2 more days

My OB stripped my membranes today in an effort to spark labor. I'm sorry in advance, she said. I shrugged, lay down, and then [&!#$$$]<-- insert every foul word ever invented. It hurt so much I saw black dots. OB said the contraction that I had is the type to call in to them about as a sign that labor begun. OH.MY.GOD. I'm still 1cm dilated but she said my cervix is softer and lower. Since then I'm losing my mucus plug which is a sign of labor, oooor maybe not! And I'm having a lot of contractions and feel kind of dazed and confused. If I don't go into labor before my induction these are all still good signs that my body is getting more ready.

I've known my OB for over two years now and today she had some time to talk to me and Jack and it was funny how she's got me figured out. I know its scary but you can't control the labor process, she said. You've researched, you're informed, but ultimately this baby will decide when he comes and how he comes. Maybe its being the eldest who was responsible for resolving my parents arguments, and watching my brothers, and being a teacher- but I do feel like I need to hold on, I need to carry it even if it is something I can't control.

But I can't control labor. And today when she swept my membranes and I felt the strongest most painful contraction of my life I had no thoughts but the pain. In that moment there was no ability nor desire to control just a desire to simply to get through the moment. And that's when the obvious concept hit me again, this is what its all about, its a series of moments that make up a life.

I've allowed my mind free reign to roam with worry and fear because I thought I'll stop worrying once Sunflower arrives. But I'm beginning to think that the worries will not go away, they will simply morph and take new shape. I will make mistakes but it does no good to anticipate what they will be. I will feel confused and frustrated at times but those moments are not today. I need to stop looking so far ahead because I will lose sight of the now.

If you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll recognize these thoughts since I'm constantly reigning myself in from letting fear fill my house with helium balloons and float me away. I guess I'm just a work in progress but I know what I need to work on. Slowly I think I'll get there.

I may have shared this poem before. I'm going to take it with me when I go into labor:

Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.
Don’t try to see through the distances.
That’s not for human beings.
Move within, but don’t move the way fear makes you move.

-- Rumi

Thoughts on unconditional love

I woke this morning to a wiggle

Against my womb
I gently pressed down
He poked a foot up in greeting
And that’s all it took
To make my heart swell with love
This love is unlike any love
I’ve ever experienced
His toes make me giddy
When he hiccups
I sit still in awe
Just his presence is the blessing
The love he receives from me
Is completely unearned
But more powerful than any I’ve known
My father once said
No one will love you like your parents
I bristled at this
But now I’m slowly understanding
I love Jack more than my heart can count
But he started off a stranger,
someone my heart
like a puppy had to sniff out before letting in
But my son
The gates part immediately
He need not show ID
To get inside
He is
And because he exists
I’d lay my life down for him a thousand times over.

Remembering Today

As fear recedes
and hope steps forward
I begin to enjoy this moment
of holding him within me.
Instead of looking at the calender
wishing the time away,
I realize-
he's already my child,
alive and vibrant inside me.
I am seeking the end of my journey
but-
conceiving, gestating, birthing, and raising
are all part of the same journey.
And this stage is special
because its the stage only we alone share.
I am the only one in the world who can say
I knew him first.
I knew him when.
When he swam like a fish in my womb
When he kicked, squirmed and prodded my insides
When he bounced on my bladder and poked my cervix.
May will come
and we will meet for the first time,
though he is a part of me,
so in truth I've known him
all my life.
Each day he will grow stronger and smarter
and one day he will be fully grown and
Independent.
And that day I will remember this moment
that he lived inside me
and swam like trout
and I rubbed my belly
and sang to him.
And that day
all this time
that I wish away right now will seem
irretrievably precious.
I will want to remember
the togetherness
we share now
these moments
of just he and I
that will never come back again.