27 weeks and going inactive

27 weeks. According to baby-gaga at this point in a healthy pregnancy a premature child (with intensive care) could easily win on the show: “Survivor: The Early Years.” Last night I had a nightmare that I had my baby and kept forgetting to feed him. He also never pooped and I only noticed a week into his birth! I woke up so happy because I was having a fear about being a mom dream! That means my subconscious is starting to believe this is going to happen [albiet being a bit of a spazz] and that makes me happy to no end.

I'm finally hitting my stride. Finally feeling peace settle over me. Despite the gloomy weather I've managed to be depression-free for a while. A friend recommended a daily dose of Cod Liver oil as both a good source of Omega 3 but also to alleviate depression. I'm not sure if that's the reason I feel better lately but I'm grateful for my emotional betterment since as I said in the last post, the physical discomfort is coming at me full steam.

I'm calling the State Bar today to go inactive. I doubt I'll be practicing law this year and its cheaper to be inactive. I find it fitting to go inactive since I really am inactive in the truest sense of the word. Lately with physical discomfort ramping up I find myself doing a lot of reading, writing and television viewing. I envisioned my time off work and pre-baby to be filled with organizing, packing and stacking and while I have done some of that, I mostly find myself inactive. After having spent the majority of my life go-go-go, it feels weird to be so out of commission. I like to tell myself that despite this seeming inactivity, I am baking a child so at all times I am engaged in some sort of activity.

After sunflower gets here, I plan to be a stay at home mom (SAHM) for at least the first few years of Sunflower's life. Jack is fine with this though he worries I'll get bored. My family is disappointed I'm giving up on my legal career after all the investment. As you know I have a book that's currently being shopped but even if it sells, debut authors shouldn't quit their day jobs as book advances are down lately. These things make me feel guilty and there are days I miss earning my own paycheck and wearing dress up clothes but I feel I'm making the best choice for me. I'm considering Sunny my SAHM role model: If its what you want to do and it makes you happy, then don't let comparing yourself to others get you down.

Fighting Depression

Sometimes I wonder, when depression clings to me like slick oil is it me at my essence feeling this way or is it my body controlling the reigns? Depression is like a noose made of rope gently placed over my head, pulling me towards it with a tangible tug. I can feel it coming and I know I have two options. I can sink into it. I can hang my hands limply to my sides and follow him down into the dark dank place. I used to take this option. I believed it was things in my life causing this depression and so when it came to lead me with it I walked for where else would I go when X, Y, and Z were missing from my life? Now, I’m beginning to think its not things in my life. I am writing full-time, a lifelong dream, I am pregnant, I am married to someone I love, and now when I feel this melancholy start pulling me into its murky depths I have nothing to hold onto and say say, yes I should follow you depression. Look at the holes in my life, what else can I do but sink?

Now when I search for the cause of the depression, there is nothing to cite to, and I'm a lawyer, you must cite to something concrete to back up this feeling. But there’s nothing. It’s winter and the days are short and the nights are cold. I’m home a lot more than I’m used to, and I may not know as many people as I once did, but I cannot wrap my mind around any of these as the culprit. Particularly when I can sense the depression like a tide, like a wave trying to physically pull me under.

I'm watching this depression in an almost clinical fashion because I can see it and I can see how hard it is coming for me. I am not depressed but I'm in quite the fight to avoid it. I’m holding onto the jagged shore and trying my best to keep its tentacles at bay. I am reading good books, I went out to lunch with a friend today, I cooked some fun mac and cheese for dinner. I am doing what I can to fight this senseless, ridiculous sensation that is standing over my shoulder watching me like the Grim Reaper on silly cartoons, waiting for me to break.

I am sure this is a combination of hormones and the weather which has been overall dismal with chilly rain day in and day out and I know it will pass, but while depression stands waiting for me to follow him I will do what I can until he gives up and leaves me be. It amazes me though how little this emotion has to do with logic. Its much like being caught in a meadow when it begins to rain violently, thunder and lightening crashing around you. And then- after a while it passes and the sun comes out and the birds chirp again. You shake your soaking hair and wonder what the hell happened but you are grateful you made it through.

