Late periods, PCOS and weight loss.

You guys are the best. Thank you. I would never wish our journeys on anyone but the community of support you guys provide? Everyone should be so lucky. I hope I do the same for you.

The thoughts on my last post were precipitated by my first period this month. The hope began flickering- a period meant hope of future periods- of ovulation. I grew more hopeful about three weeks ago when I had the telltale signs of ovulation right on time. I am not ready to try again, but I took this as a sign that I'd be one of those people whose bodies became normal after having a child.

No period.

I'm now quite late- I've been bloated, crampy, PMS-y but- no period. It might come. I hope it will. But now its late. It's late. And it means that my friend PCOS is still here ready to party.

I'm not on Metformin, the one that helped regulate me because my OB said to hold off while I am nursing- so I'm trying to figure out what to do. The weight- despite my greatest efforts- is not budging. I can't fit into most of my clothes pre-pregnancy and the weight issue is beginning to take over my thoughts. This isn't me. I feel like I'm wearing a warm winter coat over my real body. But thanks to PCOS losing the weight is infinitely harder.

There are many reasons to lose weight. Feeling confident, fitting into clothes again, preventing diabetes, but most of all its getting rid of PCOS. My doctor says if I can lose the weight, the PCOS will go away.

Now that he's on solids I'm trying to be stricter with my diet. I want to fix this. As much as PCOS is a culprit hurting my metabolism, and making me fight harder than other people to see a drop in the scale- the truth? The truth is I do eat thing that are bad for me and I have to give myself longer than a month of not seeing the scale budge before I give up.

So here's hoping. Hoping that by May. My son's birthday- I can be at a normal BMI again like I was once-upon-a-time- I'd like to think that I don't want to try again until I'm there- but then I wonder if I'll ever get there so I am hesitant to make such a bold assertion.

PS: I don't post much here because I am posting more at my regular non-anonymous site if you want the link just send me an e-mail- I've gotten over my paranoia on that :)

The OB appointment

Jeez has it been that long since my last post? Me of the two posts a day? Each night as I try to drift off to sleep I compose long eloquent posts in my head but somehow these thoughts haven't been making it to an actual post.

The OB post-partum appointment went OK. They didn't check my blood sugars because I wasn't fasting and it had to be a two hour test. No one had told me this and no one seemed particularly in a hurry to get me checked for this. The OB told me just to do that on my next annual check up. I was terrified of the pelvic exam. T.e.r.r.i.f.i.e.d. I heart my OB but that woman checks me out down there like she's working on a car and I'm usually biting my lip to fight back tears. So naturally I was scared of the pain when she did it, but what actually happened was much worse: it didn't hurt at all. Like, I could hardly tell she did anything. Why aren't you doing cartwheels about this? You might ask. Well, um, (TMI. . . BUT-) how big am I now down there? She said see? It didn't hurt that's because a baby went through you. Yikes. We haven't done the deed since the baby has arrived and our eight year anniversary is Sunday- and um, I'm scared now.

She said that because I have a third degree tear that they would offer me the option of having a C-section next time because the nature of the tear meant I could have a risk of destroying my rectum area (or something like that). She said the risk was low but there. Great. Anyone with a 3+ degree tear have any insight on this by any chance?

I asked for Metformin and she said that since I'm nursing she didn't recommend it. It wasn't bad for nursing she said, but since the reason I'd be on it is to ovulate regularly and I'm not TTC right now, why not wait? I told her my weight is easier to lose when I'm on Met because it regulates my hormones but she said that wasn't a good enough reason to take Met and that nursing should help me get the weight losing boost I need. Sigh.

I asked her if I'd have to have Lovenox the next time (its cracking me up that I'm all assuming a next time but you gotta hope) and she said yes, we can't be sure it was the lovenox that saved this pregnancy but you had two miscarriages without it and one successful pregnancy with it so why rock the boat? She's right, but I guess it means I'll never have an option to have a natural birthing experience.

Our conversation left me wondering for days now, rolling her words over and over my mind, I had a successful pregnancy with it, without it, I miscarried. I have my baby now and I thought once he was here the pain of what I lost would vanish but the holes remain. What if I had lovenox then? What would Speck or Bug have been like? Out of all the combination of us that existed, which one would they have been? Seeing Sunflower, holding him, I'm so grateful and there are moments I'm wistful because he makes their possibilities more real. It's strange to feel that way because if I had them, I would not have him. In fact, because of losing Bug, I have Sunflower. This time last year I was pregnant with Bug though I did not know it at the time. That loss gave me my first normal ovulation ever and it was that cycle that my son was conceived. I shudder to think if I had listened to my OB who told me to wait a cycle before trying again. I shudder to think if I couldn't convince Jack to ignore that recommendation. I still remember that night, pleading. And now he's here. One day I will tell him what we went through to bring him into this world but I'll never guilt him with the shots I took for him or the labor I went through for him because as much as it was for him it was for me. because it was all selfish, so I could melt a million times over holding him in my arms. And he is worth everything.

Conversations

As I said in the earlier post I had to have some conversations today, both with Dr. MFM to convince her to give me a weight estimate (they only do it every four weeks and it was only three weeks), and then with my OB to see how far I could go without inducing.

