The OB appointment

Jeez has it been that long since my last post? Me of the two posts a day? Each night as I try to drift off to sleep I compose long eloquent posts in my head but somehow these thoughts haven't been making it to an actual post.

The OB post-partum appointment went OK. They didn't check my blood sugars because I wasn't fasting and it had to be a two hour test. No one had told me this and no one seemed particularly in a hurry to get me checked for this. The OB told me just to do that on my next annual check up. I was terrified of the pelvic exam. T.e.r.r.i.f.i.e.d. I heart my OB but that woman checks me out down there like she's working on a car and I'm usually biting my lip to fight back tears. So naturally I was scared of the pain when she did it, but what actually happened was much worse: it didn't hurt at all. Like, I could hardly tell she did anything. Why aren't you doing cartwheels about this? You might ask. Well, um, (TMI. . . BUT-) how big am I now down there? She said see? It didn't hurt that's because a baby went through you. Yikes. We haven't done the deed since the baby has arrived and our eight year anniversary is Sunday- and um, I'm scared now.

She said that because I have a third degree tear that they would offer me the option of having a C-section next time because the nature of the tear meant I could have a risk of destroying my rectum area (or something like that). She said the risk was low but there. Great. Anyone with a 3+ degree tear have any insight on this by any chance?

I asked for Metformin and she said that since I'm nursing she didn't recommend it. It wasn't bad for nursing she said, but since the reason I'd be on it is to ovulate regularly and I'm not TTC right now, why not wait? I told her my weight is easier to lose when I'm on Met because it regulates my hormones but she said that wasn't a good enough reason to take Met and that nursing should help me get the weight losing boost I need. Sigh.

I asked her if I'd have to have Lovenox the next time (its cracking me up that I'm all assuming a next time but you gotta hope) and she said yes, we can't be sure it was the lovenox that saved this pregnancy but you had two miscarriages without it and one successful pregnancy with it so why rock the boat? She's right, but I guess it means I'll never have an option to have a natural birthing experience.

Our conversation left me wondering for days now, rolling her words over and over my mind, I had a successful pregnancy with it, without it, I miscarried. I have my baby now and I thought once he was here the pain of what I lost would vanish but the holes remain. What if I had lovenox then? What would Speck or Bug have been like? Out of all the combination of us that existed, which one would they have been? Seeing Sunflower, holding him, I'm so grateful and there are moments I'm wistful because he makes their possibilities more real. It's strange to feel that way because if I had them, I would not have him. In fact, because of losing Bug, I have Sunflower. This time last year I was pregnant with Bug though I did not know it at the time. That loss gave me my first normal ovulation ever and it was that cycle that my son was conceived. I shudder to think if I had listened to my OB who told me to wait a cycle before trying again. I shudder to think if I couldn't convince Jack to ignore that recommendation. I still remember that night, pleading. And now he's here. One day I will tell him what we went through to bring him into this world but I'll never guilt him with the shots I took for him or the labor I went through for him because as much as it was for him it was for me. because it was all selfish, so I could melt a million times over holding him in my arms. And he is worth everything.

Bye Bye Lovenox and. . . aspirin?

In about a week I say goodbye to Lovenox. The drug that despite taking daily for months on end still hurts like I'm injecting fire through my bloodstream. I'm glad I'm so far along its almost time to stop but I'm not looking forward to switching to heparin which I will take twice daily and must measure myself. In addition to lovenox I take a daily dose of baby aspirin. I've asked each doctor I see when to stop and each doctor defers to the other. When I finally realized the circle of "ask your mom" "ask your dad" they each gave me different end dates (1) stop now and (2) stop at 36 weeks (3) Feel free to take until delivery. I thought I'd ask y'all if you have taken baby aspirin at what point did you stop taking it? And, is Heparin. . . not so bad? Does taking it mean I'll have extra wires when I go into labor, or is it really not that big of a deal?

MFM Update

Thank you for thinking of me and praying for me. It means the world. As we went to the MFM I had more uterus irritation, not full out contractions but you could tell it was acting funny. I went to give a urine sample and there was more pronounced pinkish spotting. Naturally I freaked out but everyone said this is normal. They did a cervix check and I'm at almost 5 inches! So they said the cervix is doing just fine and the amniotic fluid levels are also just fine. They saw some darkness by the uterus that they think might be the source of the spotting but said it was likely as a result of the uterus expanding and nothing they were concerned about. They told me based on the scan, the contraction was likely braxton hicks and I should expect to see brown discharge with Braxton hicks simply because the lovenox and baby aspirin is going to trigger it more than if I were not on those medications.

Phew. <-- [My understatement of 2009]

Sunflower was chilling out, he's head down on my cervix and his hands covered his face for most of the ultrasound. She had to nudge my belly to get him to move his hands but then he quickly covered his face again. Shy guy. The doctor said all looks well. I'm a little disappointed that the u/s machine the MFM uses isn't very high quality so the images are super blurry but that's besides the point since they saw him and measured my 14 oz bundle of joy, and he's doing fine.

I was dismayed to see I've gained about 17 pounds. Most of it is due to care to the wind eating. I can't even blame sunflower since I haven't had unhealthy cravings. It's just me letting myself eat what I want when I want. Yikes, if I've gained 17 pounds by now I could double this weight by the time I deliver. I'd like to say I'll start watching what I eat now but we're heading to Florida to spend the week with my family and we live to eat, not the other way around. So I guess I'll start hunkering down and doing more portion control in 2010.

