes. One of the things giving me the most grief has been the pine trees in our backyard. We have a postage stamp sized back yard with enough pine trees to be declared a national forest. No joke, at least 30 pine trees on a quarter acre lot. Our backyard has the potential to be lovely but because of this overgrown forest perched on a hill behind our home the backyard gets no sunlight so its grass-free and kind of dark there. This has never been a big deal but with a baby on the way I've wanted to get some of these trees down and some pruned so we can have light and get some grass there. We've asked a few places and the costs have been prohibitive. We heard its cheaper to get trees cut in the winter so we planned to do that this year but I kept putting it off.

Today as I sat down to watch my DVR'd Big Love, the doorbell rang. Luckily Jack was home (because I don't open my door for strangers!) and it turned out to be a landscaping group down on their luck knocking door to door asking if we needed work done. Why yes we do! They quoted us a price half the cost of the other estimates and they're getting started tomorrow. They also threw in replacing our pine straw in the beds and cleaning out our gutters (another thing on my to do list).

You might be wondering what any of this has to do with anything but this simple random event gave me an an epiphany: I worry too much. You might be shaking your head thinking I've read your blog for two weeks and I could have told you that. I know I'm a worry wart but today it hit me that all that worrying won't solve anything. Some things I can control and sometimes some things work themselves out [granted they haven't done the work yet so it remains to be seen if I can check it off, but I'm choosing to be optimistic].

Sometimes us worry-warts think that if we worry ourselves silly the bad thing won't happen because we're on guard. But today something I've fretted about since August just got wiped off my list without me making a single phone call. Something good happened while I was off guard. Good things can happen even if you're not on guard at all times. I think I can let my guard down a little. I'm worrying so hard about the well being of my son but I need to learn to be vigilant without the burden of destructive worry. I think I can let go of the reigns because today I got a small understanding that I'm not really the one pulling them anyways.

Rantings of a nut**

I wasn't going to blog about this because I feel so dumb. Plus, I don't want to be one of those blogs that just kind of waxes on about the same exact thing over and over again in finitum. But then I thought, this is my space to let myself say what I'm feeling so I will. If you are tired of my endless paranoia please skip this post.

I think little guy might have stomped on my cervix because I was just sitting there watching Public Enemies and felt a weird feeling on my cervix from inside the womb. I know babies River Dance on their mother's cervix so I didn't freak. Then half an hour later I felt a weird pain high up in my vagina where the cervix is. It lasted 30-60 seconds and then it went away. It got me a bit more paranoid but again- y'all have told me this is normal, so I didn't freak. Then I went to use the bathroom and when I wiped a red little mucus strand type thing came out and then some slight discharge clear and whitish. The red ball of mucus was very small, the size of a grain of rice, but when it comes to my vagina, my least favorite color is red no matter how big or small.

Little guy is giving me occassional taps. His heartbeat is going strong. I have no more discharge, nor do I have any other signs that anything is amiss. So I'm telling myself that all is well and that this mucus thing might be leftover from the suppository I took for BV (which btw- a lab test confirmed I DID NOT have and was advised to stop taking the suppository three days into treatment?) But I'm nervous because well, I don't like red anywhere near or around that area.

I'm feeling stupid. I don't want to call the doctor tomorrow to have the same nurse call once again to hear this paranoid person saying she's scared. I'm feeling eye rolls if I walk in and they examine me and tell me all is well. I keep asking Jack, should I call tomorrow. He says I should just to give me peace of mind. So I guess I will, but I'm feeling like the boy who cried wolf. Except I'm not doing this for attention. I'm not doing this on purpose. I'm just a nut.

**Thank you for reassuring me its okay. I sometimes forget I'm allowed to call and not feel bad about it. The nurse said to monitor it and if it happens again to call. From the sound of it she thinks its just leftover suppository that may have irritated my cervix. I feel better that I said something though. I guess despite how far into this pregnancy I am I'll be resorting to the phrase I used to get me through the first: So far so good.

