Returning the Doppler....?

When I first rented my doppler at 9 weeks I bought a one month package and planned to keep it until the end of the first trimester thinking I'd stop being so scared once I passed week 12.

Right.

From weeks 9-19 it was my life preserver and quite frankly, I don't know know how I would have lived without it. Week 20-28 while I could feel definite movement, there were days I didn't and on those days that doppler kept me from waddling as fast as I could to the ER. [and as an aside, insurance companies should consider giving dopplers to recurrent miscarriers because they would save a pretty penny from frantic doctor and ER visits from such persons!] Now, thankfully, he moves pretty regularly inside me and when he's quiet I can often nudge him gently and he'll poke back and let me know he's there. We still listen to him almost nightly, but more so because its our security blanket, and less so because we're terrified out of our minds.

I recently learned that my maternal grandmother lost four children. One stillborn, two within the first two weeks of life and one who was two years old. She also suffered at least three miscarriages that my mom is aware of. Back in the day it was hard to know if it was a truly a miscarriage unless you were quite far along. She still managed to have five daughters, but I wonder sometimes how scared she must have been each time she got pregnant. No ultrasounds, no dopplers, nothing to reassure you. I think my months of waiting are bad, I cannot imagine how she must have felt. I shudder to think about not having had my doppler as a source of comfort during my darkest days of doubt.

The monthly rental ends at the end of the week. Jack thinks its time to return it. Part of me agrees but the other part is scared because its my blankie and if I give it away what will happen? Will I jinx myself somehow? I do have gestational diabetes now, so does that up my risk of losing him in any way? I'm reassuring myself that if he goes silent again I can always go to babysrus and buy the $25 dopplers that you can definitely use at this stage.

Incase you are in the market for a doppler, I was very pleased with www.babybeat.com. I bought the cheapest model and it worked fantastic. The customer service was also marvelous and the package arrived right on time. I'm not getting paid to say any of this but wanted to share my good experience for anyone else in the market and to let you know that at least for me, it was incredibly reassuring to know I had it handy if I felt afraid.