This weekend last year was spent in bed praying that the red spotting would not lead to more. This Sunday last year we went to the ER. As I stepped into the dressing gown I lost my pregnancy on the cold tiled floor. This time last year I passed out from the pain medications. My husband thought I died since it took some time to revive me. This time last year my parents drove up to comfort me as I endured my second miscarriage in nearly as many months.
If I had not had that second pregnancy I would not have had this third. The second miscarriage gave me my first normal ovulation. Two weeks from today, one year ago, I ovulated the egg that became the child sleeping in the Moses basket next to my bed.
I ponder the what ifs on days like today: What if I had listened to my OB and waited a few cycles before trying again. What if I couldn't convince Jack to try that night when ovulation was certain. What if I didn't have lovoenox. Or extra folic acid. Or baby aspirin. What if. What if. What if. The what if's take my breath away. The idea that he could so easily, just by Jack saying no, just by one small twist of fate, this baby would not be here. This living breathing reality that I feel I've known all my life. That I feel was meant to be here from the beginning with such certainty I can't fully comprehend how it almost could possibly not have been. But these are the good kind of what ifs. Not the kind of what ifs that haunted my life this time last year.
I look at my life just one year ago. I read my old blogs at what was and how I felt. I can't believe how much life can change in the course of one year. One year ago I was leaving an ER empty, and now life is more beautiful than words can give justice to.
Thank you to all the powers that be. I hope I will always remember how fortunate I am.
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Off to Induction
I came home and managed to sleep a little and feel like a new person. A lot more optimistic, a lot more hopeful. Thank you for your e-mails and your comments, they gave me comfort and reminded me its normal to feel this way and that I will get through this. I feel incredibly blessed to be here. There was a time I could not watch a TV scene showing a L&D room without bursting into tears. There was time a hospital was not a place of hope. No matter how nervous I may feel, no matter how many things don't go according to plan- if Sunflower is okay- there is truly nothing else that holds a candle to that ultimate goal. I'm going to do the best I can, that's all I can do.
I'm going in tonight at 7pm and will be induced Friday morning. Please keep me and Sunflower in your prayers. Many of you held my hand as I recovered from my first miscarriage, and celebrated then cried with me when I lost my second. You've never laughed at my fears with this pregnancy and your support has kept me buoyed. Thank you.
See you on the other side!
I'm going in tonight at 7pm and will be induced Friday morning. Please keep me and Sunflower in your prayers. Many of you held my hand as I recovered from my first miscarriage, and celebrated then cried with me when I lost my second. You've never laughed at my fears with this pregnancy and your support has kept me buoyed. Thank you.
See you on the other side!
L&D Conflicted
Contractions picked up their pace. 11 from 1:00-2:00am. 12 from 2:00-3:00. In the 3:00am hour and they've slowed down again. The on-call doctor said I could go to L&D to be evaluated but. . . I don't know what to do. They're not evenly spaced contractions. Yes they hurt like hell, but for example, the last contraction was at 3:11 and its 3:21 now and no contraction yet. I wish my water would break so I just knew but as it stands I can't figure out if this is just prodromal or not.
1 more day, I guess?
The promising contractions are irregular again averaging 8-9 minutes mostly but but with breaks that last up to 15 minutes though when the contraction comes its more painful than the last. I'm wondering how high the pain will ultimately ratchet up to.
In the morning L&D will call to schedule us. 6pm they plan to insert the Cervadil. 6am Friday morning the induction begins. I wonder what happens if I'm already dilated enough? Will they begin the induction tomorrow evening? That seems logical? Ofcourse, hope springs eternal and I hope we won't have to induce but I accept either option.
This is my last night without him on the outside. This might be the last night I feel his little butt wiggle against my womb, his fingers poking me, his feet stretching my stomach outwards. I'm trying to memorize this moment. Etch it forever in my mind. It blows my mind. Can't wait to meet him.
In the morning L&D will call to schedule us. 6pm they plan to insert the Cervadil. 6am Friday morning the induction begins. I wonder what happens if I'm already dilated enough? Will they begin the induction tomorrow evening? That seems logical? Ofcourse, hope springs eternal and I hope we won't have to induce but I accept either option.
This is my last night without him on the outside. This might be the last night I feel his little butt wiggle against my womb, his fingers poking me, his feet stretching my stomach outwards. I'm trying to memorize this moment. Etch it forever in my mind. It blows my mind. Can't wait to meet him.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
More on Contractions
The last five contractions are now 8-9 minutes apart. And they hurt. But. How much are they supposed to hurt? They hurt enough to make me want to moan. They make me want to stop walking. They make me not want to talk. However. The standard provided to me was: you are unable to walk and unable to talk. I am able to do these things the pain is just so intense I don't want to. Also- my standard of pain might be different from your standard of pain. My 8 on the Richter scale might be a 2 for you, or a 10. I wonder what's going to happen. . .
AND- might I add everyone is pissing me off? Jack sitting on the couch is so annoying. My mom asking me how I'm feeling is maddening. Yes- that is irrational. My, am I cranky.
[Sorry for incessant updates- just need a place to write, a place to make sense of it, to record to remember later. Thanks for reading and for your support]
AND- might I add everyone is pissing me off? Jack sitting on the couch is so annoying. My mom asking me how I'm feeling is maddening. Yes- that is irrational. My, am I cranky.
[Sorry for incessant updates- just need a place to write, a place to make sense of it, to record to remember later. Thanks for reading and for your support]
Waiting and Wondering
The contractions remain irregular but each one is more painful than the last. Whereas before it was possible to just do something else and take my mind off the pain, now its stopping me in my tracks and honestly, sort of scares me. They average every 18 minutes, sometimes closer. My hope is even if I don't go into full blown labor before its time to go to the hospital tomorrow evening I'll have dilated enough not to need 12 hours of cervadil to ripen my cervix and we can just start the induction. (and this word ripen- its just so weird in the context of my body- I feel like we're trying to turn some avocado into guacamole)
I feel like there's a timer ticking in me- any minute it will beep. Any minute I'll be done baking. Any minute. . . I'm trying to take my mind off it as much as I can. The house is now spotless. I made some food to freeze for later. There is no use being scared because when it comes to labor, there is no way out but through, and Sunflower and I will, God Willing, get through this.