Dr. MFM agreed to weigh Sunflower and I was scared they'd tell me I was on track to birth a ten pound baby but he measured 7lb5oz: 50th percentile. Not much more than his weight three weeks ago (6lb14oz). Dr. MFM even if we are off by a pound, he's 8.5 pounds. Nothing alarming and I'm amazed considering I have GD. I got excited and suggested maybe we can go past my due date then by a week or so to see if he can come naturally? To this she emphatically shook her head. It's not the GD baby she's worried about but more that each day I pass my due date the risks associated with thrombophilia go up and if I chose to go past the due date it would be against medical advice though she admitted that the odds are in my favor should I go past my due date the baby would most likely be okay.

I honestly believe I'd be fine going past my due date but three out of four doctors are urging me to not pass my due date so I'm not going to fight it. I talked to the OB's nurse. She's going to get me scheduled to go to the hospital Thursday night for cervadil to attempt to ripen the cervix and then induction Friday morning. A step-OB will be on call but oh well. I'd rather wait until Thursday night with the hope that perhaps my body can get more favorable in the next few days, rather than go in tonight and always wonder.

I'm doing my best to let go of my need to be in control. I'm going to continue taking the evening primrose oil and walking and hoping and praying he comes on his own time before induction- but- I'm accepting I can't control when he comes and what happens if I'm induced. I'm going to write my birth plan (or birth hopes would be more accurate) tonight and mentally ready myself for whatever may come Friday.

Lady in Waiting

I woke up at 3am last night with painful gas pains and my uterus hard as a rock every few minutes. Wasn't able to fall back asleep. It wasn't a labor contraction because after the practice runs, I have a hint of what actual labor contractions might be like and braxton hicks contractions are just cute little bunnies really. This morning I called the OB and they told me a med to take to ease the pains. I was going to head to babysrus and return some gifts, and do some shopping at the mall but I'm a little scared by last night's contractions and don't really want to leave the house because I don't know how well I could drive if those contractions attacked me while I was out. Luckily the pharmacy is less than a mile away.

Tomorrow I have a repeat amniotic fluid scan at the MFM. If it went down significantly again- tomorrow might be the day I meet Sunflower. So, if you don't hear from me tomorrow night- you'll know what happened. [But- I'm not holding my breath] As I sit here, a lady in waiting, I'm trying to find ways to occupy my time.

1. Practicing the moby wrap on a stuffed teddy.
2. FINISHED packing the hospital bag.
3. Power walking in the neighborhood [well its a power walk for me, bearing in mind I waddle mostly these days- most people would call it an old lady shuffle]
4. Making thank you gift bags for the nurses. I've heard from nurse friends that this is most appreciated. I'm thinking of putting in some lollipops and chocolates with a little note that says Thanks for taking care of my mommy, love, Sunflower.
5. Organizing duplicate gifts to return to BRU and Target.
6. Installing the car seat
7. Making a mental list of the stuff I will eat once the baby comes out (Strawberry milkshake from Steak-n-Shake, chocolate chip cookies, soft serve frozen yogurt, a nice frosted cupcake).
8. Bribing sunflower with promises of TV viewing and anything naughty he wants if he will just come out [don't intend to follow through but I'm betting he wont remember!]

Any other ideas on how to help pass the time as productively as possible most appreciated!

Showers and Inductions

The baby shower of which I've written incessantly and you, like true friends, have tolerated patiently is now over. To those of you who urged me to have one, who told me I'd regret it if I didn't: you were right. My friends did an amazing job. The decorations, the personalized goody bags, the delicious food, the generosity of my friends with the gifts blew my mind. How many showers have I left early, driving home as hot salty tears ran down my face? How many excuses did I make to avoid going after my losses? I'm glad I got to experience what its like to be a normal pregnant person. I'm glad I got to sit with people touching my belly and telling me labor horror stories and ooh and aw over onesies. I feel overwhelmed. As soon as I get pics I will put some up!

Another reason I feel overwhelmed is I allowed myself sweets despite the GD and I seriously am shaking and fidgety like I inhaled a bag of crack. Sunflower too, is mighty stoked. I checked my numbers and I was high but not above my numbers. Phew.

As soon as it was over I came home and stared at my belly, willing myself to be the urban legend "she had the shower and went into labor that night!" I know, I sound demented but hope is a crazy thing. The biggest gift of all is wrapped up inside my womb right now. Anyways, I've learned that while the mind is a powerful thing, its not enough to put you in labor at will. I'm walking, eating spicy food, and tomorrow we're going to eat lunch at a famous place in town where the Eggplant dish purportedly puts women into labor. The only one we're not trying is the only one proven to work, the sex. I feel like I swallowed a bowling ball so the thought of getting jiggy with it just doesn't appeal at the moment.

In any case, I'm happy. So incredibly happy. When I feel this happy I sometimes get scared that it will be snatched from me because happiness is a temporary gift sometimes. I'm going to try to let that fear go and just relish the moment right now of feeling like a normal pregnant person.

Finding anger in silence

Yesterday was kind of a rough day for me. Its the day I believe I lost Speck one year ago. I miscarried him a week later but yesterday was when all my symptoms disappeared and I had called my doctor in a state of panic telling her I felt the baby died. She dismissed it telling me symptoms can vanish with time. Later I dealt with a lot of anger at this dismissal though today I realize that even if she had taken me seriously, nothing could have been done to prevent the outcome.