But that's all beside the point. All is well. I am so grateful they checked the cervix and the amniotic fluid levels and discovered a probable source of my spotting. The doctor told me to expect spotting on and off here on out, so that is reassuring if I see more spotting while out of town to know its normal.

I hope you are all doing well too. Every night you're in my prayers, most of you by name. I'm not sure what good prayers do sometimes but I believe good vibes go a long way. Here's to good vibes for all of you this holiday season and beyond!

Bellies, Goldfish, and Michele

The morning I turned 19 weeks, my belly changed seemingly overnight. Whereas for the past few weeks its looked like I swallowed two trays of cheesecakes, it is now small, rounded and firm. I am humbled by this outside reminder of what is changing within me. There are days I wake up and it hits me as though I just learned, I am pregnant. Just today I was sitting reading a book on the couch while Jack watched football and I realized, its not just the two of us. There are three separate entities in this room. I might not be holding him, but my son is here.

***

Last night I dreamt of a goldfish that needed water. It was flopping on a wet table and trying to bury its head in the corners where the water pooled. I kept flinging more water on the table but the goldfish stopped moving and then though it moved it was limp. I woke up terrified. The watery discharge has stopped but the dream left me frightened. I'm trying to remind myself the discharge is what brought on the dream into my subconscious. It was a reflection of my fear. I've heard baby animals in distress dreams are normal in all pregnant women.

***

Michele brought my attention to the fact that PCOSers can have challenges producing milk for their babies. After breastfeeding her babies for some time she had to make the difficult decision to stop. She generously offered to the blogworld her supplements. I took her up on the offer. I got a package from her in the mail with the supplies, and some wonderful books on pregnancy and breastfeeding, nursing pads, etc. Then I saw two stuffed animal rattles in the package. My heart skipped a beat at sunflower's first gifts. I had given myself permission to buy sunflower a small outfit or toy in the second trimester but I still hesitate. Seeing these baby toys brought me so much joy because it wasn't lovenox, or baby aspirin, or extra folate. It was something fun and light for my child. They gave me a wonderful feeling of optimism. Just maybe, one of these days, I'll buy him a little something too.

I am moved by Michele's generosity and grateful for all the people I know through the IF community. A tangible package in the mail reminds me we are all real people behind the screens. I don't know if I could have made it this far with my sanity intact (such as it is) without the support I've gotten. Thank you!

Induction

I went to the doctor for one of my regular ho-hum, yep you're pregnant, big deal appointments. I enjoy those so much because its only now that the panic level has lowered and I can simply be weighed, measured, and sent on my merry way. Still, I am a little disappointed by my last appointment. The doctor said because I'm on lovenox they don't want me going past my due date and will likely induce me on week 39 or 40.

I don't want to be induced. Induction means meds and I wanted to go as natural as I could without an epidural or pitocin or anything else. Induction means they're forcing my body to go into labor which means they'll likely have to force contractions which means that the pain of forced contractions (which is stronger than natural contractions) will require me to take an epidural.

I need to talk to my MFM doctor to get his take on this but I don't understand why I need to be induced just because I'm on blood thinners. She said by week 39 I will be on heparin which is easily reversible at the hospital but because they would need time to get the heparin out of my system they don't want me rushing in 5 cm dilated, they want time to get that out before I begin labor. I guess this makes sense but I'm still disappointed.

Have any of you had experience with inductions? Any advice?

Seriously, WTF!?!

I just found out if I mail-order my lovenox, instead of $250 a month it will be $20 a month. I feel like an idiot that I did not inquire sooner because this isn't a piddling few dollars difference here, but better sooner rather than later. I called MedCo and ordered and paid.

Thirty minutes later our phone rings. It's my FIL. Did you order some medication via mail order? He asks. Jack is speechless. Well, MedCo called saying they had some questions about your medication.

I am absolutely dumbfounded. I called MedCo in a state of fury. They don't even know I'm pregnant and you're calling them? How the hell did you get their number? They have no idea. Are they listed as your alternate contact. Um. Yeah, that happened. (NOT!)

I went up the insurance bureaucratic chain but no one can explain to me why associated with my claim number is my FIL's name, social security number and address. All I can imagine is that since we share the same last name they called him by accident.

They didn't ask Jack why we needed the medication but I'm assuming they'll ask when they arrive Thursday (gulp). Jack will likely tell them at some point we're pregnant but really didn't want to have to explain why I require buckets of meds to boot. Insurance is infuriating.

Lovey-Dovey-Love-no-ox

It's my fault. I pulled the equivalent of wearing white undies and wishing AF wouldn't come. I said, lovenox is not bruising me at all! In fact, I was so unbruised, I began worrying if the injections were even working. I take my shots in the kitchen so I can toss the needle in the trash right away and I generally don't examine my stomach in any major detail. Sure, when I glanced down, I saw some black bruising, but it didn't look that bad. Just now I pressed a hand to my lower belly and felt like instead of the usual pudge that sunflower has managed to lift up, that there was actually a bit of pregnant belly showing! Eager to observe I lifted my shirt and examined my stomach in the mirror and felt promptly horrified. I look like an abuse victim. I'm told to alternate my shots so it looks like two large bruised circles on either side of my stomach.

It's no big deal, I'll do what it takes to bake my baby, and I'll take what comes with it bruises and all, but two thoughts come to mind (1) No bare belly bump pics for me [though perhaps belly pics are smart for moments 13 years from now when I try to guilt trip sunflower with look at my belly! Look at what I do for you! (2) I really wish I could inject below the belly button because these two bruised looking eyes to either side of my stomach seem to merit an expression of sorts.

Lovenox ladies, what do you do when the belly gets too big to stab yourself easily on the right and left?