Random thoughts

1. The spotting is gone. My OB thinks it might be because of a very mildly uphill walk we did the day before in a park. Yes, it was a teeny bit hilly, but we weren't climbing a mountain. She said the lovenox makes all areas around there sensitive so it can cause light bleeding. She told me I could continue to do these things but not to freak out if a few days later I see some spotting- Um no thanks!

2. I feel a lot better now. Thank you to you guys for your advice and support. I am happy that it appears I avoided anything like clinical depression because the feeling lasted for only 5 days. Things that are helping are, I plan to join a local writing group and meet some people, I am getting out of the house today to get some sunshine by sitting by the lake and reading a book, and if I feel that low again I'm going to write about it again because letting it out felt great.

3. Despite feeling better I sense I am more anxious than I should be. This is multifaceted and usually a quick run on the treadmill calms me down, but now I can't do that. This anxiety is robbing me of my sleep, so I think I'm going to start doing yoga. Anyone have any good DVDs you can recommend?

4. A few people mentioned on my depression post that perhaps these feelings have something to do with the year catching up to me. Just because I'm in a "safe place" in my pregnancy doesn't mean I'm safe as yesterday's spotting incident revealed. I think I need to find a quiet peaceful spot to think about this year, reflect on it and find some sort of closure or resolution on it because right now the things that happened are a raw gaping wound. I want to start stitching it closed. I know the scars will never fade but at least the wound will close.

Depression, the prickly bitch

First, I just want to make sure its clear that I think me being depressed is absolutely silly. I have a solid relationship with my husband, I love my family, and I'm pregnant. I know that when it comes to solid reasons to feel this way, its ludicrous.

Walking in a park today with Jack as the fall leaves fell gold and yellow before our path crunching under our feet, we talked about the future. If my book thing doesn't work, he thought it would be good for me to go back to work. Give it a year or so and then let's think about it, he said, pointing out that lately I just seem down and he's wondering if it has something to do with being home. We talked about the lack of friends lately. Most of our close friends moved in the past few years and now I can count my local friendships on one hand. For people who are pretty social, this is not fun. I suggested I could reactivate facebook and reconnect with the community but we both remembered we didn't particularly enjoy those hangouts where the men discussed stock portfolios and the girls talked about the lipstick of the season. Should we make friendships for the sake of saying we have friends? I can't bring myself to make that compromise yet. After that conversation, I asked Jack if he felt deppressed by this. He looked at me like I was crazy. We have each other, and we have sunflower who cares about anything else?

He's right and yet why am I sitting here feeling depressed? Yes its hard not to have the social network I once had, yes its frustrating to get rejections piled at your door as you pursue your dream, and yes not getting a paycheck is doing a number on my sense of self worth, but I don't know if the way I feel is really about any of this. My father's side of the family suffers depression. I never knew a name for it as a child but it hurt me when I would see my father from time to time sit outside on the patio, alone, staring off with a vacant expression. I'm sure my reasons are triggers but I'm pregnant and in any normal reasonable universe I should be walking around with a permanent dumb grin on my face. As much as depression may be triggered by reasons, I think it may also be a chemical thing.

I'm not prone to depression. I get stressed and anxious and sad sometimes but depression has left me alone for the most part save during PMS. Lately, for at least four days now, its gotten me by the proverbial balls and it's not letting go.

I don't know if its circumstance. There are famous authors in the shoes I want to be in who commit suicide or turn to drugs for reassurance. There are rich people making the money I am not who rack up thousands with shrinks and anti-depressants. I don't think its the things in my life, its a state of mind.

I want to just snap out of it. But I can't figure out how to do it.

Depression is a smoky haze that filters over your entire world view. It makes you feel hopeless even as you remind yourself of the beauty and grace that exists in every breath you take. It's dark oozing black ink leaking onto a crisp white page. It coils around your heart like a snake. I want to shake it but at the moment, I'm just not sure how.