I'm not sure what came over Sunflower yesterday but he decided yesterday was a great day to go from squirmy pokey jumpy baby into a hibernating bear. He just stopped moving. He has his on days and off days so for most of the day I thought nothing of it until later in the evening when I realized I hadn't really felt him move all day. So, I tried the usual things that get him moving, I poked him, drank cold water, jiggled my belly- nothing. Nothing. Before going to bed I listened to him on the cheapo doppler I bought and haven't used in weeks. I could hear a heartbeat but it sounded faint and in the 130's. Still- I told myself it was him and all was well. But I couldn't sleep well. I kept waking up, poking, pressing, prodding- nothing.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and around 3am I went downstairs to the fridge and pulled out a sickeningly sweet pineapple drink that as a diabetic I know I shouldn't drink but I felt desperate to feel the kid move so I drank half a glass and then half a glass of ice water. I went upstairs and lay down, waiting for something- and again- nothing. I stared at the clock it was 3:15. I felt rage building in me as tears slid down my face. I felt angry. Angry that it had to be today of all days that he grew quiet. Angry that I had to worry about whether he was alive or not. Angry that there are pregnant women right now who don't think bad things can happen to them and don't live with this type of fear. I looked at the crib, the glider, thought of all his onesies and Jack who had urged me not to buy so much until we were sure. And when would I be sure? I wondered. After child birth? After the SIDS danger zone passed? Or was it too late? I felt the anger might choke me as I pressed my hand on my quiet belly.

Jack woke up. He was equally concerned. We lay there discussing what to do. The heartbeat was there but should we still call the doctor? Five minutes later a gentle poke. Then another. In total about ten gentle taps and then silence.

Today he's back to his usual schedule. He's practicing his hula-hooping or whatever it is he does in there and turning my grateful womb into his punching bag. I'm not sure if I fell into a tailspin because he fell silent on the anniversary of my loss but I know that I am now officially staring at a kettle, waiting for it to boil- and well, we all know how that goes.

Oh Baby

Apparently I''m not the only one who thinks I swallowed Jupiter. My step-OB today had a gentle talk with me about my ahem, weight gain. I've officially gained 40 pounds, up 3 pounds from two weeks ago. My belly is measuring two weeks ahead and step-OB predicts I'll be having an 8+ lb baby. Keep the tags on your baby clothes, he said. When I laughed, he looked at me sternly, I'm not kidding. Yikes. Am I seriously in danger of birthing a baby so large he won't fit into 0-3 month clothes?! [Speaking of clothes- I found the cutest baby boy clothes at bargain prices at The Children's Place outlet today. If you're having a boy you must check it out $3 plaid shorts that will make you turn to mush!]

I told him my numbers are within range though higher than they once were. He said I need to be stricter on eating low-cal food and cutting out potatoes and toast entirely despite the lack of effect it has on my sugar levels. I love little guy no matter how little or big he is, but the thought of birthing a toddler does terrify me. Here's hoping a diet change can help keep Sunflower growing as he should.

34 weeks

34 weeks! 42 days to go. Six weeks to due date. Three weeks to full term. What's been happening?

• I creak. Literally. When I sleep on my side I can feel my pelvic bones and legs making crackly noises. Since last night, I have a hard time walking come evening. My hips and pelvic area literally hurt as I walk. It hurts so much I can't put on pants standing up because bending hurts. It hurts to take the stairs. Has this happened to you?
  
• I'm also winded after a casual stroll. I plan to shed the 40 pounds I've gained during pregnancy but this wimpy behavior is troubling.
• The ute continues to grow, any day now it will need to apply for its own zip code.
• The uterus is also tightening here and there. I began recording them today and throughout the course of the day I had 9 instances of tightening. About once or twice per hour. Is this normal? Does it mean I have a higher chance of going into labor before my due date?
  
• I had a 'Murgdan' moment when she saw the OJ expiration date was her son's due date. I just bought OJ expiring May 14th, a week past the due date. Reminds me how soon its all happening (and how long OJ stays fresh). Next up: Milk expiration watch!
• My family is coming into town for the weekend. I told my mom I'd pick my brother up from the airport and she sounded confused asking are you still allowed to drive? Now I'm confused. Will there come a time in this pregnancy that I won't be able to drive?
  
• My parent's minivan will bring home our crib and glider! So excited to see them (my family, not the furniture) that I'm in full baking frenzy, none of which I can eat but. . .
• Speaking of sugar, my blood sugar is slowly climbing up each day. I haven't been overeating but the same foods I could once eat safely are now taking me dangerously to the edge of 'normal'. I hope I don't need to go on insulin.
• I just got a onesie hand embroidered with Sunflower's name but I got a 0-3 month Gerber onesie. I measured it against other 0-3 month onesies and its ridiculously smaller. If you order Gerber clothes just know they run very small. There's a chance if little dude becomes a GD giganto baby he won't even fit into his going home outfit, but still, its cute.
  
• But I am SO happy with the receiving blanket I ordered from Etsy. It was a splurge for me at $30 but the quality is great and it'll be my special 'when guests come a'knockin' baby blanket [plus the vendor is great to work with]:
• I'm still lotioning despite the presence of the stretch marks. Today as I was driving I saw a remarkable likeness to the happenings bellow my belly button:

Henceforth said stretchmarks will be lovingly referred to as Spaghetti Junction.