K, the fidgety passenger

I'm making my way through Stirrup Queen's 2009 Creme de la Creme list and I'm blown away by these touching, beautiful posts. I felt particularly moved by Irish Man's post about pregnancy after loss, it truly captures it:

This pregnancy is like a smooth long-haul flight…we know that flying is generally safe, but we’re the jumpy passengers that freak everyone else out. Every rumble of turbulence makes us thing we’re going down.

My best friend has babies on command. She decides and then she is. A month after me she got pregnant on her first try. Two days before her first OB visit she casually mentioned how her symptoms were not as strong. I said nothing but felt my heart panic. When she returned from the visit she told me about her husband's nightmare through traffic, her funny doctor, and I had to interrupt her shouting but did they hear a heartbeat!?! She was quiet for a second and I could practically hear her rolling her eyes, yes!

I'm a jumpy passenger and lately I've realized I'm one of those people who tend to read scary stories of other people's flights and then wondering if my flight path will be the same. I read a few blogs about people who lost babies at 23 weeks and felt my chest constrict as tears slipped down my face. My cousin's wife just delivered a baby one month early, and suddenly my round ligament pain feels ominous. I find myself googling a few times each night about preterm birth. A lot of mothers who have lost babies to preterm birth say to trust your instincts about something being wrong but I'm flinching and jumping constantly. I don't know if I even have instincts when it comes to this anymore, just fear. This is not to say I'm not enjoying the pregnancy. To some degree I am. I love seeing my belly move when he does pilates, and I love listening to his heartbeat and watching my belly expand with each passing day. I love him so much and this love brings with it fear. I long to be like Susan at Sprogblogger who got the beautiful two lines and is already ecstatic, choosing joy over fear. In the alternative, I long for May, beautiful sweet May of budding flowers and chirping birds and my son: safe, healthy, happy in my arms.

Gas, I'm going with gas

I'm 23 weeks pregnant today and my belly literally popped again. I swear I look bigger today than I did yesterday. I thought this whole growing thing was supposed to be gradual but I feel like I bloomed. With this growth spurt I've started feeling pain in my upper abdomen that travels down the right side of my body. It's not a contraction since its not exactly in my uterus, at least I don't think. We went out for sushi (nonfishy california rolls for me!) and as we shopped at Target later that evening I felt the pain get stronger, but still it felt like gas, a whole lot of it radiating. I'm assuming its not in the usual place gas would be because the belly is kind of intruding on all other organs at this point. We went home and I'm now lying down sipping water and have a heating pad on the offending area and googling the heck out of all of this but it feels better now. I only drank a few glasses of water yesterday and today so that could be the culprit. I felt tempted to call my doctor but I'm monitoring it to see if it goes away. So far, if I get up and walk around it comes back, if I lie down and use the heating pad its fine. I hope it goes away for good tomorrow when I wake up.

Off topic, I just finished reading The Help. A very touching story of infertility and loss in there, and a really great book overall. If you're looking for a good read I highly recommend it.

BV, we meet again

I went to the OB today and he confirmed I do indeed have bacterial vaginosis- again. I must never have gotten rid of it considering I recently finished the course of treatment. Now I'm taking suppositories for it which are class B drugs but because the first drug didn't work this is the next course of action. I'm nervous but he said it only poses risk in the first trimester when organs are in their critical stage of development. So I'm still taking meds for the UTI, I took meds for the BV before, and now once again I'm taking meds. I really don't like to do this but I think I don't have a choice. I hate that. I hope they are right and it won't affect sunflower. I've also been having shooting pains in the round ligament area but so frequent it concerned me... he told me to up my water intake and it has been helping.

I'm VERY worried about this BV because studies have shown higher rates of preterm labor associated with it. Still, my cervix is long and closed, so I hope I will fall on the good side of the statistics in this area.

Can. Not. Wait. Until. May.