I feel like there's a timer ticking in me- any minute it will beep. Any minute I'll be done baking. Any minute. . . I'm trying to take my mind off it as much as I can. The house is now spotless. I made some food to freeze for later. There is no use being scared because when it comes to labor, there is no way out but through, and Sunflower and I will, God Willing, get through this.
The Boy Who Cried Wolf
My mom read me a story as a child where a boy shephard would prank villagers that a wolf was trying to eat his sheep. People would come, he'd laugh, they'd leave. One day a real wolf came, he cried wolf, no one came, all his sheep got eaten. Moral of story: It sucks to be a sheep.
I feel like this boy saying this but I'm starting to wonder if I'm in early labor. 8 contractions in the 6am hour, I slept from 7-8 and then was woken up around 8am and had 8 contractions. 9am so far I've had 5 and its only 9:30. They hurt. They wrapped around my stomach like a rubber band. When they are here I think they'll never go away. Once it leaves I feel relief. I'm also getting pink mucus discharge. I'm rating each contraction. Half are of medium-strong strength, 1/4 are medium strength and 1/4 are weak. I'm not counting the weak ones. It's not full on labor but I think I might be in the early stages. I am going to consult Dr. Google.
Most tellingly I wonder: Why exactly do I hate C-sections? What is my issue with epidural? Because this pain? This pain is incredible.
I feel like this boy saying this but I'm starting to wonder if I'm in early labor. 8 contractions in the 6am hour, I slept from 7-8 and then was woken up around 8am and had 8 contractions. 9am so far I've had 5 and its only 9:30. They hurt. They wrapped around my stomach like a rubber band. When they are here I think they'll never go away. Once it leaves I feel relief. I'm also getting pink mucus discharge. I'm rating each contraction. Half are of medium-strong strength, 1/4 are medium strength and 1/4 are weak. I'm not counting the weak ones. It's not full on labor but I think I might be in the early stages. I am going to consult Dr. Google.
Most tellingly I wonder: Why exactly do I hate C-sections? What is my issue with epidural? Because this pain? This pain is incredible.
2 more days
My OB stripped my membranes today in an effort to spark labor. I'm sorry in advance, she said. I shrugged, lay down, and then [&!#$$$]<-- insert every foul word ever invented. It hurt so much I saw black dots. OB said the contraction that I had is the type to call in to them about as a sign that labor begun. OH.MY.GOD. I'm still 1cm dilated but she said my cervix is softer and lower. Since then I'm losing my mucus plug which is a sign of labor, oooor maybe not! And I'm having a lot of contractions and feel kind of dazed and confused. If I don't go into labor before my induction these are all still good signs that my body is getting more ready.
I've known my OB for over two years now and today she had some time to talk to me and Jack and it was funny how she's got me figured out. I know its scary but you can't control the labor process, she said. You've researched, you're informed, but ultimately this baby will decide when he comes and how he comes. Maybe its being the eldest who was responsible for resolving my parents arguments, and watching my brothers, and being a teacher- but I do feel like I need to hold on, I need to carry it even if it is something I can't control.
But I can't control labor. And today when she swept my membranes and I felt the strongest most painful contraction of my life I had no thoughts but the pain. In that moment there was no ability nor desire to control just a desire to simply to get through the moment. And that's when the obvious concept hit me again, this is what its all about, its a series of moments that make up a life.
I've allowed my mind free reign to roam with worry and fear because I thought I'll stop worrying once Sunflower arrives. But I'm beginning to think that the worries will not go away, they will simply morph and take new shape. I will make mistakes but it does no good to anticipate what they will be. I will feel confused and frustrated at times but those moments are not today. I need to stop looking so far ahead because I will lose sight of the now.
If you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll recognize these thoughts since I'm constantly reigning myself in from letting fear fill my house with helium balloons and float me away. I guess I'm just a work in progress but I know what I need to work on. Slowly I think I'll get there.
I may have shared this poem before. I'm going to take it with me when I go into labor:
I've known my OB for over two years now and today she had some time to talk to me and Jack and it was funny how she's got me figured out. I know its scary but you can't control the labor process, she said. You've researched, you're informed, but ultimately this baby will decide when he comes and how he comes. Maybe its being the eldest who was responsible for resolving my parents arguments, and watching my brothers, and being a teacher- but I do feel like I need to hold on, I need to carry it even if it is something I can't control.
But I can't control labor. And today when she swept my membranes and I felt the strongest most painful contraction of my life I had no thoughts but the pain. In that moment there was no ability nor desire to control just a desire to simply to get through the moment. And that's when the obvious concept hit me again, this is what its all about, its a series of moments that make up a life.
I've allowed my mind free reign to roam with worry and fear because I thought I'll stop worrying once Sunflower arrives. But I'm beginning to think that the worries will not go away, they will simply morph and take new shape. I will make mistakes but it does no good to anticipate what they will be. I will feel confused and frustrated at times but those moments are not today. I need to stop looking so far ahead because I will lose sight of the now.
If you've been reading my blog long enough, you'll recognize these thoughts since I'm constantly reigning myself in from letting fear fill my house with helium balloons and float me away. I guess I'm just a work in progress but I know what I need to work on. Slowly I think I'll get there.
I may have shared this poem before. I'm going to take it with me when I go into labor:
Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.
Don’t try to see through the distances.
That’s not for human beings.
Move within, but don’t move the way fear makes you move.-- Rumi
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
3 more days- random scatterbrained thoughts
Last night a major storm passed through. The thunder was so loud it shook the house and woke Sunflower. It was incredible. One second my eyes flutter open to the flashing light and the loud crack of thunder and the next I hear little feet kicking and squirming followed by hiccups. I rubbed my belly in the dark as rain hit the windows, talking to him in a soothing voice, and just like that the movements slowed and then, silence. It worked. I soothed him.