Jack is nesting

I thought I've been running around like a frantic bird because of hormones. Maybe its a bad case of couvades syndrome, but Jack- it seems he is nesting too. On Saturday I got out of the shower to find him vacuuming behind the sofas. Sunday I woke to find he had removed all the petals from our ceiling fan and was scrubbing them with bleach. We had a carpet salesman come by yesterday to give an estimate and suddenly he's researching carpenters on Craigslist. You have to know Jack and how much, ahem, prodding, he needs to put his plate in the sink to know how peculiar this is. Granted its still tough to buy things with him since you can see the anxiety pass over his face when we do, but in all other respects I wouldn't be surprised to walk in to find him baking cookies or something in a new york minute. And speaking of cookies, I have somehow been able to suppress my sweet tooth since getting GD but I saw a commercial for softserve ice cream and now I'm craving it like crack. I heard there's a McD's in the lobby of where I'll deliver so methinks that will be the first thing I eat post-delivery.

Spotting, Inducing, Slings

I've gotten very comfortable in this pregnancy. According to my OB too comfortable. You see, I've been brown spotting all weekend. I didn't mention it because I'm not feeling contractions so surely things are okay? I called today to tell the OB just because it was three days on and they called me in immediately. It worked out since I was due for my 32 week check up anyways. The cervix seems closed and she ordered a fFN test and the MFM will measure my cervix Wednesday to make sure all is well. I got a stern lecture to call when things are wonky since brown spotting is not normal, but in good news on the GD front she's happy with my numbers so I no longer have to test for ketones in the morning and only have to check my blood sugar twice a day. My fingers are pleased.

I told her I really wanted her to deliver my baby. She said thats possible if we induce and she'd be open to inducing me in the 39th or 40th week. I feel since I have GD I'd be induced anyways so why not plan it? Is there some harm in doing this that I'm missing? At the end of the day I just want my baby and want to feel confident in the doctor delivering the baby.

I'm having issues walking lately. I feel like the Tin Man in Oz and my upper right leg by the pelvic area is in need of a good oiling. It seriously feels like it creaks as I walk. Dr. D told me its my belly weight. I dont know. I barely move lately. A painter has been in our house for over a week changing our popcorn ceilings to smooth and painting a few rooms and has essentially turned our house into what looks like twister came through so we're living out of a guest room and are moving as much as slugs do on any given day. Can't wait until he's done. This nesting phenomenen is weird. We've lived in this house for over five years and none of the imperfections bothered me until now. I mean, is Sunflower going to raise his eyes with disgust at popcorn ceilings or scratches on the walls? Very odd.

In purchasing news, I decided to return my Balboa Sling since it looks like the type that the advisory was targeting (and the baby in the picture looks so disturbed!) and I'm considering getting a Moby wrap, but its looking mighty complicated with lots of crossing over and tying. I was the last kindergartner to master the art of shoe tying and that hasn't really improved with time. I really wanted a wrap I could quickly put on to take baby out and about and the Moby looks a bit unweildy. Do any of you use a wrap/sling that you can just kind of toss on when heading out?

32 Weeks

32 weeks! At this stage Sunflower has a 98% chance of survival and a reduced risk of serious long term disabilities. I would do a happy dance except I'd likely end up doing a happy duck waddle which is decidedly uncool.

I'm giddy about next week. The painting and other work around the house will hopefully be done by Monday, and then I have my 32 week checkups! I get to see my real OB not the Cinderella-esque step-OB's I've been rotating with for the past few months. I have a list of questions ten miles long to ask her. I'm impatiently awaiting the MFM appointment so I can see little dude again. I hope he is still in his locked and loaded head-down position he's been in since week 16 and hopefully I'll be told he does not weigh ten pounds thanks to GD.

Thanks for your encouragement in my previous post to start buying things. Today, I finally did. I ordered a car seat and stroller frame and Saturday we are seriously considering buying the crib. I ordered a sling too but apparently it can suffocate your baby? So now I'm not sure what to do. I'm now seeing the practical side of having a baby shower. I wish I hadn't so adamantly said no to my friends in the past because now I get it. The one friend who offered who I'd be comfortable back peddling with saying, um you know how I said I didn't want one, well now I do? is currently in the middle of bad marital issues, so not exactly good timing. Oh well. We're being careful with our purchases and making sure to buy good but affordable things (Amazon way cheaper than brick-n-mortar stores btw). My mom is giving us a generous amount that will help us buy the crib and all crib related things plus a pack-n-play. And maybe we'll get some gift cards post-baby that at least can offset the cost of diapers and other necessities that will surely continue to arise.

I got a call today from my cousin asking when she can buy tickets to come for two weeks after the baby. My mom is putting in her vacation request tomorrow. And I'm buying stuff. This is becoming real. As real as the little butt that is currently wiggling against the top of my uterus right now. I know I've been pregnant for 32 weeks, but its today that the giddy is hitting, the omigod the nursery is totally going to be monkey themed, the why haven't I signed up for birthing classes? OMG a baby is going to come out of where?!?

Yep, its finally hitting- and I am so thankful.

Bone Tired

I'm tired. It doesn't seem normal to be this tired. I feel like I'm walking around in a fog. My blood sugar hasn't been as low as it was when I first started checking my numbers though most days I stay in the 70's and 80's, after lunch yesterday I spiked to 140 (max 120). I thought high blood sugar would have me feeling a bit wired but I felt even more sluggish then. Luckily it was a one-time occurrence but this exhaustion is getting old. I have a 32 week checkup in a week, hopefully the doc can tell me what's up. I'm still trying to get my insurance taken care of and its annoying. I had my brother spend his Friday getting me a certified copy of my marriage license as required, and got it in the mail today only to be told they don't want a certified copy, they want the original. I can't find the original so what are you going to do? Deny a high risk preggo access to health care? Hopefully I'm worrying for nothing.

Nesting is sort of in full gear. We hired a guy to replace our popcorn ceilings with smooth and do some other needed work around the house. He's not a professional but he's affordable and when he worked for us in the past he did a good job, but this time its shoddy. He created such a mess in two rooms that I'm going to have to throw away some of the things and the ceilings are streaky. Tomorrow I have the joy of telling him to redo them. It sucks. I hate telling people what to do and I know he's working his butt off and that he's financially broke so it feels mean but I have to, I mean we're paying him to do a job. Right? Sigh.

And the Oscars, they underwhelmed.

Hmm- I am quite boring when dead tired. Ah well.

GD: A better day

Thank you so much for holding my hand during my mini-meltdown yesterday. I guess yesterday there was just one too many straws on this camel's back but I'm better now. I had my 30 week check up (Wow! 30 weeks!) and met with the final OB in the practice. He was super nice. I wish it was a given that doctors had good bedside manner and I didn't have to be this thrilled to get what should be the care I'm entitled to but it is what it is. He told me my one-hour was too high to warrant a re-test and he was worried I could pass the three-hour and be a false-negative. Because of my insulin-resistance issues I'm already at high risk and the one hour confirmed something is wonky. He said if my numbers continue to be this low then they'll reduce the times I prick myself and relax some of my eating restrictions.

Today was a much better day GD-wise. I reduced my portions considerably. I had a veggie sandwich for lunch but I ate half of it for lunch with vitamin water and then had the other half as my snack two hours later with a grapefruit. This made it much more manageable and I've made a promise to myself to trust my instincts. If I am too full I'm not going to push it. I've been trying to do research on the eating sugar issue but am turning up nothing, maybe somebody reading has an answer? The dietitian said I could absolutely not have sugar ever and to take Splenda instead. But- the GD booklet I have just lists one tablespoon of sugar as 1 carb and doesn't say don't touch sugar. I had 1/4 teaspoon of sugar in my tea with breakfast and my reading was 83. The vitamin water I drank had 2 servings of carbs which was sugar but my reading after lunch was 80. Sugar is not skyrocketing my numbers so why can't I just have it and incorporate it in my carb counting? Is there something I missed? I called the dietitian to ask but she never returned my calls.

Thank you for advice on pricking myself too. Today was much better. I made sure to wash my hands in warm water, I then massaged around the area I would prick to get blood circulating and after pricking I squeezed a little. This helped get enough blood out and I didn't have to spend twenty minutes stabbing all my fingers.

Jack and I were eating dinner and I told him- I can't believe it: We have nine more weekends without him at most! Then he will change our lives forever! But Jack pointed out, our lives have already changed. Our conversations revolve around him. Anytime he squirms or moves my hands move over my belly. I have the equivalent of a medical clinic's worth of medicine supplies for him. I have altered what I eat for him. I altered how I sleep for him. In some ways, in a real way, he's already here and my life has already changed because of him. Remembering who this is for helps make it all worthwhile. (Though- I still reserve the right for an occasional mini-meltdown!)

30 Weeks

Thirty weeks pregnant! Single digits a'comin. So thankful. So grateful. I simply cannot wait. And yet I'm sitting here trying not to bawl my eyes out. This is a frustrated woe is me post so please feel free to skip if you're not in the mood.

My doctor called and refused to give me a three-hour saying I definitely have GD. This frustrated me but I took a deep breath and told myself its okay. Ten more weeks. It's okay.

Then I sat down to dinner. Already full. There is too much damn food in this diet. Trust me, I love food but. . . this is ridiculous. I have to eat almost every two hours and not just a small bit. Here's what I ate today:

Breakfast: whole wheat toast, egg, tea, apple (2 carbs 1 protein)
Snack: one whole grapefruit plus nuts (2 carbs 1 protein)
Lunch: Tilapia Salad plus grapefruit (2 carbs 1 protein- I was supposed to eat three carbs but I was too damn full)
Snack: I was supposed to eat 2 carbs 1 protein but I was TOO FULL so I had some tea with a teaspoon of sugar (1 carb)
Dinner: Chicken salad plus random potatoes I included for carbs sake (3 carbs 1 protein)

I still have my night snack left and despite walking around I am so full I feel sick yet I've been told I must eat 2 carbs plus 1 protein before bed because I risk spiking my insulin overnight. This means an apple, milk, nuts. I'm FULL.

This just doesn't feel right. But still. I told myself to be grateful I'm not starving. It's okay. Sunflower is okay.

Then- it was time to check my after dinner levels- Twenty minutes go by. I pricked every single damn finger, I bled on every single damn finger- but not enough blood. Error says the meter each time. I'm down to two test strips now. Each finger is throbbing and the damn machine still tells me error.