It hit me again that there's a real person in there. A person who, though in utero found comfort in me. I'm scared of a C-section because I won't be able to hold him right away. And I'm the one he'll most likely recognize. I'm scared if we miss out on those first few moments we'll miss vital bonding time, that maybe the right hormones won't release from me and somehow I might feel distant from my son. I've read that C-Sections can trigger PPD and that scares me too since I know it can happen to anyone, no matter how wanted the baby is.
I'm at a more peaceful place right now but I've had moments of sheer terror today. Not about the labor but the aftermath of raising him. I have a lot of ideas of the kind of parent I want to be and I'm getting scared of how I'll actually do it. I was raised with no television for the first few years of my life, and didn't know what cartoons were until I went to Kindergarten. I want the same for my child but I watch a lot of TV. I want my child not to have to struggle with his weight and to be healthy but I eat a lot of crappy food. Do I tell him to do as I say, not as I do? I am planning to stop these things and Jack is planning to cut our cable when our contract ends in December- but will we do it? Will we be able to become the perfect people we need to be? The perfect people this baby deserves?
I'm trying to not think so much. I'm trying to just live in this moment. I wonder if its infertility that is making me think so much about all of this. Had I simply been able to get and stay pregnant at will would all this feel much more matter of fact for me?
And because I said this is a scatterbrained post, when I realized the title of this post is three more days, it reminded me of my favorite singer Ray LaMontagne, and a song he has by just that name [and no, it has nothing to do with babies!]
It hit me again that there's a real person in there. A person who, though in utero found comfort in me. I'm scared of a C-section because I won't be able to hold him right away. And I'm the one he'll most likely recognize. I'm scared if we miss out on those first few moments we'll miss vital bonding time, that maybe the right hormones won't release from me and somehow I might feel distant from my son. I've read that C-Sections can trigger PPD and that scares me too since I know it can happen to anyone, no matter how wanted the baby is.
I'm at a more peaceful place right now but I've had moments of sheer terror today. Not about the labor but the aftermath of raising him. I have a lot of ideas of the kind of parent I want to be and I'm getting scared of how I'll actually do it. I was raised with no television for the first few years of my life, and didn't know what cartoons were until I went to Kindergarten. I want the same for my child but I watch a lot of TV. I want my child not to have to struggle with his weight and to be healthy but I eat a lot of crappy food. Do I tell him to do as I say, not as I do? I am planning to stop these things and Jack is planning to cut our cable when our contract ends in December- but will we do it? Will we be able to become the perfect people we need to be? The perfect people this baby deserves?
I'm trying to not think so much. I'm trying to just live in this moment. I wonder if its infertility that is making me think so much about all of this. Had I simply been able to get and stay pregnant at will would all this feel much more matter of fact for me?
And because I said this is a scatterbrained post, when I realized the title of this post is three more days, it reminded me of my favorite singer Ray LaMontagne, and a song he has by just that name [and no, it has nothing to do with babies!]
Monday, May 3, 2010
Conversations
As I said in the earlier post I had to have some conversations today, both with Dr. MFM to convince her to give me a weight estimate (they only do it every four weeks and it was only three weeks), and then with my OB to see how far I could go without inducing.
Dr. MFM agreed to weigh Sunflower and I was scared they'd tell me I was on track to birth a ten pound baby but he measured 7lb5oz: 50th percentile. Not much more than his weight three weeks ago (6lb14oz). Dr. MFM even if we are off by a pound, he's 8.5 pounds. Nothing alarming and I'm amazed considering I have GD. I got excited and suggested maybe we can go past my due date then by a week or so to see if he can come naturally? To this she emphatically shook her head. It's not the GD baby she's worried about but more that each day I pass my due date the risks associated with thrombophilia go up and if I chose to go past the due date it would be against medical advice though she admitted that the odds are in my favor should I go past my due date the baby would most likely be okay.
I honestly believe I'd be fine going past my due date but three out of four doctors are urging me to not pass my due date so I'm not going to fight it. I talked to the OB's nurse. She's going to get me scheduled to go to the hospital Thursday night for cervadil to attempt to ripen the cervix and then induction Friday morning. A step-OB will be on call but oh well. I'd rather wait until Thursday night with the hope that perhaps my body can get more favorable in the next few days, rather than go in tonight and always wonder.
I'm doing my best to let go of my need to be in control. I'm going to continue taking the evening primrose oil and walking and hoping and praying he comes on his own time before induction- but- I'm accepting I can't control when he comes and what happens if I'm induced. I'm going to write my birth plan (or birth hopes would be more accurate) tonight and mentally ready myself for whatever may come Friday.
Dr. MFM agreed to weigh Sunflower and I was scared they'd tell me I was on track to birth a ten pound baby but he measured 7lb5oz: 50th percentile. Not much more than his weight three weeks ago (6lb14oz). Dr. MFM even if we are off by a pound, he's 8.5 pounds. Nothing alarming and I'm amazed considering I have GD. I got excited and suggested maybe we can go past my due date then by a week or so to see if he can come naturally? To this she emphatically shook her head. It's not the GD baby she's worried about but more that each day I pass my due date the risks associated with thrombophilia go up and if I chose to go past the due date it would be against medical advice though she admitted that the odds are in my favor should I go past my due date the baby would most likely be okay.
I honestly believe I'd be fine going past my due date but three out of four doctors are urging me to not pass my due date so I'm not going to fight it. I talked to the OB's nurse. She's going to get me scheduled to go to the hospital Thursday night for cervadil to attempt to ripen the cervix and then induction Friday morning. A step-OB will be on call but oh well. I'd rather wait until Thursday night with the hope that perhaps my body can get more favorable in the next few days, rather than go in tonight and always wonder.