Jack- trying to lighten the moment smiles and says aw honey its okay you'll get it, its no big deal, you can't let this upset you. Yeah that didn't work. I felt like John Locke on LOST who screams out all the time don't tell me what I can't do!! I just started crying my eyes out seriously contemplating a sewing needle or something to get me to f-ing bleed enough! I finally had to sit down and try composing myself- the dietician told me stress will spike my numbers but I was still shaky as I tried it on the highest needle setting and started bleeding profusely, finally it read my number: 80- well below danger zone- again.

I'm frustrated. I feel I'm being punished for wondering why people complain about this diet. Its not the deprivation of sweets, its eating like I'm on a Road Rules challenge on MTV. It's pricking myself until I gush to get a damn reading on that meter.

And then there's the other issue. I found out Jack has a required ten day trip to San Diego less than two weeks after the due date. I don't want to be home alone. My mom has to go back to work by then, my dad used up all his vacation for the year tending to his mother overseas, and he suggested I could ask my mom to come stay with you while I'm gone, once sunflower is here you guys might bond and it would be nice. What the fuck? I'm sorry- she stresses me out sans bebe and now you want me to be ALONE with her and my crazy FIL for ten days with a baby and my pregnancy hormones? Let me assure you that is not happening. I'd rather be alone or I can ask a cousin or my brother to sacrifice a week and spend it with me. Jack is not a jerk. He's really not. He's an awesome husband and has been great through all this- but I don't get it. He thinks that this me being a mother thing is going to automatically create a bond between MIL and me and that is just as unrealistic as puppies driving cars. Not. Going. To. Happen. AND even if it were to happen- I'm not going to test his hypothesis two weeks after giving birth living alone with them for ten days. Jack is going to try his best to get out of this trip but he's getting heavily pressured, hopefully this will be a moot point and his boss will understand- but right now its sitting like a boulder on my head.

So there you have it. I'm an emotional mess today. I want to be super-happy at reaching this wonderful milestone. And I am happy. I really am. I feel bad at this much frustration. Maybe its hormones. I'm not usually this easily unsettled to the point of tears. I guess I just feel frustrated.

In an attempt to be positive I'll end with three things good things at 30 weeks:

1. Parking in the expectant mama parking at stores gives me an inordinate sense of joy. For so long it hurt and now when I pull in and park my car there I feel like I have truly arrived.
2. Lately when Sunflower kicks he uses all his body parts. I love talking to him while he kicks. I like to imagine we're having a conversation and his little pokes are feedback on my thoughts.
3. The staff at my OB office are so happy for me and counting down with me. I love feeling like a person at my doctor's office, not just a billing code.

Phew. That made me feel better. So grateful to be here. Being in my 30's never felt so good. Here's to week 32, may it come sooner than I can ever imagine and may the thing that frustrate me now seem very silly then.

Gestational Diabetes- I'm getting doubtful

It might be too early for me to be this suspicious but I'm getting a weird feeling I might not have GD. I only got the one-hour test but failed it so bad (211, normal is below 130) that my OB told me I didn't need the three-hour to diagnose me. Many of you expressed doubt at this and urged me to ask for the three hour, but the insurance issues kept me from pushing the issue. I figured I likely had it given my PCOS history and the strong diabetes history in my extended family.

But since yesterday I've been checking my numbers- and they're not close to out of range. Yesterday before the class I had an egg, toast, half a glass of low-cal OJ, and a cup of tea with half a teaspoon of sugar. When they tested my levels I was at 69. The dietician gave me a cracker worried I was going close to getting low blood sugar.

I've been told not to even have a teaspoon of sugar in my tea or a splash of OJ in my water. This struck me as strange since 1 tsp of sugar exchanges to 1 serving of carb so what's the difference? Anyways- this morning I tested while fasting and my reading was 70 (should be below 95). My after breakfast reading (in which I ate toast, egg, water and tea with a teaspoon of sugar) resulted in a reading of 65 (should be below 120). 65 is borderline low sugar for which I'm supposed to drink a glass of OJ to treat myself.

Huh? I know its only three readings but I'm getting suspicious that I have GD at all. Sure I should probably not be eating a bucket of icecream anyways but I don't want to treat myself for something I don't have. I have a checkup tomorrow at the OB anyways so I called and asked if they could do the 3-hour test. It will be just in the nick of time for my old insurance to cover it. I don't know if this is wise but I'm just feeling weird that my levels are so low- so not even borderline despite even the no-no sugar in my tea?

Yes, GD not my fault!

I just got back from the nutrition class and you were right! GD isn't my fault! While I can eat well to manage it, when I took that sugary drink regardless of how well I was managing GD my numbers would've spiked. I also found out I was eating way less than I needed to and honestly, when I saw how much I can eat, its not much different from what I was eating before the diagnosis. The only difference between how I ate and how I will eat is making sure to have a protein with my carb snack and trying to eat at the same times each day.

The dietician asked me about my miscarriages wondering if they'd been found to be linked to PCOS and she told me she had one miscarriage. It was such a bad miscarriage it scarred her uterus permanently and she was never able to have children. We talked about infertility for a little bit and I felt amazed she chooses to work in this field. We got to the section of coping with giving up foods, and she looked at me and said I'm sure you're okay with that? I quickly nodded but I wondered how does she feel when women come in crying that they can't eat cake anymore and how horrible pregnancy is? Judging from my birthclub on Bab.yCent.er people take the not eating sweet things quite hard. Almost ludicrously so. Don't get me wrong- I stopped and stared at the icecream sandwiches at Krogers yesterday like a child staring longingly at the puppy he always wanted, but I'm not really feeling sad about it. I know I can have it in May. I guess its all perspective and how you feel about something is relative to what you've gone through. Still, kudos to her to surround herself with pregnant women crying about cookies.

Off topic for wordpress powered bloggers: Wordpress bloggers and wordpress-powered bloggers I am still reading your blogs and I'm still trying to leave comments but it seems that my comments are going straight to your spam box? I'm not sure why and not sure if its limited to only me. If you don't regularly check your spam comment box please check it regularly since it seems genuine comments can fall to the wayside in there. Very strange!

Anemia, Gestational Diabetes, and the blame game

I went to refill my prenatal prescription and found out my doctor called in an order of iron supplements for me. Huh? After a phone call to the OB I learned I'm also anemic. I guess with all the hooplah about having GD they forgot to tell me that minor detail. I've been told anemia makes you feel really tired and that makes me feel better because lately I feel like a three toed sloth forced to live like the humans. Still- I wish they had mentioned it. I just happened to have been a few days late filling my prenatal and the prescription was called in today. Had I not gone in, I'd not have known until perhaps much later.

Thank you SO much for your advice about GD and calling my doctor's office. Some people mentioned pushing for the three-hour. I would do that except that my insurance ends Friday and I'm afraid of going in for the test and getting positive results during my insurance lapse when I can't do anything about it. I'm signed up for a half day nutrition session tomorrow and hopefully the nurse can order my testing strips before the end of the week so insurance will pay for that too.

One positive of having been married almost 8 years before having a child is you have worked through a lot of your ish before the baby arrives. We used to argue and get dramatic quite frequently in the first few years of marriage but in the past two years I can count on one hand the number of serious arguments we've had. For this reason I was a bit dumbfounded by the argument we almost had last night. I was sitting in bed when I realized I had not eaten something before bedtime. I usually have a glass of milk with nuts per the GD diet. As I got up he said you're just so chill about this whole diagnosis. I looked at him confused. You knew you were going to have GD based on your history and you chose to eat pizza and other bad things for you. If you had been healthier you could have prevented this.

In the first year of marriage I would have started yelling at him but instead, I just took a deep breath and went downstairs to get my snack and cool down. I understand he's frustrated. He gets to be on the outside while I bake the baby and he's very health conscious and its true- I did eat more unhealthy than I ever had while pregnant. This isn't to say I was sitting there eating pints of ice cream but I was eating what I wanted when I wanted. I ate things that have been on my no-no list for years like Pizza Hut. Considering I have a history of diabetes and GD in my family and I had PCOS I should have been more vigilant. But at the same time I don't know if all the vigilance in the world would have prevented this. He was apologetic when I came back upstairs, but his apology feels hollow to me because I know he meant what he said.

Since getting pregnant I've been able to push aside all the emotions that come with having PCOS but now with the GD diagnosis its all coming back to me. My doctor told me I could cure PCOS by losing weight. I was ten pounds over my ideal BMI. Jack was at that appointment and he's reminded me ever since that I have PCOS because of my weight though research also shows you can have weight issues because of PCOS. I tried for years to lose those ten pounds, and let me tell you staying ten pounds overweight (and not more) was a struggle. Metformin helped a lot. I suddenly could see the results of my hard work and through diet and exercise my weight did start going down like normal people's do when they eat right and work out- ofcourse I got pregnant and lost pregnancies for the duration of that year so I never fully lost those ten pounds but with Metformin I saw it was possible to finally lose the weight.

This whole GD thing is taking me back there. To the place of guilt. To the place of: its my fault and I may have caused this to happen. I'm fighting the guilt because guilt does me no good but I'm tired of my family, my doctor, my husband pointing fingers at me. And- I'm also tired of me sometimes also, pointing fingers at me. I can only do what I can now that I know- blaming helps no one.

Gestational Diabetes- waiting waiting waiting

I'm frustrated. I was told to take the one-hour test at 28w3d into my pregnancy. Most people take it earlier than that from what I understand. I found out at 29weeks that I failed the one hour so spectacularly I don't need the three hour test to confirm my gestationally diabetic status. The nurse told me Friday that someone will call Monday or Tuesday to set me up for a class and get me the supplies I need to monitor myself. Okay, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? I am reading blogs, your comments, researching on different sites to figure out how to eat but I don't enjoy doing this "on my own". I want the class and the meter NOW so I can know what to do.

Since the diagnosis I've made changes. No more cereal with a glass of OJ for breakfast. Now I eat egg with whole grain toast. I got low calorie OJ and I dilute it by drinking 3/4 water 1/4 juice. I'm eating vegetable soups for lunch and salads with protein for dinner. For snacks I eat apples or grapefruit or a glass of milk and I always combine it with some sort of protein like cheese or nuts. I also am going to do light walking after dinner which I read can help. I'm also trying to eat a snack before bedtime.

But how do I know any of this is working? Thanks to PCOS I have Insulin Resistance and so I don't know if diet alone is going to do anything? I might need insulin shots as we speak and I don't know. I am scared that my baby is growing too big, that he might be in the NICU, that there may be complications I can't foresee.