I'm doing my best to let go of my need to be in control. I'm going to continue taking the evening primrose oil and walking and hoping and praying he comes on his own time before induction- but- I'm accepting I can't control when he comes and what happens if I'm induced. I'm going to write my birth plan (or birth hopes would be more accurate) tonight and mentally ready myself for whatever may come Friday.
4 more days
4 more days. Wow. wow. WOW.
It's midnight and I'm a bit nervous about the conversations I'll have to have. I should have been going in for my induction tonight but instead I'm waiting to hear from my OB and seeing how difficult it will be to push for a Friday/Saturday induction. I hate confrontation and going against authority, so we'll see how that goes. I also have my last MFM appointment for this pregnancy in the morning! They keep saying they wont' weigh him anymore since its not going to be accurate but I want to ask them to do it anyway just to have some sort of an idea since the biggish baby argument is the big one my OB is using for induction.
I took the primrose oil, walked to the point of sheer exhaustion. There's a crazy storm coming tonight and I hope the pressure will send me straight to labor too but I'm so exhausted that if I go into labor naturally tonight I don't know how well I'll do. Besides, all these things? Not working yet. It seems everything could send you into labor tonight!!! oorrrr maybe not. So like Lisa suggested I think I'm going to rest a bit more from here on out. I'm so tired I don't have the energy to put away any of the dishes. I've been cleaning up spotless each night before bed for fear that I will go into labor, rush to the hospital, and my in-laws will walk into our messy house to discover how we truly live! Gasp! Tonight I don't care so I'm hoping Murphy's law will ensure natural labor tonight!
This last weekend of coupledom felt special. We slept in, held hands on our walks, ate frozen yogurt out of the same cup, and had the types of conversations we stopped having somewhere along the way, about life, our perspectives, our childhoods. Being married as long as we have I forget sometimes that there is so much more to know and love about him. Also, IF, loss, and pregnancy has in some ways swallowed up the rest of our life. It was nice to be a couple this weekend.
But. We're ready now. We're ready Sunflower. We're done waiting. Please come to us. Come to us as soon as you can. Preferably tonight. You know your mama hates confrontation. Thank you.
It's midnight and I'm a bit nervous about the conversations I'll have to have. I should have been going in for my induction tonight but instead I'm waiting to hear from my OB and seeing how difficult it will be to push for a Friday/Saturday induction. I hate confrontation and going against authority, so we'll see how that goes. I also have my last MFM appointment for this pregnancy in the morning! They keep saying they wont' weigh him anymore since its not going to be accurate but I want to ask them to do it anyway just to have some sort of an idea since the biggish baby argument is the big one my OB is using for induction.
I took the primrose oil, walked to the point of sheer exhaustion. There's a crazy storm coming tonight and I hope the pressure will send me straight to labor too but I'm so exhausted that if I go into labor naturally tonight I don't know how well I'll do. Besides, all these things? Not working yet. It seems everything could send you into labor tonight!!! oorrrr maybe not. So like Lisa suggested I think I'm going to rest a bit more from here on out. I'm so tired I don't have the energy to put away any of the dishes. I've been cleaning up spotless each night before bed for fear that I will go into labor, rush to the hospital, and my in-laws will walk into our messy house to discover how we truly live! Gasp! Tonight I don't care so I'm hoping Murphy's law will ensure natural labor tonight!
This last weekend of coupledom felt special. We slept in, held hands on our walks, ate frozen yogurt out of the same cup, and had the types of conversations we stopped having somewhere along the way, about life, our perspectives, our childhoods. Being married as long as we have I forget sometimes that there is so much more to know and love about him. Also, IF, loss, and pregnancy has in some ways swallowed up the rest of our life. It was nice to be a couple this weekend.
But. We're ready now. We're ready Sunflower. We're done waiting. Please come to us. Come to us as soon as you can. Preferably tonight. You know your mama hates confrontation. Thank you.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
5 more days**
U2 says desperation is a tender trap. Hence our visit to Scalinis on the complete other end of town tonight. Its an Italian restaurant where the eggplant purportedly puts women into labor within 48 hours. [If you don't live in the ATL they provide a recipe on-line]. I was impressed with the numbers: 300 women have gone into labor upon eating the eggplant we've had on our menu for 25 years! Hmm. 300/25= 12 per year = 1 per month = coincidence. [Damn me and my math skillz!] Still, it was fun to engage in an Atlanta tradition and after a day of zero contractions I did get a few since we left. Still- not.holding.my.breath.
I grew massively in the past few days. One minute I was big. The next- bigger. It's actually frightening. I tried to bring labor on today with the eggplant, mopping the house, scrubbing the walls, not thing, no real signs of labor. I'm exhausted though. And even though I haven't eaten that much today I have the worst indigestion and acid reflux I've ever had.
Tomorrow, Jack and I are planning to power walk in the mall, and buy some primrose oil tablets and an exercise ball from Target. I heard bouncing on it can help ripen the cervix? Question about primrose, the one at Target said "oral use" is there a different one to insert near the cervix or same deal? Hopefully between prayer, primrose, power walks, bouncy balls, and egg plant something will happen!!!
**Updated to say: He got super active around 2am while we were finishing up a movie. Ridiculously so. Kicking, squirming, moving, and then- when I got up Jack and I gasped because my stomach now looks like a different stomach. It looks almost like a torpedo. I swear it looks lower than it was but I can't be certain but its certainly changed shape. Is this lightening? Dr. Google said When the baby begins to drop, you will notice that your abdomen will change shape, shifting down and forward. Unfortunately Dr. Google says this can happen 2-4 weeks before natural labor begins. Dangit. Please let me be an exception. :(
I grew massively in the past few days. One minute I was big. The next- bigger. It's actually frightening. I tried to bring labor on today with the eggplant, mopping the house, scrubbing the walls, not thing, no real signs of labor. I'm exhausted though. And even though I haven't eaten that much today I have the worst indigestion and acid reflux I've ever had.