The reason I'm stressing out more than usual is that my insurance is ending Friday. My new insurance is with Tri-care which is a little complicated. I have an appointment March 4 to get into the system and then I have another appointment March 8 with a primary care manager to refer me to see the doctors I'm already seeing. It's a weird system but its what I have to work with. Essentially if I don't get my class and meters this week I may not get them until mid-March around week 32.

I've explained this to my doctor's office and they say they get it and will make sure I get in this week. The nurse gave me the number of the coordinator who should be calling me and told me to ring her up if I don't hear from her by Wednsday. Wednesday? That seems so far away. I have no reason to disbelieve them when they say they'll get me in this week, they're always efficient, but the stress of feeling like its very late in the game to start addressing GD, and wondering if the diet I'm doing is right, and worrying about my upcoming insurance gap is all giving me a major headache.

If you made it this far into the vent, thanks for listening. Just feeling a bit like my hands are tied behind my back. Am I making too much of the GD diagnosis? If I am, please tell me. I really am okay with watching what I eat- I've done South Beach in the past and I'm used to it. I'm just scared of what can happen if my best efforts aren't working as time continues to tick.

Returning the Doppler....?

When I first rented my doppler at 9 weeks I bought a one month package and planned to keep it until the end of the first trimester thinking I'd stop being so scared once I passed week 12.

Right.

From weeks 9-19 it was my life preserver and quite frankly, I don't know know how I would have lived without it. Week 20-28 while I could feel definite movement, there were days I didn't and on those days that doppler kept me from waddling as fast as I could to the ER. [and as an aside, insurance companies should consider giving dopplers to recurrent miscarriers because they would save a pretty penny from frantic doctor and ER visits from such persons!] Now, thankfully, he moves pretty regularly inside me and when he's quiet I can often nudge him gently and he'll poke back and let me know he's there. We still listen to him almost nightly, but more so because its our security blanket, and less so because we're terrified out of our minds.

I recently learned that my maternal grandmother lost four children. One stillborn, two within the first two weeks of life and one who was two years old. She also suffered at least three miscarriages that my mom is aware of. Back in the day it was hard to know if it was a truly a miscarriage unless you were quite far along. She still managed to have five daughters, but I wonder sometimes how scared she must have been each time she got pregnant. No ultrasounds, no dopplers, nothing to reassure you. I think my months of waiting are bad, I cannot imagine how she must have felt. I shudder to think about not having had my doppler as a source of comfort during my darkest days of doubt.

The monthly rental ends at the end of the week. Jack thinks its time to return it. Part of me agrees but the other part is scared because its my blankie and if I give it away what will happen? Will I jinx myself somehow? I do have gestational diabetes now, so does that up my risk of losing him in any way? I'm reassuring myself that if he goes silent again I can always go to babysrus and buy the $25 dopplers that you can definitely use at this stage.

Incase you are in the market for a doppler, I was very pleased with www.babybeat.com. I bought the cheapest model and it worked fantastic. The customer service was also marvelous and the package arrived right on time. I'm not getting paid to say any of this but wanted to share my good experience for anyone else in the market and to let you know that at least for me, it was incredibly reassuring to know I had it handy if I felt afraid.

Gestational Diabetes- results ***Updated

Well as expected, I flunked.

Normal levels: 130 or below.
Me: 211

The nurse didn't seem overly concerned and I'm scheduled for a three hour on Monday. She said despite this high result I could still pass the three hour. I had the blood draw Tuesday and I got results Friday which is a long time so I'm wondering when I'll get results from Monday's test and I'm wondering if I should go ahead and start a South Beach type diet just incase. The nurse said I didnt need to, but I'm wondering if I should.

I expected it but my old friend fear is starting to whisper again since GD does put you at elevated risk of stillbirth according to some websites I've read. Luckily that fear is kind of being stuffed under a mattress at the moment because I cannot handle even considering that.

I will go ahead and hope I pass the three hour, but given my history I also accept the reality that I will fail. I just hope that regardless, Sunflower will be okay. I can live without eating cakes or white rice, but I don't want to live without him.

**Updated**: The nurse called back to say that she misspoke and because my levels are above 200 I actually do have Gestational Diabetes so there's no need for a three hour test. I go for nutrition classes and will be more closely monitored by MFM.

I'm disappointed because I'm scared of the risks associated with it (jaundice, difficulty breathing, increased risk (50/50 chance) of type II diabetes later in life, birth defects. . .) but I'm trying to be positive about it. It is a common diagnosis and doctors have made great advances on how to manage it. Plus, I started off my pregnancy ten pounds overweight and I gained about 30 pounds since. Eating a controlled diet will ensure I'm not letting myself go more and will teach me healthier eating habits. Often my biggest challenge with losing weight or eating strict is will power but I have one helluva reason to stick to my diet. If I said in the past I'd hang upside down naked from a tree to keep my pregnancy, I can certainly pass on rice and sugar.

Have any of you gotten the GD? I heard that it means they will induce you the week before or the week of your due date and won't let you go past the date. I'm scared of C-Sections, and Pitocin, and all things associated with labor that is not natural, but at the same time if the end result is a healthy baby in my arms, that's what matters, truly, that is it.

Happy 29 weeks to me!