Tomorrow, Jack and I are planning to power walk in the mall, and buy some primrose oil tablets and an exercise ball from Target. I heard bouncing on it can help ripen the cervix? Question about primrose, the one at Target said "oral use" is there a different one to insert near the cervix or same deal? Hopefully between prayer, primrose, power walks, bouncy balls, and egg plant something will happen!!!
**Updated to say: He got super active around 2am while we were finishing up a movie. Ridiculously so. Kicking, squirming, moving, and then- when I got up Jack and I gasped because my stomach now looks like a different stomach. It looks almost like a torpedo. I swear it looks lower than it was but I can't be certain but its certainly changed shape. Is this lightening? Dr. Google said When the baby begins to drop, you will notice that your abdomen will change shape, shifting down and forward. Unfortunately Dr. Google says this can happen 2-4 weeks before natural labor begins. Dangit. Please let me be an exception. :(
Saturday, May 1, 2010
6 more days
Thank you so much for your advice in the last post. [And Murgdan- your educated opinion is never assvice!] I feel better. I was raised to be a"good girl" which even at this age makes disagreeing uncomfortable. But- even if my choice annoys them, they can't say well we won't deliver you EVER. [right?]. I'm trying to alleviate my anxiety by reminding myself theres no induction police. I've loved my OB but she's disappointing me at the end.
My logic to wait a few more days is (1) An induction is serious and guarantees pitocin and the whole cascade of medical interventions which (2) boost the odds of a C-section. (3) Yes I have a GD baby but he's not going to gain a pound between Tuesday and Friday but (4) waiting a few more days until Friday could possibly progress me further, maybe not at all, but it could.
She kept saying 'Think of the baby first. I know you don't want a C-section but his health is paramount' which frustrates me because duh, but a C-section isn't the best option for him either. We don't get our skin on skin contact. Nursing is delayed. There's a lot that sucks for him too. Besides, he's being monitored weekly by MFM, they check everything and he's (thank God) scoring excellent. Besides we're talking about four days. And if we're going with convenience why should I accommodate her on-call schedule? Friday means Jack can catch up on his work, my family can drive up instead of taking pricey last minute flights and renting cars to get to the hospital. Hell, if we're going to do this for convenience why not my convenience then? Monday is quite inconvenient for me and my family. (not that this is why I want to wait until Friday).
Then because they said go in Monday, a part of me gets afraid that what if I don't listen and something God Forbid, bad happens. . . but I'm trying to push this out of my mind. Had my OB been on call Friday that would've been the scheduled induction date. This is not a medically necessitated induction on Tuesday. I'm trying to control my frustration. Most first timers go past their due date and here I am getting frustrated at my body for not going into labor already when its probably behaving perfectly normal.
I haven't prayed as much as I would like in the past few months. I feel guilty that now I am praying. I am begging for natural labor. I hope I will be heard and answered. If you remember, toss a prayer in for me and Sunflower. Much appreciated.
My logic to wait a few more days is (1) An induction is serious and guarantees pitocin and the whole cascade of medical interventions which (2) boost the odds of a C-section. (3) Yes I have a GD baby but he's not going to gain a pound between Tuesday and Friday but (4) waiting a few more days until Friday could possibly progress me further, maybe not at all, but it could.
She kept saying 'Think of the baby first. I know you don't want a C-section but his health is paramount' which frustrates me because duh, but a C-section isn't the best option for him either. We don't get our skin on skin contact. Nursing is delayed. There's a lot that sucks for him too. Besides, he's being monitored weekly by MFM, they check everything and he's (thank God) scoring excellent. Besides we're talking about four days. And if we're going with convenience why should I accommodate her on-call schedule? Friday means Jack can catch up on his work, my family can drive up instead of taking pricey last minute flights and renting cars to get to the hospital. Hell, if we're going to do this for convenience why not my convenience then? Monday is quite inconvenient for me and my family. (not that this is why I want to wait until Friday).
Then because they said go in Monday, a part of me gets afraid that what if I don't listen and something God Forbid, bad happens. . . but I'm trying to push this out of my mind. Had my OB been on call Friday that would've been the scheduled induction date. This is not a medically necessitated induction on Tuesday. I'm trying to control my frustration. Most first timers go past their due date and here I am getting frustrated at my body for not going into labor already when its probably behaving perfectly normal.
I haven't prayed as much as I would like in the past few months. I feel guilty that now I am praying. I am begging for natural labor. I hope I will be heard and answered. If you remember, toss a prayer in for me and Sunflower. Much appreciated.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Induction, Conflicted**
I'm so frustrated I want to punch a door or something. I went to the OB today and I'm not 2 cm dilated as one of the step-OBs thought. Just like Dr.MFM my OB thinks I'm 1cm dilated and the cervix is still long and hard. She then said how about get you in Monday to soften the cervix and induce Tuesday? Say what? I asked her, I thought I needed to have a ripe cervix to have success at an induction. She said she'd ideally like to see me at 2-3 cm dilated before scheduling an induction but because of my 'special circumstances' she doesn't want to have me go past my due date. What are the special circumstances:
1) Blood Thinners: This is not an issue once I'm off of it heparin is out of my system in 12 hours. Once out of my system the risks are gone, unless I've misunderstood something?
2) Gestational Diabetes: yes, I likely have a big baby. How much bigger will he get if I don't get induced Monday versus Friday or Saturday? Not much, while my odds of going into labor on my own do increase as the days pass.
Jack is bewildered. He said I thought you wanted the baby out? Now you want to wait. While I am uncomfortable and nervous I don't want to act on my own discomfort. I want what's best for the baby and I don't want to force an induction on myself that could lead to a C-Section simply because I'm in a hurry. That's stupid. I waited 2.5 years to have a baby, to speed up and consequently fuck up the last few days is just stupid.
I felt flummoxed at the appointment and agreed to induction but I feel so uncomfortable now. I don't know what to do. I was open to an induction Monday if I was dilated and ripe but I'm not. On the other hand, I'm going in just a few days prior to my due date and I will have my own OB doing the delivery and its not a guarantee that I'll have a C-section. She pointed out that there's no guarantee that I will go natural or that things will progress by waiting a few more days.
My gut, my heart is saying no don't do this, just wait. But how much do I wait with GD? I can't go over weeks. She will likely not allow me to even go past my due date. Jack is urging me to go ahead on Monday. I need to make a decision today. I might just let the OB know I'm conflicted and will make a final decision later. I'm just so confused.
***I just called again since I haven't heard back and the answering service picked up and said the office is done for the day. Not sure if that means they're not going to call me back. Well, they got the message and if they don't want to call me back that doesn't mean I have to go in on Monday for the induction. It's on them to return my call. I don't HAVE to go into an induction simply because they're not calling me back. Sigh
1) Blood Thinners: This is not an issue once I'm off of it heparin is out of my system in 12 hours. Once out of my system the risks are gone, unless I've misunderstood something?
2) Gestational Diabetes: yes, I likely have a big baby. How much bigger will he get if I don't get induced Monday versus Friday or Saturday? Not much, while my odds of going into labor on my own do increase as the days pass.
Jack is bewildered. He said I thought you wanted the baby out? Now you want to wait. While I am uncomfortable and nervous I don't want to act on my own discomfort. I want what's best for the baby and I don't want to force an induction on myself that could lead to a C-Section simply because I'm in a hurry. That's stupid. I waited 2.5 years to have a baby, to speed up and consequently fuck up the last few days is just stupid.
I felt flummoxed at the appointment and agreed to induction but I feel so uncomfortable now. I don't know what to do. I was open to an induction Monday if I was dilated and ripe but I'm not. On the other hand, I'm going in just a few days prior to my due date and I will have my own OB doing the delivery and its not a guarantee that I'll have a C-section. She pointed out that there's no guarantee that I will go natural or that things will progress by waiting a few more days.
My gut, my heart is saying no don't do this, just wait. But how much do I wait with GD? I can't go over weeks. She will likely not allow me to even go past my due date. Jack is urging me to go ahead on Monday. I need to make a decision today. I might just let the OB know I'm conflicted and will make a final decision later. I'm just so confused.
***I just called again since I haven't heard back and the answering service picked up and said the office is done for the day. Not sure if that means they're not going to call me back. Well, they got the message and if they don't want to call me back that doesn't mean I have to go in on Monday for the induction. It's on them to return my call. I don't HAVE to go into an induction simply because they're not calling me back. Sigh
39 Weeks- 7 more days
7 more day though quite frankly I'm convinced he's going to stay in here until he's 32. My amniotic fluids were back to normal. Discharge increased but its not amniotic. My cervix remains barely 2cm dilated. I'm 50% effaced. He's sunny side up so I'm at risk for back labor. In a nutshell: My body is practicing like hell but labor doesn't seem close. At all.
I'm emotional lately most likely because I'm sleep deprived getting two hours of sleep these days due to cramps and contractions. I want to laugh at the lack of progress and joke that little guy is just messing with me. I guess I'm too tired to laugh and it doesn't help that none of these pains did anything to further dilate me. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated. I'm full term what more do I want? I'll tell you: him. Until he's here, nothing is certain. He moves less these days. He passes his kick count test daily though it takes longer each evening to get the 10 kicks. This is normal, I know. But. There are enough scary stories on the web and in my own extended family for me to feel its a done deal simply being "term".
I'm in love. Hook line and sinker. This is the most intense love I've ever felt and the thought of losing him makes me want to die. That's why I'm impatient. That's why despite full days, the days crawl. I can deal with the waddling, the headaches, the fatigue, and this troubling toothache that is creeping up. But I need someone to promise me nothing will go wrong. While the odds are in my favor, they are only odds until he's here. I know its just a matter of time- today the nurse taking my vitals said I understand how it feels like forever, these last few days, I felt that way too when I was in your shoes and now my children are 30 and 33. Yep- time flies. It only feels like we live in the moment forever. I know this time next week I will most likely have him in my arms. Until then, I wait.
I'm emotional lately most likely because I'm sleep deprived getting two hours of sleep these days due to cramps and contractions. I want to laugh at the lack of progress and joke that little guy is just messing with me. I guess I'm too tired to laugh and it doesn't help that none of these pains did anything to further dilate me. I feel guilty for feeling frustrated. I'm full term what more do I want? I'll tell you: him. Until he's here, nothing is certain. He moves less these days. He passes his kick count test daily though it takes longer each evening to get the 10 kicks. This is normal, I know. But. There are enough scary stories on the web and in my own extended family for me to feel its a done deal simply being "term".
I'm in love. Hook line and sinker. This is the most intense love I've ever felt and the thought of losing him makes me want to die. That's why I'm impatient. That's why despite full days, the days crawl. I can deal with the waddling, the headaches, the fatigue, and this troubling toothache that is creeping up. But I need someone to promise me nothing will go wrong. While the odds are in my favor, they are only odds until he's here. I know its just a matter of time- today the nurse taking my vitals said I understand how it feels like forever, these last few days, I felt that way too when I was in your shoes and now my children are 30 and 33. Yep- time flies. It only feels like we live in the moment forever. I know this time next week I will most likely have him in my arms. Until then, I wait.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
8 more days
Despite the eagerness, the apprehension, the fear, there is this a sacred feeling in the air these days. The full moon casting a glow over the house tonight adds to that feeling. I am waiting to meet a pure being. Someone who has yet to hurt anyone or be hurt. Someone who has yet to think an impure thought, or feel arrogant, entitled, in any way. Someone unconcerned with whether they are more beautiful, or smart than the next person. The very definition of purity. And this child will be entrusted in my care. They will release him to me after making sure (God Willing) he is healthy and send us on our merry way. After all the needles, ultrasounds, speculum exams, and fundal measurements they will simply hand him over to me and leave it to me to guide him through this world. When I really think about it, it brings tears to my eyes.
In the meantime I wait. I feel twinges and pulls. Kicks and wiggly butts. It is an uneasy feeling to know that soon I will experience one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don't know when. I don't know how how. It might be manageable, it might make me kneel over and want to die. One simply can't be sure. I'm allowing myself the right to be a bit frightened. I'm allowing myself the right to be a bit on edge these next few days.
At 3:15pm we see if my amniotic fluid levels are good. They were borderline normal Monday, if they fall below the approved levels I meet Sunflower tomorrow. Otherwise possibly Monday. Maybe sometime in between.
In the meantime I'm washing the nursery walls. I'm walking. I'm reading books. Replying to texts, e-mails, and phone calls from friends and family waiting with me, wondering with me when this little guy arrives. He has no idea how many people are waiting. He has no idea how much love is waiting for him just as soon as he is placed in my arms.
In the meantime I wait. I feel twinges and pulls. Kicks and wiggly butts. It is an uneasy feeling to know that soon I will experience one of the most painful experiences of my life. I don't know when. I don't know how how. It might be manageable, it might make me kneel over and want to die. One simply can't be sure. I'm allowing myself the right to be a bit frightened. I'm allowing myself the right to be a bit on edge these next few days.
At 3:15pm we see if my amniotic fluid levels are good. They were borderline normal Monday, if they fall below the approved levels I meet Sunflower tomorrow. Otherwise possibly Monday. Maybe sometime in between.
In the meantime I'm washing the nursery walls. I'm walking. I'm reading books. Replying to texts, e-mails, and phone calls from friends and family waiting with me, wondering with me when this little guy arrives. He has no idea how many people are waiting. He has no idea how much love is waiting for him just as soon as he is placed in my arms.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Lady in Waiting
I woke up at 3am last night with painful gas pains and my uterus hard as a rock every few minutes. Wasn't able to fall back asleep. It wasn't a labor contraction because after the practice runs, I have a hint of what actual labor contractions might be like and braxton hicks contractions are just cute little bunnies really. This morning I called the OB and they told me a med to take to ease the pains. I was going to head to babysrus and return some gifts, and do some shopping at the mall but I'm a little scared by last night's contractions and don't really want to leave the house because I don't know how well I could drive if those contractions attacked me while I was out. Luckily the pharmacy is less than a mile away.
Tomorrow I have a repeat amniotic fluid scan at the MFM. If it went down significantly again- tomorrow might be the day I meet Sunflower. So, if you don't hear from me tomorrow night- you'll know what happened. [But- I'm not holding my breath] As I sit here, a lady in waiting, I'm trying to find ways to occupy my time.
1. Practicing the moby wrap on a stuffed teddy.
2. FINISHED packing the hospital bag.
3. Power walking in the neighborhood [well its a power walk for me, bearing in mind I waddle mostly these days- most people would call it an old lady shuffle]
4. Making thank you gift bags for the nurses. I've heard from nurse friends that this is most appreciated. I'm thinking of putting in some lollipops and chocolates with a little note that says Thanks for taking care of my mommy, love, Sunflower.
5. Organizing duplicate gifts to return to BRU and Target.
6. Installing the car seat
7. Making a mental list of the stuff I will eat once the baby comes out (Strawberry milkshake from Steak-n-Shake, chocolate chip cookies, soft serve frozen yogurt, a nice frosted cupcake).
8. Bribing sunflower with promises of TV viewing and anything naughty he wants if he will just come out [don't intend to follow through but I'm betting he wont remember!]
Any other ideas on how to help pass the time as productively as possible most appreciated!
Tomorrow I have a repeat amniotic fluid scan at the MFM. If it went down significantly again- tomorrow might be the day I meet Sunflower. So, if you don't hear from me tomorrow night- you'll know what happened. [But- I'm not holding my breath] As I sit here, a lady in waiting, I'm trying to find ways to occupy my time.
1. Practicing the moby wrap on a stuffed teddy.
2. FINISHED packing the hospital bag.
3. Power walking in the neighborhood [well its a power walk for me, bearing in mind I waddle mostly these days- most people would call it an old lady shuffle]
4. Making thank you gift bags for the nurses. I've heard from nurse friends that this is most appreciated. I'm thinking of putting in some lollipops and chocolates with a little note that says Thanks for taking care of my mommy, love, Sunflower.
5. Organizing duplicate gifts to return to BRU and Target.
6. Installing the car seat
7. Making a mental list of the stuff I will eat once the baby comes out (Strawberry milkshake from Steak-n-Shake, chocolate chip cookies, soft serve frozen yogurt, a nice frosted cupcake).
8. Bribing sunflower with promises of TV viewing and anything naughty he wants if he will just come out [don't intend to follow through but I'm betting he wont remember!]
Any other ideas on how to help pass the time as productively as possible most appreciated!
Nine more days
I'm feeling a little drained. And annoyed. As I stated in my last post I had labor-like contractions for nearly an hour. It hurt like hell. I could not walk nor talk through them and then- they slowly tapered off and now the volcano is silent again. I feel teased. I feel a little frustrated. From the way sunflower is now kicking me, he is feeling teased too. I realize I cannot control my body and I realize this is just a practice run and that as a type-A minded person, my body is apparently a type-A bodied creature that simply must practice 100 times before doing the real thing but I still kind of want to cry. The pain was scary and more powerful than the last time I had painful contractions two nights earlier. This time I felt the pain in my back and pelvic area as well. I know labor hurts. I know that what went in was microscopic but what's going to come out is at least 8 pounds. So yes- pain is to be expected- but wow- that pain is amazing. That pain is otherwordly. I now understand why people of my faith pray for others while in the throes of this pain- I felt like I was on another plane in the midst of the intense pain. But what scares me is that if this isn't labor- will actual labor pains hurt more? That is terrifying.
I want my body to go into labor on its own. I don't want to be induced. So I shouldn't complain. I'm just confused. Is this going to lead to something? Or is my body just messing around? I feel like someone told me you won a million dollars!! and then said oh whoops, not you, the *other* girl in the yellow shirt. Sigh.
Forgive me for my twitter like updates lately but as always this is my place to write about what's going on, and helps me make sense of what is going on. Thank you for listening.
I want my body to go into labor on its own. I don't want to be induced. So I shouldn't complain. I'm just confused. Is this going to lead to something? Or is my body just messing around? I feel like someone told me you won a million dollars!! and then said oh whoops, not you, the *other* girl in the yellow shirt. Sigh.
Forgive me for my twitter like updates lately but as always this is my place to write about what's going on, and helps me make sense of what is going on. Thank you for listening.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Ow***
No contractions today- not a one. Went for a walk with Jack just now. As we came home my tummy started hurting like a painful (TMI alert! Read no further if you're squeamish!) bowel movement was coming. Like when you're constipated. Except, I'm not constipated. Anyways, then proceeded to have the most painful bowel movement of my entire life. Since then the pain remains. It's not powerful like a labor contraction [which I'm told 'if you're having it you won't have any doubt what it is'] but, it HURTS. The uterus is not necessarily hard at all times during the pain (though sometimes it is) but this pain? This pain is like a really really horrible menstrual cramp. It makes me want to put a heating pad on and curl up in a corner with ten Midol tablets. I'm going to distract myself by writing some thank you cards. . . but damn. Ow. I hope this pain is because something is getting started.
Question for anyone who knows: Can you have a labor pain related contraction that hurts like HELL but your uterus is still soft? I'm having this pain and its coming and going in intervals but the uterus is not necessarily always hard.
OW.
Please let this pain have a good end result of labor beginning. PleasePleasePlease.
**For one hour the pain came and went, some points was so painful I couldn't walk or talk properly, but now, its gone. I still feel like I'm on my period, but not in a painful way like earlier. This is exhausting and I must say despite sounding like a wimp, that the pain I felt was SCARY.
Question for anyone who knows: Can you have a labor pain related contraction that hurts like HELL but your uterus is still soft? I'm having this pain and its coming and going in intervals but the uterus is not necessarily always hard.
OW.
Please let this pain have a good end result of labor beginning. PleasePleasePlease.
**For one hour the pain came and went, some points was so painful I couldn't walk or talk properly, but now, its gone. I still feel like I'm on my period, but not in a painful way like earlier. This is exhausting and I must say despite sounding like a wimp, that the pain I felt was SCARY.
Letting go of control
I've jokingly likened the wait for Sunflower to watching a kettle and waiting for it to boil. But I realized today I'm not waiting for it to boil, I'm willing it to boil as if by the sheer force of staring at the metaphorical kettle I will produce within it the bubbles I desire. I'm reading Momma Zen, a book given by a lovely friend, which, if you are pregnant or a new mama, you must read. She talks a lot about living in the moment, letting go of the illusion of control and being in the moment that is before us and she says it in a way that makes you stop in your tracks and listen.
Logically, I accept I can't control everything. I couldn't get nor keep pregnancies at will. I can't will a publisher to put an offer on the book my agent is shopping. We fight the carpenter bees in our awning daily but we can't control their hardiness. I know this and yet I still try to control things I can't. It's why I find myself up at 2am filled with anxiety as I wonder when will this happen? Why not now? And yet, these thoughts won't affect labor. I can do my best, walking and otherwise, but ultimately I don't hold the key to the outcome.
I'm trying to let go of the attempts to control and instead enjoy the time I have left. I can't wait to hold him in my arms but I will miss these karate kicks in my womb. I can't wait to hear him cry hearty sobs from healthy lungs but I'm sure a part of me will miss this silence in the middle of the night.
I guess I've been trying so hard to figure out what the next step is I forgot I can't. And the book helped me realize, that when it comes to control and my plans, they will all flip upside down once the baby comes. I plan to breastfeed but maybe I'll be unable to. I shudder at the thought of a C-section but that may be the only option. I have my Wii Fit ready to go to drop the baby weight but maybe it will go slower than I think. We imagine a happy cooing baby but we might have a colicky little bundle. If I thought I had little control now, that control is likely slipping away further once he arrives.
I'm telling myself: If I go all remaining ten days still pregnant- that's okay. I will re-read my favorite books. Call a friend and indulge in a one hour chat. Sleep in and watch the morning filter in through the windows letting the silence feel sacred. Go out with Jack Saturday night, hold his hand on an evening stroll and appreciate this brief interlude before we are coated in spit up and leaky diapers. I'm reminding myself I can't control the outcome but I can control what I do with the time I have.
Logically, I accept I can't control everything. I couldn't get nor keep pregnancies at will. I can't will a publisher to put an offer on the book my agent is shopping. We fight the carpenter bees in our awning daily but we can't control their hardiness. I know this and yet I still try to control things I can't. It's why I find myself up at 2am filled with anxiety as I wonder when will this happen? Why not now? And yet, these thoughts won't affect labor. I can do my best, walking and otherwise, but ultimately I don't hold the key to the outcome.
I'm trying to let go of the attempts to control and instead enjoy the time I have left. I can't wait to hold him in my arms but I will miss these karate kicks in my womb. I can't wait to hear him cry hearty sobs from healthy lungs but I'm sure a part of me will miss this silence in the middle of the night.
I guess I've been trying so hard to figure out what the next step is I forgot I can't. And the book helped me realize, that when it comes to control and my plans, they will all flip upside down once the baby comes. I plan to breastfeed but maybe I'll be unable to. I shudder at the thought of a C-section but that may be the only option. I have my Wii Fit ready to go to drop the baby weight but maybe it will go slower than I think. We imagine a happy cooing baby but we might have a colicky little bundle. If I thought I had little control now, that control is likely slipping away further once he arrives.
I'm telling myself: If I go all remaining ten days still pregnant- that's okay. I will re-read my favorite books. Call a friend and indulge in a one hour chat. Sleep in and watch the morning filter in through the windows letting the silence feel sacred. Go out with Jack Saturday night, hold his hand on an evening stroll and appreciate this brief interlude before we are coated in spit up and leaky diapers. I'm reminding myself I can't control the outcome but I can control what I do with the time I have.
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